desperate for help 4.5 yr old won't poo on toilet

[lyssie29]

Can anyone please help me my 4.5 year old wont poo on the toilet or the potty. She hasn't been constipated or had a bad experience she just says she doesn't want to. She will wee in the toilet no problem. I've tried reward charts, prizes, promises of days out absolutely everything. Tried toilet paper in first, a nappy opened up in the toilet, singing nursery rhymes, watching videos. I refused to give her a nappy but she knows they're in the house as she has a baby sister and her nappies fit her and she didn't go for 4 days and then all day today she's been rolling around crying asking for a nappy. She eventually Sat on the toilet to try but cried hysterically for 20 minutes until i couldn't take it anymore. Because she was crying her little sister was crying too! I don't let her see me get upset about it but its really worrying me how she's acting about it and no body seems to be able to suggest any thing I haven't already tried. Any one have any experience with this?

Not the same problem but DS has been pooing and wetting himself since starting school. Pooing deliberately as he's unhappy at having to wipe his own bottom and says he "likes the feeling of doing it in underpants". (Grim.) But he will wee ok in the toilet at school and home, he's just night wetting now.

Is there any way you can identify what exactly she dislikes about it?

We have just put him back in a pull-up to be honest, despite some initial resistance. We'll work on getting it when he's calmer and more ready. The more we stress about it the worse it will be for him. Already he's shown a bit more incentive to try to go.

Has your DD just started school too? Maybe just relax about it for now, wait til she's a bit more settled and try again. Withholding issues are the last thing you want to add right now. After half term she may be more ready.

www.eric.org.uk/pdf-children-who-will-only-poo-in-a-nappy

That's the page I believe.

Taking a step back didn't make my (3.6 at that point) son poo on the potty but it really helped stop constipation and power struggle over potty issues.
Try to follow Eric's steps (thoroughly ie one step may take several weeks). Trying everything one thiyafter the other will not help I don't think. I would stop talking about it for a month then start all over again following Eric. Good luck

No helpful advice here (those steps sound good - I might try that) but much, much sympathy. My DS is also a potty refuser and it’s just so frustrating. And everyone keeps suggesting stickers/chocolate buttons as though we haven’t tried all of that already. Obviously. He gets it, he could but he just doesn’t want to. He’s a bit younger than yours but I can so see us ending up there. I know this is the classic middle class mummy excuse, but several people have told me that sometimes the brightest kids are the worst at potty training. Something to hold on to as you clean up poo for the billionth time...

Agree that taking advice from parents who have not faced the problem is extremely frustrating. I've stopped talking about it (some parents are convinced their child do as they're told because they (the parents) are so marvellous at parenting. Erm... No. They've just been bloody lucky to have a more compliant child. That's all).
I asked the health visitor instead. She was better. She did offer a reward system but it was with VERY STRICT PARAMETERS (not the wishy washy system other parents suggested). Jar to fill with pompoms. Only use for rewarding using the potty. NOTHING ELSE. And, NEVER TAKE A POMPOM OUT. Once it's earned, it's earned (no bargaining, no threatening).
After a month my son was still not using the potty BUT it stopped him holding it in and being constipated. It also made the potty issue more fun. We would sit and count the pompoms and wonder how many he would get the following day.
OP, your child is older so I'm not sure a reward system is the best for now. Have a break and then follow Eric. Good luck.