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I am so fucking fed up
55

BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 17:40

Of attempting to change poo nappies with a child who will not fucking stay still and screams the house down throughout the entire experience. It's Not Helping that I have massive resentment over the fact he's 3.1 and not responding to any kind of potty training incentive, cajoling, softly-softly approach, anything!

WHAT can I do? I've tried explaining to him that if he does poos in the potty we won't have to go through this horrific experience which he hates probably even more than I do, but he says that's scary. I've tried bribing with chocolate buttons but the fear is outweighing the bribery factor. I'm now worried I've somehow done irreparable damage and he's going to be in nappies for ever. Seriously considering farming him out to someone for a couple of weeks and they can do it for me.

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SkinnyGirlBethany · 19/11/2011 17:46

You have a few options,
Get him socialising with potty trained kids who are at thR potty stage
Get a potty compleley diff from the ones you have tried- get him to choose.
Change him in the same place every day and do not participate. Make it boring.
Force potty training on him- as in pull ups and sit him on the loo in a matter of fact way periodically- distracting him

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ragged · 19/11/2011 17:53

I'd go for the boring option if it were me.

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 17:56

We're going cold turkey with pants during the day in a couple of weeks. He agreed to this and helped pick a date on the calendar and stuck a sticker on it and we're crossing off each day towards it. So I'm hoping that will help. Although the last few days he's been saying that "Pants day" is scary and he doesn't like pants and he wants to wear nappies.

He's been happy to sit on the potty before, but then I had to go into hospital suddenly and DP was stressed out so didn't keep it up and since then he's just said that he was scared. He did this for months before he decided he liked it last time but the longer it's going on the more stressed I'm getting, and I'm sure me stressing is making it worse, but I can't seem to help it!

"Change him in the same place every day and do not participate. Make it boring." What do you mean by not participating? I'm mainly talking about poo nappies, it doesn't really matter if he's running around bare bum if he's clean, it's just when he's covered in poo he doesn't want to stay on the mat or let me wipe him or anything. He is terrified of the shower so I can't hose him down. He is okay with going in the bath but it's not always practical to run a bath just so I can clean his bum off when he's done a poo. Although it's taking so long anyway perhaps I ought to just start doing that as a matter of course as it might be less stressful. I suppose it will be the easiest way when he has an accident in pants, as well.

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 17:57

How do I make it boring? At the moment I'm trying extremely hard not to scream or hurt him because he is enraging me so much. It's not exactly a fun activity of the afternoon :(

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SkinnyGirlBethany · 19/11/2011 18:01

Change him in a boring room - no tv, not his bedroom just a room for changing - I'd personally use my guest room.
Don't talk, argue etc just matter of fact unless he's being good.
If your doing something, in the middle of something- finish it before changing him- within reason

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SkinnyGirlBethany · 19/11/2011 18:04

Just to say I Completley get the awful stage and remember the feelings- hard to type thou as 2 yo dd1 is trying to hurt dd2 as she breeds ATM Angry

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lostlady · 19/11/2011 18:06

Tbh, I might scrap the pants day and just abandon potty training plan for the moment. He is obviously v anxious about it, so my inclination would be just to remove the stress of trying. Agree that just changing nappy calmly and boringly good.

I think that he may well just want to start going to potty, or toilet with kid seat, of his own accord. Whilst I totally understand your frustration, he is really in control of this one!

Good luck

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 18:09

I don't have a boring room which can be used just for changing. Has to be living room or his bedroom. DP sleeps in our bedroom during the day and the bathroom is too small. I suppose kitchen? But doesn't seem very hygienic. If I let him choose whether or not to have the TV on he seems more co-operative, but it doesn't make much difference. He's not wriggling because he's seen something he wants to do, he just hates having to stay in the position I want him in. Trying to turn over because "I like being like this", Straightening his legs against my arms when I'm holding his ankles up so he flips over etc.

I don't think that not talking is going to achieve much. The only talking I really do is either distraction ie related to a toy that he is holding or asking him to open his legs so I can get to his willy etc. If he's in a co-operative mood, this works great! If he's not, it doesn't make much difference.

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 18:11

Okay, I agree with the calm thing. So how do I stay calm when he's trying his best to get poo everywhere? He's quite strong!

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FairyArmadillo · 19/11/2011 18:15

Been there. Got so frustrated. Seriously, give yourselves a break, calm down and try again another time. He'll pick up on your anxiety. We've tried twice. DS is already 3 and a half. There's a support group thread somewhere on here. It was with strange relief that I bumped into a friend in Sainsburys last week who also had a 3 and a half year old who's still in nappies and struggling too. Your last post sounds like me on the day that a friend advised me to have a break from it, calm down and regroup. For both mine and DS's sake! It can really get to you when you spend a weekend constantly changing wet and soiled clothes.

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fannybaws · 19/11/2011 18:15

Is he at nursery yet OP?
My DS was not interested at all bribery ect did not help either.
What did was a long discussion re nursery school, the painting,the sand the FUN!
After a good 30 mins of nursery talk I dropped in as an aside the fact that all the children there have to wear pants.
It worked, pants the next day and 48 hours later he had it.
Worth a try.

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 18:21

He starts nursery in 8 weeks. He's scared of it. He's also scared - actual, proper, terrified screaming if he feels he's about to do a wee and he's not wearing a nappy. He won't wear pants, won't be naked. I feel like I've utterly failed him. He's scared of everything.

He loved his pants before I went into hospital. I wouldn't mind changing the wet and soiled clothes (well, I probably would, but at least I'd know we were on the way to something.)

We don't know any other children who are potty training. A girl at his CM's was, but she stopped. I'm irrationally annoyed about this Blush obviously I haven't said anything.

Maybe I should call his CM and discuss it with her? She has one older child who is trained so maybe she can talk some sense into me! He did have a potty at hers for a while too but since the other girl stopped he hasn't been interested.

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GnomeDePlume · 19/11/2011 18:35

My DS was nearly 4 by the time he was in pants. What finally did it for him were:

the Nappy Willy Geese.

Where we lived there were wild geese which DS was a bit frightened of. We told DS that the favourite food of these geese was little boy's willies which were kept in nappies!

BTW, DS is now a teenager and shows no ill effects!

I know it is difficult. At one stage we were a bit worried that DS would leave home with a packet of Pampers under his arm but eventually he worked it out (with the help of those geese).

If specific bribery doesnt work you could look at cutting out some favourite activity 'oh no, only big boys in pants are allowed to do that now'.

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fannybaws · 19/11/2011 18:36

Does he have to be trained for nursery?
We also had a book called everybody poos that we read all the time.
www.amazon.co.uk/Everybody-Poos-Taro-Gomi/dp/1845072588

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fannybaws · 19/11/2011 18:38

Is he a people pleaser 3 year old or is he rebel without a cause type? Smile

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 18:56

He will do what he's told if he can see the sense in it, if that makes sense. Which does include people-pleasing. He doesn't just refuse to do stuff to be contrary anyway unless it involves getting dressed or staying still. As I said though, he's frightened of a ridiculous number of things which tends to override the wanting to please thing.

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Mspontipine · 19/11/2011 19:04

Can you not change him standing up? Ds from around 2 was a nightmare to try and get him to lie down and it gave me real pains in my wrists trying so I just let him stand up (still obviously :) ) then popped a pull up on him after - way easier than lying down Grin

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 19:07

I think I'm just feeling like I'm a total failure as well because before he was born I'd read up about this EC thing when you put the on the potty pretty much from birth and "catch" stuff and I was sooo smug about how I wasn't going to make the mistake of training him into using nappies only to have to train him out of it later, and then as soon as he realised he could move by himself he was NOT happy to be held over a bowl or pot or whatever any more. He learnt to crawl, and cruise, before he could sit up! And so I decided maybe it wasn't for us and got over the guilt of that fairly quickly and consoled myself with the fact I'd just use an EC approach when it was time to train him, and I basically have - the potty has been around, no pressure, for over a year now and we've had a toilet seat as well which he's been curious about at times. I've always been laid back and cheerful about accidents and he's always had plenty of naked bum time, until recently when he really gets anxious about it and insists on having a nappy on. And so I was hanging onto this nugget of "If you just leave it they train themselves when they are ready" but now he's over 3 and it's still not happening and I keep seeing comments all the time about how late potty training is "lazy" and "disgusting" and "undignified" and I feel guilty about the amount of nappies we're throwing away and spending money on (since I failed with the cloth nappy thing as well.) And I hate forcing him to be still to change him because I feel I'm massively overriding any right he has to not be manhandled, and I'm uncomfortable with the idea I'm imposing contact on his private body areas which he very clearly does not want. And then because I get stressed about this I feel like I'm just making it worse but I don't know what to do to change that.

Blush And I don't know why I'm getting so stressed about this, because I'm normally the most laid back parent ever and don't stress about anything. But it is bothering me more than every other thing he's thrown at me all together.

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 19:09

I can change wet ones standing up but not poo. He does massive adult-consistency poos which fill the entire nappy. Maybe I'm just being too precious about getting poo on things? I don't see how I'd get it off (crappy, textured) wallpaper or furniture or carpets, and it's a rented house so I'm perhaps over cautious but I think this is giving me the massive stress about him staying still when I'm changing his poo-nappies.

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BertieBotts · 19/11/2011 19:13

Anyway, bedtime. At least I can still make everything alright with a cuddle and a story :)

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talkingnonsense · 19/11/2011 19:17

Ok, you sound massively stressed, take a deep breath. It is probably somehow connected to you bei g in hospital but that is not your fault and could not be helped. Reassure him about everything as much as you can. Talk about the fact that it was scary but had to happen. Wrt th poo changing, at 3 if he hasnt got special needs he can understand that wriggling and getting poo everywhere is naughty. He can poo and wee in a nappy if he likes but he has to cooperate during changes. Get cross, very cross if you need to- not about the poo in the nappy but about the bad behaviour when you are changing him. Hth.

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MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 19/11/2011 19:21

I second trying standing-up changes until he is ready for the potty, even for poos it can be easier than lying down if you have a real wriggler. And if it is something new he won't have the bad associations with it which might just help.

If that works (more or less), it might then be a good idea to completely blank out potty training for a little while - put away any potties, pants etc out of sight, and just don't mention them at all for at least a few weeks. That might give him a chance to forget his fears.

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GnomeDePlume · 19/11/2011 19:41

Actually, reading your later posts I would suggest that he simply isnt ready yet.. Does he have to start nursery in 8 weeks? If possible I would suggest stopping all talk of pants/potties/nursery. You are stressed about this, he is stressed about this.

Regarding cleaning him. How about putting ear phones in while you do it? Listen to some music/whale song/whatever. If ear phones dont work then use ear plugs. The thing they do for you is that they will distance you from him. He can scream and shout, say that he is scared of the wet wipes or whatever but you cant hear him and dont need to engage with him for that time. As soon as he is clean and dressed again then out come the ear phones/plugs and you are back to being interactive mummy.

This isnt failure. In the grand scheme of things it really doesnt matter. When was the last time someone asked you when you were toilet trained? It has never figured on any application form I filled in.

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freshairfanatic · 19/11/2011 19:53

Just on the changing, have you tried sitting him on the edge of the sink, bottom hanging over it, to wash him? It's a trick we learnt from our CM and has worked v well with a DD who always wriggled on mats!

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lostlady · 19/11/2011 20:29

O, the other thing, my dc was a nightmare wriggler from an early age- we switched to pull up type nappies, which were easier. It's all a pain, but it will pass, honest Grinv

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