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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

Original poster

I'm phobic about potty training - and feel v guilty haven't done it yet

65 replies

lightwind · 28/02/2011 07:31

My son is 3 and not yet potty trained. I am feeling really guilty about this, as I'm pretty certain this is my fault. I suffer from severe OCD (I'm really phobic about toilets and all that goes on in them). I have been on anti-depressants for many years and also see a psychologist regularly. Getting to the point of having a baby was a long haul, but I'm glad I did it and I love my son to bits. He's a beautiful, happy, loving child who can be a little monster at times, and though I find being a mum hard at times my son is the most wonderful thing in my world. I'm ok about changing nappies (wasn't at first, took a lot of gritting my teeth and facing my fears), and now I have a system in place that I can just about deal with. But I am terrified of potty training and potential 'accidents', so have been avoiding doing it. Has anyone else faced any similar fears or issues? I feel really stupid and inadequate.

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whomovedmychocolate · 28/02/2011 07:43

If he's three he may just go it regardless. Buy some pants, tell him what they are for. Is he at preschool, they can help too. The way you deal with accidents is to teach him how to get dressed. Then he can put his wet things in the laundry and put on clean clothes and you don't have to be involved mostly.

Get a step, a seat, some pants and some extra trousers and try it. You've conquered your other fears you can do this one too.

(and don't feel guilty - I haven't even considered potty training DS (2.7) because he's just not ready yet and it's a waste of time until they show at least some signs of readiness.) :)

whomovedmychocolate · 28/02/2011 07:43

I mean he may just do it regardless.

eden263 · 28/02/2011 07:46

You're not stupid or inadequate at all, you sound like a great mum, especially the way you've worked so hard to overcome your fears to have a baby. You just have an illness that has the unfortunate side effect of giving you an unhelpful phobia about something you can't avoid. That's not your fault.

Could you adapt the 'system' you have for nappies so that you can try to get those positive thoughts to include the potty training? Could your psychologist help you with this or refer you to someone who can?

Does your son seem ready to be trained yet? Does he seem aware when he goes to toilet in his nappy? Could you consider letting him know about or see you going to the toilet (I know that might be difficult for you) so that he understands that there's something to move on to after nappies?

If it's at all heartening, my DS2 wouldn't go near a potty or toilet until the day he walked into the bathroom one morning, said "Wee-wee", climbed onto the loo and did one, and refused to wear a nappy again, day or night. And he rarely had an accident. So you might be lucky and it might not be as bad as you're imagining.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 07:50

Oh my gosh three is a bit old. Get on with it.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 08:27

And why is 3 too old exactly? certainly judging by a lot of threads on here, a lot of people wait until their DCs turn 3 before potty training because children are ready for it at different ages.

What an unhelpful post, reallypissedoff.

Lightwind - I have just started potty training my DS (3.2) I did see your thread in Mental Health and wanted to wish you luck.

Buda · 28/02/2011 08:35

Yep. 3 is old. My DS was 2 and 11 months! Grin

The bonus of waiting till then is they virtually train themselves.

Is he showing signs of readiness? If not I would wAit a bit longer!

To be honest there will be pooey bums to wipe but not as bad as pooey nappies at that age to be honest.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 08:37

No, sometimes you can have too much understanding. I'm sure the OP will be fine. She can do it, she just doesn't think she can, and she needs to be told she can.

Three is getting on a bit, it really is. They're usually more than capable before three.

I think a lot of people do wait nowadays. I have no idea why.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 08:50

I did try before DS was 3. However he just didn't get it. It is only now that he is really starting to get it.

RumpelstiltskinsHat · 28/02/2011 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 09:06

Why are you sceptical when I tell you I did mine at two and they knew when to tell me they needed a wee and when they needed to go for a poo? Hardly any accidents. They're not stupid, children. They have actually got a clue.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 09:07

In fact my mum did my first, in about two days, sorted, and I did the others. It's the mums holding it back, not the children. You only need to stick it out for a few days.

GnomeDePlume · 28/02/2011 09:17

Some children are ready, some are not, at three. It really doesnt matter so long as they are out of nappies by the time they start work. When did anyone ask you when you came out of nappies?

One thing that might help is that children dont need to be potty trained - we never had a potty, all three used the toilet which can be kept scrupulously clean and of course all ghastliness is flushed away.

Good luck with it whenever you start.

jetgirl · 28/02/2011 09:25

I find you rather judgmental, rightpissedof. DD was trained at 2. DS who is 3 is still in nappies. I have tried, oh believe me, I have tried to potty train him, but so far no joy. Of course, if you live near me and would like to have a go, be my guest! Grin

Lightwind - don't worry. If your ds is showing signs of being ready, give it a go and you may find he nails it quickly. If not, it's really not worth the heartache of pushing him before he's ready and it will be more difficult for you to conquer your fears. Let him choose potty, pants etc and that will make it more fun for him and involve him in the process more actively. Good luck!

RumpelstiltskinsHat · 28/02/2011 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 10:09

Rightpissedoff - no-one is disbelieving you. Fantastic that you managed to get yours potty trained before 3, I know plenty of people who have potty trained way before 3 and good for them!
What we are saying is that we object to your comment that 3yo is not too old!
As long as they are trained before they go to school, I can't see waiting a little longer as being wrong!

I have absolutely no idea when I was potty trained...

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 10:10

What we are saying is that we object to your comment that 3yo is too old!

That is what I meant, obviously Blush

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 11:12

Fantastic before three Hmm I don't think so. Normal.

Children know when they are going to go to the loo (to be euphemistic). All they need to learn is to do it in a place and to express the need. They are more than capable by three. After three should be unusual, rather than the norm.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 11:43

Everyone is being very smiley and nice and I'm not. Sorry about that. I think you are all very nice.

fourbears · 28/02/2011 12:53

Hi lightwind! Usually just lurk but had to write and say I know what you are going through! I felt like this when I was training my DS.

By the way he definitely wasn't ready at 3, tried it and had to put him back in nappies. Tried again at 3 and a half, more progress then but still a lot of accidents. Now I really hated poo at the time (and wee but less so. At least it's sterile) and I had a child who wouldn't lie down for a nappy change and certainly wouldn't stand still to have a poo in the pants sorted out. I had a horror of it falling out and being trailed across the room.

I eventually worked out a way to do it that saved my sanity. If they do do a poo in their pants, don't remove any items of clothing and carry them straight to the bathroom (at arms length Grin) and place them in the empty bath. As long as they are safe there for a sec (obviously no water) you then go and get wipes (nappy and anti-bacterial), carrier bags, new pants, new trousers etc and say encouraging, calming words to yourself so you can cope with what's coming next Smile. Him being in the bath really helped me. He was contained and couldn't run away and any mess ended up on the bath and could be easily cleaned up. I really wish I had thought of it earlier. (Apologies if that seems blindingly obvious, but it wasn't to me!)

Have 3 carrier bags, one for wipes, one for clothes that are not too dirty eg. socks and trousers and one for the pants. Clean him up. Clean the bath up. New clothes on, still standing in the bath. Empty contents into loo.

It sounds wasteful but I used to buy cheap pants (eg.from Primark) and if they were really messed up - you know I mean - and/or I just couldn't face it I used to throw them away. Hence different bags. It was just so much better for me but I don't how you would feel about that. Sounds wasteful but to be honest it was all some of them were fit for!

Then take child downstairs, put in front of toys/telly and empty the bags of clothes straight into the washing machine, then put wash on or (sigh) wait for some more accidents.

This advice also goes if you're at someone else's house. Ask to use their bathroom. Tried to change my very wriggly, uncooperative ds in someone's (carpeted) downstairs loo with people a few yards away listening to me trying to cope! Was absolutely awful.

Anyway, hopefully you won't need any of this. Your DS might catch on really quickly. I'm training my DD at the mo and not nearly so many accidents. What I would do is buy 2 potties (for up and downstairs), lots of cheap pants 10-15 pairs and just keep them for a while. Then you've got them if he suddenly decides he's ready to do it and it's getting your head around it too. Also little pants are very sweet! They're so tiny. V cute. So they're nice to buy.

Wishing you the best of luck and hope this helps!

jetgirl · 28/02/2011 12:57

rightpissedoff - you still haven't said if you'll come and train my son! Seriously though, if you have any tips I would love to hear them. I thought I would find it easy second time around, but my DD was clearly just easier than my DS.

RumpelstiltskinsHat · 28/02/2011 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TanteRose · 28/02/2011 13:03

my two gave up nappies on their own at 3 years (DD) and 3.3 years (DS).

it took one day, we never used a potty, straight on the loo (with childseat and step)...not many accidents after that (and only wees, never poo accidents).

cookielove · 28/02/2011 13:06

jetgirl - not always but by going by 8 years of nursery working 4 in the potty training age room i can hand on heart tell you that girls tend to train quicker than boys.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 13:07

Yes I'd have a go jet! Just because one child is harder doesn't mean you have to give up (not suggesting you have though obviously)

So you disagree with the six months weaning Rumple?

Anyway, they do things at roughly the same time, that's why we have milestones and guidelines. Like, recognise faces at certain ages, they eat solids between 3-6 months, usually 4-6, and there's an ave walking age around 13-15 months or something, and they have finger control at certain ages etc etc. If it doesn't happen you might be thinking about why. So yeah, I think potty training in the middle six months of being 2 would be about right. Two would be early, three would be late. I think a 3.5 yo still in nappies is mum's choice, unless there's something wrong.

jetgirl · 28/02/2011 13:23

cookielove - none of the girls at the nursery my DS goes to think he's a freak Grin

I really would love some of your tips though, rightpissedoff! Haven't given up, just postponed Grin

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