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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

I'm phobic about potty training - and feel v guilty haven't done it yet

65 replies

lightwind · 28/02/2011 07:31

My son is 3 and not yet potty trained. I am feeling really guilty about this, as I'm pretty certain this is my fault. I suffer from severe OCD (I'm really phobic about toilets and all that goes on in them). I have been on anti-depressants for many years and also see a psychologist regularly. Getting to the point of having a baby was a long haul, but I'm glad I did it and I love my son to bits. He's a beautiful, happy, loving child who can be a little monster at times, and though I find being a mum hard at times my son is the most wonderful thing in my world. I'm ok about changing nappies (wasn't at first, took a lot of gritting my teeth and facing my fears), and now I have a system in place that I can just about deal with. But I am terrified of potty training and potential 'accidents', so have been avoiding doing it. Has anyone else faced any similar fears or issues? I feel really stupid and inadequate.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

cookielove · 28/02/2011 13:35

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 15:47

Rightpissedoff - we'll have to agree to disagree then.

But if you have any tips I'll be happy to hear them!

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 19:59

Yes sure tis the best way

I don't really have any, it's a mum-child relationship thing, you have to do it the way it feels right. I was all pathetic about it until my mum said the thing to do is just decide it's happening, and not "let's see if he takes to it". It's not hard for them: they know to ask when they want to eat, they just transfer that to weeing and pooing.

eg with one of them my boy didn't like the empty space under his bot so my mum put him in front of a cartoon for an hour during which time he relaxed with the empty space under his bot and pooed and it was all fine from then on. I did the TV thing a couple more times and that was all that was needed to accustom him to the potty. Until my mum sorted it I was far, far too precious to imagine that I could use the TV as a distraction, with me it was all "oh he has to realise what he's doing and think about it so he knows next time". Well, he didn't really.

But I mean that's just one thing -- I think just about everything can work so long as the mum has enough confidence and decisiveness. Except for excessive telling off of course. But most things will work so long as the child is clear that the mum isn't going to swerve from the path of righteousness iyswim.

whomovedmychocolate · 28/02/2011 20:31

"path of righteousness"

No really you are very funny.

It's this sort of 'well clearly you are doing something wrong' attitude that leaves parents feeling insecure because their child isn't quite there yet. When actually it's not a case of whether a child is biddable but often a physiological issue.

I am a very confident and decisive parent. As it happens I'm also a parent who is able to talk to her children and also know them well enough to know when something isn't going to work. I find your sanctimonious attitude highly offensive rightpissedoff.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 20:38

Who cares?

People used to do it at two when it was generally accepted that is when you do it. Now it's generally accepted that so long as they're out of nappies by school, you're doing pretty well -- so it's happening at three and later. People just fit in with what others are doing. and it's not the children choosing to fit in.

Just goes to show, it's more to do with advice and the zeitgeist than the children themselves.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 20:41

Tbh the "you are doing something wrong attitude" pervades child-rearing these days and most of it comes from "experts" or the government. That undermines confidence so mums look for failure everywhere. They aren't going to go running down the road looking for something where some element of failure is initially almost guaranteed. So they wait and wait until any possibility of failure is almost eliminated.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 20:43

In fact failure and trying again, or trying something different, and trying to be consistent in the middle of it all, are so much a part of parenthood -- people should just take it in their stride.

whomovedmychocolate · 28/02/2011 20:44

No, it shows that people were very keen to say 'oh yes little Timmy is potty trained' without actually acknowledging that little Timmy was being taken to the loo every fifteen minutes, had frequent accidents which were brushed over and was guilted into complying more through habit than need.

I have no idea when my friends have potty trained their children, it's none of my business frankly. Unless they are piddling in my pot plants I don't give a monkeys.

Why do you feel the need to march over and tell the OP to get on with it?

Oh wait, I forgot, you seem to think she's doing something wrong. To quote you: "After three should be unusual, rather than the norm."

Can you please list your medical qualifications then? I'd like to understand where your child development knowledge comes from.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 20:46

Why do you think they were all lying? How bizarre.

Gosh you do get worked up about potty training don't you. Possibly a problem here.

whomovedmychocolate · 28/02/2011 20:52

No I didn't say they were all lying. I don't have a problem with potty training. I have a problem with your sanctimonious attitude. There are more ways than yours and you are not necessarily right. Nor am I for the record but I don't go after posters who are vulnerable. It's unpleasant.

And I'm still waiting to hear why you are the expert here?

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 21:00

yes you did, you said "it shows that people were very keen to say oh yes little timmy is potty trained without actually acknowledging that litte timmy was being taken to the loo every fifteen minutes, had frequent accidents which were brushed over"

I mean, you're saying they were lying. Why would you say that?

What on earth does "guilted into complying more through habit than need" mean? Word to the wise: adults know more than children about most things.

Am not sanctimonious it's my opinion. You think it's sanctimonious because you don't like it and it makes you feel guilty. But it's not, it's just an opinion based on experience and on my mum and her mum and my friend's mums and all that, combined with a healthy dose of the bleeding obvious.

Oh God I haven't done any exams about it -- sorry I forgot that I therefore know nothing

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 21:01

I'm wondering why you're so worked up. Are you feeling guilty about something?

whomovedmychocolate · 28/02/2011 21:06

I do not feel guilty - what do I have to feel guilty about.

You've said I feel guilty several times.

I don't feel guilty about anything. I feel annoyed that you would set out to pick on someone who is clearly vulnerable (the OP).

Several times.

And 'word to the wise' is pretty patronising.

Please take your 'healthy dose of the bleeding obvious' with a

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 21:11

I have no idea -- you are very worked up though and have been since your first post. If you say you aren't feeling guilty I believe you, though you seem to believe others are lying without any good reason at all. People just don't normally get that worked up unless there's something behind it.

Am not picking on her at all -- this is a big problem actually, this feeling that if you say something you're picking on someone. Basically, she either hands over the child for someone else to do it (not a bad idea under the circs) or just gets on with it.

Yes well spotted, I was being patronising with word to the wise. Well done.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 21:11

and what does "guilted into complying more through habit than need mean"?

wilkos · 28/02/2011 21:22

well I am with rightpissedoff

a child of 3 should be well on the road to using the loo especially if he/she is at pre-school. there is no reason why a 3 year old with a non phobic parent should be in nappies, its loads of mess to deal with, totally gross to smell someone elses 3 year olds poo in a public place, and embarassing for the child when they are the only one still in nappies out of all their friends

HOWEVER - the op does have a phobia which changes the situation somewhat for her and her child, so normal potty training rules do not apply IMHO.

good luck with it all op, hopefully its easier than you think

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 21:23

Yes the phobia changes things.

If someone else can be brought it like a mum I think it would be helpful.

UnAgentSecrete · 28/02/2011 21:59

"Yes the phobia changes things."

That was the whole point of the thread, rightpissedoff, and the reason people have got upset about your ignorant, thoughtless comments. It's only you who apparently missed that point.

You're not really giving a great demonstration of empathy or sensitivity or respect for others here.

Or maybe those are qualities you think are entirely irrelevant to being a mother/being a human being in general?

So perhaps your DC will end up - like you - potty trained but liable to stomp all over other people who happen to have had different experiences from them, and who may be particularly vulnerable to that kind of attack, as WMMC so rightly says. And you will consider that a job well done.

Unless of course you actually ever have the humility to admit there may be things that you need to learn from other people. People who aren't your own mother or any of her friends.

Probably easier for you to just carry on being a smug know-it-all. As you were.

simpson · 28/02/2011 22:10

well I potty trained my 3yr old DD last wk (half term) and she definatly was not ready before then.

I don't think she was "too late" to be trained

She cracked it in 2 days with relatively few accidents really.

She did not walk till she was 22mths so bang goes your theory on average walking age

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 22:17

Oh get lost secret agent.

I responded on another thread to her as well.

There's not much to be done if she can't hand the child to someone else. She just has to do it herself. She's going to find it easier to be decisive if she knows that. Let's face it, she needs resolve and wibbling about isn't going to offer any support to her resolve.

My advice on the other thread was that she should a. do the toilet seat not potty and b. budget at the start to never clean any clothes that get soiled. If you know that you aren't going to be scraping anything revolting it can help your resolve enormously I suppose, if you have a phobia. I suggest a drawer of "throwaway" trousers and pants from Primark and just go for it.

Quite frankly, so long as the funds are available (and it wouldn't be that much considering a. age three and b. primark trackie bottoms are about 2.50) that is the best advice the OP has yet been offered. Apart from handing the job to someone else.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 22:19

simpson, it doesn't mean there's no average, it means your child doesn't fit the average

jetgirl · 28/02/2011 22:23

Lightwind - i would suggest you speak through your concerns with a hv. I imagine they have had to support other parents who have the same concerns. We seem to have hijacked your thread somewhat!

I didn't walk until 22 months either simpson! Does that make me abnormal too?

rightpissedoff - fwiw I am a confident and decisive parent, I really don't see what that has to do with my son's bladder not yet sending signals to.his brain telling him he needs to visit the toilet

simpson · 28/02/2011 22:24

I agree with you about the average but my point is that if a child potty trains at 3 then there is nothing wrong with it as each child is different iyswim

UnAgentSecrete · 28/02/2011 22:27

"oh get lost" Hit a nerve, did I?

I didn't know I was supposed to read all your posts on other threads before responding to what you said on this one! Must be a new MN law I wasn't informed about.

You impress me with your extensive knowledge of dealing with phobias.

In this thread the OP clearly requested to hear back from others who have "faced any similar fears or issues", which is clearly not you, and in that context your opening remark "oh my gosh 3 is a bit old. Get on with it" was definitely ignorant and thoughtless.

rightpissedoff · 28/02/2011 22:29

jetgirl -- it is sending signals to his brain, they need to be connected to the toilet that's all

he's done it with food, he's done it with toys, and other things he wants and doesn't want, why do you think, of all the things that he learns to signal that he wants and doesn't want, this is the one thing that doesn't work?

it does work, it just needs the real life connections and habits made

yes sorry op, i reaplied on your other thread

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