Do you ever regret having kids? (What it does to your body)

[Mumofonexo]

During the delivery I ended up having forceps, episiotomy and a third degree tear. The tear causes pain and issues occasionally but I’ve been told more surgery could make it worse. I have now found out I’ve got a bladder prolapse 🥲

I wish people would be frank and honest about how childbirth can affect your body (not just stretch marks)

I don’t mind not being able to go out and have adult only holidays but I do miss my old body and self so much 😢

Obviously everyone wants a baby to be born healthy but it really rubs me up the wrong way when the physical and mental damage suffered by mothers is waved away with “oh well, as long as the baby is ok.” Mothers deserve to matter too.

Yes! 👏 I had comments from friends and family like that! So me not being able to feel when I need a wee anymore and leaking poo is okay? Absolutely awful. Damage like that is awful and people don’t realise how much that can affect things like loosing your job ect.

just because your a mum doesn’t mean you shouldn’t matter x

Thank you. I feel alone as other women seem to be fine after giving birth. I struggled with infections and mood. Not great and it has put me off!

My inbox is open if you want a chat 🩷 motherhood can be so lonely x

Don't give up faith that improvements can still be made 18 m-2yrs pp and beyond. Your on your own healing timeline and it doesn't mean this is your status quo. Keep pushing for help as exhausting as it is and as much as you shouldn't have to.

I don't regret it but I have a minor rectal prolapse that I know will only get worse until the point where something bas to be done. You're right, nobody talks about this.

I’m sorry to hear that 😥 I did read something like 50% of women have a prolapse of some kind but I bet it’s actually higher as some might not know they’ve got one.

I definitely think we should talk about these things x

Ah man it just doesn’t seem normal as a species that we have to see mothers bodies changed permanently after childbirth. Does this happen with other mammals?!

I don’t have any gynae issues yet (2 EMC with no current scar issues but third elective at some point). But my lovely boobs are long gone. I had great boobs. Small but perky. The midwife couldn’t believe they were natural boobs she said they were the least saggy she’s ever seen. Luckily I took a couple of photos pre pregnancy so I could look back on my lovely boobs.
they got so big in both pregnancies and now so so small and deflated and covered in ripples stretch marks. No firmness or juiciness whatsoever. Just empty sacks.

also ages at least 5 years with face wrinkles due to sleep deprivation, not looking after my skin, barely having time to drink water etc.

also have two scars as during second emergency they didn’t even have time to look for my first scar. So thanks for that!! Two lovely tummy scars. Wonder if I’ll get a third

I really feel for you OP. It makes me furious that women are often not allowed to choose the birth they want, they are told a CS is unnecessary, risky, expensive, and the risks of a VB are deliberately downplayed.

I am lucky that I had my kids overseas privately and it was my choice both times. I chose a CS twice and have never regretted it, even though the epidural didn't quite work properly in the first one 😖😖😖 Apart from that screaming agony (I had to be made to sleep for the last 10 minutes) ... Recovery was fine, no damage whatsoever down below, breastfed perfectly, and just one small scar with a small bulge at one end rather than an overhang.

But even if it had gone wrong and I'd experienced some of the negatives mentioned for a CS (much less likely nowadays), I think I would have been able to accept it better because it was MY choice. That's what I would wish for every woman.

I've had 1 vaginal birth and am fine. Was checked by a pelvic physio as part of my job/training and all okay. I've never been incontinent. No more kids for me. I know when menopause looms though things may change.

Yes I completely agree with you the risks do get downplayed!

Honestly I’m so pleased for you that both CS went well for you as I wouldn’t wish birth trauma on anyone.

Yeah that’s how I feel, I’m angry because it wasn’t really my choice as the doctor forced forceps onto me and sold me a dream that it was completely risk free. (I’m trying to take legal action) however if it was completely my decision I wouldn’t feel so angry.

@Mumofonexo I didn't escape complications completely, but it was nothing to do with the birth at least. I was so well looked after though with both pregnancies and I'm grateful for that. I totally disagree with midwife-led care and feel that every woman should see a qualified obstetrician. And have regular scans not just 12 and 20 weeks.

Yes I think speaking to an actual obstetrician would be beneficial for lots of women! I don’t think they would have glossed over my fears around vaginal birth so much.

I agree with you regarding the scans too!

I completely agree OP, the risks around tears are completely glossed over and minimised during all pre natal appointments. Yes the information is the there but when you try and discuss it you’re told it’ll be fine.

My first got stuck and I ended up in surgery having forceps. I raised this fear before the birth as his head was big but was ignored. After a lot of pelvic floor physio that really helped I opted for a c-section for my second. Best decision for me. Yes the recovery was tough but so was the recovery from my vaginal birth. I managed to avoid any further damage to my pelvic floor and the birth was so much calmer and easier to manage.

I boil with rage when women are lectured on the best way to give birth by the ones who don’t have to live with the consequences. It should be up to us and nobody else!

I have a very short perineum and I knew I was at risk of a bad tear with my second child. I spoke to the midwife about this when I was in labour and she agreed to help guide me when the baby was crowning to give birth slowly (as had happened with my first). She barely spoke to me during the delivery and would not answer my questions. I ended up with a 3rd (nearly 4th) degree tear and have some (mostly fairly mild, but expecting them to get worse as I age) incontinence issues. Mismanagement of my child's birth is probably the only thing in life I'm bitter about. I wish I'd had a planned c-section. To help with my pelvic floor I did Mutu system. I do recommend it, I think it has helped. If my problems get worse again I will do it again in the future and hopefully it will help again.

Totally agree about seeing an OB. I did for my second and it was so much more objective than what the midwives had told me. I also had a scan at 34 weeks which was so helpful in the decision making process.

Thank you for this post. I too had so many telling me my trauma didn’t matter because baby is ok. Yes, I matter too. Thank you

I'm really glad you've started this thread. Thank you, it's such a shame that so many women don't share what's happened - me included I have such close friends and family but only dh really has an inkling what's happened to my body and even he doesn't realise the full extent. I dont know why i dont feel able to open up to them.

Don't regret my kids but for me (2 vaginal deliveries, one with forceps): struggled with bowel control after episotomy and tear 1st baby (shit myself twice, that's fine now but I worry about it returning as i age, couldn't hold a fart in at all for months and even now still struggle sometimes. So embarrassing they are so loud and seem more frequent than they used to be). After second baby 3 yrs ago my orgasms are rubbish. I'm never turned on like I used to be and sometimes I get close and then it just fades away. Any I do have are not as intense. Touching my clitoris is often sore, even with lube. No problems with peeing on the plus side - although I have a number of friends who struggle with that. Saggy tits.

I’m sorry to hear that! The only person that knows how bad things got is my husband and I told my mum a few things.
I get that! I had a few accidents after birth but thankfully that’s resolved now but wind can sometimes be an issue especially if you cough really hard 😅 like you I do worry about the future but I’ve read some other posts from woman with tears are they are fine so I’m hoping things will be okay in that department.

did you have a vaginal birth with your second?

again sex is something else you don’t talk about after having babies! I just don’t want it and feel constantly exhausted tbh. Sorry to hear about your issues.

Same here peeing is fine it’s just the other end that worries me 🥲

I was very afraid of all the risks which are well documented and opted for a home birth with my first child. It was an amazing experience. Long and hard, with a minor tear, but I recovered. Im
now slimmer, fitter and stronger than I was pre-children. I delayed having kids because I thought it would ruin my physical health - but it’s never been better. I worked really really hard at my recovery and worked with a pelvic health physio pre and post labour. Please don’t think that having kids has ruined you - you can work through all of those issues including the prolapse with expert help. There’s no point thinking about how a c section would have avoided this, you were just unlucky. But you can totally recover. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time.

I don’t mean to undermine you but once you’ve damaged your sphincter muscles you will never fully recover. Scar tissue cannot replace muscle. There has been study’s that show women who have torn to a third or fourth degree have a high chance of ending up with fecal incontinence when menopause occurs.
Im glad it didn’t happen to you but please don’t tell me not to dwell on things. I will forever regret not having a c section.

Ah man it just doesn’t seem normal as a species that we have to see mothers bodies changed permanently after childbirth. Does this happen with other mammals?!

@Nc546888 hyenas have long dangly clitorises that they give birth through, shudder!

But generally - it's an evolutionary thing and birth hurts most other species much less than humans. We evolved to walk on two legs and we evolved to have bigger brains. Walking on two legs limits the size that pelvic opening can be, bigger brain means bigger head. See the conflict?

So human birth is about getting the biggest possible head out of a pelvic opening that can't get bigger without impacting our mobility. Mother nature's little joke.

It's none of your faults, our bodys are very design faulty. We have a backwards retina, bones we don't need and birth is very hard on the body. Sorry for all with lasting complications, it sounds rough. I think you are all amazing as someone who couldn't have children.

Beat me to it. We traded some things for others over time.

I still don’t recognise my body 2 years after giving birth. I was 33, PND hit me like a train, and I was left in pain and bleeding for 9 months following the birth. I had several scans which identified retained products and was referred urgently to consultants three times to get it removed, and then dismissed by consultants three times because they said it was safer to wait to see if my body could expel everything itself. Which it did eventually. By which time I’d gone up three sizes because exercise was too painful, and I’d been on 5 courses of antibiotics which completely destroyed my skin’s natural microbiome. It still hasn’t recovered.

I probably should have pushed through and got off my arse and gone running, but I didn’t because it hurt and frankly some days getting out of bed at all felt like too much. So now I’m 35, fat, can’t wear make up or perfume without causing a massive rash across my face, doped up on antidepressants, and piss myself when I try to pick up my toddler too quickly.