Do you ever regret having kids? (What it does to your body)

[Mumofonexo]

During the delivery I ended up having forceps, episiotomy and a third degree tear. The tear causes pain and issues occasionally but I’ve been told more surgery could make it worse. I have now found out I’ve got a bladder prolapse 🥲

I wish people would be frank and honest about how childbirth can affect your body (not just stretch marks)

I don’t mind not being able to go out and have adult only holidays but I do miss my old body and self so much 😢

I've had 4 babies, my body looks like someone stuffed marbles into a sock! I wouldn't change my babies for anything but...
I think the mental health side of things does take a massive tole and has affected me personally more than the physical changes,
stuck behind 4 walls most of the day, someone always needing me and being touched constantly, I'm a shadow of my former self, no energy to put anything into self care because I'm always looking after these tiny people who rely on me literally to survive is really difficult I find

I completely agree with you! Sadly women seem to still just been seen as breeding machines.

They are very wise women!

I also read up on risks but feel like tears are glossed over and they make out like once you’ve been repaired all should be well. I never once imagined you could continue to have issues afterwards if not now after menopause.

also with prolapse it’s made out like pelvic floor exercises are a magic cure and low grades don’t cause issues when they do.

I really wish my midwife was honest when I had mentioned I was worried about tearing and birth and not just told most women tear and are absolutely fine it’s nothing to worry about and just to do hypnobirthing. I know lots of women are fine but I just wish they got into the nitty gritty not to scare you but do you can make an informed choice.

my mum had all the above 🤢 still had 3 children god only knows why!

I’m really sorry to hear that 🥺 do you have much support?

I'm sorry to read how much some people have struggled.

To be honest, this is one of the reasons I feel very uncomfortable with the fact that surrogacy is becoming more common these days. Pregnancy and childbirth can have a devastating effect on women's bodies, no matter how much medical intervention is available.

It’s actually heartbreaking knowing so many women have issues if not physically but mentally.

yes! I’m on a prolapse group and one lady carried for a friend and has now ended up with 2 different prolapses. It makes me so sad that that is another issue that doesn’t really get spoken about.

Sorry to hear about your health issues.
I would recommend you have a listen or read to Why Mums Don’t Jump podcast. Helen talks about the after affects/taboo topics and is really relatable.

@Mumofonexo yeah I have a really close family who do help, I'm very lucky
It's a loneliness that's hard to describe, like I could be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone if that makes sense?
I'm coming out the other side now though, I can see the light now my youngest is getting bigger
I've got 4 under 6 😅

I’m glad you’ve got help from family.
Did or do you have postnatal depression? I suffered really badly with dissociation after my baby was born and felt so spaced out like I wasn’t really here? It’s an awful feeling

There's no doubt that birth, whichever way, changes our bodies but what really makes me angry is how it's trivialised and women aren't allowed to properly rest and recover.
They're expected to get on with things as immediately as possible, being told that women in third world countries are working in the fields 3 days after birth or such nonsense.
In many cultures, family rally around, bring food, look after other dc and mum and baby just rest for a few weeks, recovering and bonding at a gentle pace.
No wonder we have so many issues and high rates of pnd.

You poor thing. I was is afraid of this and had an elective c section - the midwife 'counselling' me about it said she couldn't guarantee me not having prolapse and I was too scared.
I hope you have a loving partner and can access good physiotherapy. X

I think the gold standard then is to opt for elective and then agree to try to push - then they can let you try and if there is anything going wrong they'll take you into theatre instead of foreceps etc - I was offered that

Thank you. Sounds like you definitely made the right choice! If I had a Time Machine I would go back and do the same x

I think it’s one of those things that even knowing the information is totally different to experiencing and living it first hand, at least for me anyway! I’d heard all the horror stories, done all the research, still decided to go for vaginal birth as I was able to accept whatever happened happened as long as baby got here safe. But an episiotomy, forceps and a tear later, none of the research really prepared me for the reality of that! My baby is 7 months old now and thankfully other than probably looking a mess down there (I don’t dare look myself😂) I don’t have any terrible complications, and I don’t think even with the knowledge and experience I have now that I’d have chosen any differently, but it was definitely a shock.

Can I ask did you have a third or fourth degree tear?

I had a really lovely consultant for my elective (after an emergency) who said that while she had to give me a list of risks for it, she could also reel off a bunch of risks for vaginal birth, which included some of the stuff on this thread. I've had two sections and other than the scar and a slight pouch, which actually I think was mostly due to carrying extra weight as I've lost 3 stone and it's almost gone, I've had no lasting effect physical effects, bladder is normal, etc. I'm very grateful.

I'm so sorry for everyone on this thread dealing with unpleasant after-effects. I don't think the risk of birth is properly spoken about, there's such a focus on hypnobirthing and natural birth and stuff, but it seems very disingenuous not to be realistic about some of the stuff that can go wrong that can really affect quality of life.

The problem is, there's just no way of knowing if it'll happen to you or not. I went with what I felt was a more controllable and known risk by having an elective instead of a VBAC and I'm glad I did as it worked out great, but perhaps I would have had some sort of Earth Mother empowering natural birth if I had tried, I'll never know. All we can do is make decisions with the information we have and the risks we are comfortable with, but we do need to know these risks beforehand

It’s not just the birth. As a result of the pregnancy, I had pulmonary embolism, so I’m not ever allowed to go on most types of hormonal birth control or HRT in the future. Any pain in my legs immediately makes me panic. It also put quite a lot of strain on my heart, and I now have aortic dilation so I’m now under cardiology.

So yes two things I can just drop dead from…

However as others have said, I do not regret having my kids, but I certainly will not have any more

But I'm still not sure what you're saying here - what you should have been told that would have changed the outcome. Were there particular risk factors for you that you think you should have been told about? Because as people have said there is no way of knowing the outcome for a particular woman. It feels like you wish that someone had told you what would happen to you specifically, but no one knew that. If you want someone to tell pregnant women the absolute worst case scenarios for both vaginal and caesarean births then I guess they could, but whether that would lead to women being empowered to make the best choices for themselves is unclear.

I hope we call talk about these things more openly like in the way the taboo around miscarriage seems to have been reduced a lot lately with people speaking up about it. We would need some public figures to share their experiences

I’m saying women should be informed of all the risks good or bad. That way you can only kick yourself for making your own decisions.
had I properly been informed about vaginal birth/ forceps I never would have chosen to have a vaginal delivery. If the c section I wanted went wrong and I couldn’t have anymore children I would be fine with that as I only wanted one anyway. It’s the fact I’m now left feeling constantly uncomfortable down below and have basically been told I’m going to end up in a nappy.

for reference I was told a forceps delivery was risk free and no episiotomy was needed 😅

It was 10 years ago, it is 95% better than it was before surgery. However, even with avoiding impact sports, I need to wear pads because every so often, urine will leak while I'm on my way to the loo.

I had a third degree tear, I also had a first degree tear at the top which ran right up to my urethra which required I think it was 5 stitches and actually that was the one which caused more issues for me as it would spasm a lot as it was healing which meant when I was trying to have a wee I couldn’t get the wee out. It was a really harrowing experience, obviously the main thing is my baby is here and healthy, if not for the forceps delivery she might not be, but it wasn’t at all as I expected it to be. Although now 7 months on I have really very few long lasting issues which I’m grateful for x

Im pleased to hear it worked but so sorry to hear you leak 🥺 being a woman is so tough.

That sounds painful tearing up too and very traumatic. I’m glad to hear you’re alright now. I wouldn’t wish lasting symptoms on anyone. X

I read a lot about tearing etc and was very anxious about it to the point that I was relieved to have an EMCS due to baby deciding to go footling breech during my induction. I had a large baby (3.95kg) and everyone kept talking to me about him potentially getting stuck, but steamrolled ahead with induction being the best way forward anyway.

I was particularly horrified by a woman who had a tear going UP, so towards her clitoris, which ended up going numb. I honestly didn't know that could happen until I'd read her story.

I have been left with an unsightly belly apron which affect my naked body confidence and the skin around my scar is numb 18 months later. Even so, I am glad deep down that it's my belly skin, and not my vulva/clit, that is numb.

There's a weird culture about "not scaring" first time mums with what could go wrong, but if you look at the statistics SO many women end up with injuries and/or interventions that it feels negligent to not talk about those things. I am glad we live in the internet age and can look into this stuff independently, at the very least.