Husband gone off to Xmas party even though I have just been diagnosed with PND and we have a 2 year old and 5 week old

[Anxiousmumlife]

I have recently been diagnosed with PND. I didnt have it with my DS but my DD i do. She is 6 weeks old tomorrow and I have had breakdown after breakdown begging for help some days. But knowing all this my husband has still gone to hos worka christmas party. He has been at work all day, was home for all of 2 hours then went out again. My toddler needs to get ready for bed but my baby is screaming because she has colic and i got so worked up I ripped a chunk of my own hair out.
The fact it feels like he didnt even consider the impact it could have on my mental health has hit hard. Ive told how much ive been struggling for weeks but he only sprung the party on me 3 days ago. I just feel so much resentment. I dont know if its mean of me to just need support or I should just get on with it.

@Oblomov22 the baby is 5 weeks old, quite feasible OP would still be struggling with PND no matter how much help she would have received in that period of time.

I actually cannot belive some of these responses, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
"When I got diagnosed with PND/depression/GAD/SaD I took the counselling and medication route.
Slowly, my perspectives became clearer and my need for attention waned"
What the actual fuck??? Need for attention?
I have been where OP is, colicky baby who would scream for 5 hours a night, horrendous PND, and even though I have a very supportive DH I was this close to just walking out. I couldn't eat, was in tears all day non stop, didnt sleep at all for over 30hrs straight at one point I was so unwell, if DH had left to go to s party I don't know what I would have done.
I really feel for you OP ❤️

I'm sorry but have you had a colicky baby before?
I did and I couldn't 'snuggle' on the soda with him, he screamed and needed to be carried around the house whilst rocked. Constantly.
Even when he slept. The minute I would stop rocking/movement, he'd wake up.

The baby is 6 weeks old. That is not ages. Her having to beg for husband for help, won’t improve the state of her mental health no matter how much eating,sleeping and exercising she does. Then he fucks off for the night, knowing she is struggling and has a baby and a toddler to look after on her own. After spending only 2 hours at home.

Even by the lowest standards, that's shitty behaviour.

My feeling exactly.

It's as if some posters are unaware PND is a potentially serious condition.

And of course OP has all the time and resources in the world to cook and eat healthy meals, exercise (!!) and sleep 8 hours a night...

Having a newborn baby is really bloody hard. Having a colicky baby is really bloody hard. Having a colicky newborn with a toddler is really bloody hard.

PND on top of all that? That is next levels of bloody hard.

I had PND. My baby wasn’t colicky and I didn’t have any other children at the time. It was one of the hardest times of my life and I would cry whenever my husband left the house. That was with medication and counselling and loads of support from GP. It took a long time to heal.

So, if you’re minded to make judgements on the help and support the OP should have, meaning her husband can swan off on Xmas do without so much as a second thought to his wife and children’s wellbeing (I’m looking at you @Oblomov22 ) then I politely suggest you don’t contribute.

I'm offering support yes I know you need to bounce, rock ,walk ,jog whatever it takes.

I'm saying don't stress to do bed bath ,bottle,boob whatever .....just try and do what's needed to improve the immediate situation.

Actually I've no idea why I'm even explaining myself to you. 🙄

Aww OP you've reached out here for support, your not alone 🤗

He may surprise you & come home early.
Either way please tell your health visitor, they maybe able to put you in touch with a local support group

@SarahAndQuack I'm not trying to belittle her. I've struggled with PND with my first and my fourth. Both were very difficult experiences.
Please stop trying to make ne out to be a bad person when I'm offering advice.

Can some women's standards get any lower?:/

I’m sorry but your post makes me sweaty.

The OP has a 6weeks old baby. How long does it take to have a GP appointment nowadays? My surgery is 6 weeks unless you have a day appointment that are gone by 8.02am. It will have taken a lot for the OP just to get to that point.

Seond 6 weeks is now a long time?? Enough time to get CBT and AD for all of that to work? I mean are you joking?? Any idea how long it takes to actually have CBT on the NHS?

Seriously your post is a lot of crap and that’s being polite.

As for having had several breakdowns… yes that’s called dealing with a colicky baby on her own with a toddler in tow and a fucking useless husband. No wonder the OP is that stage.

But instead, you think it’s a great idea to berate the OP to not have got help sooner, like what, before the birth maybe??

@Anxiousmumlife it’s tough. A colicky baby is awful and to have no help at all on the top of it is even worse.

You need some support. Your DH clearly doesn’t want to give you that and prefers to ‘escape’ to quieter places.
Could you go and stay with your parents if they can help (at least with dealing with the toddler?)? ADs will help with how you feel but it won’t help with the baby and the screaming.

How are you doing OP? I had pnd first time around and was in a dark place, so I can imagine you are struggling tonight. I hope your toddler went to bed ok, if not emergency paw patrol is ok to get through the next few hours. Once your DH is home, you need a plan to ensure you get the support you need.

To the utterly appalling, male apologist shit-for-brains on this thread, this is a woman with a toddler, a five-week-old and fucking postnatal depression.

Any person who thinks it’s ok to leave their partner in that state so they can go and get fucked up with the people they work with, needs putting out of their misery. Those who are defending this man’s ‘right to party’ can follow suit.

Unbelievable.

How are you today OP? I had really bad PND with both my children, and I agree that some of the answers on here are ridiculous. I could hardly function when I had it. I definitely think he should have stayed at home. My world felt so dark for many weeks, but it does get better. Try to hold on and YADNBU. You are seriously ill and should not have been left to cope alone like that.

I hope you're okay OP. I hope you made it through last night without hurting yourself again.

I just wanted to say I hear you and I'm there too and it's the absolute worst time of my life right now.

My DH is also fucking useless but he's going through his own stuff right now so we've hit pause on making the breakup decision.

I just do whatever I need to do to stop the crying because the crying makes me not cope. If that means the toddler doesn't sleep til midnight then so be it.

Last night I shut the bathroom door so hard I shattered a glass shelf. Thank god both kids were asleep and didn't wake. I just sobbed.

I hope you're getting some support and I want to reassure you that finally I seem to have found a medication that agrees with me and things are (very gradually) easing.

Unlike you, I did suffer with my first, it was worse and I didn't seek help and I made attempt on my own life. I got some patchy support after this but it was covid and there wasn't really any genuine help. Thank god my midwife was amazing this time and made sure I had all the support under the sun firmly in place before no.2 was born and it's still pretty dark right now.

My point that I'm getting to is that, I survived this once and I will again. There is light at the end of the very dark tunnel and you'll make it out eventually.

Please reach out for support in real life. Try to speak to your DH when the crisis has blown over and see if you can both calmly put in place a safety / support plan so you can both whether this storm.

Please message me if you feel it would be helpful.

Book a spa??

she has a 5 week old… I don’t think the spa is what she needs right now!

Haven’t read the whole thread but it’s one evening… I’m sorry you are struggling but if he’s usually supportive you need to support him as well.

'Book a spa' seems to be the MN answer to most things.....

He’s gone to a party, maybe 4 hours max?
He’s not run off with the Dagenham Girl Pipers!
He needs his downtime sometimes I guess

Living with someone with MH difficulties is very hard. If this is a one-off and gives him enough space to then be fully supportive of the OP, then I don't see an issue.

Bloody hell, its 2022, not 1984. I would absolutely not work for a company that gave me shit for staying at home with my ill partner and very young children, and missing the xmas party.

@PortiasBiscuit I'm guessing the OP doesn’t get any downtime, and is probably in more need of that what with having PND. If she has been begging for help that sort of implies he’s not really helping and responsive to anyone’s needs, apart from his own

This.

Hang on in there @Anxiousmumlife .
I’ve had PND and it was a very difficult time. Please hold in your mind that it will pass, it won’t last forever and take it a day at a time if necessary.

I do wonder just how much your selfish H is contributing to your PND, feeling unsupported is worse than being a lone parent imho. (I’ve been in both situations)

who is supporting you? Does the HV know?

sending you a virtual unmumsnetty hug, and a ☕️🍰

Why do people keep banging on with "if he's usually supportive then...". It's right in the OP that she has been begging him several times for help.

🤣🤣🤣 so so true.