Husband gone off to Xmas party even though I have just been diagnosed with PND and we have a 2 year old and 5 week old

[Anxiousmumlife]

I have recently been diagnosed with PND. I didnt have it with my DS but my DD i do. She is 6 weeks old tomorrow and I have had breakdown after breakdown begging for help some days. But knowing all this my husband has still gone to hos worka christmas party. He has been at work all day, was home for all of 2 hours then went out again. My toddler needs to get ready for bed but my baby is screaming because she has colic and i got so worked up I ripped a chunk of my own hair out.
The fact it feels like he didnt even consider the impact it could have on my mental health has hit hard. Ive told how much ive been struggling for weeks but he only sprung the party on me 3 days ago. I just feel so much resentment. I dont know if its mean of me to just need support or I should just get on with it.

Sorry - I feel** ^^

Well @Oblomov22 all the first ones would be assisted by having her partner at home helping.

To be brutal, if you hadn't been just diagnosed, would you have stopped him from going to a work's party?

I fully appreciate that you're finding everything hard right now but life doesn't stop for everyone. That's a brutal thing to hear but it's the truth.
The world doesn't stop for you and your own personal fight.
You need to find help/support/maybe medication.

When I got diagnosed with PND/depression/GAD/SaD I took the counselling and medication route.
Slowly, my perspectives became clearer and my need for attention waned.
I'll be honest and say that counselling seemed a hindrance and I wished I hadn't gone down that route as it wasn't for me. But it helps many people.

Of course he shouldn't have gone- massively surprised that anyone thinks otherwise.

So instead of PND let’s say OP had COVID and was poorly with it, but all other things were the same, should the DH go to the party @Oblomov22? is it just PND that you don’t think a partner should consider when deciding on socialising especially if they can see the mother of their 2 children really struggling?

Jesus Christ what am I reading? Why are some PPs making excuses for this man?!

OP it’s really shit of him. I’m guessing there wasn’t even a conversation, he just assumed he was going and went out? Didn’t even think about your needs?

Need for attention?! The OP hasn’t got a need for attention she has a need for some support and her husband should be the first provider of that. They are his kids too FFS.

Of the many bullshit responses, this is the worst.

No, I'm sorry, a man who hasn't given birth and doesn't have PND does not 'need' a break from his tiny baby and toddler, right now.

He may be expected to attend the party. It may be 'mandatory'. But work is also, I believe, mandatory? It's not an optional jolly you can take or leave. But if you are working and you have an emergency to deal with, you have to deal with the emergency - in this case, a seriously ill partner.

What's he like as a parent? And partner?

Normally brilliant, pulling his weight? Or generally a shit dad? Is there someone else who could've come to support you for 1 night?

You manage when he's at work, you can manage now.
Put baby down somewhere safe and get your toddler ready for bed. Nothing else needs doing. Then you can cuddle baby.

Sadly I'm not getting a great feeling about this guy.
I totally understand that an xmas party is a one-off, dads (like mums) need 'time off' etc etc.
But - you've got a huge amount on your plate. You're not well.
If he were to go out, he should have made VERY sure that you had assistance.
Not just waltz out and leave you to deal with PND, colic and two young kids.
He needs to be made aware of this, and then in future be far, far more considerate. In this case it is a matter of safety, not just 'being a good dad/partner'.
Will this happen OP, do you think?

But she's saying she is struggling to manage.

If she's struggling when he's out at work, lumbering her with extra time is unfair and unsafe.

(I am, personally, stunned by the idea of getting a toddler ready for bed and doing the night shift with a newborn being 'nothing else'! What planet are you on?!)

He's an absolute arsehole not much more I can say.

Some folk saying maybe he can't get out of it, well all he has to say is that his wife is sick and he has to look after the kids, done.

OP

Take really simple steps. Put the baby down somewhere safe, if possible with head titled slightly, or put her in a sling.
Get toddler ready for bed.
Honestly, I would recommend putting on an audio book or similar afterwards (or even as the toddler falls asleep).

I am sorry, I do agree your DH should have stayed home, hopefully he won't be out all night.

Please keep reaching out for support.

@SarahAndQuack a mother of 4 who has also had PND so I k ow what it's like.
I'm suggesting she takes little steps, what is wrong with that.
Get the toddler ready for bed and then she only has the baby to deal with, rather than 2 children.
I haven't said anything wrong there.

Oh my, he shouldn't have gone, but can we help you get through just now?

I remember this, it's so hard (DH was a Chef at the time so worked constantly) I remember lots of evenings with me, the toddler and the baby all crying.

Where are you up to now, is anybody in bed yet?

I would have gone to a party after having my baby if it was only 5 weeks old. And so would my husband. Silly generalisation. Realistically. It's a few hours. Make it nice. Watch. Film on TV run a bath. He will be home soon

Some of these replies are by people who have never suffered from pnd with a colicky newborn and a toddler. I've been there and it feels impossible, like I remember thinking that I might actually die. There's no way my husband would have left me for a party, but he did often have to work late and I remember feeling desperate. Just remember though that it won't last forever, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. As soon as my dc started sleeping and stopped crying every day the pnd lifted for me and they were a joy. Having children can really test a relationship and I'd be making sure that your partner knows how much you need his support right now.

I apologise - I didn't read your post that way, and I think it is because it reads as if you are belittling her and implying it is no big deal. It might be for her - even if she doesn't have four children. It's not a competition.

@toomuchlaundry

I don't see that that is comparable. It's not covid that was picked up yesterday. It's pnd that has been going on for what seems like ages.

If the Op had been properly supported when diagnosed "recently". She's had "breakdown after breakdown". So where was the HV in all of this? The GP? Who did the Edinburgh test? Who diagnosed her. And when.

And what support was she offered? Self help, cbt, AD's. Because if she had been properly supported, she probably wouldn't be feeling quite as bad as she does now, and then her husband would be able to go out to his works Christmas do, wouldn't he?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Actually I disagree.

The 3 main types of treatment are:
• self-help – for example, talking to your family and friends about your feelings, making time to do things you enjoy, getting as much sleep as you can at night, exercising regularlyy, and eating a healthy diet.

It doesn't need to be Dh. Always. He can't be there 24/7. Presumably has to work. Can op talk to her mum/friend/sister. Book a counsellor.

And GP or whoever did diagnose her should have encouraged her to make sure she herself was eating, exercising, sleeping as much as possible.

Some of this reminds me of when the newly-trained psychiatrist in the Mother & Baby Unit tried to get us all doing mindfulness 😂.

Let's do the firefighting first, eh?

I really feel for you, OP. I would not have been able to cope with that at your stage, even without the toddler. I do think it's very hard for others without this experience to truly empathize.

Your husband should be listening to you, though. Do what it takes to get through tonight and have a proper chat tomorrow. 💐

I know you disagree. I think you're wrong. The first assistance should be the father of the child. What with it being his children and all.

@Oblomov22 I usually try not to involve myself with individuals, but I really do think you've made your point now.

If OP was at home with a broken leg, or recovering after a stroke/heart attack while looking after a baby and a toddler,after begging her husband for help etc. would people still say he deserves a break,itself only one night, maybe he couldn't say no?

It's absolute bullshit, and he is an inconsiderate and selfish arsehole.

OP , just get through the night however you can, ring GP tomorrow to see what they can offer and ring any friends or family that either can come stay with you and help, or where you can go over to receive some support.

It's shit that you have to do that, but the focus right now needs to be your recovery. Once you are better , you can look at your relationship and decide if it's really what you want your life to be like.