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Postnatal health

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Original poster

Husband gone off to Xmas party even though I have just been diagnosed with PND and we have a 2 year old and 5 week old

103 replies

Anxiousmumlife · 07/12/2022 18:47

I have recently been diagnosed with PND. I didnt have it with my DS but my DD i do. She is 6 weeks old tomorrow and I have had breakdown after breakdown begging for help some days. But knowing all this my husband has still gone to hos worka christmas party. He has been at work all day, was home for all of 2 hours then went out again. My toddler needs to get ready for bed but my baby is screaming because she has colic and i got so worked up I ripped a chunk of my own hair out.
The fact it feels like he didnt even consider the impact it could have on my mental health has hit hard. Ive told how much ive been struggling for weeks but he only sprung the party on me 3 days ago. I just feel so much resentment. I dont know if its mean of me to just need support or I should just get on with it.

OP posts:
Nightmanagerfan · 07/12/2022 19:19

Some of these suggestions are utterly bonkers. Wine and takeaway? Book a spa day?! Its survival mode in this situation and you need all the help you can get.

I think he's very selfish. I'd be having words

TwilightSkies · 07/12/2022 19:21

He’s off to a party!

NameChange329435 · 07/12/2022 19:22

America12 · 07/12/2022 19:16

Husband ? Father of kids ?

Show quote history

He'd hardly going to help just now when he's at his works Christmas party.

jumperoozles · 07/12/2022 19:23

No one should be going to a party when they have a 5 week old. What a shit husband 😩

miltonj · 07/12/2022 19:26

Yeah his priorities should be at home with his wife when he has a newborn, regardless of PND.

CarefreeMe · 07/12/2022 19:26

I think you are being unfair to him about going to the works do.

It is very healthy band important to make time for yourself and socialise after having a baby and it sounds like this work do is just a one off.

However, the works do is irrelevant - you say you’ve been begging for his help?
Why are you begging for his help when he’s the father?

The works do wouldn’t bother me but him being a shit dad the rest of the time absolutely would.

CoraggioCara · 07/12/2022 19:27

All of this 'some places the Xmas party is compulsory ' is utterly missing the point.

Admitting that is the case, a decent man would be visibly upset to leave the mother of his children in these circs. Would go as late as possible. Arrange for a friend to come over and provide support. Call during the evening. Come home as early as possible.

Spend time working out what he could possibly do to support his partner. And listen to her.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/12/2022 19:27

No one should be going to a party when they have a 5 week old. What a shit husband 😩

This would be fine for some people though, you can’t generalise.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/12/2022 19:30

It depends on why he went.

If I didn’t go to the Christmas party it would be seen as really unappreciative of our staff, and it also means I’d miss out on picking up on how people are and what problems might be brewing.

So if it’s like that for him, then it’s just part of his job and has to be done.

It would be better if someone could stay with you next time.

Original poster
Anxiousmumlife · 07/12/2022 19:35

The work party wasnt compulsory. He is not in a mangerial role, it is just his shift. 5 people havent gone because they too have young children. His priorities are clearly different. Party was a better offer.

OP posts:
theedgeofalorry · 07/12/2022 19:44

it’s just one evening for his work Christmas party to be fair, he’s not pissed off on his own to the pub

Luncheonmeatsandwich · 07/12/2022 19:45

Some of the people on this post have clearly not had PND. I had it with my first. If my DH had stayed out in the evening it could have tipped me over the edge. So different to my post natal experience second time round which was normal baby blues/tiredness.

He should have stayed with you.

Luncheonmeatsandwich · 07/12/2022 19:46

Ps op you will get through this. We are here for you

CarefreeMe · 07/12/2022 19:46

Forget about the party for a minute.

What is he like day to day?

You said he came home for 2 hours.
What did he do in that time?

Did he take the kids so you could have a shower and sit down and eat a meal or did he do his own thing and not give you a break?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2022 19:50

theedgeofalorry · 07/12/2022 19:44

it’s just one evening for his work Christmas party to be fair, he’s not pissed off on his own to the pub

She is so unwell she has pulled her own hair out.

The handmaiden bullshit on here astounds me at times. That a party is more important than assisting your incredibly ill partner with your own children.

PND is an actual health issue.

iloveruby · 07/12/2022 19:52

I can't believe some of these comments which seem to have either willfully or ignorantly ignored the context that the OP has PND and clearly needs support from her husband. This isn't a case of making sure there is equal free time but keeping the OP and the children safe.

I appreciate that in some organisations attendance at certain levels may be expected but if that was the case the husband would have known about it more than 3 days ago AND organised appropriate support to be in place.

OP - you are being completely reasonable to expect support with your new baby and toddler, even if you didn't have PND. The fact you do, and your husband has still gone out is disgusting.

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/12/2022 19:54

I hope you are getting the support you need from the NHS OP. How awful for you.

Tabitha888 · 07/12/2022 19:58

I understand how you feel, pnd isn't fun. He may of needed the break but you won't be able to see that now. Colic is hell, I'm art 7 months now and it gets better I promise. Turned out my baby had cmpa. It's so hard but you'll get through this awful time xxx

frazzledazzled56 · 07/12/2022 20:00

I was like this when my husband was going out and leaving me home with our child, he only went out to a couple of work do's but it was more than I ever got and I absolutely resented him for it. It took so much work to kick my PND's ass but once I started to get better, I realised that he deserved a break and I got my breaks too (because once I started feeling better I actually made plans and became sociable again).
For now, is there anybody like a family member that you can call to help you out with the little ones? If not and you don't want to call your husband home, just sit up with your toddler watching a movie or two until they doze off.
You are doing amazing!

gluteustothemaximus · 07/12/2022 20:04

Toddler. 6 week old with Colic. AND....PND.

But the poor man needs to let down his hair and unwind at this 'one off event'.

I wouldn't message him to come back. Anyone who can't read the room like that, well, begging isn't something I would do. He should just be there sharing the load.

Do you have anyone IRL who you can call or who can help you tonight? GP appt asap especially if you are hurting yourself Flowers

Bryterlayter1 · 07/12/2022 20:05

Flippin' hell. You DH is being a poor partner. He should not have gone, you need support. Please reach out to your hv or Gp get some support in place. Sending you a virtual hug OP, this situation is awful.

gluteustothemaximus · 07/12/2022 20:05

This isn't a case of making sure there is equal free time but keeping the OP and the children safe.

THIS

EarlofShrewsbury · 07/12/2022 20:09

Did you actually ask him not to go out?

Oblomov22 · 07/12/2022 20:09

The 3 main types of treatment are:
• self-help – for example, talking to your family and friends about your feelings, making time to do things you enjoy, getting as much sleep as you can at night, exercising regularlyy, and eating a healthy diett
• psychological therapy – a GP may be able to recommend a self-help course or refer you for a course of therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT))_
• antidepressantss_ – these may be recommended if your depression is more severe or other treatments have not helped; your doctor can prescribe a medicine that's safe to take while breastfeeding

What was offered to OP? AD's, CBT, self help suggestions?

I don't agree that a husband shouldn't be allowed to go out.
Or any husband with young children, as stated by a pp.
I disagree strongly with both of those.

roarfeckingroarr · 07/12/2022 20:09

First of all, I'm sorry you're suffering OP. It sounds very hard.

You feel like it's hard to judge his actions today without knowing whether or not he is a good partner otherwise. If he is, I think it's understand he doesn't want to miss a one off Christmas work do. Many people really look forward to them, they can be great for building relationships with colleagues and there are expectations around attending. If he's a good partner otherwise and this is a rare night out, I think you're being a bit hard.

If this is standard thoughtlessness from him, then yes he's a shit and YANBU.