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As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

Postnatal health

Pnd or just not coping with my children?

57 replies

mamaandthegirls · 18/10/2018 15:32

I had my newborn 3 weeks ago and have a 2 year old as well.
My partner has now gone back to work after having some paternity leave and I hate every second of being alone with the children.
DD1 is at nursery 3 days a week which is great for me when I need some time to myself and she absolutely loves it anyway. But lately she has been craving my attention even more now her new sibling is here and taking the majority of my time. I feel this immense guilt that I don't get to spend time with her or even enjoy a cuddle with her on the sette before DD2 is screaming.
As for DD2 I don't know if it's just usual newborn behaviour (never noticed it with DD1) or she is just a difficult baby but she screams and cries constantly. She wants to be held every second of every day and I can't get a thing done in the house.
It feels like no matter what we do, she is never happy and it's putting an incredible strain on my relationship with my partner. We are both exhausted and I am crying every day. The smallest thing DD1 does like spill a drink on the carpet I just can't deal with it and shout and break down into tears.
My family I do not have an awful lot to deal with but my parents family have been doing nursery runs for me since I had DD2 which have been an incredible help to us.
I'm feeling so low and although I can't wait for my partner to get home from work every evening, I know that later on in the evening an argument will break out about DD2 who is difficult to settle for whatever reason.
My self esteem feels so low as well which my partner just hasn't helped after an argument over a small thing broke out last week when he had pulled back the curtains but had done it so quickly they looked so silly, so I made a comment that "the curtains look like S" and he replied by saying "well you look like S!" Which he probably didn't mean but it winded me and has upset me ever since.
I just feel like crap, and although I am trying to enjoy motherhood with two children, I'm finding it increasingly hard each day and just wish the crying and screaming would stop.
I just don't know what to do, I was given these children and I don't even feel like I'm being their happy, confident mum like I used to be.

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Aries456 · 21/10/2018 04:31

I really sympathise with you OP. I have a 6 week old, 20 month and 4.5 year old and I feel very similar. My DD3 won't be put down either - I am lucky to get 20 mins with her in a boucer/ bed whilst I frantically shower, dress my DD2 and attempt to get her some food. I can't wait for my husband to get home and am a wreck if he isn't back on time. My DD2 has also started waking 2-3 times a night and the other day I had to keep my 4 year old home from school as he was just so tired after 2 x 4.30am wake ups in a row.
I am crying daily atm and can feel myself slipping into PND which i had with DS1. But that did pass and this will too. I just keep trying to tell myself this is the hardest it will be and it WILL get better. It will. It is a slow process but try to take each day - or even each morning and each afternoon - as they come. I struggle to get out of the house as DD3 screams and cries if she is put in her buggy or sling but when I do get out I do feel a bit better. Also having a friend come around helps, as it just helps time move along a bit!!
Try to explain to your partner how low you are feeling and that, although he is also tired too, you have your hormones to deal with as well and you are dealing with the baby all day...it is hard to be cried at for 20 hours a day!! Try not to make it sound accusatory or competing for tiredness but that you really, really need some help and support right now. Also, try to get 1 hour away from both children in the evening- once 1 is in bed ask your partner to look after the baby whilst you have a bath or lay on your bed, even for 30 mins.

Good luck - We'll both get through this x

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mamaandthegirls · 21/10/2018 11:40

@Aries456 thank you, it feels good in a strange sort of way to know that I am not alone.
I really hope you can get through this as I do. I think we need to remind ourselves that we are trying our best and that's all we can do.

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LeticiaDejeuner · 21/10/2018 11:51

Big love to both of you.

It's an unbelievably tough stage. And I know you've heard this a lot, but it really DOES get a lot better. Mine are 6, 4 and nearly 2 now and it's basically fine. But the year when I just had a 2 year old and a baby was one of the toughest in my life ever. Once the baby reached 1 year (and the 2 year old was a 3 year old) I suddenly realised I wasn't struggling anymore. I know that feels like a loooong way off for you guys just now, but it'll come. And in the meantime, cut every corner you can, don't stop loving yourself and hang out with RL mums that you like as much as you can.

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Aries456 · 21/10/2018 20:57

Thanks @Leticiadejeuner. Yes, happy,co company is good... even if you don't feel like it

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Aries456 · 21/10/2018 21:00

And @mamaandthegirls when the babies reach 3 months I bet things will be a whole easier. And at a year we will be looking back wishing we had made the most of these early days! Always nice to know you are not alone. Keep us updated how your next week goes, here to hear your moans and your triumphs (I found the perfect sleepy music app the other night ,- major high for me!!)
Fingers crossed for tonight x

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mamaandthegirls · 21/10/2018 22:18

@LeticiaDejeuner thanks for the lovely reply, you're right company is great especially with 'non judgy mums!' I'm actually meeting up with an old school friend on Tuesday for a coffee, she doesn't have any children but is great with DD1!

@Aries456 you're most likely right! I am trying to enjoy it for what it is, but most days I just can't! It seems to be a struggle.
I definitely will be writing back with how my week goes, hope you do the same Smile
Also, horray for the music app! That's great you've found something that works for you!Flowers
DP took both DD's out this afternoon to the park so DD1 could run off some energy while DD2 was rocked to sleep in the pushchair, then took DD1 for a hot chocolate at costa coffee which I know she enjoyed by the state of her topGrin I planned to do loads of housework while they were gone but only managed to scrub the bathroom sink and then went for a napGrin Made me actually excited for when they got home because I hadn't seen them in a few hours. It was nice to have a little "me time."
Really dreading this week with DD1 on half term and DP at work until 7pmSad But trying to plan as much as I can to keep busy and keep DD1 occupied. Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it!Blush

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Aries456 · 22/10/2018 01:08

@mamaandthegirls glad you got s bit if down time and a nap! Well done for the sink, I wouldn't have bothered!! Ha ha. Glad you found a moment to iss them, amazing what a bit of clear space does for your mood.
Currently downstairs having being trying to get baby back to sleep for over an hour.... felt irrationally angry about an hour ago as she isn't usually too colicky at night for me but was tonight. Felt it was unfair and somehow must be my husband's fault (I think I just knew I couldn't direct the anger at the baby!!) Still, she seems to have gone off now so time to creep into bed...
hope the coffee goes well on Tuesday- nice to have just another adult to help with the little ones if they don't have kids of their own. We have half term off together so looking forward to a couple of weeks of help - hoping by the time it is done things will be a bit easier. Good luck tonight and this week x

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blackcat86 · 22/10/2018 01:55

You're not alone OP. I have a 10 week old and some days are a real struggle. I find the days when we're just at home the worst. If we have plans and get out it all seems better because things like naps and feeding become more as and when without me having time to overly focus on them. I also found any help you can get you should take especially if your in laws are good and helping anyway. Would they take baby for a walk for an hour? My DH has made it clear that he's not massively interested in helping but having an hour to myself whilst DD is with either set of doting grandparents really helps. I've also found that it's highlighted issues with DH which is difficult at a time when I feel vulnerable. Please also seek help from your gp if you need to.

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mamaandthegirls · 24/10/2018 11:37

@Aries456 how are you doing? DD2 has been a nightmare once again when trying to settle her at night and still hates being put down for more then 5 minutes.
Really struggling today with having them both indoors. Yesterday, we went for a coffee with an old school friend and she kept DD1 occupied with a sticker book while I fed DD2. It was a great help. Just feels like they're both like the spawn on Satan today!! I can't seem to get 5 minutes to clean the kitchen or hoover. Think I'm going to need to take a trip to the GP this week, my mood feels really effected.

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Aries456 · 24/10/2018 12:45

Hey @mama. Well I had a complete teary break down the other day in front of the in laws as my husband spent 3 hours outside doing DIY with FIL whilst I tried to look after the children and talk to MIL. When he said he was going to carry on for the afternoon I had enough! Told them all to go out for lunch and give me some space. So I had a cry, talked to a girlfriend and went for a walk. Also arranged to come out today WITHOUT children for a whole 3 hours!!! Saw my HV today and told her I had been down. She said to talk to my GP next week and they will put support in place if I need it. As shit as it is to go out with crying children, I do find mood improves a bit. We went out yesterday and she cried when she first went in sling but I persisted and she fell asleep for an hour and half (I couldn't stop walking or sit down all that time but still...!!). Sorry today is rough - mid week is hard when OH is at work. Can you make coffee with your friend a weekly thing? The girlfriend I am seeing today is the only thing that has been keeping me sane as I see her once a week... hope you get out to enjoy the sunshine today - and as irritating as it is to see the house a state, leave it. Not worth waking up your baby to do it. If you can't get out can you stick on ceebeebies whilst you let baby sleep on you on the sofa and drink tea? Xx

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Aries456 · 24/10/2018 12:47

@blackcat - how are you doing today? Sorry OH isn't particularly supportive... I just don't think they get what we are going through. Hormones + no sleep + baby screaming at you most of the day... not easy! It will get better though - 12 weeks Mark is in sight for you! Xx

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mamaandthegirls · 24/10/2018 23:11

@Aries456 how did time without the children go? We all need that sometimes and it's amazing when it happens!
I think a trip to your gp next week would be a good idea, it's always good to have some support in place when you need it. Also, don't feel bad about getting upset with your DH and children, we are only human and it sounds like we are in such similar situations that in a strange kind of way, it is nice that I can relate to someone and someone that also gets my daily struggles! Be kind to yourself.

Today just went from bad to worse for me, DD2 really was so clingy today that I got nothing done whatsoever!
I lost the plot and screamed at DD1 for smearing crushed crayons into the carpet and refusing nap time this afternoon. I just lost my rag, and once I'd screamed and shouted she cried and so did I! It was just awful and now I feel absolutely guilt ridden. She hardly gets much of my attention at the moment as it is due to a nearly 4 week old taking a huge chunk out of my time. I'm going to try and make it up to her tomorrow by offering if she'd like to do some baking with me.
DP also got a huge message from me going on a complete rant about how I wasn't coping with them both today, the poor thing was at work and got bombarded with "feel sorry for me messages."Blush

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Aries456 · 25/10/2018 01:20

Sorry your day was rubbish. It is horrible when you lose your temper with one if the children... you feel so guilty after but it is understandable when you are so tired and frustrated. I imagine her nap time is the only time you vaguely get to relax (although if like me, the baby decides to be awake and difficult for toddler's nap hour!) So can totally sympathise with you being desperate for her to have one. Easy for a situation to become quite fraught. Baking tomorrow sounds lovely, but don't best yourself up if you don't get there.
Trip out was great - time went so quickly (for once!) But I felt totally exhausted when I got back. Still, a bit if space meant I was really happy to see the family- even if all 3 kiddies started crying for different reasons within 10 mins of seeing them!
Tbh it is good for you to let DH know how much you are struggling, although he can't do much from work, hopefully he will see how much you need a break and can be prepared to take over baby when he gets home so you can do bath and bed for your toddler and get a bit if quality time to remember all the good things about being a mummy. Would he be able to take them for a couple of hours on Sunday so you could pop into town and do some christmas window shopping? Or at very least take them out so you can have a lie in/ back to bed? I've asked DH if he would mind looking after DD2 and 3 tomorrow so I can take DS1 to the cinema as I also feel I don't get any time with him anymore - plus I reckon I could fall asleep I one of those big chairs if I wanted to!!
Hoping you are getting some sort of sleep tonight - remember, made it through another day and tomorrow will be better :) call your HV to arrange her to come over if needs be, sometimes just talking it through helps x

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Aries456 · 30/10/2018 02:23

@mamaandthegirls, how are you getting on? X

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mamaandthegirls · 30/10/2018 05:48

Hi @Aries456 I meant to come on here yesterday and ask how things were for you. I'm not too bad, my weekend was pretty stress free. DP had some work friends come over for Sunday lunch on Sunday. It was nice to socialise with other adults.
DD1 has gone back to nursery now which is great, but she isn't back in until Thursday now so no doubt today and tomorrow It'll be hard work trying to find something for her to doSad

How are you getting on?Flowers

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Aries456 · 30/10/2018 06:17

@mamaandthegirls had a nice few days too as DH has been off on half term. Went away for a couple of days and a family celebration... was all lovely but I was so tired I didn't feel enthusiastic about anything. Like you said, having adult conversation was good though! Have had 3.5 hours sleep in the night... feeling quite light headed! Up with baby and DS1 and going to swap with DH once DD2 wakes up... I have been looking up cow's milk intolerance and I I think I might be on to something. Lots of the stomach symptoms including poos that look exactly like pics on the support website. Got GP today so going to push for a check to be done. It that is what it is I will kick myself for not realising earlier as DS1 suffered bad colic on formula and DD2 as violently sick when I introduced her to cow's milk so she spent extra 6 months on soy milk... also got a cranial osteopathy session booked for Wednesday so will let you know how both go!
Hope today and tomorrow to ok for you... if weather is nice and you have the energy a nice autumn walk could be good, and some Halloween craft (again if energy/ hands free from baby!) X

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mamaandthegirls · 30/10/2018 17:53

@Aries456 glad you had a nice time away! Maybe that's what you needed. Let me know how the doctors appointments go with the children. It's interesting you should say about the milk intolerance thing, as was wondering that about both my DD's. DD1 has had eczema since 3 months of age, but when she turned 1 and started on cows milk her eczema has been awful. The poor soul sometimes itches herself red raw! So have had to be careful how much milk she has. Have had to top up her calcium intake with yoghurts and cheese etc...
DD2 is 4 weeks old now and since she has been on formula it's like she's constantly straining for a poo! It makes me think, no wonder she can be such a fussy baby sometimes. Recently switched her to a comfort formula which seems to be working well for now (actually just changed a big poo she done before I sat down to reply to you! So it must be doing its jobGrin)
I do BF as well, but it doesn't seem to satisfy her like formula does, I don't think my boobs are making enough milk for her after I got lazy and switched to formula.

Today I took both of them into town as I needed to get some shopping, they were both good but DD1 was whining that she wanted sweets since it's Halloween tomorrow, the shelves are chocca with them! Home now and have just managed to sit DD1 down for her tea but it took a while as DD2 was fussing - again!!
Counting down the minutes till DP is home from work - 45 minutes to go!Wink
What are your plans for Halloween? A neighbour is taking DD1 trick or treating with her 3 kids while I stay indoors in the warm with DD2 and answer the door to other kids and give out sweeties.

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Aries456 · 03/11/2018 02:29

Hey, hope your Halloween was good and you got a bit if peace! We had a mini party as DS1 is obsessed with Halloween (for some reason)! Was great fun but tiring!
The doctor was great and agreed about The milk allergy and we have been on aptimil pepti for 3.5 days now. Atm it actually seems a bit worse... she is still crying with pain when passing wind and jerking her head about after a feed but now she is only taking 2oz during day feeds and crying if I try to get her to take more, even though she still wants to suck on the bottle...night time seems a LITTLE more settled. GP calling back on Monday to see how we are going...

BUT good news on the cranial osteopathy front... We went, I was sceptical in there as it seemed a bit like voodoo nonsense to me (although I enjoyed the quiet and calm after baby had stopped having a crying/ screaming fit in the car on the way there and after I changed a dirty nappy in there).. But it does seem to have made a difference! That afternoon she seemed a bit calmer and although not much change in her night time sleeping that night, i was able to out her down quicker after a feed the next day she slept for 2.5 hours in a stationary buggy! Since then she has managed at least 1 nap a day being put down away from me and several others for 20-30mins a go. I could NEVER do that before...so may be something in it?!

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Aries456 · 05/11/2018 08:24

Husband is back to work today so 1st day just me and all 3 children in 2 weeks. That plus a week of terrible sleep mean I feel entirely unequal to the task...

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mamaandthegirls · 05/11/2018 09:08

Hi @Aries456 Glad to hear you've got a diagnosis now! Sounds like you had fun for your DS1 Halloween party too!
Hope the children are good for you now DH is back at work. What are your plans for this week?
Really hope you get some sleep soon, I know it's exhausting looking after 3 little ones, but I know you can do because you're super mum!Flowers

DD2 has slept through twice last week but last night was a whole kettle of fish! Knew it wouldn't lastGrin
So after minimal sleep last night I got into a shouting match with DD1 about not putting shoes & socks this morning! Because of that we were late for nursery this morning. Feeling guilty now I'm home because as soon as I said I'd see her later she shouted "bye bye mummy" while running to play with the water table, felt like she couldn't get away from me quick enough. Sad

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Aries456 · 05/11/2018 10:25

I am sure she doesn't even remember it now and it isbpositive she is so happy at nursery. I am just having a shit shit shit morning. Baby will not stay asleep if I leave her for a second so the other 2 have just watched tv for like 3 hours whilst I have tried to pace and rock baby to sleep over and over again. House is a state, ds1 keeps asking for not food even though he has eaten everything and I can't make lots whilst holding the baby. dd2 has been trashing the place and I have just put her to bed after she soaked herself with 3rd cup of water. Whilst dealing with that the baby woke up again. It is only 10 and I feel like I am living in a bloody nightmare. Seeing a friend this afternoon for a play date which I am sure will be nice... but is only for a couple on hours and not for ages. Plus husband has to work the whole weekend so there isn't even a break in sight. God I am just so fed up of feeling shit.

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mamaandthegirls · 05/11/2018 11:02

@Aries456 so sorry to hear your morning is a bit of a whirlwind today! It sounds like spending time with your friend this afternoon could be good for you, getting out the house can really help when your mood is low. I'm seeing a friend tomorrow (hopefully if she doesn't need to work!).
No idea where you live, but I know if we lived anywhere near each other we'd have a whale of a time on play dates just complaining about our kids Grin
Don't feel guilty for the two older ones just watch TV all morning, I find cebeebies can be a god send in this house sometimes!
Can you let your DH know how you're feeling? He maybe able to help.

I'm actually in the same boat as you this morning too. DD2 won't let me put her down for 5 mins, I just had to sprint in the shower for 3 mins just so I could at least wash myself! But the whole time I was in the shower I could hear her in her Moses basket cryingSad
Have to do shopping today too, but know she will want feeding as soon as I'm in the supermarket!!
DP is on a buisness trip until Wednesday too, it's my first night tonight with both girls on my own. Really look forward to hearing his key turn in the door at 6.30pm. I know it sounds terrible, but I'm so anxious about night times on my own for the next 2 nights.

Be kind to yourself today @aries if the children are fed, clean and watered that's a massive accomplishment in its self! So don't push yourself too hard today. Flowers

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Aries456 · 05/11/2018 11:28

Thanks @mama. Dd2 is asleep, dd3 is asleep because I am rocking her in bouncer non stop and I am watching a film with DS1. Feel pretty bad that I had a proper cry in front of him as just couldn't keep it in. He suggested we watch a film together- such a sweetheart! So I have calmed down a bit.
Sorry you are on your own for a couple of nights, can totally understand you feeling nervous (I would be!!) But I bet it goes better than expected. Is your daughter in nursery during the day tomorrow so you can chill if night is bad? Hope you are getting some time to relax today- even if it is with a baby attached!

Yeah DH is trying his best and helping out as much as he can but between me being up all night with baby and him dealing with our 20 month old waking around 4am every night for no particular reason and then son up at 5.30...we are knackered! Keep thinking it will get better within a few weeks but when an hour can feel a long time 5 weeks seems very far away!

Ps I am in the Basingstoke/ Reading area!

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mamaandthegirls · 05/11/2018 19:31

@Aries456 how did the rest of your day go? Did you manage to get out and meet your friend?
Don't feel silly for having a cry, we all have our limits. It doesn't mean you're a bad mummy or weak, you just reached that point of feeling overwhelmed.

DD1 isn't at nursery tomorrow and my friend cancelled on us tomorrow as she has to work. We've got my cousin coming around in the morning instead for a coffee and a catch up so that'll be nice.
Picked DD1 up from nursery and within 2 mins of being in the pushchair she was fast asleep. Knew she'd had a good day as her large bag of dirty nursery clothes were soaking with water and covered in paint Grin
DD2 wanted to be fed while we waited for the bus home and people were looking at me like I was some sort of alien while she screamed her head off and the pushchair was loaded up several, full shopping bags! I was glad to get home by that point.
DD1 is in bed now, went down fine so I'm stuck with DD2 who is refusing to be put down so I can make something to eat! Have explored every avenue, bouncer, pacing the room back and forth with her, even put some music on the tv to see if she will settle - but nothing.
Wish DP was home tonight, hope the girls are easy on me tonight! & hope your littles are easy on you too.

It's great DH is understanding of how hard it is for you, it sounds like you guys make a great team.

P.S it's a shame you aren't closer, I'm in beach central! (CornwallWink)

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Aries456 · 06/11/2018 08:18

Hey, yeah I got out which really helped things. Baby stayed asleep for 3 hours in the sling which was amazing - but also meant i had to spend 3 hours walking around the park!!

I didn't hear back from the dr about switching to soy milk so we just went for it... she downed 4oz right away, another 4oz in the night and 4o, in 2 sittings this morning. Still wriggling around like mad all night and woke herself at 4am parping so I hardly slept after 1am (DH took first shift for me :) ) and there has been some crying this morning but I am feeling confident this might be the way forward seeing as it is dairy free and she is obviously happy to drink it! Time will tell...

How was your first night on your own?! X

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