Fab Feb 2009 - 9 months in, 9 months out, now they're sitting, standing and crawling about

[TheHAUNTEDHouseofMirth]

Here we go again!

mos I hope your dd feels a bit better today and that you get some rest. Hooray for nannies

I don't even know what to do. Should I stick it out with him? Do I love him? Does he love me? (I don't think so )
Should I get the boys and just go? Go where? How? Is it serious enough to split up over? But then nothing's going to change. Would he make an effort to see the boys if we did split or would he come to our new house and just sit there all day like he does now?
Where would me and the boys live? How would we survive?

I can't even talk to dp about any of this because he says stupid stuff like "you know what you want to do already, it won't matter what I say" and then he won't talk about it, so what do I do?

I can see the anger is bubbling up again SM. You really need to tell him how you feel (calmly of course) in the hope of avoiding the situation you were in last year when every post was about him being a FW
I know how you feel though, it does seem that we never get a proper break and when your tired (as we all are) it seems 100% worse. DH is the same ref toys. Like you say, maybe we should just get a fuck off big box and put the kids and toys it so its self-contained

I think what doesn't help is that they must all have a lot more than we had when we were small. I'm going to start trying to clear away some of the shite/toys and maybe do a rota and change them over every few weeks.

Nipped down to the shop for a few bits ealier and a quick coffee in cinnabon (medicinal) and when I got back DD had had an accident. She has really bad diarreah (sp?) and looking at the antibiotics she has been given that is the first side affect listed. Med centre have said to stop immediately and they will look at giving her something else.
Apparently she was very distressed as she had the accident just outside the bathroom and it was all over her clothes, floor etc. She has been 'dry' since last May so was obviously very upset at this accident although I've tried explaining its not her fault it was the medicine.

mos I've had that reaction to ab's too, as has ds1. The doc told us to stop them and we were put on something else.
Don't remember which ones though.
That must have been awful for your dd. I know how upset Jacob gets when he has an accident. Especially a poo one.

Oh MOS - your poor DD. DS1 had the runs earlier this month due to D&V bug and he was equally distressed. I actually put him back in nappies during the day as it was so bad and explained his tummy was poorly so the nappies were just a precaution as he got even more distressed by big pooey accidents all over his clothes. Hope her new meds sort her out. Antibiotics can cause runs especially on empty stomaches - I note you said DD didnt eat much yesterday - could you maybe try giving her a biscuit or banana with her medicine (will make it less likely she gets an upset tummy on meds) each time you give her a dose? Was what my GP parents did with me and my sister and we v rarely had tummy side-effects from meds. Hurrah for your nanny - hope you get some shut eye while she's around.

SM - sending you huge hugs. Can you get your mum and dad to take the boys for a night again, when DP is working, and have an evening and night in to yourself? Sounds like you need some quality you time - a bath, a glass of wine, an early night and some uninterrupted sleep. Your DP is abit older isnt he - it may well be like that he is like MOS' DH, set in his ways and unable to relate to how little children are and what they need as he spends so little time with them - whereas on the other hand you spend 24/7 with them and totally identify with their needs and likes. FWIW, I think your DP will get better with the boys as they get older and he can identify with the things they like more - like football, sports, cars etc. - its just he has no clue now. And I'm sure he does love you - just think about all the stuff you two have been through together - he just doesnt know how to show his love and appreciation for all you do. My FIL was abit like that - when my DH was 3 and my MIL was in hospital having had my SIL he had to look after DH for a few days. MIL said he brought DH in to see her (bear in mind this was a roasting August day) in a polo neck, bomber jacket and thick padded trousers - poor DH was sweating away like no ones' business - as he simply had no idea. And he NEVER changed a nappy on either child. But he loved his kids and was a brilliant dad to them in his own way - they never wanted for anything (and MIL and FIL were not well off, they went without so the kids could have what they needed) and as they got older he got to show his love for them by encouraging their interest in things - which I'm sure is why DH and SIL were the first members of his family ever to go to university where they did brilliantly. All v long and rambling but what I'm trying to say is that some guys arent great at the baby/small kid stuff but that doesnt mean that they wont be brilliant dads given time. Hope today is a better day for you. MOS has given you some really good advice - I hope it helps.

poor dd mos, hope she's feeling a bit better today

SM.... i know what you mean when you wonder would life actually be any tougher/differant without dp.... i sometimes feel the same, i honestly think the tiny amount of extra work would be more than offset by the decrease in stress and aggravation. dps moods and selfishness exhaust me more than 10 kids tbh. But i'm just not sure if it's bad enough that the kids would be better off without a dad (because lets face it, if he wasn't living here any interaction with them would be even more on his terms and when he feels like it )

We're not doing much for A's birthday, just a token gift as the older two will expect him to get something but he has stacks of junk already. I might invite a few of the other moms with babies his age around the day before for tea but we'll see what my mood is. The big thing will be the trip to the zoo that's a joint present for him and dd's birthdays, we're just waiting for slightly better weather to head up.

dinky Thanks. I think you're right re him being a good dad given time, it's just now he's shite!
Tulips That's true, the whole time I think about going, I pretty much think that means my kids will lose their Dad. They don't see much of him anyway and they adore him.
Maybe I just need to accept how it is.

Awwww SM {{hugs}}

Hope you're ok. Can your parents have the boys for the night - you and DP need to talk.

Are you still feeling rough? Feeling ill maybe contributing to you feeling down about all this?

morning all,
another crappy night here. I got to sleep around 11pm then DD came into bed with me at 12.30am and then tossed and turned until 5am when I gave up and went into her bed for an attempt at some sleep. 5 mins later, H woke up. Am very fragile today and of course it would be Tuesday which is my busiest day. Just done my first signing class then at lunchtime I'm doing a book sale at the nursery and then another signing class at 4pm. DD still very unwell so off nursery. She is just not eating now. she managed a few strawberries yesterday for breakfast and half a roll at lunchtime but couldn't eat any tea and kept gagging every time she tried to eat. Have phoned doctors and she has an appointment at 3pm. I hate seeing her like this. She is sleeping in my bed at the moment which I guess she needs

SM I hope you manage to sit and talk to DP in a calm environment (ie somewhere neutral with someone looking after the boys) You really do need to try to communicate as one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Back in the days when I had a life, career etc and was a divorce lawyer I remember that a lot of my clients were in the position they were in, ie separating/divorcing as they simply had lost the ability to communicate with their other half. So very important, moreso when there are young children involved. Yes, I know I've been crap at that with DH recently but we are getting there now we've talked.

Also, as LMN suggests, the fact you are feeling ill doesn't help and may add to your stress and the way you are feeling. x

mos Poor dd, really hope it's not much longer until she's back to normal.
I was going to talk to dp last night, but then I remembered that I'd just be saying the same thing I've said a thousand times and he won't listen so no point. Then I thought about writing him a letter, but last time I did that he didn't even bother to read it so that'll be a wate of time too so in the end, I just went to bed at 7:30 after I'd cleaned the kitchen and the boys were in bed.
I don't think I can even be bothered to care anymore
Infact, I don't care.

Oh MOS - sending you and DD2 lots of hugs and a plentiful supply of red bull to see you through today. Hope she starts to feel alot better soon.

SilveryMoon - sending you lots of hugs too. Hope the early night meant you got some quality sleep in before being woken by the boys. MOS speaks wise words there about you needing to talk with DP as if you dont air your feelings and grievances they do tend to fester and suddenly explode (well they do with me). Hoping things get better for you.

As a wise woman (think it was dinky) once quoted.

IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS, IT WILL PASS ....

Please feel free to cut and paste into your own posts

Oi Swampster - you out there? Was down in your neck of the woods on Sunday - Dulwich - visiting friends and v impressed at Dulwich Park. Have you/the kids tried out the bike hire shop there and would you recommend it? Heading down there in the late spring again for picnic in the park with friends and thinking of suggesting the cycle hire thing if any good.

[lurking]

Dulwich Park is lovely but just a wee bit out of the way for us. Not done the bike hire yet, waiting till DS2 knows how to pedal.

Been too damn tired to post recently. In bed by 8 pm many nights. still knackered. DS3 has a bit of a temperature and is a total clingon.

Just saw my 'back at work in an office' post from the start of this thread. I can now almost do a convincing impersonation of someone who works in an office again. But the veneer is very thin.

Nice to see you on Swampster - sending you some red bull too to help you through the day. Hope DS3 gets better soon - so many bugs, and evil teething bouts, doing the rounds at the moment...

Was thinking of chucking DS1 into the box thing at the front of the bike - or investing in a tow rope for DH to tow him along on Will let you know how it goes when we do try it out.

Not really into Red Bull - could I have a strong coffee instead?

Ok - so long as you dont diss my inferior instant coffee powder... Have a too...

Got to be freshly ground Colombian! [snob] Ta for the jammy dodger.

Nkweto, hope the move goes well.

Silverymoon, you seem to have loads of good advice on offer here, hope you and your dp can sort it out.

I had a terrible row with my dp the Sunday before last, but things have been a bit better since though the boys' sleep has been disturbed. We're working together a bit more, I think.

Swampster, nice to see you again.

I think we are having a party for C. For D whose birthday is the first week in May and has been on bank holiday weekend so far (but not this year) we've had picnics in the park, but this time we're going to book a venue and invite everyone to an indoor picnic. Invitees will be our friends, family (mine as sadly it's not really possible for dp's to come) and some baby friends. It will be in mid March because dp only found a possible place and asked them recently, and the only date in February was liable to be cancelled if Arsenal were playing at home that day.

Oh I love Dulwich Park....used to live a stone's throw away

woke up cuddling DS this morning....he can't walk into my room, so I must have gone and got him at some point

Evening all. Thanks for the supportive words.
I've been out all day (left here at 9am), but before I went, I left dp a 'make or break' letter. I basically said I hate it when we're not talking but I've reached a point where I just don't know what to say. That I find it hard to talk about my feeling because I feel that he isn't actually interested and so on. then went into the needing time away from the boys and how it's just as important for them to get away from me and be able to build a strong bond with their father etc etc etc. Then I ended it by saying I was willing to find compromises and fight for our relationship. Was he? If he wanted to work through this, he was to text me and if not, then not and we'd know what needed to happen then.
He was awake when I put the letter on the bed.
He sent me a text an hour and a half later!
We've exchganged a few messages and had a chat, obviously with the boys up we can't properly talk, but it seems that he thought (although I have said different a number of times ) that I'd want to spend all the time he has off work as a family. Of course I want the 4 of us to spend time together, but not all of it.
Plus, me sitting on the floor with the boys while they whinge and dp is on fb, I wouldn't count as us being together as a family......so we have agreed that we will actually plan weekend activites, whether it be swimming or just the paints come out, but we will all do it together at the same time. No tv, no fb (or mn I suppose) and we will enjoy each other, but at the same time, dp makes an effort to spend some time with the boys on their own.
I think I will need to constantly remind him that this is what we've agreed (I'm sure he agreed.....), but we'll see what happens.

I don't expect you all to read that, just felt good to get it all down and clear)

swampy Hope J's a bit better and his temp has come down.

On a brighter note. Jacob has been so good today! We went to Woking (bus there, train back), and he has been out of the pushchair for most of the day. put him in it on the way home because he kept tryimn to get off the train, but apart from that he's been a little angel.
He did just get a little excited having Luke chase him, he fell over and has split his lip open He's ok now though.

Sounds very good, SM. Well done.

Well done....good news x

Hi Elkiedee - nice to see you on the thread. C's birthday party sounds lovely - lucky boy.

SM - hurrah for you and DH having communicated and fingers crossed things get much better now. I thin sometimes DH's/DP's and us of course need to learn to embrace the chaos that comes with having kids - and the only way to do that is by spending plenty of time with them.

MOS - hope DD2 is much better today.

LMN - hope your little man is feeling better now. Had another rubbish night with Danny last night which I think is down to teething again or it may be down to the black eye he gave himself at the library yesterday morning