December 2007 - Not Quite Two, Already Terrible ;)

[claraquack]

Just checking that this worked....

BT all sounds promising, Good luck to you and dh.

I am still torn as to whether to stay in this area or whether to move back to kent.

Pros here:
Cheaper rent and bigger range to choose from
DD LOVES her preschool and is really looking forward to starting at the big school (good ofsted too)
Preschool know ds and are looking forward to him starting(they will take him from sept if I want).
Already have network of mum friends and go to lots of groups, dd has her dancing lessons etc.

Cons:
Don't really like the town much
Very few of mum friends are people I'd want to socialise without dc
H would probably pop in a lot to see dc
Costs a lot and is a long way to get to see my 'real' friends.

Pros of there:
Close to my friends and just as easy to travel to my family
Love the town
More multicultural
Wouldnt have to see as much of H (I realise ths is probably a con from dc pov)
Completely fresh start

Cons:
Limited choice of places to rent and more expensive
Not as 'good' schools
Would have to start again re finding groups, preschool, dance classes etc.
May be difficult to view properties as will only be able to travel at weekends

So I suppose it boils down to the known vs the unknown (this is from the girl who packed a bag and moved to france and botswana without a second thought only a couple of years ago )

And to here being better for dc and there for me...

Can someone just make my mind up for me??

(oh and in case you are wondering he found the other thread...)

clairey fwiw, if life is going to get challenging with/without h, it sounds to me like you're going to need to be somewhere you feel comfortable and confident. i reckon that wherever is good for you will become good for dc too. if you're going to be going it alone, i wouldn't underestimate how much having your 'real' friends around will help, although i guess you never know how 'real' your current dc-based friends would become when the chips were down.

is there a sense in which your current home-town is h's whereas your old one is yours?

Clairey, I agree with Dundee that you need to be somewhere you are comfortable and confident and where you have a good support network around you. How practical is it for you to move? Would you have help? How much trouble is H likely to cause? My gut reaction would be to go to family. How are you anyway? I'm guessing H was not too pleased at the thread.

BT sounds like that could be a perfect job for your DH and could solve a lot of your recent worries too?! Fingers crossed he gets it!

I am a bit worried about DD, I saw a thing the other day (in an email or something) about keeping an eye on the red-eye in your LO's photos as it can mean something wrong if one comes up white or paler (one of the things was a type of eye cancer). This weekend I used my old camera (with no red-eye reduction) and noticed that DD had one much paler/yellowy red-eye. I have looked through older photos (as far back as January) taken with the same camera and it has come up like this on quite a few. I have doctor's appointment on Thursday morning but it is not with a doctor I know so I am hoping they are nice and approachable. I think DH thinks I am being a bit silly to worry.

clairey - I agree with dundee and beckle - from your list it sounds like you would be better off moving back to Kent. It is not that far so H will still be able to see the DC regularly. You will need lots of support making this huge change in all your lives and your oldest friends and family are surely the best people to provide this? What is your gut instinct?

Can't believe he found the thread - he must have been really trawling through. How are things now?

beckle - poor you. I have never heard of the red eye thing - are you sure it is reliable information? I'm sure you are doing the right thing in seeing the doctor just to make sure but I really wouldn't worry. Good luck for Thursday

BT - great news - how exciting! Sheffield is a great city - hope it all works out

Clairey - poor you, that is a really really tough decision for you to make. I also can't believe he found the the thread - why was he even looking? Does this mean he may be reading this too?

I think only you can make the final decision about where you live, but I will give you my honest opinion and sorry if it isn't what you want to hear. I realise moving near to close friends may seem like the most comforting option for you, but is it really going to be the easiest one for you, for your dc's and for the future relationship between them and your H (assuming there is going to be one). I know it might seem like you will get the support from the friends in Kent, but it may be that they all have things going on in their own lives. Sometimes things always seem better elsewhere, only to get there and realise that actually the people back where you came from are the ones who you feel closest to - the ones who have been through childbirth with you, through the early years, through the first days at playgroup and who will be going through the first days of school with you. Other friends might be in a copletely different place from you, whereas the ones you have now will know the sort of thing you are going through (with regards to the dc's), and will be able to share the hardships and happiness of small children.

Also consider all the too-ing and fro-ing if you do want your H to see the dc's regularly. Kent to Somerset is a good three hour drive - can you imagine doing that every weekend or every other weekend or whatever? And then having the dc that far away from you if they stay with him?

I can tell you from experience that children DO adapt to new schools, friends etc, but it is quite a hard time for all involved and maybe if you and H are going to seperate leaving some of their routines in place at the start would be best for them.

This doesn't mean staying in the area would necessarily have to be for the long-term, especially as you say you don't particularly like the town. But would it be easier to stay there for a while until things are a little more settled? Can your H not move out and find somewhere else to live, and leave you in the house you are in? That would also give you a bit more time to look around for schools, preschools etc in Kent if you do decide you would rather be there.

I just wanted to give you another point of view. Have you got anyone in RL (mum, sister etc) who you could discuss this with? You are going to need their support anyway, so probably best to get them on board with whatever decision you make.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Keep talking to us. When I think back on the last couple of years and all the ups and downs of my life, it is amazing to think that the only constant (bar dh and the dd's) in my life has been you lot!! x

I am sure the information is reliable Skid as I have been using evil google, fortunately there are many other reasons why an eye might shine white or yellowy but all information says best to check it out in case it is one of the more serious reasons.

OH no Clairey

Maybe a fresh start would be good? Plus in the circumstances, you will need your family and friends close by. Can anyone there help you find somewhere affordable to live?

Beckle - you are not being silly, even if it does turn out to be nothing, it is always better to get these things checked out,for your peace of mind if nothing else!

Dh will be seeing the recruiter on Wednesday, fingers crossed will get a date for interview with the company!

x-posts Clara - great post, especially the last bit

That's what DH said BT.

Will be keeping my fingers crossed for your DH on Wednesday!

Clairey I think Clara makes some very good points. I hadn't thought of the prospect of you potentially having to leave the DC's with him and I'm not sure you'd be totally comfortable with that. Did his finding the thread cause a lot of problems? It can't have been easy reading for him given the comments on there about him and his behaviour.

BT you must be so pleased to have some good news and perhaps the job situation might improve for you too in a different location.

Beckle that does sound scarey but how reliable were the websites you looked at? I work with medical information and there are some very unreliable websites out there that look kosher until you investigate further. Still you're doing the right thing getting it checked out with a RL professional. Good luck - hope it's nothing serious.

gg that's a tough one, clairey. I would think long and hard. Let things settle down first, and if you still think it's a good idea in a few months, then do it. My instinct says go back to your family, the people who you know will be there for you, but only you can make that call.

suey - congrats! I knew about Arcadie and Skid but you're not 12 wks yet are you? when are your due dates skid and arcadie? I've completely forgotten!

We're all doing ok, started weaning - completely no idea how old Bear is now think its around 20 wks but am fed up with night waking, he slept through last night probably a one off! Enjoying family life but already stressing a little about having to go back to work and juggling everything, I'd also like to have another dc but dh says no so trying to make big decisions without thinking about the what if in the back of my mind!
Toby is doing ok, we've started potty training now, got being at home sorted but not braved going out with pants just yet. He's more than happy to go to potty unprompted at home as long as can see potty but I think without it in sight at playgroup we may struggle! at least I'm only washing 1 of his nappies a day and all the poo is on the potty.
ds1 is loving pre school and making me laugh (whilst me trying to keep a serious face) on a daily basis, todays gem was me: Oliver why did it take me asking you 5 times before you tidied up? why didn't you just do it? Ollie: 'cause mummy I was so busy being naughty that I needed to finish doing that first before I could start tidying

BT - sorry to hear work is rubbish, when is dh's interview?

clairey - I have a feeling I missed something huge - did you and dh split up??? sorry if I got that wrong

hi beckle too - its never silly to worry, best to get it ruled out, hope docs goes ok on Thurs

clairey I really feel for you
Unfortunately I'm probably not the most unbiased person in the world right now as ex-H is being a callous arse right now and is forcing me to make a decision as to whether DD continues to have some sort of contact with him, but only entirely on his own terms (e.g. he says he will "generously" offer to pay for her to fly to the UK to visit him but only when he says and for how long he says, i.e. rather than once per year possibly twice, he will pay me NZ$2,000 p.a. in compensation for the costs he would have borne if she had continued to spend every second week with him - where the Govt formula specifies $15,000 for someone on his income, etc etc). If I refuse to agree to his terms and sign a "voluntary agreement" then to quote him "he's done" with regard to his relationship with her!!
Quite honestly after going a couple of rounds of emails (he refuses to actually meet with me) I've got to the point where I'm no longer convinced that its in her best interests to do everything I can to maintain her relationship with him. There is no winning position in this one!
Sorry for the rant, I've tried not to post too much on here about this as its very dreary stuff for you to all have to read.

Anyway, happy birthday to me!! My (whispers) 40th today!! Have been out for nice dinner with my folks and just come back from a fun weekend away with the girls.

buzzy [hands round plates and cups and lots & lots of cake] Happy Birthday! sounds like dh being deeply irritating, and it must be very hard having to balance everybody's interests when you're the only adult in the situation! [offers more cake] surely the whole meaning of voluntary is non-compulsory??? Must be so difficult to keep it all in perspective and not just slam the metaphorical door in his face and never talk to him again! Only hope that DH and I never split up cos I would be RUBBISH at sorting out the aftermath... there'd be limbs chopped off everywhere, which would make a right mess on the carpet .

Thanks for your good wishes guys, I am hopefull that all is well but I just want to hear that from a professional. I am fairly sure the websites were reliable SQ, there were quite a few with information about it. DH said he heard something on the radio about it the other day too and although the differences in the photos are not a diagnosis, they can be an indicator so best to check it out.

Insy, your DS1 sounds very cute but very cheeky! Well done on the potty training for DS2 too, I am avoiding waiting until spring before starting DD although she has a fascination with the toilet and other people using it so I feel she may take to it fairly well. I can't believe Bear is 20 weeks already! You do sound totally rushed off your feet though, I know how that one feels, don't think I've caught up from DD being born yet! Mind you, DH keeps making noises about a 4th and although I was initially against it, it has been in my thoughts, I dread to think how much spare time I'd have though!

Buzzy at your ExH! I think it is important that DD's relationship with him is maintained as far as possible but there is only so much you can do without his co-operation. I don't know what to say really. Have you spoken to DD yet about his moving away? Happy Birthday by the way, hope you had a fab day!

oh buzzy!
Sounds like he is trying to please his partner tbh. Even if you do decide to cut the cord, try not to feel guilty. It won't be the end of their relationship, unless he really wants it to be, and if that's the case it would have happened anyway.

I went to see a shrink today as i had a few horrible thoughts after going to see my poor dad. These are now under control, but she is referring me for some CBT and has put me on a low dose of ADs to be preventative. I have an awful lot on my plate at the mo, so I'm happy to be proactive.

Suey

Very pleased that you are being so proactive though

Oh crumbs everyone seems to be going through a tough time at the moment (collective un-MNy group hug).

Suey - hopefully the AD's will do their job and a bit of CBT can't harm either. I hope you feel better soon.

Buzzy - that sounds really tough for you. It must be so tempting to tell your exH to f off but I guess you have to think about your dd and her relationship with him. But how awful of him to basically control things like this. He doesn't sound very caring. I hope you work something out. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY by the way. Don't worry about turning 40, remember, it is the new 30.

Beckle - good luck with the dr's appointment, I agree it is always worth checking these things out. I'm sure she will be fine though.

Insy - potty training already? And on top of everything else? How DO you manage? I am struggling to cope with two and am putting off potty training as long as possible.

Suey2 - poor you, but glad to hear you are taking action. You have got an awful lot on your plate.

Buzzy am at your dd's 'father'. What an arsehole!! How dare he put you in that sort of position, and be prepared to write off his own daughter!!

My dad was similarly twattish when he and my mum split up, had little contact with him between the ages 13-18, because he moved back to Spain. And I can assure you HE is the one who missed out.

All I can suggest to you is just be there for your dd, this is going to affect her but she haves a mummy who loves her very, very much and who would do anything for her and that is a pearl beyond price

Argh no time to post properly but:

Insy / VBS End of March EDD. And potty training. sigh Oh.

Buzzy unbelievable. how can anyone cut their kids out of their lives? And Happy Birthday!!!!!

Clairey What did DH make of the thread? And where in Kent? I'm from Kent and had a wonderful upbringing there so am utterly biased in saying "go to Kent woman"!

Suey, you sound so strong, just take one day at a time.
Thanks clara and everyone for birthday wishes! Despite everything with the evil ex I did have a really nice weekend and day!
Good luck beckle I hadn't heard that before.
Insy I can't believe you've made so much progress with toilet training and you ahve a 20 week old too! It restores my faith in washable nappies. My excuse is that I'm waiting for DD2 to move up to the Pre-school room at her nursery (hopefully in Feb) where they have toilets. Not much point at the moment as they only have a nappy change area.
I can't give the language excuse any more as sshe's turning into a veritable fountain of words these days. This morning when we arrived at her nursery she said "Bea, Nessa (Nessa is her teacher), Issy school, Mummy work!" Which I thought was pretty cute

Thanks all for your messages re ex and DD too.
I find it bl**dy hard to believe he can be this much of a complete bastard too! Its really giving me a very dire view of men in general right now.
I have fought a very hard battle with myself to try as hard as I can to make something work for DD when everything in me was screaming to just tell him to F off, but really I have reached the end of my tether. I'm now at the point where I'd rather say nothing than say something I'd regret later.
BT you're absolutely right it will be him that misses out.
dundee no I don't have to sign anything but he's basically trying to blackmail me to sign up to his terms or nothing at all. So I could still try and get maintenance payments from him (my lawyer says difficult but not impossible) even if we can't agree - as that's the law. But of course I'd rather he committed to ringing DD regularly etc.
beckle yes I've spoken to DD (or at least he talked to her and I found out later) but haven't been able to bring myself to tell her he's planning to go forever. She just thinks he's going to London to work for a while. She seems reasonably OK with that but is fully expecting a holiday to visit him, calls and letters etc.
suey that's my view too - I have to keep telling myself "not my fault". I also agree there's a strong whiff of another party pulling the strings here. But he has free will doesn't he?

thanks guys! My psychiatrist was so lovely: floods of tears again when retelling my birth story. Really interesting about the horrible thoughts: apparently they are just a symptom that all is not well: your body creates the most vile thing you can imagine in order to alert you. You are not at risk of doing such horrilbe things: if you were, you would enjoy those thoughts. It's just an indication that you're depressed and happens in 30% of depression.

Bloody hell buzzy that is awful. Your poor dd and poor you having to deal with it all.

Suey hope you are ok and well done on talking to someone so promptly, hope it has helped.

I think Insy is Supermum! Potty training ds2 already (and with success)as well as having a 4 month old ds3

I haven't even managed to get dd properly trained, wet pants 3 times on mon and wet beds every night. DS will hapily run around bare bummed and sit on loo but wees on the floor and asks for a nappy on to poo

Thanks for all your responses, they summed up my two diferent POVs nicely Clara thanks for your post-I was fully expecting you to say "ffs don't be pathetic I've moved across the world twice and you are worrying about moving within the same country!". Really it will be easier to stay in this town as I only have to consider one thing-a house- whereas if I move I have to look for schools, groups etc. I am feeling quite pathetic atm so am tempted by the easy option but am also worried that I will regret it later as it cold be harder to move area once the dc are at school.

Anyway am feeling despondent now as phoned about a house around the corner and they said working people only (fair enough I probably would to avoid scroungers if it was my house too)and she said they'd been very specific and she didn't think having a guarantor, own deposit and character references would sway them

RE the thread well, apparently I have no right to privacy as he went through phone, emails, FB etc. Crazy thing is, even after reading peoples opinion of his behaviour he still thinks he has done nothing wrong and that I am the one in the wrong for telling people. Have changed passwords etc and delete cookies/history and have just been v boring in my posts in the hope he has lost interest. Don't think he will be reading this one, he's not that computer savvy and only read the others from my threads I'm on.