October 2007 These Little Piggies chased the easter bunny..and stole the eggs pt ll

[TheLadyEvenstar]

ok lets try here ladies!!!

Just popping in to say thank to everyone for all the supportive comments. I've spent the day with pils having a picnic in the park, taking my mind off things. I feel angry, sad, upset and kind of numb about it all. Am going to call the cab to get some legal advice about the restraining order , don't want Dylan to witness that if it happens again (which it will, it's not the first time) Sorry for the selfish posts today.

Muppet - Hope your dh is better soon and you don't all catch it.

Will post properly asap and stop being so me me me.

Have read most of your posts but am off to bed now, will be on tomorrow.

Inzi; Your Mum made me cry too! What a lovely thing to say ... we tend to learn our parenting skills from our parents so she obviously did a fabulous job with you and the fact that she will phone just to tell you she is proud of you is testament to that fact.

Dal; I hope you get some good advice from CAB. Thank heavens you have wonderful pils. You are not being in the least bit selfish.. sadly you are the one who needs support at the moment ...you have been there for those of us going through the mill and we are happy to try to help you in any way we can ..You just concentrate on your plan of action and getting back to a place where you feel comfortable and secure with the family members you "choose" to be part of your life. It is just so terribly sad that all your efforts have been thrown back in your face...but you can take heart in the fact that you have broken the parenting skills mould your parents showed you and will never make the mistakes with your children that they continue to make with theirs. (((hugs))))

Thanks Floria, I hope I have broken/am breaking the parenting mould. It is my greatest fear to end up like my parents, \i told my counsellor so. I am so so lucky to have my wonderful pils, they treat me like one of their own and are such a good example of how to be wonderful parents. I hope their parenting skills rub off on me and wipe out the horiblness of my own experience iyswim. They are constantly telling me what a 'darling' I am and what a lovely mummy I am to Dylan and how the same will never happen to us that has happened with my parents. I am not used to such compliments, it certainly helps to hear these things said when I doubt myslef.

I've just added pics of our day at the park yesterday on facebook, feel free to take a look ladies.

Inzi - What a lovely thing your mum said to you, Florias right, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree with regards to parenting .

Hope you are all ok,

Dal how awful for you and dh to have to have another bad experience with your parents. I guess the old saying "you can chose your friends.....

FT, glad chester zoo was a good day!!!

Sleep I hear a hammer helps the sleep situation lol

Inzi what a lovely thing to have been said to you! it would have made me well up as well!!!

Muppet what an awful start to your holiday! flat 7up!!

WWJAC Potty training is a long way off here as Zachary has no interest. On the other hand he has been in his bed for a few months as he is a climber and could escape the cot in seconds. Oddly enough he stays in his big bed all night.

I know I have missed a few people and I am sorry. I am a bit hungover today. Yesterday we took my mum to the coast. Had a brilliant day great meal. we dropped mum home came back, i asked Karl to bring Zacharys bag in as i had zachary who was half asleep and Grant had wet nappies and other things in his hands. He said ok mum. about 10 minutes later i asked karl for the bag.....HE HAD LEFT IT OUTSIDE of course it had gone along with my mobile, purse, Zacharys nappies, wipes, and my digital camera which cost us £250.

AM so so sad!

les - So sorry your bag has been stolen! I have everything but the kitchen sink in mine and would be devestated if it was stolen. Is there anything that can be done? Did any of your neighbours see who took it?

I'm trying to be rational today and say to myself that my parents won't turn up on a work day. problem is I can't help feeling contantly nervous in my stomach and keep jumping when people go past and the dog barks . I just want to relax in my own home.

HI all!!!

Dh continued to be sick yesterday so we made the decision to come home. He started late sat night and didn?t stop until last night we'd all had enough and it was raining yesterday so I couldn't envisage staying in one room all day. We couldn't even use the little garden (Henry had great fun filling/emptying a jam jar with stones for hours the day before) Dh managed to get insurance for the day for me on the Chrysler so I drove the 5 and half hours back home.

Dh was being sick every so often out of the window and the boys were okay but definitely suffering a mild case of cabin fever by the time we got home.

I have never been so glad to get home in my life and I think we'll just have to chalk that one up to experience...

Dal -I would get that restraining order just because it is something concrete apart from you telling your parents that their behaviour is unacceptable. I'm sure the Police just don?t hand them out so to have a piece of paper sent to them telling them their behaviour isn't acceptable will help you, in terms of justifying your guilt - the authorities agree with you so it's not in your head - and also in showing your parents that what they are doing isn't right. It still may never change the situation but might help you come to terms with what has happened. Your PIL sound lovely xxx

Inzi - you are a fab mummy!!!! But it's lovely to be told it occasionally

We're just chilling today; Dh is better and has actually had some breakfast!! He's just supervised Ollie with his making of plaster of Paris magnets (Made last week but painted today) and then this afternoon I'm taking the boys swimming. If dh is feeling okay we're going to try to go to Legoland on Fri. as Ollie is desperate (x's 100000!!!!) to go as he's into Lego and has seen the adverts (oooo, those bl**dy adverts!)

We still have the hire car till sat so I?m going to use it this week to do the shopping, take boys out etc as then I can see if I can park it ?it?s like driving a supertanker ? as I think spending that amount of money on a car you?re going to have for (hopefully) the next 10 years means you need to make the right decision!!

HI all!!!

Dh continued to be sick yesterday so we made the decision to come home. He started late sat night and didn?t stop until last night we'd all had enough and it was raining yesterday so I couldn't envisage staying in one room all day. We couldn't even use the little garden (Henry had great fun filling/emptying a jam jar with stones for hours the day before) Dh managed to get insurance for the day for me on the Chrysler so I drove the 5 and half hours back home.

Dh was being sick every so often out of the window and the boys were okay but definitely suffering a mild case of cabin fever by the time we got home.

I have never been so glad to get home in my life and I think we'll just have to chalk that one up to experience...

Dal -I would get that restraining order just because it is something concrete apart from you telling your parents that their behaviour is unacceptable. I'm sure the Police just don?t hand them out so to have a piece of paper sent to them telling them their behaviour isn't acceptable will help you, in terms of justifying your guilt - the authorities agree with you so it's not in your head - and also in showing your parents that what they are doing isn't right. It still may never change the situation but might help you come to terms with what has happened. Your PIL sound lovely xxx

Inzi - you are a fab mummy!!!! But it's lovely to be told it occasionally

We're just chilling today; Dh is better and has actually had some breakfast!! He's just supervised Ollie with his making of plaster of Paris magnets (Made last week but painted today) and then this afternoon I'm taking the boys swimming. If dh is feeling okay we're going to try to go to Legoland on Fri. as Ollie is desperate (x's 100000!!!!) to go as he's into Lego and has seen the adverts (oooo, those bl**dy adverts!)

We still have the hire car till sat so I?m going to use it this week to do the shopping, take boys out etc as then I can see if I can park it ?it?s like driving a supertanker ? as I think spending that amount of money on a car you?re going to have for (hopefully) the next 10 years means you need to make the right decision!!

sorry for the double post

cross posted Dal/Tles

Dal - so sorry you're worrying...
Keep a diary of how you're feeling, how it impacts your life ect. Keep out the personal slights (keep that for a different book ) this can then be used as evidence of what trauma they are causing you and your family. You don't ever have to use it and I'm certainly not telling you to get a restaining order but should you need to you have evidence to back up what has happened. xxxxxx

Tles - [shock} god people can be such gits

Dal, there is nobody that saw apparently. But I walked the area last night partly to clear my head and not lose it with ds1. while i was walking i checked every bin there was no trace of the bag so i assume it is someone who lives local and they have just whipped it into their flat. We have just had asylum seekers move in over the road 3 houses full of them and sorry to say there has been a lot of crime since!!

As for your parents, I personally would have to tell them exactly how i feel. But I can understand you want a peaceful life. This would be the reason i would have to tell them. I would tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable and that unless they are oing to grow up and stop acting like petulant teenagers then they are not welcome. But they are welcome to send emails and enquire about their grandson, However the first attempt at being bitchy/sarcastic/nasty then all ties would be cut permanantly...

thats just my opinion and i am out spoken lmao xxx

...just wanted to add that my ex was a policeman and that's why I'm slightly evidence obsessed

I also went out with a policeman who turned quite nasty (was thrown out of the force for corruption) and I had to hand in my phone, record what texts he sent, keep a diary ect. They were even talking of putting a panic button in my house as he turned that nasty.

Really really, not obssessed with keeping tabs on everyone xxx

Thanks Muppet - Have made some notes of how I am feeling today . Sorry if i'm being think but what do you mean by 'personal slights'?

Les - That is the point we are at really. I've told them how I feel on several occasions in the past and recently, both to their faces, over the phone, through text and email. My oppinions don't matter to them, all they care about is what they think. If I get upset i'm just being 'petty' or 'overreacting', if they're upset then everyone has to know about it. They are always more important than me, than anyone actually. When we got back in touch I told them they could see Dylan as long as they 'behaved' (they know what I mean by that). They haven't behaved and started the abusive behaviour again almost immediately. So this is it now, i've had enough.

I still feel anxous, I cried when dh came home for dinner. He is so angry at how they have made me feel. I couldn't concentrate on feeding Dylan dinner as the kitchen window has no blind and I kept thinking they were going to turn up at the window . Everytime the peg bag blew around on the line I thought someone was standing there. I turned the heating on as it was a bit chilly and then got scared someone was upstairs (I had gone out to move my dh's bike round the back just before). The floorboards were creaking because the pipes were heating up but I kept thinking they must have got in when I moved the bike - ridiculous, I know. I keep having to go to the loo too (sorry TMI), my guts keep working overtime cause I feel so anxious. I'm now crying agian for the 3rd time today

Hi Dal the kind of thinge where you say 'my mother was being a complete b*tch as usual..!'

Shows you aren't being completely clear headed. Keep it factul, to what happened, how you feel and how its affecting you xx

Oh muppet - how awful for you, I'm so sorry your holiday went so badly. At least you are home now.

Stefka - I've read that they are too young to understand sharing yet. They've got no way of understanding that there is a "later", only a "now", so they can't grasp a concept of "she can have it now and you can have it later" - they only understand that it's been taken away. That's not to say that they shouldn't be taught that taking something that another child is playing with isn't good, but if the other child isn't bothered then does it matter at this stage?

FT - teehee at dh and the plumbing.

Inzi - sorry your sister's partner is made redundant - at least he got his qualification so hopefully he's more likely to get another job. Your mum's lovely btw.

Dal - glad you've got supportive people round you - it must make all the difference having your pils around. Sorry you're finding it tough though.

LES - sorry you've had all your stuff nicked. It's awful that people will take any opportunity to help themselves.

I had an interesting letter in the post today. I filled in this form weeks ago that you can use to find out if you have any "lost" bank accounts in your name. I didn't think for a second that there were any as I've always known exactly where all my money is, but it didn't cost anything to do - just had to provide previous addresses. I've had loads of emails back from various banks "sorry we can't find an account" but then I had a letter today from NS&I saying they'd possibly found an account belonging to me . I have to provide specimen signatures (including previous signatures ) and my parents have to sign in case they set it up when I was little (they've no recollection of anything). So we shall see....

So sorry the holiday had to be curtailed Muppet but glad Dh is better

Les it is awful that there are so few honest people left in this world..time was that someone would knock on the door to ask if you had lost "this" or at least have handed it to the police. I hope you can claim on your insurance for most of it...though that doesnt help you in the mean time.

WWAJC..oooh I do hope it that it is yours! It would be a bit like winning the lottery even if it isnt a large amount.

Dal. You need to feel safe in your own home. Have blinds or net curtains put up at any front facing windows. Padlock side gates and restrict access to the back of the house. Arrange with friends/relations to phone before they visit and to have a "special" knock to reassure you that it is them. Decide categorically not to answer the door to anyone else...you can always pick post up from the office...and if it would make you feel better install and alarm with a panic button .....oh and fwiw I find "Bach"s Rescue Remedy a wonderful help when thing overwhelm me
...incidentally, I wouldnt have mentioned parenting being learned from your own experience before if I wasn't absolutely certain that you were doing an utterly fantastic job ...my Mum, like you, had a bitch of a mother but she went out of her way to ensure that she never used any of her mothers tricks on me or my db...she broke the mould just as you are doing ...and though I can't speak for myself, my db isnt too bad a human being so she certainly got something right

Hey Floria, some good ideas there. The back gate used to close but it got broken and keeps blowing open with the wind. We have sheer nets at the front so not too bad but kitchen window has nothing as it's not standard size so hard to find one, will have to sort it.I have used Bach's rescue remedy in the past, think it was in the build up to my wedding when my mum was driving me mad, will get some more . Doing all the things you suggest will help. I just can't shake the feeling of utter anger/hurt/betrayal that they woulf find out my address against my wishes and come here .

I feel like I am going through a sort of grieving process. I keep thinking how it could have been then reminding myself that this is the only way it can be if I want to protect my family and my mental health. It's hard to think that I have tried and it has failed and that through their behaviour they have robbed me of a mother/father daughter relationship that I deserve. It's like getting a restraining order or even just not seeing them again will be almost like they don't exsist iyswim? I'm just feeling a lot of different emotions right now.

I an determined to break the mould, I will never make my children feel this way.

Thanks for your kind words.

Dal honey..you are absolutely right, you do deserve a real, loving, supportive parent child relationship and it is no fault of yours that your parents won't provide it (to me it sounds like she is totally incapable of accepting that you have grown up and relinquishing control)...and grieving for what should have been, is a natural response. I'm just sorry you are having to suffer so much just now. I am thrilled that you have such a fantastic and supportive relationship with your ils and hope that they can make up for your loss.

Floria - You have hit the nail on the head with 'she is totally incapable of accepting that you have grown up and relinquishing control'. This is a major part of the problem.

You are right, my ils are great. They have always been there for me and I know they will continue to be. They keep em sane

Feeling a little better today although I still jumped when the post lady put the mail through the door

Hope you are doing ok today, how did you/Alex sleep?

Hi Dal x

I have the same issues re the not parenting like my mother did... I know she was emotionally controlling ('poor me... look how awful things are for me' etc etc)
I am very aware of the things she did and I struggle to be different. A good example is when I asked Ollie to clear up the other day, he said no and I said 'oh, well, guess I'll have to just do it on my own as usual...' I then stopped myself as it is just what she would have said to guilt me into helping her. I talked to dh and said that I didn't want our children to feel constantly obliged to do something otherwise their parents wouldn't be 'nice' to them. I now explain to Ollie we work as a team, we can get more done that leaves time for the fun stuff/ there are some things we just have to do even if we don't want to. He responds to this and I think this is a better way.

I am constantly checking myself -am I being too strict? Am I being fair/over the top? I do think this is a consequence of my mother but also I take it as what a good parent should be doing. I don't know everything, I am not the oracle on child rearing and I make mistakes (all of which my mother was the opposite) I say sorry when I get things wrong, I talk to my children and above all I don't get them to do things by playing with their emotions. My love for them is ongoing no matter what they do. I tell Ollie I will always love him, even when I'm cross with him I still love him (the other day he said to me 'Even when you tell me off Mummy, I still love you' -I nearly cried he's so wonderful )

I think you should really focus on the fact you are aware of what happened in your childhood, that you don't want to repeat it but above all you want to do things differently.

You're doing a fab job xxxx

Dal - can understand that you're feeling like you're 'grieving' - but like you said you're more likely mourning the loss of what you would like to have had. At least you tried though - and you can know that in the future if they do ever see the error of their ways and apologise and genuinely want to start afresh (unlikely I know) then you would welcome that. That's all you can do but they are choosing the consequences of their behaviour and there's nothing you can do about that without it driving you mad. Glad you're feeling better today.

xx

Muppet - I think because you are constantly assessing your parenting already shows you are a far better parent than your mum could ever be. For what it's worth, whenever I read your posts I always feel that you are a fantastic, loving, caring mum. I know it's sometimes hard to 'spot' when you are doing something your mum may have done. I get scared that what she has conditioned me to believe is so ingrained that i'll behave like her without realising.

I am aware that I might do this from time to time so I have told dh to tell me if it happens. I have also promised myself that if Dylan ever tells me I have hurt or upset him I will always acknowledge that I have done wrong and always appoligise for it.

Hoping that situation won't arrise though as I will let himhave his own oppinions and not make him feel like he was just born to 'look after' me.

Here's to breaking the mould.

WWAJC - Yeah, I know they are choosing the consiquences by acting the way they do. I just wish they would wake up and stop being so bloody ridiculous! I think they're too set in their ways to change now, it's such a shame.

Dal, that's what dh and I do. He also wants to change the way he is with his children than how his dad is with him. He has his own relationship with the boys, does stuff with them by himself, hugs them etc. You never know what's going to happen in the future but he's trying to start something he hopes to continue. He has absolutely no relationship with his dad at all.

Just got back from Monsters and Aliens -not the best film I've seen but Ollie and his friend loved it

Anyone watch the hospital last night

WWAJC - what's the name of the website/contact details of the bank accoun thing? My nan had an account that I knew about that was never sorted and I've always said that we missed it when she died. Of course my dad gets any money but better someone gets it rather than the banks have it unused.

Hope all are well, I'm still trying to do my latest assignment and it's like pulling teeth. Thematic analysis on an interview on significant early relationships (how ironic Dal ) I've learned that qualitative analysis is not my bag!

WWAJC/Floria/Needmorecoffee - need to draw up a revision timetable for june 15th. How do you go about it? Loving the tips yu gave on revision though and will do that.

STarting to do the garden tonight -clear out the bad bits ready for the dividing planters to divide the garden into a dogs area and children area. Not going to look great but needs must.

Love to all

xx

Muppet - Thats good your dh is doing that

Yes I did see the hospital

Good luck sorting the garden, we're working on ours too...

Swingbothways - hmm wonder what/who that was .

Muppet - this is the website. Lots of details here.

On revision - I'm not very scientific about timetables - I used to be wonderful at spending so much time drawing up elaborate timetables that I didn't actually get round to revising . What I do now is just see how many chapters/topics I've got to revise and divide by the number of days I've got until the exam so I know how much time I've got to revise each topic. Then I split the topic down into sub-chapters and decide which ones to do on which day. I do make quite a lot of notes when revising though, so I make sure I've left a few days running up to the exam when I've not got any specific topics planned. I use that time to go back through my revision notes and make shorter notes and keep condensing them down until I've got short crib sheets that I can look at the night/morning before the exam.

Didn't see the hospital but did spend most of this morning at A&E. DH was doing DIY at 8am () and sliced the top of his finger off with a Stanley knife . Anya had just finished breakfast but got bundled into the car still in her pj's so I could rush dh to hospital. He had to get it stitched back on (5 stitches plus strips to keep the nail on) - it hadn't completely fallen off (retch) but he'd gone through a nerve and the main blood vessel as well as the nail etc. Anya was brilliant considering she was stuck in a waiting room with no entertainment (hadn't stopped to take toys and couldn't let her walk round or go outside as no coat or shoes or even socks) - she's very well behaved when she knows something's wrong and she has to be good.