June 2008: Nine months in, nine months out

[Essie3]

Here's to the next nine months!

Rolf, how did the coffee morning go last week?

Hi Neenz. The coffee morning was really nice - sorry you couldn't come. Thea slept through the whole thing and if I do another one I'll have to do one for toddlers rather than bumps/babes, which means having the house trashed! Don't mind when it's children I have an interest in but just random toddlers belonging to people I don't know - can't be bothered (not a natural with children!!)

Don't know about the champion farting but their diet sounds fabulous.

BDQ nothing wrong with camping, we just never had the money or time to do anything too exciting (the impressive holidays were all pre-kids too).

Rolf sometimes I wish I could average it out, be a decent mum all the time instead of fantastic or horrid...

Fraser's just projectile vomited all over my floors. Thank goodness I didn't put in new carpets. I'd be in tears! (I'm not thrilled to be scrubbing the floors yet again but at least I'm not renting a steam cleaner...)

neenz re e and her early olympic bid, have a friend who said she stopped giving her ds salmon as upset his stomach.

Thanks Poppy, I'll keep an eye out for that then. It is not the first time it's happened so it could be that.

Rolf, lmao at not being a natural with children with four kids. You are too hard on yourself. I know what you mean about random toddlers tho - cos you can never be sure their parents will make them behave and what do you say when little jonny is pulling himself up on your telly and Mummy is going 'aw, isn't he sweet?'

It goes without saying that I love camping . We pick up our trailer tent on April 19 and if the weather is good we are going to take it away that week as Dh is off work. I can't wait

Morning all. S woke last night at 3am and he was absolutely howling the place down so we just brought him into bed with us. Have to say that's our usual solution if he's upset but thankfully it hasn't led to him waking to come in with us every night.

Have decided to hold off on visit to docs for another day. S is no worse and seems quite well despite all the spots. The doc will ask if he seems well, is he off his food, does he have a temp.. Can answer all those correctly so seems little point in going. If not any improvement by tomorrow we'll get him an appointment.

Am now having the dullest last day of mat leave though. S has the attention span of a gnat and is very demanding. I finally had to stop using his bouncy chair but can't really leave him sat on mat with toys at all so a very frustrating time all round.

Sorry am a bit whingy today. Aberdeen I'm assuming you know my camping chat was just a bit cheeky in a jokey way?

Neenz, trapped wind can be very painful. I swear by dentinox for S.

Amber is it this week your dh is away? I know it's not ideal but have you thought about bringing Luke to bed with you so you both get some sleep this week? If you get some rest you might feel better equipped to start tackling the sleep issues again next week.

Can I vent? Feeling completely overwhelmed here. Looking after a defiant barking mad 2 1/2 year old and a fractious 9 month old on my own seems impossible. I feel like it is on my own - dp's contribution is so minimal. He has a week off work this week and offered to maybe cook dinner one night. I would be but I haven't got the energy (and he does have a really nasty flu-ey cold too). I have, however, got through the weekend by repeating 'chocolate teapot' like a mantra Rolf to remind me I am not alone!

Caitlin is suddenly extremely demanding as she tries to be mobile and gets frustrated, and of course has been ill. When she is mobile (nearly there now) it will get even worse as I won't be able to leave her anywhere. She is obsessed with eating paper and can find little scraps to chew on wherever I leave her. The house is a vile midden and I am ready to walk, but have nowhere to walk to. And there is no-one, no-one, no-one who can or is willing to help me.

I feel v. selfish whining as I have 2 lovely children and my problems are so minimal compared to others (sybil your poor friend!!) but emotionally I am completely swamped and abandoned right now. Have contacted the counselling service but it'll be a little while before I get an appt, but at least that's something to cling to. Sorry, didn't mean to bring things down but I literally have no-one else I can talk to about this.

Essie I know ds has an ear infection because of the pitch of his screams and the pattern - snotty cold + night waking + extreme distress and then usually gunk. But, the only way to be sure is to get a dr. to look in the ears, and tbh there's not much they can do anyway as it's normally a virus causing it. I take them to be checked if I don't know what is causing the pain or if there is gunk, as ds has a history of secondary infections, but if I'm fairly sure it's ears I just dose them up for a day or so before I make the appt (nurofen def. works better as it's anti-inflammatory too but I use both if they're really distressed). Would help if they pulled at their ears but neither of mine do.

Amber so sorry you're having such a hard time. It sounds like separation anxiety maybe - but this is not not not necessarily caused by you being back at work, it's a developmental stage and he could well have done this anyway. Please don't feel guilty about it! And if this is what it is, it will pass. I think co-sleeping has helped me cope with Caitlin's wakings when she's been ill (although am obv. not coping right now!), don't know how you feel about trying that? at least you wouldn't have to be out of bed to cuddle him then.

Poppy - I've worn only contact lenses since ds was about 9 months!

Systems - so sorry you're feeling so down at the moment and your dh being ill could have been better timed eh? Have you got a playpen for caitlin? i've never had one before but it's a godsend at the moment as I can just put Ethan in and if I'm lucky he'll play happily in there for a while, he can only access his toys not anything dangerous and I can get something done like go to the loo in peace , even if he's crying at least I know he's safe!

I remember feeling very bogged down with everything when my oldest 2 boys were a similiar age - you are not alone and if you want a real person to talk to there's our UK number on our website, I'll post a link to it if you've not got it.

Amber - Whilst Mark's away I would just take Luke in with you if that means he'll sleep. There's time enough to sort out his sleep and at least then you will feel physically able to cope. I'm trying the CC but I don't know how people can keep going for 2 hours in the middle of the night, I cracked last night after 40 minutes and I brought Ethan into bed because I knew then that I could get back to sleep and we'd all be happier.How is everything today?

thanks Deb, you made me cry - in a good way! I won't ring as I am crap at phones but it helps so much to know someone else knows what it's like - and if you went on to have another one, there must be light at the end of the tunnel. No space for a playpen in our tiny house (need to move so desperately which is another source of stress as we are never organised enough to get anywhere with this) but I do have a travel cot which I'll move downstairs, then there's somewhere safe for her to be put on every floor - even if she doesn't like it!

Systems, sorry everything is getting on top. I was going to suggest play pen/travel cot too - my two like to go in there with toys etc for short periods (its great if we go to a friend's for lunch, I just stick them in there and it gives us 20 mins peace). Yes I think you can take heart from the fact that Deb went on to have another baby!! I definitely think a toddler and a baby is harder than twins - at least twins need the same thing at the same time - so don;t feel bad that you are not coping so well right now. Sleep deprivation does not help - is it a minor blip with DP or something more (tell me to keep my nose out if you want!)

BDQ, is Dentinox like Infacol? What about gripe water? So do you give that when they seem a bit smelly? Or when they are a bit unsettled?

Debs, I know what you mean abut two hours crying - that was me last night, but I just don't know what else to do. I can't bring them both into bed with me and I can't get into the cycle of feeding back to sleep again cos from experience that just ends up happening more and more each night. So all I feel I can do is cc until they go back to sleep. But if it went on night after night I would probably not carry on (as it would obv not be working!) - I will see how she does tonight. No salmon today so maybe she will be more settled/less farty

Systems, could you maybe get out for a walk with the pram? That always lifts my spirits, even when I feel like I can't be bothered, if I make the effort it is always worth it and it keeps the DCs happy!

SA I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, although from a purely selfish point of view it is very, very comforting to know that I'm not the only person who feels like this. "Defiant barking mad" just about describes my DD1 at the moment, and Thea is being so much more grizzly and fractious recently. Our house is vile at the moment. If I'm lucky I can fire-fight - ie empty the dishwasher etc, but actually putting away, tidying, dealing with finances etc, well, both DH and I are having panic attacks about all of that, it is so out of control.

Anyway, wish I could be more help but you're certainly not alone

x

SA just want to echo what Rolf and Debs have said. It gets on top of us all at times. I have felt like that for a long time. SOme times it can be good a for a couple of weeks then it all goes downhill again, just feeling I can't do everything that's expected of me. Rolf, my house is a mess but just about manage to keep it clear for DS to play and keep us with clean dishes and something to wear!

thanks guys. Have been at work today so shattered in a different - but much more sane - way!

Neenz - yup dentinox is a bit like infacol but it has an immediate effect. S would refuse gripe water so not sure what that's like. I would def give dentinox again if he seemed to have painful wind. You can add it to milk too.

Systems, so sorry you're having a tough time. Wish I could think of something useful to say. Have you thought about a rota for the housework or is there anyone who could babysit for a day so you could catch up? My house has been a midden for months and it often really gets me down, especially when I can't see anyway to do anything about it.

systems I'm so sorry that you're down - got nothing useful to say except that counselling will help (when I felt like I couldn't cope with edie just after she was born going back to therapist will help). Maybe that is something to hang on to (although I know it may be a wait) as at least its your time and space to get perspective. And echo what Deb say re time out in cot/playpen as it is a valuabel time (have also found that edie does controlled mania then crying then seems to sleep). But fwiw I think you're lovely and if your house is a midden you go up in my estimation (I am about as far away from a perfect house cleaner as you can get )- you always have something nice/helpful to say even when you're feeling as low as you can (and who can blame you - i know yoru dh is poorly but its not like you get any time out is it? the rota systme sounds sensible).

amber I think the others are right -take luke in with you if you can - fix your sleep then you can think of his. ALso think it could be separation anxiety - I know that edie doesn't sleep as well and is very clingy/weepy for no reason when dh away (so I'm hoping we can avoid this by doing a slow introduction to the nanny over 2/3 weeks so she gets gradually used to me going to work). also recommend bunnytown as a cheer up.

Right off to florida tomorrow -no prizes for guessing who has the most luggage of the three of us. Also you could predict that we are now on the lots of very dirty nappies stage of her infection .

neenz hope tonight is easier..

systems I wanted to post earlier with support, but then Fraser puked and Duncan started causing trouble and ... anyways, I want to say that I know exactly where you are! (and it sucks). I feel like I really need help at the moment, but there just isn't any. I've kinda figured out who I could call in a real emergency (like taking one kid to the hospital) but for the daily disasters, I'm on my own.

And my house - well, DH and I had a fight about it this weekend. I end up picking up after him as well as cleaning up after the boys and I'm fighting a losing battle. We've at least got the space we need since we moved but the house needs a lot of decorative updates and when it's covered in junk it just looks like no one cares. And I do care, so I get very sad. I hate that life is so overwhelming and that I'm not the mum I want to be.

(Deb - how on earth did you get the guts together to have a third? DH and I would love another kid but I don't think we could cope. I know you've got a bigger age gap though but still, I just feel so overwhelmed. And rolf, did you go through this before too?)

It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one having a tough time at the moment!

have fun in florida poppy!

Very Poppy! I love Florida, me and DH had a great hol there (Orlando and Daytona Beach plus a cruise to the Bahamas - those were the days!!! Camping in the Cotswolds for us this summer )

Can I ask, Abdn and Systems, how old are your older DCs ie what is the age gap? Do you think it is a particularly difficult gap? I am thinking three years between the DTs and the next baby would be perfect but I don't know if I have the patience to wait and also whether it would be wise considering my age (I am 32 this year). So just wanted to know if I am mad to consider having another baby before then really!

I've got a two year age gap, and yes it's pretty tough. They have no needs in common at the moment and DS1 is too young to understand that I can't drop everything for him all the time. That being said, I'm hoping it'll be a much better age gap in a year or so when they can actually play together. I think Deb has a similar age gap with her older boys - Deb, what do you think?

(I was 32 in December, we're not that old yet!)

Hi all, thanks you SO SO much for all the lovely advice and concern. Mark is off this week - he's somewhere in the sky at the mo. Maybe i'll try Luke in with me then. I have tried that before but he didn't like it. How do you do the covers? He has a grow bag on so do I put him on the top of the bed? Also how do you deal with the baby potentially falling off the edges?

It seems like a few of us are having mares at the moment. I know what you all mean about being too scared to have another one. I want two kids but it's been hard going enough with one. thing is I am ancient (36!) so don't want to wait too long so Mark and I said we'd start trying again at the back end of the year.

My poor sister is miscarrying her twins she's just texted me. Don't know what to say to her she's so upset. She's 12 weeks.

Systems - just re read you post. You know what it's easier when they are mobile. Luke entertains himself MUCH more now he can crawl. He is happier too now he can get where he wants to. You just need to make sure one room is clear of dangers and bits on the floor. I might be a bad mummy but I often leave Luke in the living room (our safe room) with the door closed for 5 minutes and he's fine just playing with a ball and chasing it round the room. He has more scrapes at nursery where he is watched all the time and is always coming home with bruises. You need to talk to your other half. Maybe he doesn't realise he's being useless. I am in the same boat and have nowhere to run to and no-one to help me. I know sometimess if I did have somewhere to run to I would have done but I'm glad I stayed.

Amber - your poor sister .

You might find things easier than you expect with Mark away. I know that sometimes when DH is away at least I know that I have to cope on my own, rather than assume that he is here help and then get upset when he doesn't/can't. I put a pillow on the far side of the bed so Thea can't roll out.

Poppy have a wonderful holiday you lucky thing! Hope the scary nappies ease up!

I found the 17-month gap between the boys very hard work but lovely as you just stay in baby-mode. It was then 4 years before we had DD1 but with a late m/c in the middle as well as a relocation and various other traumas, so I don't think my experience is typical. There are 3 years between DD1 and DD2 and I am finding it quite a difficult gap. FWIW I think having them close together is the best idea. Even if you have a tough few years it really pays off when they are doing the same sorts of things and you're not having to work out how to accommodate a toddler and a school child at the same time. Everyone I know whose children are close in age says the same thing - it's really hard going at the beginning but pays off later on. And it goes without saying that the best laid plans ...

DS2 (7) is doing a lot of reading on his own at the moment, which means the sweetest mispronunciations: Odysseus/Odious; launderette/laundry-etty.

Amber - i am sorry about your sister. however i am annoyed about you saying you are ancient ffs |I was 36 when conceived an just had DD 38 when had ds and am looking to ttc end o this year so nearly 40 with no3