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Original poster

DH is feeling useless and is getting frustrated with out 12 day old

66 replies

AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 28/12/2019 07:00

DH feels like he isn't able to settle DD, she normally only fusses when a wet/dirty nappy, which is easily solved, bit when she wants feeding,. He can't settle her and gets frustrated at having to hand her over to me.

He wants me to express so he can feed Herm he also keeps saying to use a dummy. But I keep saying it's too early for both as it's only 11/12 days and BFing, whilst going well, isn't established yet.

Last night he got cross at get crying when he was trying to settle her near the endof a 5-6 hour cluster marathon

He was bouncing her and once he said to her "do you know how tiring this is, you're being a little bitch for no reason' 😓

I asked him to hand her over at that point, which he did in a huff and walked away.

He feels like he can't do anything for her. And yesterday for the first time he refuta cuddle with her.

Is this just his tiredness kicking in?
.is it normal for the dad to feel like they can't so anything for baby!

OP posts:

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Booberella9 · 28/12/2019 07:05

Wow that is shit. Calling a baby a bitch, what a king among men.

You need to recognise that you are baby's primary carer, of course she won't settle away from you. You are also her food source. She is biologically programmed to want to be on you at all times, google the 4th trimester to understand what she's doing.

At this stage, your DH role is to care for you while you care for baby. He should be doing cooking, cleaning, laundry, bringing you water and food etc.

Hopefully the namecalling is a blip and he can get a bloody grip.

finn1020 · 28/12/2019 07:23

Wow, she’s 12 days old and he’s calling her a bitch and getting shitty at her because she won’t do what he wants (settle down). You need to be worried and concerned about this behaviour as a man who has a poor sense of what is appropriate behaviour around a baby, or can’t control his behaviour, can end up snapping and it only takes a few seconds to end up with a shaken, brain damaged baby.

He’s also being a poor parent who is showing he wants what suits him, and not what is best for her. No good caring partner or father would be sulking and wanting you to express just to suit him so he can have a go feeding her like she is a toy and it’s time for his turn.

He’s a dick.

Lindtnotlint · 28/12/2019 07:30

Of course this isn’t great behaviour. But I would cut him a tiny bit of slack (and he should cut you LOADS!). The early days of a newborn can be really tough and everyone is so sleep deprived. So sometimes people say and do things they shouldn’t... assuming he is a generally good’un I would try hard to stay on the same team together and handle things gently. This will all pass as the baby gets bigger. (I remember my gent of a DH getting frustrated because all he ever got to do was change nappies - which made DD scream every time!).

RunningAroundAgain · 28/12/2019 07:31

Well calling her a bitch is absolutely horrible, and you should call him out on that. It's not good enough and it makes no difference whether she can understand or not. The point is you understand and it hurts you.

As for the rest, yes I think this is very normal and quite common with men. He's feeling useless, frustrated and sleep deprived. He wants to help but it must seem like nothing he does works and that baby only wants you, so he's losing confidence and patience and it's a vicious circle. But he needs to realise the baby is the most important thing, and whatever it takes to make her comfortable. The world is an extremely scary place for her right now as she tries to adjust to everything outside the womb. And the safest, happiest place for baby is with/on you (google the "fourth trimester")

If he can let you just take care of her (for these early weeks), while he takes care of you and the house, that will be best for everyone. Then he can gradually start getting more involved with baby as the weeks go on

DamnitCharlie · 28/12/2019 07:33

Of course he won't be able to settle her as he can't feed her, he can still burp her, change her nappy and cuddle her when she's finished feeding. He needs to be looking after you as you're the one breastfeeding all the time. Expressing isn't easy, I could only manage 1or 2 ounces in half an hour which isn't even enough for a whole feed.
He needs to accept that he will feel like a spare part for a bit but there will be plenty of time for him to feed and look after her when she's older!
Is he getting enough sleep at night? Could he sleep on the sofa for one night and see if that helps? Then he can look after the baby when she's not hungry while you sleep?
Hopefully the swearing is a one off, I'm sure I've told my daughter to go to effin sleep a couple of times in the middle of the night in the early days and I would never do anything to harm her.

endofthelinefinally · 28/12/2019 07:33

Not normal to call his 12 day old baby a bitch. No. Has he bothered to read anything about the post natal period or newborns?
Awful behaviour.

Snaleandthewhail · 28/12/2019 07:34

Aside from the fact he’s being completely inappropriate...

You could, if you want, try expressing a tiny amount now. Sometimes if people wait the recommended 6-8 weeks baby doesn’t latch on well to a bottle. If you were struggling with breastfeeding you probably would be using some sort of bottle of either expressed or formula as top up by this point. But it is entirely up to you.

NoParticularPattern · 28/12/2019 07:45

Oh that was horrible to read OP. Are you doing ok? Because I wouldn’t be if my husband had been like that with either of mine in the early days.

He is taking everything very personally and I think he probably needs to do some reading about the fourth trimester etc to help with that. Baby isn’t even a fortnight old! Of course baby only wants you- you are all she has known for her whole life until 12 days ago when she got thrust into this loud, bright, cold and uncomfortable place she finds herself in now. She’s only doing what babies do, it’s not a personal attack- she doesn’t know that daddy is just as good as mummy (well, almost!) she is just behaving how a 12 day old baby should and he shouldn’t be reading so much into her “behaviour” because she isn’t choosing to do this like a toddler might choose to push boundaries, she is just doing what she needs to do to survive.

Tiredness is a massive factor in how he is reacting I am sure, but then he doesn’t really have any excuse for being tired (not that I’m in any way saying he should just abandon you to get on with it whilst he sleeps, but he could be taking a nap whenever he likes essentially, unlike you who has to wait for baby to be asleep/occupied!!). I would suggest you show him some stuff about the fourth trimester. You can offer a dummy or a bottle if you want to (although not usually recommended until 6 weeks ish) but realistically he’s probably just going to have to wait. His want to be able to settle her doesn’t trump her need to be close to her mother- her only familiarity, security and source of food at this point in time.

OneTooManyBathtimes · 28/12/2019 07:47

DH gets frustrated with our 2 yr old still, and has our eldest. We think he's got PND but waiting for GP appt to confirm. He too feels like he can never settle the children.

We were recommended not to bottle feed until at least a month old if you were breastfeeding to help establish the milk supply and let DD learn to feed on the boob first.

Hope you get the support you need, and I hope your DH gets any help he may need (and stops calling your child names)

cptartapp · 28/12/2019 07:55

I started expresssing at ten days twice. No problem. I absolutely did not want a bottle refuser.
Your DH sounds worrying. Parenting is tiring. This is just the beginning.

Dipsydoodle · 28/12/2019 07:59

Oh dear. This isn't good OP Is he usually short-tempered? Please don't express or give a dummy if you don't want to and don't be pressured. His time to settle the baby will come, but she's 12 days old and you are her whole world. That's just how it works.

MsChatterbox · 28/12/2019 07:59

I'm not excusing his behaviour, particularly the name calling, but wanted to say that my husband was a bit useless with our son as a newborn. Now he's 2 he is great. I think a lot of men struggle to bond when baby just wants mum but that bond definitely came later for my husband.

Dipsydoodle · 28/12/2019 08:00

If this is out of character for him, then maybe a trip to the GPS. Dads can get a form of PND too. Could your health visitor speak to him maybe?

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 28/12/2019 08:09

My exh called our newborn son a cunt when he was crying once.

3 years and a divorce later, he still can't deal with our son when he tantrums and makes his girlfriend deal with it instead.

Good luck 🥴

TartanMarbled · 28/12/2019 08:10

Why not try expressing and a dummy? It would lead to a more equal parenting experience, and will give you much more freedom.

PerfectPretender · 28/12/2019 08:11

Well that sort of behaviour wouldn't induce me to rush towards leaving the baby in his sole care any time soon.

expatinspain · 28/12/2019 08:28

What is he like as a partner? Is he a good man or does he have any anger problems etc? Having a new baby is a stressful time and can push limits, but calling her that is pretty awful.

IndefatigableMouse · 28/12/2019 08:30

He should realise baby has known you for nine months, but him for 12 days. It will take time.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2019 08:34

Sorry OP but no decent man calls a baby a bitch- couldn’t really give a crap if he feels left out- you carried the baby, you gave birth and now you are feeding - he needs to worry less about his role and support you in anyway he can. Is he cooking you food, keeping the house clean?

Clymene · 28/12/2019 08:53

Men don't get PND because they don't give birth @OneTooManyBathtimes

A lot of men find it very difficult to cope with not being the centre of attention and the fact that babies are hard work.

OP - don't start expressing now for his benefit (any man who calls a newborn a bitch doesn't really deserve to be in the house with them imo).

His role in the 4th trimester while you establish feeding us looking after you as much as your baby.

jarjarjam · 28/12/2019 08:58

Really horrible. I really can’t imagine calling a 12 day old a little bitch. My husband and I were knackered and snapped at each other at times but not a tiny brand new baby. Similarly toddlers can be trying and you might think you little bugger in your head but very different from new baby.

He’s been very selfish, immature and nasty. There’s a breastfeeding leaflet somewhere about dad’s being on “team baby” which is a bit cringey but true- you don’t look at what dad wants to do to you say ah ok baby wants to be with mum and feed a lot, mum is recovering and has big demands made of her, what can I do as partner and dad to look after them all and allow mum to give baby what they want in these very very early days. My husband did cleaning and cooking, shopping, washing, bringing drinks, changing (clothes and nappy), pram walks and bath time. You’re doing a hard thing establishing breastfeeding which is great for your baby, your partner should be pleased and supportive rather than adding to your workload pressing for expressing (unless you want to) and a dummy when you’ve been told both could interfere with your feeding and you are naturally concerned. everything will change so quickly there’s no need for him to push at this early stage. It may be normal to quietly feel sad you can’t settle the baby but not to act on it like that and if he reads up he’ll see it’s no reflection on him. But honestly - you do a marathon feed for 5/6 hours and you’re not annoyed but he’s tired rocking the baby for a little bit at the end of it? Couldn’t be arsed with that. Be gentle on yourself and your baby you’re doing a great job, but your partner is being awful and needs to sort himself out, a tiny dependant baby’s needs take priority over his and if he’s caring and gentle and responsive in time their bond will develop.

custardbear · 28/12/2019 09:03

He needs to grow up fast and settle in for a life change

Cut some slack, don't row, just try to pull together and do team work at home. I would try expressing so you're helping out too with their bonding - my DH also felt useless as he couldn't feed but he found his way to be a dad - and when bottle feeding started he loved it

Good luck, but pull together, not apart

ISaySteadyOn · 28/12/2019 09:13

At this point, his job is to take care of you. If baby is 12 days old, you are still recovering from the birth. Your DH can be useful by feeding you (that is, cooking), changing all nappies when he is available to do so, and holding DD when she is asleep so you can eat with both hands.
Your job at this point is to feed DD and recover from the birth.

LittleReindeer · 28/12/2019 09:16

Don’t let anyone push you into expressing or giving a dummy if you don’t want to. I never did either and imo it was much healthier. Breast milk is a lot more than just food.

Northernsoullover · 28/12/2019 09:20

If you wait much longer she won't take a bottle at all. I mixed fed (all breast milk) mine from a week old. If you are planning on introducing a bottle she won't take it at 6 weeks.

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