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Original poster

DH is feeling useless and is getting frustrated with out 12 day old

66 replies

AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 28/12/2019 07:00

DH feels like he isn't able to settle DD, she normally only fusses when a wet/dirty nappy, which is easily solved, bit when she wants feeding,. He can't settle her and gets frustrated at having to hand her over to me.

He wants me to express so he can feed Herm he also keeps saying to use a dummy. But I keep saying it's too early for both as it's only 11/12 days and BFing, whilst going well, isn't established yet.

Last night he got cross at get crying when he was trying to settle her near the endof a 5-6 hour cluster marathon

He was bouncing her and once he said to her "do you know how tiring this is, you're being a little bitch for no reason' 😓

I asked him to hand her over at that point, which he did in a huff and walked away.

He feels like he can't do anything for her. And yesterday for the first time he refuta cuddle with her.

Is this just his tiredness kicking in?
.is it normal for the dad to feel like they can't so anything for baby!

OP posts:
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Northernsoullover · 28/12/2019 09:22

This explains it better www.pumpstation.com/blogs/articles/offering-a-breastfed-baby-a-bottle

YouJustDoYou · 28/12/2019 09:30

He's an absolute immature piece of shit to call a little baby a "bitch". Not every woman is able to successfully express. He needs to grow up and realise he cant magically make a new born magically settle. The fact he walked off in a huff - immature little boy. Good for you for stepping in though- sounds like you're going to have to do this a lot to protect her from him.

Clangus00 · 28/12/2019 09:33

If my DH had called our TWELVE DAY OLD such a vile, nasty name (even through “frustration” or “tiredness”), it would be the last thing he called her in front of me!
His bags would’ve been packed & he’d be out the door! Then I’d be sure to tell everyone exactly why!

Borderterrierpuppy · 28/12/2019 09:36

How has he been apart from that one incident?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2019 09:37

if you wait much longer she won't take a bottle at all. I mixed fed (all breast milk) mine from a week old. If you are planning on introducing a bottle she won't take it at 6 weeks such rubbish- OP ignore- I introduced the odd bottle from week 9, still mainly bf- no issues!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2019 09:38

Also I introduced a bottle when I wanted to not because a man told me!!!

woodhill · 28/12/2019 09:40

So sorry OP. He can help in so many ways by supporting you.

Cooking the dinner, housework etc.

Just carry on feeding her in the way that works for you.

My dh was a bit like that at times

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/12/2019 09:45

Your husband is being awful and making it all about him and not what’s best for the baby, which is being close to you. He could be doing everything else to make life easier for you both.

Clymene · 28/12/2019 10:25

I never mixed fed - my babies were exclusively breast fed. None of them had any issue with accepting a bottle.

ebenezerscroogedmeover · 28/12/2019 11:51

@Clymene Men can get PND. Mine did. The doctor diagnosed him.

Having a new born can mentally impact both men and women.

Original poster
AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 28/12/2019 14:48

He had been cooking and cleaning and helping. Changing nappies and such.

He just really struggles with her crying.

I do remind him that she's only brand new and the crying is always for a reason.

I'll try and get him to talk to his BIL who had a DD a few years back and went through a similar set of feelings

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 28/12/2019 14:48

Has been*

OP posts:
Clymene · 28/12/2019 15:52

I know that the nhs believes they do @ebenezerscroogedmeover. I don't think it should be called post natal depression though. They are not post natal because they haven't had a baby.

I'm sure they are depressed though.

Clymene · 28/12/2019 15:55

I'm glad he's pulling his weight @AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps. If he is really struggling, he could go to see his GP. But he does have to accept that calling a tiny baby a bitch is crossing a line and is totally unacceptable.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 28/12/2019 16:02

12 days old, you are the primary carer. I would not expect him to do more than a short cuddle or nappy change but i would tell him in no uncertain terms getting irritated and cally a helpless newborn a bitch is off the scale of unacceptable

53rdWay · 28/12/2019 16:13

It is quite common for babies to go through an evening screamy phase at just a little older than yours is now. Hours of crying where you really can’t console them, you just have to do your best to comfort them and stay sane.

It sounds like he is going to really really struggle with that if your baby goes through it. And even if she doesn’t, there’s teething, toddler tantrums, illnesses, all sorts of things where he just won’t be able to stop her crying immediately no matter what he does. He needs to get a grip on his reactions and behaviour NOW.

Has he read or learned much about how newborns behave and what they need? Would he talk to the midwife/health visitor and get their advice?

lisag1969 · 28/12/2019 16:13

His job while baby is so young is to look after you and household jobs. Tell him to get a bloody grip, grow and stop behaving like a spoilt brat. He seems to be a little bit jealous to me and needs to get hold of his emotions and behave. He needs to get his priorities right and realise he is not your no 1 priority at present. But you need to his x

Original poster
AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 28/12/2019 16:30

I spoke to him this afternoon about how worried I was for him.

He getting frustrated earlier because she was fussing. He changed her nappy and realised she needed feeding. I was in the kitchen at the time. I came in when he said she was hungry. Handed her over and left.

I spoke to him, and he said he left because he was frustrated and wanted to remove himself before he got too cross. Which is good.

I said we should speak to the health visitor when they visit in a couple of days. Plus there is a breastfeeding support group the next day. So he can talk to the people there too.

I think it's just a learning curve for him. He's had zero baby experience. I've had some through nieces, nephews friends etc.

I have found a couple of links for him to read.
.
Plus my Dsis reiterated that there is always a reason for the crying.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, as none of us are perfect, and the 3 of us only have been at this for 12 days.

If he talks about it, asks for help, and reads up a bit more hopefully it will make it easier for him.

OP posts:
winniesanderson · 28/12/2019 17:16

@53rdWay I was thinking that too. My youngest would scream/feed all night for up to 8 hours for weeks. Turns out it was an allergy causing reflux but I've since read it can be surprisingly common. It nearly broke me. I don't know what I would have done without the support of my partner at that point. He did struggle with not being able to settle her but would walk up and down with her screaming for at least as long as I could have a bath or something to eat. And I always felt like he had my back. And more to the point that baby was safe with him. If I had to worry about how he was was with dc on top of how I was feeling with the chronic sleep deprivation, caring for my eldest dc and all the worries we had with the baby (a few concerns from birth) I think I would have lost the plot.

I hope you're ok OP. It's only human for your dp to be frustrated, but it's not acceptable to call a baby such names. They're asking to have their needs met that's all. Crying IS always for a reason. And the baby has known nothing but you for 9 months. You've been their home. Of course they'll want you. Google the 4th trimester.

RunningAroundAgain · 28/12/2019 18:59

Best of luck OP, and just remind him, at that age, they're not capable of being 'bold' or deliberately difficult, or trying to get their own way. Their brains don't yet function like that. It's merely survival for them

Sleepforever · 28/12/2019 19:40

I too had zero baby experience when my first was born. I did not however, ever call Dc a bitch or any other vile name. That is no excuse Op.

WarmthAndDepth · 28/12/2019 20:08

He needs to understand that his time isn't now, but will come later.
He needs to support you to be primary carer for now.
If he's desperate to do something, such as give you a break, see if your DD will go in a sling on DP's front and he can walk around the house while she naps on him. But just because he has an expectation of being able to help, it doesn't naturally follow that he gets his wish fulfilled at DD's expense. His wants do not trump your or DD's needs.
Also, the last thing you want is your DP getting 'frustrated' while trying to bottle feed Sad so please go gently with this one. I hate how what should be an amazing time for you is being overshadowed by your DP's behaviour. I don't think I will ever forgive DP for a similar transgression when DD1 was 10 days old; he'd been holding her while I went to the loo (glacial post-partum poo...), she grizzled, and I heard him go and put her down crying, say "Fuck it!" and lock himself in the bedroom, while I scrambled to get my aching bits cleaned up to get to her. Didn't ask him to take her unsupervised for a long time after that.
Also, please don't feel like you have to keep this a secret. Do mention it to your HV, DP's brother, both of your parents and your friends. Get DP to go see his GP. My DP's mental health took a nosedive when DC1 was born, and it was a shit time during which I felt really isolated and didn't feel like I could tell anyone. Best thing ever when I started telling our friends, bit families and DP finally went to the GP.

jarjarjam · 29/12/2019 00:01

You say it’s good he removed himself because he was getting frustrated, but what was he getting frustrated at? A newborn fussing? Crying? Being hungry? What a dick - there’s two adults to one baby who is at their most vulnerable stage and he’s called her a bitch earlier and now is frustrated? What’s going on?

beautifulstranger101 · 29/12/2019 00:04

What kind of a person calls their newborn baby a bitch?

Thats absolutely appalling. I would be extremely concerned what he'll call her when she's 2 and having a temper tantrum Shock or when she's a teenager pushing boundaries? what a horrible, horrible man.

jarjarjam · 29/12/2019 00:11

Ps men don’t generally go to bf peer support groups IME (they’re more likely to go with partners to bf support run by midwives at hospital drop ins though they’re all being shut down now). Resources are tight for midwives and they want to focus on the mum doing the feeding. Peer support groups are primarily for women to give and get mental and practical support on how they’re breastfeeding (not whiny selfish angry dads to talk about how how they feel left out). I mean i would give him advice on what he can expect and how to support you just because it’s in you and your baby’s interests but from the sound of his attitude as opposed to caring father wanting to know how to do his best then is resent him taking up the time. I know you want to keep your family together but I do think you’re being very accommodating here - please look after yourself you’ve gone through a lot and he’s being pretty shitty to you and your daughter.