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Post-natal clubs

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Original poster

DH is feeling useless and is getting frustrated with out 12 day old

66 replies

AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 28/12/2019 07:00

DH feels like he isn't able to settle DD, she normally only fusses when a wet/dirty nappy, which is easily solved, bit when she wants feeding,. He can't settle her and gets frustrated at having to hand her over to me.

He wants me to express so he can feed Herm he also keeps saying to use a dummy. But I keep saying it's too early for both as it's only 11/12 days and BFing, whilst going well, isn't established yet.

Last night he got cross at get crying when he was trying to settle her near the endof a 5-6 hour cluster marathon

He was bouncing her and once he said to her "do you know how tiring this is, you're being a little bitch for no reason' 😓

I asked him to hand her over at that point, which he did in a huff and walked away.

He feels like he can't do anything for her. And yesterday for the first time he refuta cuddle with her.

Is this just his tiredness kicking in?
.is it normal for the dad to feel like they can't so anything for baby!

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SirVixofVixHall · 29/12/2019 00:15

How old is he OP ?
He sounds astonishingly self centred. You are having to fuss over him while dealing with a newborn baby. A new baby wants their mother, not their father, he sounds jealous, immature, and borderline dangerous.
I know crying can be hard to take if it goes in, but in such a tiny baby it is normally brief unless they have colic or are unwell. If he is like this now how on earth will he deal with a teething baby ? Or a sick baby ?

SirVixofVixHall · 29/12/2019 00:15

Goes on, not goes in.

Original poster

AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 31/12/2019 17:08

We spoke to HV and he has been brilliant these past two days.

Helping and handing over when she's hungry. Has accepted he needs to wait until 6weeks for any expressing.

OP posts:

Drabarni · 31/12/2019 17:22

No, this isn't common.
Even 28 years ago Fathers were settling their babies the same as the mothers. He obviously needs more practice and you need to stop taking baby off him, he'll soon learn.
He sounds like a child himself, tell him not to call his child names, that's disgusting.

Drabarni · 31/12/2019 17:24

He shouldn't be "helping" he should be doing.
You are the problem here, I'm afraid, stop babying a grown man and tell him to perform 50% of the domestic tasks as is his responsibility as a human.

FruitcakeOfHate · 31/12/2019 17:35

Dear god, the number of apologists for this dire behaviour are unbelievable! He needs to grow the fuck up and support by taking over domestic tasks so you can feed. He has no business at a breastfeeding group, either. It's there to support women in the feeding of the baby not men. Your child and YOU should be the important ones at this stage, not his whiny arse. FFS. I'd never had any experience with babies before I had one, how amazing, I was able to be an adult and learn about it!

Please tell me he is keeping the house spic and span and bringing you cups of tea and food to keep your strength up.

Unbelievable to call a newborn a bitch.

Original poster

AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 31/12/2019 18:05

I say "helping". He is doing.

He changes her, was settling her at 2am, dressed her, cuddles, doing laundry, made lunch, dinner and breakfast. Cleaned kitchen etc.
It's not like I have to ask him to do those things. He is getting on with it whilst I have baby attached to my boob or am napping.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 31/12/2019 18:10

As for the breastfeeding group. There are ones where dad's are encouraged to go round here ( as well as mum only ones)

We haven't been to any, so did not realize that it would be odd for him to be at the 'dads' one.

Anyway as I said, he seems to have accepted he can't feed her yet. And says he wanted to take the pressure off me. And since our chat and HV. He had accepted that. He changes her before feed, settles her whilst I get "ready". And he hands her over when I'm ready.

OP posts:

Greenglassteacup · 31/12/2019 18:14

He called a 12 day old baby a bitch. Wow.

PanicAndRun · 31/12/2019 18:16

As a different view, while I don't remember calling DD any names (I don't remember much from the first 8 months tbh) I definitely swore at her. I definitely got frustrated with her. I shouted. I cried while she cried.

He needs to understand it's not personal. It's not him, it's not the baby either, and this stage will eventually pass. So while you can be understanding to a point he does need to check his reactions and language. If he can't by himself, then see the GP or HV. The baby won't bond or settle any easier if he's shouting,and swearing and getting increasingly frustrated with her is she? Learned that the hard way .

EKGEMS · 31/12/2019 18:26

I've got news for you sometimes babies cry for unknown reasons besides hunger or being wet or tired!

corduroyal · 31/12/2019 18:28

The feeling of 'I'm out of my depth and scared' is normal. He's expressing it in an arsey way.

Give him a clear sense of what his role is - eg cooking, giving the baby a bath, sorting supplies for the night etc. I think men find it hard that they're second fiddle to the mother, so if there's a thing they have ownership of, that helps.

Kittykat93 · 31/12/2019 18:33

God that's horrible. It would disgust me hearing that said about a newborn baby. What's he getting cross about? Is it news to him that newborn babies cry ffs??

I was on my knees with exhaustion and depression after having my son. I'm still exhausted and stressed now and he is 2. Never once have I called him names. If he can't cope with this he is going to struggle with parenthood!

Frenchw1fe · 31/12/2019 18:36

Glad you're both feeling less stressed.
Your dh sounds as if he's desperate to do more and that's good. Things will get easier.

Linetogilly · 02/01/2020 09:08

At 2 weeks old all the attention should be on you and baby and instead he’s making it all about him. You will look back at these early days and resent him. The resentment will eat away at you. I don’t know what to suggest other than to completely ignore him because right now it’s not about him at all. Don’t give him any attention. If he can’t deal with a 12 days old how is he gonna be able to deal with anything else as the child grows.

Leomoon · 14/01/2020 23:06

Yes it’s not nice for him to say that to the baby but can everyone chill the f out a little bit? Your world can feel rocked completely by a newborn and dad is clearly feeling frustrated that it’s not how he expected maybe.
@AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps my partner felt similar for the first 6 weeks or so as baby didn’t want anyone but me (also bf), j could tell it was upsetting him as he felt like he couldn’t do anything for him and he wasn’t wanted at all. What I found helped was them doing some of the fun stuff like baths (that is it baby doesn’t hate them!), they can do all the burping and nappy changes. Also encourage him to do some skin to skin with the baby when the baby’s calm and sleepy. A couple of hours with baby on his chest sleeping will no doubt feel really special for him.

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