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Original poster

Don’t trust wife with baby

89 replies

PanickyBrum1 · 05/07/2018 22:30

I feel awful writing this and I love my wife to bits and think she’s amazing. But I’m really struggling to leave I the morning knowing it’s just her and our two and a half week old baby. I got home today and our little one was so over heated and my wife had put woolly socks and knickers over her nappy. She gave her a dummy today even though she’s a thumb sucker anyway so what’s the point???

I’ve see loads of threads about not trusting the dad with kids but in that case you can just not leave him with the kids, what can you do to improve your wife’s understanding without upsetting her???

OP posts:

HeGotManFlu · 05/07/2018 22:38

Is this your first baby, does your wife have any family support, maybe a health visitor could come and see her to see if she needs help and support.are you planning to take paternity leave. What do you think she has done wrong, pants over a nappy, a dummy and socks?

Starlive22 · 05/07/2018 22:39

Crikey not really sure what to say as she is bound to be very emotional at the moment and a bit touchy to criticism. She's doing her best.

It's a bit odd to have put woolly socks on a baby in this heat, mine has been wearing just a nappy and a bib but not as young as your little one.

I do know where you are coming from though, I didn't trust anyone with my baby at all not even my husband. We had a similar sort of thing happen early on. But you could drive yourself mad with that sort of thinking.

Is she struggling in any way? It's really important to show you support her and are on the same page, it's a crazy time for women straight after birth, i really can't describe how hard I found it.

Maybe show her some of the safe sleep advice? It refers to keeping babies at a temp of around 16-20 degrees (although in this heat it's impossible) and make sure they stay cool. I'll find some of the literature and post it here for you.

It's all a learning curve don't forget, I didn't realise you couldn't put a hat on a baby in the house and left one on overnight for a week

Starlive22 · 05/07/2018 22:42

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/baby-room-temperature/

Don't forget that men can struggle too. It's a period of adjustment for both of you and if you feel anxious please go and speak to somebody. There is no shame and you won't be judged.

Hope that helps!

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 22:44

Dummy wouldn’t bother me. Easier to break the dummy habit than deal with a thumb sucker:

Overheated - how over heated? What temperature/symptoms?

Could you give us more examples? It’s very normal to be anxious as a new parent.

Original poster

PanickyBrum1 · 05/07/2018 22:46

Yes it’s our first baby and I guess I just freaked out that she was so hot and sleepy when I got home. I feel terrible because my wife is incredibly tired so I think is struggling to think straight. I’m contemplating switching to bottle feeding so I can share some of the burden....as for her family, let’s just not there but they won’t be any help, it’s a good point though, she gets on very well with my mum so I could get her to stay...

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 22:49

I’m contemplating switching to bottle feeding so I can share some of the burden.

Say what now?

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 22:51

she gets on very well with my mum so I could get her to stay...

Did you mean you could ask your dw if she wants her to stay, or just ‘get’ your mum to stay?

BrutusMcDogface · 05/07/2018 22:52

Seconding Not.

Wtf?

DuchyDuke · 05/07/2018 22:52

If she’s not sleeping and therefore going a bit potty because of breastfeeding then you’re right, stopping might allow her to catch up at night. However it’s only been 2 weeks. How did she get this bad in 2 weeks?

BrutusMcDogface · 05/07/2018 22:52

You don't sound supportive at all. Talk to your poor wife and find out how she's really feeling. Don't come up with "solutions" all by yourself.

Original poster

PanickyBrum1 · 05/07/2018 22:53

Sorry I didn’t mean it like that. I’m kind of shattered myself to be honest and doing my best here.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 22:53

I guess I just freaked out that she was so hot and sleepy

Babies sleep a lot, and it’s a hot day. Are you going to check in with the doctor to rule out any of this being more about your anxiety than her incompetence?

HeGotManFlu · 05/07/2018 22:53

I think you could both do with some support, it's a massive new change for you both, do see if your mum can pop over. I don't understand your comment about bottle feeding, if baby is being breastfed quite happily why change anything.

TammySwansonTwo · 05/07/2018 22:54

I’m contemplating switching to bottle feeding so I can share some of the burden

With respect, that’s really not your decision. If your wife is set on breastfeeding then trying to stop her doing that could be very damaging to their bond and your relationship.

When her supply is established then could might want to consider pumping, or combi feeding so you can share the load a bit. If she’s doing all the night wake ups because she’s breastfeeding she will be suffering sleep deprivation that is impossible to comprehend if you haven’t experienced it.

Did you talk to her about the over heating? You need to be able to talk about things, just avoid being accusatory. When my babies were born I didn’t have a bloody clue what they needed to wear, it’s only because we were in nicu that I was told they needed a vest under their sleepsuit (it was September so not the depths of winter).

If she’s struggling with things like this she can ask the health visitor to come round for a chat.

The dummy is a non issue - maybe she was trying it to see if it would help calm the baby, maybe the baby couldn’t find their thumb reliably, etc. She’s learning how to take care of a new human which is extremely difficult - doesn’t sound to me like she’s doing anything overly concerning.

DuchyDuke · 05/07/2018 22:54

Some people are just thick and do things because they are stupid - woolly socks and knickers over a nappy is one of these things. Might not have anything to do with fatigue. Suggest you talk to your wife about this and secretly take all of baby’s socks with you to work.

Takfujimoto · 05/07/2018 22:54

I remember with my first I got fixated on whether baby was too cold or too hot and it drove me mad as it really was drummed into me by older females from my family to make sure baby was never cold and to make sure they were covered etc.

I wouldn't be concerned about the dummy, general rule in this heat for a newborn is a vest and light blanket or large muslin so long as the skin isn't mottled or sweating.

Newborns are very sleepy btw, I still have to strip down my two year old to perk him up for a beaker of milk if he's warm or tired so that's not so unusual.

Don't critique her or use negative language it isn't helpful and can cause resentment or exasperated low mood which is due to hormones regulating again after birth, this can take months!
I found it helpful to look up NHS recommendations and read them out which gives credence to the information and makes it look like you weren't too sure either which made my husband more willing to listen and accept advice.

Remember that we all make lots of little mistakes with the first ( 2nd, 3rd etc 😉) because it's not all instinct driven and it's human to do so.

Good luck and congratulations!

Brunsdon1 · 05/07/2018 22:54

OP talk to your wife before inviting your mother....and do not make any changes to feeding options without consult ( I repeat consult not you telling) with your wife

The temp thing is worrying and genuinely all power to you for trying to deal with it

Walk a very very careful line....you do not get to make arbitrary decisions unless safety related ( too many clothes in this heat yes fine....dummy no speak to your wife and make the decision together)

If Exdh had done several of the things you mention he would have been Exdh straight after the birth

She's exhausted and has been though a change few can truly understand

Be a great dad to the babe and keep her safe and happy but DO NOT RUN roughshod and start making arbitrary decisions

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 22:54

Sorry I didn’t mean it like that. I’m kind of shattered myself to be honest and doing my best here.

What do you mean by doing your best?

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 05/07/2018 22:56

Dh and I had a rule - we can only criticise each other's parenting if we reasonably feel that the safety of one of our children is at risk. Otherwise, put up and shut up. This rule has worked really well for us and, in your case, would mean discussing your concern that the baby was over-heated but making no comment about the dummy, We were both nervous new parents and this rule probably saved our marriage!!

Your comments about I'm contemplating switching to bottle feeding and getting your mum to stay are making me nervous about where your concern is coming from though...

Imchlibob · 05/07/2018 22:58

A baby needs more layers than an adult as they have a very different surface area to body volume ratio, and dummy vs thumb is really not a big deal. Are those the only examples you have or is there more? Do you have any reason to suspect PND? Is your wife within the typical range of intelligence and capable of absorbing information and acting on it?

There is insufficient info in your OP to work out whether to advise you how to get help for a woman who is struggling or whether your are some kind of control freak.

With your baby just 2.5 weeks old, she and your wife could be still under the care of community midwives or could gave been handed over to the health visitor team - either way there will be a helpline number which you can talk to and hopefully get advice.

BigCarrot · 05/07/2018 22:58

I'm contemplating switching to bottle feeding so I can share some of the burden'

I don't think that's your choice to make. Don't take a mothers right to bf away from her!

It sounds like you care but not everyone gives birth and knows exactly what to do and when. The information you're given while sat there like a zombie after a difficult birth and being sleep deprived is overwhelming. It takes a while for your better judgement to kick in. I will say the same to you as I say to my husband when he makes suggestions and criticisms- take him for the day and see how many 'mistakes' you make.

Yes she shouldn't have overdressed the baby but maybe in that minefield of info it stuck in her head to keep them warm and the not too hot bit hadn't registered. I hardly think giving a dummy is cause for not trusting her with her baby. Perhaps she was not satisfied by her thumb, my son does both, sometimes the thumb does it for him sometimes he wants a dummy.

Sounds like she needs a bit of support not condemning.

Takfujimoto · 05/07/2018 23:00

Where is your DW's family op?

Your comment about deciding to bottle feed has put my back right up even if it wasn't meant in the way it's been conveyed.

Check your tone and attitude before you speak to your dear wife who's vulnerable after just giving birth or you'll cause more stress and ruin the first few weeks with your newborn at home, she won't forget a transgression like that, trust me.

Cutyourshakehole · 05/07/2018 23:00

Verbena87 · 05/07/2018 23:03

Do not try and switch to bottle feeding so you can share the load.

My husband shared the load early days of breastfeeding by...

Doing all nappies when he was at home.

Taking baby for a walk in the sling when he woke early in the morning (before work sometimes) so I could get half an hour actual sleep.

Doing all cooking and housework.

Making sure I always had a clean muslin, drink, and snack handy.

Cutting up my dinner for me so I could eat one handed whilst feeding.

Original poster

PanickyBrum1 · 05/07/2018 23:04

I agree with all of you that she needs support and it was poorly phrased to say say ‘I’m thinking of switching to bottle feeding’. I probably am being a bit of a control freak to be fair and I regret posting now. She does genuinely get on really well with my mum and before we had the baby my wife said she would love her support, obviously we would talk about it first! I’m not just going to bring my mum round.

OP posts:

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