Don’t trust wife with baby

[PanickyBrum1]

I feel awful writing this and I love my wife to bits and think she’s amazing. But I’m really struggling to leave I the morning knowing it’s just her and our two and a half week old baby. I got home today and our little one was so over heated and my wife had put woolly socks and knickers over her nappy. She gave her a dummy today even though she’s a thumb sucker anyway so what’s the point???

I’ve see loads of threads about not trusting the dad with kids but in that case you can just not leave him with the kids, what can you do to improve your wife’s understanding without upsetting her???

Yeah you were - the OP had apologised for his turn of phrase over the breastfeeding comment and you still jumped on him stating Your tone is very off even if you think you’re the good guy.

He clearly is a good guy, it's why he's posting here asking for advice presumably. But the amount of posters eager to tell this guy he's an asshole for daring to suggest his wife might switch to bottle feeding or asking his mum to come and help are so fucking predictable.

And as for your comment about SIDS and formula feeding....

It's a big change for all of you, and it sounds like it was really difficult going back to work and leaving the baby.

If you think you're over-anxious, have a word with the midwife or GP - sometimes fathers can need help with the reaction to new parenthood.

You sound nice. My dh got changed of clothes sorted by the changing mat for me in the early days and as I was starving and sleepy he got snack baskets all over the house where I might breastfeed. Also flasks of tea. I really found it helpful:)

One additional layer above that of an adult if memory serves. So if you're in bed in a pair of pants then a short sleeved onesie vest, nappy and possibly a muslin as a blanket up to waist level would do the trick.

I'm going to err on the side of caution as my first baby was born in a heatwave like this. If you are concerned called the local midwife service. If the baby has been weighed this week and it's all good then chill out a bit. But hide the hats and socks yes? They feed all the time and it is shattering. It's normal. Beware the baby that feeds all the time but isn't putting on steady small weight gain though.

What can you do? Nappies, keep your wife watered and fed. Enable sleep, don't invite the world and it's wife around to watch the footie on Saturday because you can't go out and it's "no trouble". Unless of course she is vaguely up for seeing friends and you epitomise Mrs Mop and will sort all the snacks, house cleaning or whatever she would usually do to make guests feel welcome. Bring her breakfast in bed after the first morning feed so she can drift off for 30-60 more minutes and feel vaguely human and energised when she wakes. Have low expectations - it's all about keeping the baby alive, just don't make life harder for yourselves. Just be kind. To her and to yourself.

If the baby is dropping weight and the midwife is concerned I recommend you do the midnight or 2am feed when your wife will be at her lowest point. You can buy ready mixed teeny bottles with teats all good to go. Saved my sanity twice.

Well done George for caring enough to post. Some people have been pretty vicious, but ignore them and take what advice you think would work for you family. Feeding is not the only area you can help out, don’t forget you wife GAVE BIRTH just 2 weeks ago, so if all she has done wrong is put socks on the baby and given her a dummy she is doing well 😁!! Don’t forget you can help massively by helping her as much as doing stuff for the baby, especially as she is BFing.

Bring home ready meals, get a take away, run her a bath, bring her a drink when she is feeding ( I didn’t do it for long, but man you work up a thirst!), do some housework. I can see you only have her and the baby’s best interest at heart.

As for being a control freak, sorry to break it to you but now you have a baby you really are going have to let that go. I found the chaos hard to manage, as I liked everything just so, but 12 years after 8 had my DD I can truly say I am now over it, as the state of my house will attest!

Gently does it, your (both of you) world has been turned upside down in the best possible way and it will take some getting used to! Don’t be put off posting on here by some of the remarks. The fact you are asking for help speaks for itself, you can’t be all bad! 😉

To give an update, (baby woke up again for ANOTHER feed, so all 3 very much awake) I decided to stop being so ‘mumsnetty’ and just say “I really don’t think she needs to wear more than a vest at the moment”

“No” said my wife

“Did you sterilise that dummy?”

“Oh shit!”

“Can I just throw it away?” I asked,

“I guess”

She’s now feeding her and sleeping at the same time now, which is pretty impressive and all three of us are much happier. And possibly the lesson learned is to just calmly talk about things rather than assume death and divorce are imminent.

I had a wee paddy basically.

Ah it'll be fine George (btw, make sure your username isn't your actual name). You are a couple with a new baby. everything feels so so important, but keep talking together and it will be easier.

There really are some horrible people on mumsnet, I'd like to think it's just people being keyboard warriors instead of actually accepting that there are truly people like this bringing up our future generation.

OP, congratulations on new baby, first 2-3 months are draining and also very worrying, I was actually was so worried i didn't enjoy this time too much. However, rest assured we've all done questionable things in the beginning and it's all a learning curve. I'm with you on the bottle feeding, husband suggested we do half and half but we just ended up doing one night feed with formula, for us it worked amazingly and I was a lot happier.

Be easy on your wife (but I'm sure you don't need to be told this), it's a hell of a new job to take on but also don't hesitate to let her know if she does something that you find particularly worrying. I cannot imagine having to go back to work after a couple of weeks with a new baby at home. You are just as important as mum and if you're worried a gentle talk can't hurt if it puts you mind at ease.

Good luck and enjoy!

I'd have appreciated my H doing the cooking and cleaning and getting me drinks without my having to ask, really letting me just sit/lay with my newborn and rest.

Oh yes, this would have been amazing. With both mine, bf became much easier at around 6 or 7 weeks. Up until then I felt like all I did all day and night was feed and try and get the latch right. But then, things got so much better and easier. So great not to have to sterilise bottles or take all that stuff with you when you go out. And it's not only good for baby, it's good for the mother's health too. 2.5 weeks is still really, really early.

And on the dummy, I honestly think it's also a bit early to say if they're a thumb sucker or dummy user at 2.5 weeks. Nothing is set in stone yet. I was desperate for DD2 to thumb suck or take a dummy as she had reflux (plus it's known to reduce sids risk) and she used to tease me by temporarily thumb sucking for a few days or taking a dummy for a little before spitting it out. We tried 6 different brands of dummy! Honestly, things like that can change so quickly in the first weeks & months. It will all work out in the end though. But if you'd really prefer no dummy, have a talk to your wife, figure out why she tried it, both air your views and agree a plan. Pick a time when she's well rested though......

Hope all 3 of you have a good night.

Oh George. 🤦‍♀️ You keep trying your best but imna warm you... wee paddy won’t go down well here! 😬

Careful with the dummy. Your wife felt Dd needed it - don’t undermine her, it’s only a dummy.

But while your posts are clumsy your heart is obviously in the right place. This is a sweet thread.

Best wishes to the 3 of you, you'll be absolutely fine!

The best help is by doing most of the boring stuff like shopping, cooking, a tidy up and doing a load of washing.

You can also do the nappy changing, holding/walking with/rocking your gorgeous baby so you wife can have a shower, lie down, have a nap etc etc.

It will all get to be a bit easier in time. The first 6/8 weeks are really hard esp in this hot weather. Hope your wife is also drinking loads of water/drinks so she's well hydrated while breast feeding.

Cross post. Love the update OP. You sound like a lovely little family . It gets easier, honestly. And congratulations.

I think everyone freaks out slightly, or even lotsly, when they have a newborn. Try to be kind to and patient with each other as much as possible. You’ll both make mistakes, but try not to go overboard when you do. Just...you know...calm the fuck down

Newborns take a while to settle down. Not sure why you fixated so much on the dummy. They sometimes really help especially with breastfeeding mums whose babies feed constantly for the comfort rather than milk. You cannot say a 2 and a half week old is a thumb sucker. They have no hand control at that age so most of the time only find their thumb by accident.

Help out by changing nappies, doing jobs around the house, holding the baby if she does not want to be put down. Re the heat, yes the weather is hot so making sure your baby is not overheated is a good idea. no socks needed in this weather.

Ah, first one truly is terrifying. I gave mine a dummy in the hope of settling her, didn't realize you had to keep sterilising them after the first time!

I don't think anyone has mentioned it but there's a growth spurt around two weeks when cluster feeding might kick in. There's another at 4 weeks and 6 weeks but then supply will be settled and things will start to improve.

You're covered by the community midwives uptown 4 weeks and I bet the health visitor has been in touch. Do give them a call for advice if you are worried about anything.

The 3 of you are in this together, your wife is just as lost/worried as you are!
I think it’s perfectly normal that your worrying - it’s only been 2 weeks!
I think your getting a bit of a hard time regarding the BF comment - it is hard and during those first few weeks it can put a massive pressure on the Mum to do it - it’s not unheard of to want to ease this by suggesting moving to bottle feeding. Talk to her about it. Support her in her decisions, at the end of the day you both have to do what works best for you as a family.

She’s likely to be exhausted, emotional, sore and still in the post birth haze which honestly can be really horrible and she may feel totally “out of it” - I wasn’t even on the planet for about a month post birth, It was a really overwhelming and unsettling time. I felt really disconnected and as if I was on another planet for a good few weeks which was such a horrible feeling.

Things will settle down - just keep talking to each other, do whatever it takes to make life easy - stay in when you can, have a day in your PJs the 3 of you with no visitors- give your wife an hour to herself to have a shower/sleep/go for a walk.

Your doing fine. X

Re the dummy, I was sure mine would never have a dummy, but dd1 needed to suck to sleep. If that was on me then she woke up vomiting up all the milk she didn't need! I ended up in desperation at the all night asda looking at dummy teats and peering down my top to see which ones were most like my nipples!!

As a result all 3 of mine had dummies, we all got some sleep, and they all have them up as toddlers. I've often said I wish there was something I could put in MY mouth that made me feel happy/better and didn't give me cancer/ liver cirrhosis. Not meant to be critical, just...do what you need to do to stay sane!

You sound like an invested dad, and that's great! But sometimes you need to wing it! All the best!

I had a wee paddy basically.

Ah, the panic generated by being tasked with keeping a brand new human being alive! - I remember it so well

How much time have the 3 of you had together to get to know each other and bond, and for you and your DW to come to terms with your forever-changed roles?
This is scary shit and rather than not trusting your wife, be there if you can.

Wrt sterilising/dummy vs thumb/FF vs BFing - do whatever keeps your new DD happy. Just for the record, when my DS2 was born 9 weeks prematurely 14 years ago, we were advised against sterilising bottles etc by the neonatal unit he spent 5 weeks in. Nought wrong with exposure to normal environmental germs, we were told (bottles don't get sterilised in the States either, apparently).

So, chill.
Trust your baby to be designed for survival.
You both sound engaged and motivated, loving parents.
All will be well

Babies get cold sometimes even when it's hot. Especially in the hands and feet. Dummy's and breastfeeding reduce the risk of cot death. You're making up problems where there aren't any. Just focus on the positives, she needs to be told she's doing a good job. She just created and now sustaining a tiny human all from her body. Also dummy's don't need to be sterilised every time, just suck it.

Just to clear up previous posters advice....Babies hands and feet will always feel colder it's really normal and that's why professionals say do not check a babies hands and feet to test how warm they are. Test their core body ( back, tummy and back of there should never be any dampness. also PLEASE don't take the advice to suck their dummies clean. Really outdated advice anything going into their mouths need to be sterilised. Never clean a dummy with your own mouth.

Talking to each other is the most important thing you can do throughout all this. In this situation all you need to say is “I think she looks a bit hot, what do you reckon? - it doesn’t have to be a row.

Also, you obviously can’t help with breastfeeding but there are so many things you can do to help share the mental load of having a baby. Know when their appointments are, know what clothes they wear / what size / what they’re outgrowing and what needs replacing, if she’s on any medication know how to give it and how much and how often... basically, make sure there are no areas of basic childcare where you’re clueless and your wife is entirely responsible as that causes a lot of additional stress. It’s still such early days and you both have lots to figure out. Just support each other, all hands on deck and check in with each other often and you’ll be fine :)

Also, it didn’t really matter that the dummy wasn’t sterilised.

If dummies seem like they help, get a cold water steriliser - wondrous things. Chuck the dummies in with fresh water and a sterilising tablet, they’re sterile in 15 mins. They stay sterile in there up to 24 hours (although if you add new items you then have to wait the 15 mins again). After 24 hours you just empty it and repeat.

You can also chuck teething toys, plastic toys etc in there, along with bottles and pump parts if you she ever goes down that route.

I wouldn’t panic about a dummy not having being sterilised though - your wife’s boobs aren’t sterile either! Just sterilise them as much as possible, but forgetting occasionally isn’t the end of the world :)

What a lovely update OP 🙂

It's just so hard at first, you're both shattered and trying to figure out this new little person

Sounds like you're both doing really well though

Enjoy all the snuggles!

Any chance you could say "had a tantrum" or "got a bit upset" instead of "had a wee paddy" op? It's racist, and based on a derogatory lazy stereotype.