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Original poster

Don’t trust wife with baby

89 replies

PanickyBrum1 · 05/07/2018 22:30

I feel awful writing this and I love my wife to bits and think she’s amazing. But I’m really struggling to leave I the morning knowing it’s just her and our two and a half week old baby. I got home today and our little one was so over heated and my wife had put woolly socks and knickers over her nappy. She gave her a dummy today even though she’s a thumb sucker anyway so what’s the point???

I’ve see loads of threads about not trusting the dad with kids but in that case you can just not leave him with the kids, what can you do to improve your wife’s understanding without upsetting her???

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 05/07/2018 23:05

We don’t use a dummy mainly because we didn’t feel the need, but it isn’t a problem and in fact reduces the risk of cot death.

The overheating thing is an issue but if it was a one-off I don’t think it’s a problem.

If your wife seems to be really struggling, talk to her gently about contacting the midwife.

Haudyerwheesht · 05/07/2018 23:06

It’s hard to take tone wtf in posts but what I’m finding more worrying than socks and a dummy is that your wife has no contact with her family and you seem to be quite critical and controlling.

Verbena87 · 05/07/2018 23:07

(Also, new parenthood is nuts. It gets easier. You’ll all 3 be fine. Keep talking to each other and keep being kind. ‘All fed and nobody dead’ is a good yardstick to measure success by in the early days!!)

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 23:07

I probably am being a bit of a control freak to be fair and I regret posting now.

Why regret it? Why not be grateful that you did and it flagged up your slightly unreasonable behaviour before you acted on it and caused issues in your relationship?

Dad’s are allowed to get it wrong too. Better to get it wrong here than with your dw. Get some sleep!

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 05/07/2018 23:12

Helpful phrases: “I think she’s warmed up now, ok with you if I take her socks off?”
“When you dress her how do you decide what to put her in? I never know how many layers” “oh hey, I found this thing online with some more info on what they should wear in all this heat”

Keep it light, keep it non-confrontational, bear in mind there isn’t a single right answer. And remember you’re not the one being hit with a shit-ton of hormones so apologising even if actually you don’t think you were wrong can be helpful for the next year month or so.

Original poster
PanickyBrum1 · 05/07/2018 23:12

Thanks I’m going to go to bed now, although my daughter has fallen asleep on my neck so I’m sort of wearing her as a scarf at the moment which is actually quite comfy.

OP posts:
Ineedacupofteadesperately · 05/07/2018 23:12

Second verbena - there are lots of other ways to share the load which verbena usefully listed, plus if you interfere with establishing bf now then your wife may struggle to produce enough milk. Bf, after the hard bit of establishing supply and both baby and mum learning what they're doing is easier, quicker and definitely cheaper than bottles. No sterilising! So you actually could be increasing her load long term.

TammySwansonTwo · 05/07/2018 23:13

Don’t regret it at all! Much better to get responses here than upset your wife!

Having a new baby who you’re responsible for is FUCKING TERRIFYING. If you’re out at work all day then she’s bearing the brunt of that. No one warned me about the anxiety or the guilt I feel about everything in the world. If you’ve only gone back to work this week she’s probably feeling really overwhelmed.

Best thing you can do is make her her favourite drink / snack, sit down and ask her how it’s going, how she’s feeling, is there anything she needs from you. Don’t be alarmed if she cries. I spent much of the first few months in tears thinking I was doing a terrible job but happy to report my twins have survived so far ;)

This weekend, suggest that she stays in bed with the baby if she wants to while you sort out the housework, bring drinks and snacks, run her a nice bath or give her time for a leisurely shower. Take the baby for a walk so she can have a nap.

Fevs · 05/07/2018 23:14

@nottakenusername I read him just trying his best as he’s either just trying his best to explain it all on here but he’s shattered so it may not make sense OR he’s just trying his best at home. Either way some of these comments are way too harsh!

OP - I would just have a chat with your wife. Try not to sound like you’re judging or complaining about anything but include your worries in a general chat about your baby and stuff you’re both dealing with/worries about.

I think you suggesting you could help with the feeding is great to hear! Of course this is something that your wife needs to make a decision on but the fact that you’re willing to take on feeds so she can sleep more to me is an act of love rather than anything more sinister as suggested on here.
I agree to speaking to her too about your Mum staying before you arrange that. She may relish the opportunity but if she doesn’t and your mum suddenly turns up that would cause a whole load of problems.
The first 3 months with your first baby are completely insane though so don’t panic.
Good luck!

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 05/07/2018 23:15

I think sometimes anxiety can manifest as wanting control... somehow that can assuage anxiety. And most, if not all first time parents are anxious. Well done for recognising that you were being a bit of a control freak and good luck! I'm sure that you will both do great!

CocoDeMoll · 05/07/2018 23:16

This whole post has just got my back up really. Your tone is very off even if you think you’re the good guy.

As for the breastfeeding comment... if you’re so concerned about SIDS (which is what overheating lead to) why even contemplate formula feeding which is proven to up the risk as well?

ReanimatedSGB · 05/07/2018 23:18

Before the baby was born, did you see your wife as a competent adult who could make decisions by herself? Or were you always the ruler of the household?
Life with your first newborn is frightening and exhausting, but it also dials up any problems that were already there in the couple-relationship. if you 'love' your wife but have always believed on some level that she 'couldn't manage without you' or 'doesn't need to worry her pretty little head about that' then this might explain why you are a) anxious about the baby and b) incapable of understanding that your wife needs support rather than orders from you.

3boys3dogshelp · 05/07/2018 23:19

I agree with PP - don’t even suggest stopping BF if your DW hasn’t mentioned it. DO do a couple of nights over the weekend of doing absolutely everything else (get baby bathed and in bed, lift baby out of bed and pass to DW, wind, change, settle back to sleep, get up in the morning and keep out of earshot for as long as possible). A few hours of truly unbroken sleep can make a massive difference. Then maybe have a night off where your DW let’s you sleep all night (although still have the baby in the evening after work before bed). When DH and I were anxious new parents we would both do everything and it was exhausting! Best of luck, it’s such early days and it will all settle down.

freecoffeeforyou · 05/07/2018 23:19

Odfod @CocoDeMoll ,FF is not an evil thing.

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 23:20

Sleep well. Exhaustion feeds anxiety and a good nights sleep is worth an awful lot. Flowers

CocoDeMoll · 05/07/2018 23:20

I know it’s not evil!! But the facts remain...

Original poster
PanickyBrum1 · 05/07/2018 23:21

Thanks for the reassurance from the many nice people with constructive comments or even constructive criticism, the weekend plan is a great idea...

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 05/07/2018 23:21

This whole post has just got my back up really. Your tone is very off even if you think you’re the good guy.

As for the breastfeeding comment... if you’re so concerned about SIDS (which is what overheating lead to) why even contemplate formula feeding which is proven to up the risk as well?

What a marvellous way to kick a new father when he's showing concern. Fucking shit post...

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 05/07/2018 23:23

While I applaud your desire to be involved, in another who bristled at the "I'M thinking of switching to bottle feeding" comment. If my DH had suggested that to me ( and the way you put it sounds like more than a suggestion) I would have been very upset, to put it mildly!

Being supportive is great. Constructive is fine. Critical is not. When I had my first I felt like a bomb had gone off in my life! DH suffered some collateral damage, but could go back to work and have a semblance of normality. For me, my whole life was turned on its head. Support was great, but criticism would have destroyed me. I was so insecure and worried about everything. Whatever you think it feel you have to say to your wife, please be kind. The first few weeks are hardest, we are all trying to find out way.

P.s. Mine are now 14, 13 and 10 and still alive!!!

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 05/07/2018 23:23

And if your wife agrees, the idea of getting your mum over is a good one. After all, she's done all this before & you survived! I'd have loved my MIL over on a regular basis when both mine were little, she's fab, but sadly lives too far away. Take all the help you can get.

It must really be tough having a newborn in this heat. Might be worth looking to see what the advice to new parents is in hotter climes as I remember during hot days when DD2 was about 6 months being frustrated that all th Uk advice was a room temp of 16-20 and thinking that human beings did evolve in Africa, so that temp range can't be absolutely essential....

CocoDeMoll · 05/07/2018 23:26

I’m not kicking anyone. I’d have hated to have had my confidence in my own body’s abilities knocked by someone making the decision (not discussing as it wasn’t phrased that way) that I wasn’t up to providing milk for my newborn.

Cutyourshakehole · 05/07/2018 23:28

@cocodemoll
Stupid post

Verbena87 · 05/07/2018 23:28

Hope you all get some sleep OP (and yes, sleepy newborn worn on neck/shoulder is one of life’s greatest joys. Be sure to sniff her scalp for maximum bliss)

JohnHunter · 05/07/2018 23:31

Two pages later and people are still harping on about the breastfeeding comment, which the OP has explained was poorly phrased and only considered as a means of supporting his wife.

@georgecochrane - I know that it's rubbish and difficult to only be able to help so much because breastfeeding necessarily puts much of the burden on your wife. Are you just uncertain about some of your wife's parenting decisions or are you worried about her behaviour in general? If the former then you will work things out together - kids are resilient and will bounce back from initial parenting "mistakes". If you are worried about postpartum depression/psychosis (you sound very concerned, which makes me wonder if there is more to this than just putting the baby in socks) then please speak to her and let the health visitor know that you are worried. Otherwise try to relax and make things easier for your wife rather than ramping up the anxiety!

SarcasticFringehead · 05/07/2018 23:32

Seconding cupoftea and others re the BFing - don't suggest she stop/combine - soon it will be less tiring and MUCH easier than bottle-feeding and all that faff - but what you CAN do to take the burden off, do - I'd have appreciated my H doing the cooking and cleaning and getting me drinks without my having to ask, really letting me just sit/lay with my newborn and rest.

I think you wrote rushed but your heart is in the right place, do please stay for support here.

And many congratulations on your new baby. Enjoy.