first time parent in shock

[Ettenna]

OK I know that it's naive and laughable but I truly had NO idea just how utterly knackering having a new baby is!!! I feel like the walking dead and I can't believe that there's months to go before it gets easier! My little boy is absolutely gorgeous and I love him to bits (born March 19th) but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the 24/7 nature of caring for him. Did/does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone got any pearls of wisdom about coping on almost no sleep for weeks on end? I have this awful fear that I'm going to just literally conk out one day and DS will be left screaming with a comatose mummy next to him!

(Those of you with twins or more - respect!)

Are your near any family/friends who can help? It is knackering, but it does get better (and will get better sooner than you think in some ways). Take all the help you can get and sleep while you can. Does he nap in his cot? Or can you take him to bed with you to nap? Daytime naps (for me) really saved my sanity in the first months.

I was exactly like this. I remember crying hysterically at about 3am when ds was 5 days old say I couldn't do, and that I wish I had never had him .

Of course I didn't mean it at all. But it was absolutely awful for a t least the first 3 weeks, and then it began to get better as soon as he only woke for 1 or 2 feeds a night (not very hour).

By the time he was 6 weeks it kind of settled down into a bit of a routine, and by 3 months I was actually enjoying it.

Don't worry - it will get better - honestly!

don't worry - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I actually rang several friends after I had my first and apologised for not realising how hard it is. not sure I am a huge guru, but if you can cat nap in the day, do it, and stuff everything else. If you can feed lying down, if you are BF that is a godsend, as you can snooze at the same time. Does your DP help? Mine used to send me to the spare room at the weekends, and bring bubs in for feeds and then take him away again. (only with the first though!) Sending you a big hug - it does get better I promise - esp when they start to interact more with you.

hi ettenna yes i definitely remember feeling that way altho it was nearly 2years ago. until dd was a couple of months old i rarely got out of my dressing gown until after lunchtime unless we were going out somewhere.

i remember saying to dp sod the housework, just do what it takes to make it look presentable "hush dust and cobwebs, housework go to sleep, i'm loving my baby and babies don't keep" . you will catch up on it so don't worry too much - not that we lived in a dirty house, it was clean and comfortable if a little untidy.

accept all the help you can

freeze food in advance - tho we didn't it can be quite useful

It is soo hard. I remember I just kept saying, "but this is relentless...!". I also couldn't believe how messy our flat was and of course, it wasn't ds that was making it all!!!

Take whatever rest you can. Sleep when you can, sit down when you can and get help when you can. There are no brownie points to be had. I still think of the first few weeks as the car crash phase and they are just to be got through.

Congratulations though, and yes, it will get better.

I used to park dd in a carry cot beside the settee and doze in front of the telly.
You're doing great

Actually the real killer was the lack of sleep.

My absolute saviour was going to bed about 9pm, while dp stayed up to feed ds (he was cluster feeding at that point)and ds came to bed at 11ish. I would then get up to do the next feeds.

And every few weeks or so, I slept in the spare room, with earplugs, when ds had a day off the next day, and let dp have sole responsibility for ds over night. It was bliss!!!!!!

I got told off by two friends recently who have just had their first for not teling them how "dark" the first weeks are.

My reply to both was:

a) I did

b) why would I dwell on the negative, you are just about to have your first longed for child

c) I did

d) I did

It gets better, I promise.

xx

Not laughable or niave at all - I don't think anyone could ever prepare you for parenthood...

My top tips, fwiw, duplicate everyone else's

1. SLEEP whenever you can - ignore the housework/tea etc - EVERYTHING feels better if you can up your shut-eye quota
2. It will get easier ... (not ALL easy, but it will get easier!) It feels like forever, but you look back on it + it's no time.
3. Take/ask for help. I felt I had to 'prove' I was coping with ds (my first) - would cook cakes if PIL coming down/rush round tidying up - with dd (second) I told them what food I wanted them to bring/showed them the ironing pile !! Often, people are delighted to help but don't know what to do - make the most of that

Congratulations, btw - dd shares a birthday with your ds - great day to be born

thanks for the tips; i think maybe I'm trying to do too much on my own. DH sleeping on the sofa and totally uninvolved with feeding (my idea). Don't have nearby family or close friends (moved to new area not long ago).
Question: does anyone have any opinions on whether breastfeeding makes life harder in the early weeks?

Gosh he's only a month old, it won't stay this hard for much longer. Give it another month and I guess he will be a different baby!

Not naive nor laughable. Nobody tells you its so hard do they. But many do it again and again because the worst bit doesn't last long. It may be in days or weeks - you never can tell - but it will get better.
Accept whatever support you can from family/friends - especially if it involves watching your LO for a couple of hours or taking him out for a walk. Eat regularly, drink loads of water and sleep whenever the opprtunity arises.
Don't bother with housework,do shopping on the internet & don't get dressed if you can't be arsed.
(I shall save this advice to remind myself when No.3 arrives later this year )
Good luck -

I think BFing makes itr easier!! You don't have bottles to clean, then waiting for steriliser, then making up that half gets thrwon away cos they fall asleep through it...just pop them on your boob and you're away..

Like someone else said too, doze whilst feeding if you can ( as long as you're safe and not on a sofa or anywhere baby could overheat)

the first 6 weeks is a hideous blur of feeding, exhaustion, adjustment to the situation and sometimes, downright sheer terror not to mention how your fanjo feels !

but no-one tells you this , but even if they did, you woldn;t believe them !

it does get better ! and easier, and more fun, and often at the point you are about to lose it, your baby looks at you and smiles....and your heart melts and you can forgive being up all night !

suddenly not just being able to go the shops when you want, or go out to the cinema, or even go for a shower when you want, is a big change, but you will get there

follow the lead from your baby, don;t try and impose a routine, as once you think you have cracked it, they change it for you!

you;ll be fine !

BFing can be harder to start with, but gets MUCH easier later on. Especially when you want to go out - no bottles, no need to warm stuff up, just stick a nappy in your bag and off you go .

If you can crack the bfing while lying down (took us a while) it is great as you can doze off. How is the feeding going?

OMG bf makes things soooooo much easier in the early weeks IMO! - No bottles to make, heat, clean, sterilise etc, no getting up. I co-slept too. Plugged DS in & dozed - lots! Get Dh to wait on you hand, foot & finger - you deserve it!

Oooooh yes - I'm not laughing. I cried every night for the first month. 6 weeks was also a great turning point for me, it all just got easier, which I think was partly hormones subsiding - hang onto that. Also getting out of the house helped a lot - going out every day (your DS will probably get used to sleeping in the pram/buggy - it's good to have a buggy that reclines properly) - visit all the attractions, galleries, zoo, parks, baby cinema etc whatever in your area, it will keep you awake and also help you sleep better when you do get a chance, if you've had fresh air (same goes for the baby).

Also involve DP if you can - try letting him give DS a bottle (can be expressed breast milk, get a pump if you want to try that, I found ISIS hand pump was great) and when they get the hang of it - which is great bonding for them - that's an extra snooze for you (or a night out when you feel up to it).

And respect to you too. It's not easy and you are doing better than you think you are!

I didn't realise it at the time, but I found BF made it harder cos they were using me to fall asleep on as well as feed. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I did BF (12 weeks with first, 10 with second) but both my children were more contented once I switched them onto full time formula. I will probably be lynched for saying so but this was my experience.

Oh I know Ettenna! It is soooo much harder than you think it will be but then you can't possibly imagine the joy of it before they come either! My ds is now just over 3 months. The tiredness is the killer though. You do get used to it I think. Mine didn't do naps at all which made it very tough. Like you I had my dp uninvolved with feeding and nights in general (unless we had a very bad night with lots of non feed related wakings). It made sense for one of us to have sleep! Thing was that that meant that he was awake enough to then give me time in the day. At weekends have your dh get up with the baby in the morning, bring him to you for a feed then let you sleep as long as possible. He can also take your ds out for a walk in the afternoon so you can nap (top tip, feed baby, change nappy, hand over and tell him to go out for 2 hours and not come back!)

oh your post made me smile Ettena!

there are little milestones along the way, 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, weaning - it changes all the time, emotions ebb and flow, ups and downs. BF can be really hard in the first few weeks IME, but once I'd cracked it it was fabulous. Took time, persistance and hardwork though. As I'm about to give up each time (done it 3 times so far) it comes good and there's no looking back.

these early days are so precious, do make sure you try to enjoy them through the haze!

and do what comes naturally, trust your instincts, drink him in, watch him sleeping, smell his head, don't get hung up on being told what to do, just take what advice you want and need and do what you feel is right.

ohh, my DC4 is due in 9 weeks, I'm all a bit emotional now - I can't wait for my newborn!!

Floating's idea is a good one - someone also told me to always restock when I got IN (eg if changed nappies etc) so the bag was alreadys ready by the door. Never really managed with with my first, but did with my second + it was one less thing to worry about...

B/f - think in the early weeks it can either make it harder or easier - depending on your/your lo's experience - for me it made things harder for the first week with ds, then easier for the next year , with dd it was much much harder for the first 2/3 weeks, then easier, then harder again later on - still absolutely the best decision I made to persevere, with both of them
How are you + ds finding feeding.

In terms of dh's invovlement ... as I was b/f (+ hated expressing)so all feeds were my job - but it was our policy that dh got up to get them, changed nappies + passed baby to me, so I didn't even have to get out of bed - I fed propped up in pillows (frequently fell asleep!) then popped babe back into bed. DH is a bit of a hero + I doubt many men get up for every night feed, but somehow just knowing that I wasn't doing it all on my own helped me, iykwim? I have lots of friends who made the 10.30ish feed a bottle one (either expressed or formula) so they could go to bed early.We didn't do this - so with ds, we both pretty much went to sleep when he did in the early days (8/9pm) and turned the ring down on the phone

I don't cope well with sleep exhaustion, and am sure I would have killed someone (myself, the baby, DH, anyone) if I hadn't coslept with my babies when they were small. I found it so much easier than getting out of bed. More sleep for everyone!

Ettenna - come and join us on the March postnatal thread
here