November 2014 - the one where they answer back.

[MrsAukerman]

New thread.
Hop aboard.

Oh anna how delicious! Glad it’s going well and hope DS is on the mend now?

ark I’m so sorry, come back and have a rant when you’re up to it. We’re all thinking of you.

I’m ok haven’t. Well, mostly. New job keeps me REALLY busy, I’m loving it but it’s full on. Trying not to get in the habit of working evenings and weekends but it’s really hard. For the last week DD has woken at 5 every morning, it’s only an hour/hour and a half earlier than normal but it is DESTROYING me. I’m so tired and grumpy. DP also has a new boss and is now working in his home office most evenings or out at late meetings so life just feels a bit of a treadmill right now. DD also definitely entering ‘terrible twos’ (hate that term despite being clearly accurate), she just says ‘no’ to everything. Pushes back on anything she’s asked to do and just generally a little rebel. It’s exhausting (on top of being exhausted). And yet I’m still broody as hell, why hormones why?? I’m knackered and skint and the toddler doesn’t sleep, why on earth do you want me to make life harder??

In an effort to get life under control Xmas plans are well under way, today is the last day of the argos 3 for 2 sale if anyone is interested, there is LOADS in it so some bargains to be had. I got her a George pig cuddly toy, a doll and a star wars Rey action figure (strong female role models and all that!). My mum got her a doll pushchair for her birthday and a scooter for xmas. She got the playhouse as an early birthday present and then I’ve got her a dolls house for Xmas. This seems like more than enough but there’s still people who want to buy for her, not sure what to tell them? Any ideas?

DH has just brought a puking DS downstairs - puking since Friday on and off. It's getting on a bit now, no? He still had diarrhoea last night too.

He's bright and happy in between tough and his appetite is there, albeit minimal and reduced to eggy bread and Cheerios.

Would a doctor even be able to do anything or do they just send you off with instructions for more fluids etc? Am a bit worried as it's Day 5. I may ring GP this morning and see what he says.

Anna, GP is probably a good idea, especially as you have little one around. They'll probably just say fluids, and sterilise anything and everything to kill off the bugs, but at least it'll be on record. Hope you had a better night with them both. X

I'd agree with that, poor ds. It's dragging on a bit. Would maybe stop all dairy and egg too for the time being until his gut is a bit recovered. Oh Anna, this is all you need! How are you feeling yourself?

anna congratulations on your beautiful baby. Hope your DS is better soon. A newborn and an ill toddler are each exhausting enough on their own, but combining the two must be a massive challenge. If I were you, I probably would take DS to the GP, but my nurse-head (often very different to my mummy-head!) would say that there is likely to be very little they can/ will do as long as he is tolerating enough fluids not to get dehydrated and is otherwise well. Don't worry if he doesn't want to eat at the moment as long as he drinks. Maybe see if he will drink some dioralyte if you can get hold of it.

I suspect on reading that it's rotavirus since it's going on this long. I'm ok and baby is ok but DH is very ropey, poor lad. And of course it's falling to him to take care of DS as I have a baby attached to me. He's back at work Thursday so hope DS can go to crèche by then!

Baby is being amazing. Much more relaxed than DS and a better sleeper already. Honestly, who knew I'd be saying that the newborn isn't the stressful part of this week!!

happy my nurse head is saying the same thing. I'll give them a buzz. The GP usually rings back himself and will advise you on the phone whether it's worth it to come in or not.

ark hope you are getting on OK.

DD has also taken to refusing to do many things I ask, but not really in terrible twos style as she says 'no thank you ' in a very adamant tone to all my requests!
Sleeping is going through another incredibly shit phase. She is not going to sleep until after 9pm and still waking up for hours in the night. She is driving me insane and I don't know what to do with her. I don't even know where to start, because leaving her to cry for long periods in the middle of the night is not an option because of DD1 and the neighbours...
This is the only upside of me having literally gone deaf, Her crying is not so loud to me. When I had a terrible cold a couple of weeks ago my ears got blocked and the chemist couldn't give me anything to unblock them because of breastfeeding, but my hearing is now significantly impaired and I'm fed up of it now. I often can't hear DH or DD speaking at a normal volume in the same room even a metre or two away, I can't hear the alarm on my phone in the morning though unfortunately I can still hear DD2 crying via the baby monitor at 1am, and it is making work very difficult. Surprisingly I have managed to get a GP appointment for tomorrow, but I don't know what they can do (or what happens if I can't hear what the doctor is saying!)

happy I can't believe that there's NOTHING you can take for a bad cold just because you're breastfeeding. An almost-2 year old is so different from a small baby and she's probably not even feeding that much? If you get sick again you really must take something. (I was gobbling nurofen cold and flu last christmas when I got flu and was still breastfeeding DD at that stage.)

So sorry to hear about DD's bad sleeping patch. I feel worried when I read your posts that you're not getting anywhere near enough sleep! So hard. Is it possible to take an annual leave aka sleeping day at all? Or would it be worth cutting DD's nap to something like 30 minutes (or even cutting it altogether) for a couple of weeks to see if that gets her to bed earlier?
It's probably teeth isn't it? My DD still has a few left to get.

ark hope you're OK too. Come and tell all whenever you're up to it.

Anna good plan to just call the GP and see what they say over the phone. Your poor DH back to work so soon, and with a tummy bug too. Not sure whereabouts in the country you are (feel free to PM if you don't want to say) but if I'm anywhere near and can help any time keep that in mind!

lady sorry to hear you're working so hard and it's all a treadmill at the minute.

Had a lovely day outside in the garden yesterday afternoon but in general I'm really dreading the onset of winter...it just goes on so fecking long over here. DD2 is great (if snotty) at the minute but it's only a matter of time before the seasonal illnessess strike isn't it? It can't be as bad as last year though that was hell

Eeee congrats anna !

Thanks for the support, feeling a bit... Lost? I don't know. The fucker has been gaslighting me for years. Not really sure where to go from here and not exactly feeling super enthusiastic and confident that I am cut out for this single mum buisness. It's very lonley and it's only been a week

Half star its the decongestant you can't have iin cold/flu remedies as can reduce/dry up milk supply.

Ds2 has had this viral throat/cold thing and has taken a liking to my bed, ds1 was never Ill and,when he was would want his own bed, how different two children can be.

We are Southerner's living in Midlands and ds2 has perfected a very northern "no" - thanks nursery

halfstar you are right that I clearly don't get enough sleep, but after 2years I no longer worry about it. I've not died of sleep deprivation yet so I will be fine! I don't know what DD's problem is. She doesn't appear to be teething, no dribbling or chewing on things or complaining. We wonder whether poor sleeping is just a habit or ingrained in her after nearly 2 years. Some days she won't nap either or will only nap for 30mins or less, but other days I wake her up after 1.5hrs because it is time to pick DD1 up from school or because I don't want her to sleep any longer. I don't know if naps make any difference to her sleep at night. I can't take any annual leave to catch up on sleep, because I have to use it all to cover the school holidays when we have no childcare for DD1, so I don't actually get a rest when I am on annual leave (and we have to book annual leave at least 3 months in advance at my work). Today is my day off work and DD2 is at nursery (this happens sometimes because I don't work set shifts but nursery is set days), but I can't go back to sleep because I won't hear the alarm and might not wake up in time for my doctor's appointment.
When we went to pick her up from nursery yesterday she was visiting the 2-3s room. Apparently they are going to move her up early, which I think is because of numbers in her room rather than her development, but she really enjoyed it and was happy in the older room and seems ready anyway.

Ex dropped a bombshell last night that he's looking at houses an hour and a half away. What the hell am I going to do? I don't want dd to be away overnight yet, we still co sleep and after 15 mins alone with him yesterday she was shouting for me. He has never taken her out on his own, EVER! He's never bathed her, he's never cooked her dinner, or even lunch! How is he going to look after Her on his own for any length of time.

Ark if he hasnt bothered to take care of DD when you all lived together why do you think he will want to care for her now that he will live miles away? It might just mean that he completely disappears from your lives?

Oh Ark, you are going through the mill.

Earlier, you were wondering what it would be like to be a single parent. But, from your most recent post, it sounds like you have in reality been a single parent from the start. You haven't had the support of a partner in raising dd if your ex has never taken responsibility for her basic needs. In fact, you may find it easier when your ex is out of your life as you won't have to look after him, or his moods, as well as yourself and dd.

I can see how hard it is for you at the moment, but you will get to the point where a cloud will lift and you will realise how much emotional energy he drained from you, and you'll breathe a sigh of relief that you don't have to care about him anymore. You owe him nothing.
X

I so badly don't want him to be the dad that doesn't bother, I don't know why. Im struggling to believe that he's as much of an arsehole as he actually is. Again I don't know why. I've spent certainly the last 5 years defending him and making excuses for him and his behaviour. It's hard to stop and it's hard to realise that actually he's not who I wanted him to be.

Yes, my cynical side says that no man who wants a consistent frequent contact would consider moving that far away. It will become an excuse for very poor contact. Of course he'll deny that to the end of his days - in this narrative you have to be the difficult one, not him. But it effectively means limited contact going forward.

Remember too that the purpose of contact is not for the father, it's for the child. in other words the only person it should be suiting is her, not him. If that means that overnight visits would be in her detriment this point then you have a duty to only allow what is in her best interests. Because bluntly, he has no entitlement to see her in his own home. That doesn't exist. He can travel back for his visits if it's in her best interest.

You're so right Anna

It's all about dd not him. It's just sad that 3 months ago we were making plans for a second baby, a house, to get married and now? All gone, he's moving to the next county and im a single parent. I've barely eaten or slept in a week now, he has no idea how much he's destroyed me.

I never wanted this, I wanted to get married, have a family, have a lovely house and now it's all ruined. Feels like im going to be alone forever.

I will say though thank God you have DD. Cos I know you two have always been best pals. Let's face it, he was gonna eventually let you down. He was always hard work. You were doing a lot of placating and persuading.

So at least this way you got something out of it. A little pal for life. I know you're pretty young too - I didn't even start a family till 39. So you could have a whole second chapter down the road. And whilst small age gaps are cute, I'm rapidly learning they're tough and you need a LOT of hourly help. And he would have been as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Ark consider it a lucky escape. You could have been pregnant with a DC2 when the guy decided it wasnt working and he needed a fresh start and move away. Could have been so much more painful...
now as Anna rightly has pointed out you have a little pal for life and what you need to do is look after yourself if not because of yourself then because of DD. She needs a healthy and happy mum. You will have a family and house and everything, it just will be different to how you had planned it few months ago.

I'm guessing you don't want him to be a remote dad because his behaviour then would only highlight what a significant investment you put into someone who in reality, isn't worth it. That could be quite damaging to your own self esteem, if it is low already, and the last thing you need is another knock.
Try to turn it around in your mind. Remind yourself what a fantastically loving person you must be to be able to give so much of yourself (and one day you'll find a worthy recipient and partner). Right now, the people that need that love the most are you and dd. So look after yourself.
Ark, to me, you've always come across as warm, funny, loving, practical and so bloody strong. You are brave and we're with you. X

porsmork you're bang on and I think that's why him telling me he's moving away has been so devastating. I gave him so much of myself and it still wasn't ever good enough. Yet if he's meant to be this wonderful dad I have in my head why is he massively letting dd down by moving away. I have made so many excuses for him, to my friends, parents, family because I wanted them to see this wonderful man that I had in my head. Which now doesn't exist.

I have no confidence left in myself, I doubt everything I say and do and it's quite debilitating. Im not sure how I can start to rebuild that or if it just has to happen in time.
Gaslighting is so damaging, I've got 7 years of it to undo. Not to mention my violent relationship I had before him that I never really recovered from before I met ex.
It's dd that matters now though, I am her whole world, he has never been a constant in her life and that can only be a good thing right now.

Somewhere Im sure I have it in me to be confident and happy, im just not sure where it got buried 10 years ago.

I really appreciate all the support from you girls. Im so grateful that I can come here to vent when I can't in real life. It's a shame we're all so spread out cause I could really do with an evening venting at the pub!

A night at the pub sounds good!

Urgh this constant cycle of ' I should be fighting to stay with him' then ' no I can do better and he's abusive' and then ' I really miss him and im so heartbroken' and then ' what the hell am I going to do on my own, im utterly terrified' is so exhausting.

I wish I could fast forward and know im happy and I've got my badly damaged confidence back but obviously I cant. Stupidly I need someone to tell me that I will be okay, that person I need is him. How do I break this?! I feel like im walking around in a fog

I hate the word 'should'. So many unjust obligations, guilt and expectations lined up in one word. Ignore what you feel you should feel, and take each day as it comes. Fast forward over crappy feelings would be lovely, but they are there for a reason. To force you to slow down, take stock and process the shock. You'll get there.
Do you have any small treats lined up to take your mind off things? How is the new house? X