June 2013 - the terrible twos aren't so terrible

[Biscuitswithtea]

Here goes with a new thread!

I've had to basically change career in order to be able to work within school hours. And it's only just starting so no idea if it'll be long term or even be successful - but it was that or not see Joe at all in any meaningful sense during the week. Also his school doesn't offer wrap-around care and after-school clubs only start in Form 1 (and then till 430pm max) so it'd be a bloody pricey nanny to fill in.

We just don't have any family to help. M's parents don't/can't and obvs all mine are in Australia.

Massive drop in pay, too. Gamble, gamble.

We have an after school club place at a private run scheme, obviously well before we have a confirmed school place. Our chosen school has wrap around but it's so limited it's unlikely to come up before year three! I don't want her in after school club every day but I think it's ok a couple of days. We each have a day off in the week and will keep it until Juno is in school and even then will just do an extra half day so we can still do the pick up.

One thing I've learnt from parents with older children is that an awful lot of people don't work. I assume everyone does as I only know two people online and two IRL who don't. But I'm told that actually lots of parents don't and I guess that makes sense as why would you work at a considerable loss to pay nursery fees etc. I understand that a lot of these parents would do after school care for not much money which could be an option!

I only know one parent who doesn't go out to work at all. Quite a few who only work 2days per week and 3 or 4 days is probably the norm (amongst the mothers anyway). We know a smattering of dads who work part time but basic economics (rather than basic sexism) rules this out for most families we know.

What we do see a lot of is a reliance on grandparents to help regularly with childcare. We don't have this option at all so we will perfect the complicated juggling act.

Even though childcare is extortionate for the next couple of years, I would rather keep working for the mid-long term benefits. Plus I feel it is a good role model for the children. That said, if my job was crap and made me unhappy, I would probably definitely say something quite different!

I know quite a few people here who don't work but that's to be expected given the 2 1/2hr nursery sessions (though a few are transferred from a local private nursery), and toddler group being the highlight of my week

I've always just fallen into jobs and have never really enjoyed them, mainly because I get stressed very easily. I have a degree and started off with ambition but quickly decided that I wanted as little responsibility as possible. With nursery fees and reduced hours we'd have been significantly out of pocket. So resigning was an easy decision for me. I think I can be a decent role model without working (I'm definitely a happier person!). Anyway, DD already seems set on becoming an astronaut!

We are very much out of pocket. We lose money by Sean working. But my mother never worked and I absolutely hated that. She was always there and I had no independence. I always thought it was such a waste and was determined that would never be my reality. I may well think differently if I wasn't the main earner and what I do envy people who don't have to work is that choice. But I think I would always chose to work. The idea of being financially dependent on another person is quite horrifying to me but I understand that that's quite normal to many. I'd be extremely disappointed if my daughters didn't work though I can see that's more about me than them.

My mother has always worked so that's all I knew (she wouldn't if she'd had a choice). Both of my grandmothers worked too so I'm a first in my family. I honestly don't care what my children do career-wise. I just want them to be decent people and to be happy and healthy.

Earning far less than my husband I've always been financially dependent in a way anyway.

Thinking about it more, I suppose it boils down to we are fortunate if we have some sort of choice about this stuff. And we all make choices based on what feels best (of what's available to us) for our own families.
That's a massive step forward from a generation or two ago, regardless of what we choose to do!

Oh, and financial dependency messes with my head. I have been, and to a degree, still am financially dependent on dh. Certainly if he lost his job tomorrow I don't currently earn enough to keep our roof over our heads. We have a fair wack of savings at the moment, but I would need to work full time if DH wasn't working.

For me it's about reaching my full potential. I'm capable of a lot more than I could possibly achieve by not working and I would feel like I'd let myself down by not working towards realising that. My parents discouraged education as girls don't need to work and I like to prove that was wrong daily. I like that my girls can say their mother was a senior government lawyer who did things which made a difference to the world around them. I like to hope I will be able to model behaviour that demonstrates that they can achieve anything they put their mind to if they work hard for it.

Everyone I know is financially dependant in so far as their houses need two incomes! I mean more that if your partner up and left could you survive? Most likely yes in so far as you have a job and earning capability etc. If I didn't work then I presumably would gradually become more unemployable as time went on and so it's harder to work again if circumstances change. That's the sort of thing I wouldn't want for my two. I get that some people are happy with that but I wouldn't be comfortable. I'd always be worried about the what ifs!

I've just gone back to work after maternity leave and getting a lot of people asking with concerned faces how I am, am I coping being back at work etc. It's taken more than a few people by surprise when I say I'm very happy to be back at work. I couldn't imagine not working and have said that even if I won the lottery I'd be busy managing my NGO spending all my dosh doing the kind of work I'm already doing.

Still haven't quite worked out the logistics of school hours though. Option is either I work 9-3 4 days a week or stick at 3.5 days a week but use after school club. It's going to be more complicated because #2 child will still be at private nursery.

Actually my biggest concern is how I get them all to school/nursery and then me to work. School drop off is 8.45 and I work 25 minutes walk away. I'm considering a grownups scooter so I can bomb along the pavement to work and still get some exercise

I love the scooter idea! 😀

Logisitcs aside, I am looking forward to going back to work in August. I am enjoying mat leave (mostly!) far more this time.

I'm with bean on this one. I really feel the fear at the idea/thought of being unable to personally support myself and DS. If you don't work then what on earth do you do if your partner/sole provider of income buggers off? I've seen it happen in the least likely relationships.
Quite apart from that, I'd be miserable without a professional identity. I love my job.

My full time salary wouldn't have been enough to support us (or even just myself), so I've relied on my husband since leaving university many years ago. I'm more worried about something happening to my husband but we should be covered for that.

If I'd been back at work my sickness record would have been so bad during the past few years (multiple operations needed) that I'd have been at the disciplinary stage by now (unfair but I've seen it happen to others)! I'm glad I left when I did!

My salary could cover us now if we moved somewhere smaller but when it comes to pension time I'll really need DH. I quite like him for other reasons as well as his pension

I pay for everything now. It's sodding tight, I can tell you. But we are ok. Better than many!

But I'd be bored rigid not working, I think. It's nice to get out of the house and escape the madness!

On a totally different note: anyone up for a trip to Edinburgh Zoo on 9th April? It's a Sunday. Pandas!!! 🐼🐼🐼🐼🐼

The excitement is killing me!

Cuphat that's actually a reason to stay a civil servant. You can have six months sick in five years before it's a problem, as long as properly documented. You may as well be paid to be off sick and on maternity leave! I've had two years off on full pay in the last fifteen due to operations and maternity leave.

I've known people abuse the system (I had a senior manager in a previous job who would have six months off, come back for a short time then go off again so she didn't miss out on pay. They had a generous sickness policy. I hardly saw her in the years I was there but when she was in she'd spend the day playing Solitaire or sleeping under her desk - seriously! She eventually left due to redundancies and took a job at the checkouts in a supermarket where she was so much happier - I saw her there, and couldn't believe the difference!). However I also know of others who are no longer entitled to sick pay when they've been off for genuine reasons. Six months in five years is nothing really. I wouldn't have said that a few years back but I can see now how it can happen if you have a run of bad luck. Turns out being careful for weeks after my op last year wasn't enough (thanks to heavy children!) because as well as needing surgery elsewhere the surgery I had last year has undone itself and needs doing again too! After less than six months!

But anyway, I never get bored (I could do with more hours in the day!), love being with the children, and don't care about titles (when discussing the cleaners a fire officer once said that there had to be something wrong with someone who wanted to be a cleaner - I lost a lot of respect for him that day) or having lots of money. I'm sure I can get another job if/ when required. I'm grateful to have had the choice.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b08fp1z9/countryfile-winter-diaries-series-1-episode-2

We are ten minutes in!

Ahhh. Watched it! It looked a touch chilly during filming!

I'll try and watch it later

Hungry sorry for the lack of response re Edinburgh zoo. I will be a definite maybe...things have been somewhat chaotic of late - my mum has been in hospital for 3wks, home this week. But will almost certainly need to go back in within the next couple of months for surgery. I've been chasing my tail a bit!

Sounds worrying, Biscuits. Hopefully she'll be on the mend soon.

No need to decide yet anyway (though I'll get our tickets online once they're on sale as we are definitely going!).

Hope your mum is ok, biscuits X

Thanks. She should be, but it will be a slog of a few weeks for her.

Ooh I finally watched it Bean! You know what's quite funny is hearing your voice. Everyone on here has a Scottish accent in my head