June 2013; Toddling into our second year!

[BeanCalledPickle]

New thread ladies:-) I think we filled about ten threads when pregnant and this is only our fourth post natally!

Urgh. What a knob.

Poor Juno. How is she doing now?

Can you have a private room tonight (I'm guessing home isn't an option)?

Poor thing. Hope she's doing better now.

Glad you're doing well.

We are home! Though I have to say I'm questioning the merits of 24 discharge and starting to regret it a bit! Last time I returned home to relative calm and order. This time I had them both crying, both for food, at a time chosen because I didn't anticipated either being hungry. Getting myself home was extraordinarily painful. Up the stairs and into bed awful as well. The bed doesn't recline. The loo isn't right there like it was in our flat! By the time I got to bed I felt awful, and like I'd totally overdone it. Compared to what was actually a peaceful ward I may have made the wrong call. I will try and pull it back by staying upstairs for a couple of days and hope I've done no damage.

Funny really because I'd been so focussed on 24 hour discharge for ages but it was actually not the greatest thing!

Great news that you're home, bean. Take it easy! How long does your husband have off work?

I'm hoping for a repeat experience of last time as for some reason I had no problem with stairs or walking or anything (I did take regular paracetamol and ibuprofen), and I was discharged after a day and a half. I'm now realising that I was just very lucky and I doubt I'll be that lucky twice in a row. My husband took a month off though, and I did absolutely nothing other than feed baby constantly during that time, which helped. And with DD to deal with too that is obviously not possible this time.

This time, DH is not even taking the full two weeks. And he also has to do quite a few overnight trips in his job which I'm panicking about.

He's just done his last overnight trips before I have the baby but he still has a couple of day trips where he'll be at least a few hours away. And the in laws will not be in the country to come and get DD if I go into labour. So I'm slightly panicking about that too. If I do go into labour I'll have to get there asap and it'll be an EMCS so I have no idea what would happen to DD. Still don't have a plan. Apparently there isn't a solution as there isn't anyone we would both feel comfortable leaving her with.

If you're on your own due to DH being at work and have to go for an EMCS you leave DD with the person you are comfortable with. That's how it has to be, I'm afraid. Getting baby out safely trumps anything like that.

Sorry it's not as expected for you, Bean. I hope you can get looked after well and stay upstairs to recuperate.

The times when both are crying are challenging, but do ease off!

The people I would be comfortable with haven't actually offered. They work in jobs where they are out and about like being on call in the fire service and being in court where it wouldn't be as easy as just leaving like that. I have a friend that doesn't work but she's not in a position to help. DH's friends are also not in a position to help. The other options are the people we don't really know (ie a neighbour we see occasionally, tots group helper), but they also work etc (we don't even have their numbers. And I'm not sure how genuine offers to help are - I don't think they'd be happy to drop everything for people they don't really know).

I wish they had drop off crèches like they did when I was younger.

Fingers crossed it doesn't happen, anyway. They dated me a week ahead at the 12 week scan which hopefully makes it slightly less likely.

Hope your first night at home was ok bean.

Cup I sent you a FB message! Though to add; don't underestimate people. I thought I was going into labour and friend at work immediately told her boss she would need to leave to pick up Polly. People rally round.

I'm glad you mentioned it or I'd never have seen it. I just about to say I hadn't had one when I noticed it'd gone into the 'other' folder. Thanks. And I'm sure you're right. I'm an introvert which makes it harder for me to ask people. Off to have a read.

Hope alls well Bean. Looking at Juno and the new baby Princess is making me very broody

Sunny you've been broody since approximately ten minutes after you had Lily!!

Damnit - so its noticable then? Probably the reason my boss had a dream I was pregnant last week then

Err, yes Sunny. It's noticeable

Me on the other hand, def sitting on the fence! So's DH and so long as we're in a similar place then that's good.

I think you just need to have number 2 Sunny. :-)

I'm not broody in any way, shape or form. I do believe I'm done!

I've never been broody! I have always known I'd like two children but I have never actually felt broody.

I was not at all broody for #1 but I have been very secretly broody for #2 in recent months. I will not admit it out loud; whenever people ask if we want another I'm all like, 'nah'.

LIES.

Broody per se isn't enough of a carrot for us either Cup. It's also about how we'd manage (financially/physically/mentally). Our house is big enough for the three of us, would be a squeeze with four unless we extended. Or moved. My job isn't permanent at the mo and it was so hard to get it that I don't want to arse that up right now. That may change in the next yr though...

But- I'm watching my own immediate family relationships disintegrate around me at the moment (not with me, but with each other) and that's hard and gets me thinking about all things family related.

On a more light hearted note, DS just stole my very worthy Stoats porridge bar and scoffed a fair wack of it!

I wasn't broody before DD, just wanted a baby. With DS it's rather more complicated as wanting him was also about fixing the psychological damage DD's birth led to (didn't work!). So it wasn't broodiness exactly, just the need to have another baby and heal some wounds. Bit heavy, sorry.

On a lighter note, fussy eater DD has decided she loves ham and gulps it down. Suppose it could be worse!

I knew I wanted a baby before Lil but hadn't realised how bad it was until my friend texted me to say she'd had a baby and I cried. Think that was am eye opener for DH as i never cry unless I'm very very angry. He's younger than me and kept trying to put me off.

This time its him telling me I can throw away the pill packet any time I want. I just want to make sure we can cope financially. I only get statutory mat pay and we definitely can't afford 2 lots of nursery fees and I really don't want to ever give up working.

This is all really interesting. I'm always fascinated by the decision to have children as rationally what are the rewards? It's kind of narcissistic. I feel like we did it more because it's what people do and what would we talk about otherwise! I have lots of friends who don't have children and have happy full lives though, but would have had children if they could.

Hungry that's interesting. You've not said that before. I thought you just wanted it out the way in one go almost! Though you said you would consider a third and that you really wanted to experience a natural birth. An interesting contrast to my feeling like I've not missed out in the slightest having two ELCS. Though right now I can see it must be wonderful to just walk away!

Cup do you feel the same? You seem very happy to have two ELCS as well? And Rae you would chose again?

Sunny- have you worked out what the additional cost of nursery will actually be? We get 20pc off a second, the funding knocks 200 quid off when she's three and then there is the new scheme which itself pays 20pc. Our bill is 800 a month at the moment but becomes 1100 when Juno starts and then less when Polly gets finding. So not as bad as I think.

The stuff about how your own family affects your choices is also interesting. I was coerced a bit into a second as Sean thinks it's important to have a sibling but not more than one; he has five sisters! I didn't share this view as my brother and I have little to do with each other and as a long term unemployed drug addict who blew 35k on hotels and drugs last year I have little interest in a relationship there. That was inheritance we could have used for the girls.

There are so many choices and I really don't know what the right one is. My hormones are currently making me sad I'll never be pregnant again but I'm confident this will pass!

Bean - yes, absolutely no question I'd go for an elective section again. Notwithstanding the shitstorm that arrived 24hrs afterwsrds with Joe being so faulty, the birth itself was very relaxed, almost fun. Not a single bad thing to say about it.

I've currently a very good friend who's father has been diagnosed with a very fast-moving terminal illness and seeing how he and his brothers are able to support each other through it has influenced my thinking somewhat.

I might be broody for a second but that doesn't mean I'm fully committed to going through with it, although we've been half-heartedly trying since July last year. Obv it doesn't take into account your good example of how siblings may not even get on, or mine where I live thousands (and thousands) of miles from mine, and other similar things, but the fact I'll be 80 when Joe is my age does play on my mind a bit. I've been so fortunate to have had a young grandmother and mother my whole life - currently 84 and 64 respectively - and J just won't get that luxury.

Who the hell knows what is right. We didn't have a child because we were unhappy without one. Joe didn't 'complete' our lives - we were already completeky content - but I guess it was a bit of 'well if we don't what if we regret it?' Obv once J arrived it seemed impossible that we would imagine him not being with us but still, I feel quite strongly that he's not 'ours'. Rather, I feel we just get him for a little while before he follows his own path, and hopefully we are a relatively good influence on him (arguable!). I've always felt that about kids though; that ownership and parenthood are two entirely different things. Maybe that's why I was so slow in having any.

I suspect that even with half-hearted attempts we won't be successful in having another anyway. Don't know why, I just feel it. Also, my dog might just leave home if I did!

Essay. Sorry!

I think number of siblings is also affecting our decision here. I'm one of 3 but have no interest in having 3. My mother made herself a martyr having 3 and whilst I'm close with my sister my brother and I are more like mates who once shared a house and who occasionally meet up for a catch up.

DH has a horror of a sister (whole back story there) and has said more than once that he doesn't see the value of siblings. I think he'd have been happy with one because he's never experienced a good sibling who you'd actually want to hang out with. I've been insistent from day 1 though that we have 2 kids because I couldn't imagine not having a sibling.

Oh and yes - I have a whole spreadsheet working out the cost of a 2nd child . Slightly irritated at the moment as it looks like there will be no bonuses this year because we haven't met our financial target despite me hitting mine by 125%. The joys of small companies.....! This means my maternity leave plans are having to change. Grrrrr

Well if you can't discuss these things with Internet strangers who can you discuss them with?

Interesting perspective on siblings. I probably agree with Mr sunny that I don't see the value per se; existence doesn't guarantee an actual relationship. I take it you are the youngest?

On the finances I know many people who say 'oh it will work out somehow'. I'm not that person and I often struggle to understand how people can be. But then it does seem to work out for those people. Somehow. Similar to you I couldn't imagine not working. Our finances do work at the moment entirely because my gran and dad died within a week of each other three years ago. Inheritance paved my way entirely. We'd struggle with paying for a second had that not happened.

It does sound like your heart isn't quite in it Rae. If I told you now you actually couldn't have another what would your reaction be?

Agree with the ELCS thing. The five of us all sat together waiting to go to theatre was quite amusing. All fat and waiting to be safely delivered of a child, as Clarence house would say..

Reading related threads on mn, people regularly have a go at other people's reasons for having children, saying that they're selfish reasons. But I honestly can't think of any non-selfish reasons for having children. DH and I would have been very happy without children, however when I imagine ourselves much older (ie when parents have gone) I can't imagine life with just the two of us for the rest of time and no children or other family.

I didn't realise that played a part, either, hungry. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with that and that having DS hasn't helped to heal the wounds.

Bean, I'll be very happy to have walked away having had two ELCS. Since I've had DD I haven't for one second felt the desire to experience a natural birth. Before I had DD I was quite excited about the prospect of a water birth and I cried when I found out I'd have to have an ELCS, but that was through fear. Once I had the ELCS and it was a positive experience that's what I wanted again. I was worrying about not being allowed a second ELCS long before I got pregnant again! In fact I now have a fear that I won't get to the hospital in time for an EMCS if I go into labour early. I probably should have picked the earlier date!

I've always felt it is important to have a sibling, I guess because I grew up with one. However, I would say that both my sister and I are actually closer to our mum than we are to each other (though we are still quite close). I think that my sister is also closer to one of our cousins than she is to me, but that's down to them having similar personalities and interests. We've never gone out and done things together, though living apart doesn't help. DH isn't very close to his brother, they don't talk very often and only really see each other for family events. Like me, he's very close to his mum. I guess the need to have a sibling for DD is more about just having someone there in times of need rather than having a close friend.

Rae, I was also convinced that we would struggle to have a second. Probably due to reading too much on here again. For a second time I ended up pregnant much sooner than anticipated!