March 2013 - we're gonna need a bigger wine rack

[Plonkysaurus]

Ta da!

Argh, why did I decide to watch Benefits Britain? Hello, rage! But on the other hand, seeing Hull on the telly is always fun. They showed the hospital where Fartypants was born! I have no idea why this excites me so much.

Stormy you amaze me. You ask her opinion on the clothing front? Here we just arm wrestle her into the nearest clean option, with interesting results. We range from pretty pretty, to street urchin, depending on who dressed her, and when the washing machine was last run.

Wonder week you say. I was wondering. Boom boom. So far today we've had a strop over my unreasonable desire for her to wear a nappy. A strop over my even more unreasonable desire for her to wear clothes... and an outright refusal to eat any lunch what so ever. She must be starving. Or perhaps not. Who knows. She is however currently asleep so I'm breathing a huge sign of relief and making the most of it.

Betty have no fear, I'm ok. Narked, but none the worse for it. I quite liked your idea but it does somewhat fall at the first hurdle, that being I no longer have a marriage certificate. The Courts eat them or something when they grant the decree nisi. They don't return them anyway. So I'm in that slightly random situation where although I am technically still married I have no actual proof of that. Unless I get a copy.

As for DH, well he seemed really quite disgusted with himself, and that for him is quite telling. He's a man who has a reason why things are never his fault, so accepting responsibility and saying sorry is quite a big thing. I'm not after a grand OTT gesture, or money thrown at me, I just want a hug and a few words to say thanks for giving him a second chance. It hasn't been easy, and despite the fact we're happy, he's changed, I've changed, and life has changed, for the better, it's always there at the back of my mind, I'll be forever known as the woman whose husband shagged a colleague, and I'll always be judged for that. Be honest with yourselves, I bet at least one of you has thought, 'oh, I'd never take my DH back if he did that...' So, on the hard days like anniversaries, I need some recognition for what I have to live through to make things work.

That said, the main reason I'm down, this pregnancy is really hard. A medic friend was telling me second pregnancies can be much worse than first due to antibodies from the first time round hanging about and making you super sensitive. Whatever the reason I'm certainly not enjoying it, and I certainly haven't been able to keep it secret from anyone. I'm huge! I'd say on a par with where I was at 16-18 weeks last time. Definitely popped and into maternity clothes already. Roll on the second trimester, I need a break

Oh and I've just eaten an entire panful of boiled courgettes, smothered in salad cream, and that was after a pretty sizeable two course lunch. Only when pregnant....

Your lunch sounds delicious Doli (can you see why I low-carb?)

The marriage thing is interesting. I'm not into women putting each other down for their choices. I honestly can't say whether I'd stick with DP if we found ourselves in a similar situation, because I really don't know. Just like I could never tell another women/couple to keep an unwanted baby, or tell someone to take a job that could drastically change their life. The big life decisions are for us to work through. I'm so pleased you worked through such a hard time; you definitely deserve a whopping big hug from DH.

I hope the pregnancy becomes easier. While I'm really looking forward to TTC #2 I'm also terrified of juggling a toddler with prego brain/prego tiredness. Well done you, though, you're nearly 1/4 through. And she's napping! I'd say you've won today.

quick dip in the send love to Doli. Sounds hard your end. Glad he's apologetic. So he should be. He remembers business meetings so no excuses from now on. I was one of those women who said any sniff of infidelity and I'd be off. However the reality was somewhat different and I was, on some days over several months, begging for him to come back. Like Plonky says, you never know til you're in it and man, it's super hard. It affects your confidence and outlook. I'm sending sisterhood power to you dear Doli. Yours was worth keeping hold of, he's proven that, but he needs not to get complacent about his lovely girls.

So you know those days where you feel like a terrible parent.......

DD has broken her wrist! She's been completely not herself since Monday with massive screaming fits and I've put it down to a mixture of teeth and tantrums. She fell over a couple of times on Monday morning but I didn't make much of it despite her making a bit of a deal of it. It was only today I noticed she was screaming every time I touched one of her wrists. One xray later and she now has a temporary pot on and a very guilty Mummy.

Oh no Betty! I hope she heals nicely soon. I guess a benefit (if you can possibly look at it that way!) of this happening so young is that her bones will heal easily.

There was a thread recently about kids who'd broken various bits and bobs and their parents hadn't noticed for days. I think it's totes norms. Have a glass of the good stuff, sounds like you deserve it.

ps can we have a picture of the tiny wee pot?

Betty on no! It's never easy when they can't tell you where it hurts. If it makes you feel any better my friend broke both her wrists when she was 13, but it was 3 days before anyone, including her, realised it was both rather than just the one the hospital had put in a cast.

Eco Plonky thanks. I'm feeling much more chipper now. Pregnancy blues. Honest to god I'm a walking stereotype. Tired, bloated, feeling sorry for myself and inhaling chocolate biscuits. I don't even like chocolate biscuits. It's probably 10 years since I ate one. Until now. Now I could single handedly keep McVities afloat.

Much less dramatic than a wrist but I'm kind of worried the toddle isn't right. She hasn't eaten much all day, is tired, and lethargic, and just not herself. No temp though. Wonder week? Constipation problems? Something else? It really would be so much easier if they could talk.

Oh no betty. Don't feel bad. We can't know everything. Hope she gets better soon.

doli sending big hugs to you. I loved Bettys idea. I am definitely not judging you for taking him back. As the others have said you can't say what you will do until you experience it.Hormones are so funny. I was drinking gallons of milk when I was pregnant. I could only have it with cereal pre pregnancy. Obviously your baby is in need of junk food.lol.

stormy hope you recovered from the rage and dd's tantrums. As I was working most of today my dm had to deal with the tantrums.

The other day I unpacked the shopping bags dh had bought home. (He went shopping with ds). I noticed big teeth marks in the block of cheese. I thought dh had accidently picked up cheese munched on by a rat but no it was ds. Dh said he couldn't get it from him because he threw a tantrum and he was embarrassed. Yesterday dh came home with a packet of sweets. Why? Because ds refused to put them down in the shop and screamed if dh tried to take it from him. Cue dh buying them. on a serious note I am fed up of dh being so soft with him and I am the bad one. Grrr.

Oh Betty poor little thing and poor you! I agree with whoever said get yourself a glass of something, it is Wednesday after all.

Doli, when I first met you and heard the full story, my main thought was that you were amazing for being brave enough to forgive him. I surprised myself with that reaction as I always thought I'd be a 'no way never' type of girl, but I got it, and just from your description and two brief meetings of mr Doli, I thought I'd probably have done the same thing. But I'd also be more cross than your average wife if, after all that, an important date was forgotten. So I'm glad he's disgusted with himself. So he should be. Sorry you're feeling completely rubbish, remember me on Tuesdays and Fridays, there are several shops selling chocolate biscuits between my house and yours!

Urgh plonk - carbs. I have fallen well and truly off the low carb wagon after the jump. Need to get back on it ASAP, I just can't face the 3 days of carb flu that I know are inevitable.

Thinking of cancelling Friday's drs appt. since stopping running and squeeeeezing more often things feel, if not back to normal, then at least not as bad in my nethers. Might give it another few weeks and reassess.

Watching OBEM. Doli, I am ridiculously jealous of your burgeoning bump, even if it is making you feel crap.

Well Mr Doli arrived home from his latest business trip with a hug and some duty free Jo Malone. I have heard of Jo Malone, but have never before possessed any. I'm assuming it is 'naice'. He does a fine line in naice when he's feeling bad. What is funnier though is the fact he bought it on the way out, and on the way back they refused to let him take it on as hand luggage, meaning he had to go all the way back to the beginning, check in his bag, and then of course wait for the luggage carousel on arrival instead of just walking through. I'd say he's paid his dues

Plus he's upstairs now resettling the toddle, who after having refused all food today decided at 9.30pm that she really fancied a sandwich. Honestly. There are times....

Gerry glad himself made a positive impression. He's not actually a bad bloke at heart. Would love to catch up, will have to organise something. You can lie tell me I look wonderful, and not at all fat. Although I'm not fat. It's 100% wind

Ooh Gerry you can go to Doli's with a packet of hobnobs and get winded on

Glad the pelvic floor is improving. I'd be tempted to keep the appt anyhow, but I can see why you might sack it off. The low carbing is great fun. I had one bad carb flu day a couple of weeks ago, but buggered my way through it with about a gallon of water and a fistful of paracetamol. I briefly hopped off the wagon for wedding cake trials and wine, and have been fine getting back on it. Any excuse to eat cheese without the guilt. Read another book about it and it's fired me up somewhat. I seem to remember you took to it like a duck to water before, so if you fancy dipping your toe back in I'd happily provide moral support.

Doli sounds like he's paid his dues this time. Jo Malone eh? Swish. I've got a gorgeous JM body lotion, lime and mandarin I think, just about the only thing that doesn't bring me out in a rash. I save it for posh do's

Yummy the tantrums are tough to deal with, but if he's not careful ds will be taking him for a ride! Best lay good foundations now. So frustrating for you but that cheese would've made me giggle.

Dp is constructing his wedding speech. He wants a section where he tells everyone why I'm called Plonky it's because I'm a nidiot

95% wind 5% biscuits?!? And Doli lovely, I may not have seen you for a couple of months, but no one could have gotten fat from your starting point in that time period! I'll bet you're glowing and not just from the nausea

Right ladies. Serious time. I've been quiet recently, and I think it's because I'm really not very happy. I don't know what to do. I think if I had a normal human being of a husband we could probably talk it through, but he resolutely will not listen (familiar stormy?!) and just walks away. So I really don't know what to do next. I'm not sure I can bring myself to threaten to leave, because I don't believe in empty threats so I'd have to be prepared to actually go. I think my unhappiness is just silly married couple stuff that could be easily sorted IF he would talk. I need him to take more responsibility. At the moment I am responsible for everything, if not the doing of everything than at the very least the thinking of everything. Housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, birthday presents, childminder stuff, new nursery. On top of that a job which is fairly stressful and only set to become more so when I'm full time in September. It's silly things like his complete inability to pick up after himself, and he clearly thinks I'm being completely unreasonable bitching about having to pick his socks up, or put his laptop away, or whatever, because they're only little things that take no time to sort. But he has no idea of the monotony of having to spend what feels like every waking minute picking his shit up. Eventually I snap and shout and bitch and get snippy and he sulks with this 'my wife is such a nag' face on and I'm left wondering if he's right, I am a nag. In march he started an online course that was supposed to better his career prospects and take some of the pressure off me. It cost as much as our holiday in October, and he's not done a single piece of work. Won't e-mail his tutor. Won't do any assignments. I'm not allowed to ask him about it because I'm a teacher and so I'm just being all teacher-y on him. I'm not allowed to mention it at all because it's just adding to the pressure. So I'm supposed to just sit and watch him piss away £700 that we could REALLY do with right now. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm eating all the sugar the world has and am at risk of putting all that weight back on because I just feel so god damn miserable. So please somebody give me some advice that's not LTB or 'talk to him' because I don't know how to make him listen.

Gerry I'm not sure I can be of any assistance other than I went through a similat crossroads a month or so back so I empathise. We'd reached a stalemate and I was the one who said 'let's sort this out'. I laid out my frustrations on a plate and calmly listened to him bitch and moan put his points across. I suggested ways we needed to proceed and we're now in a more equal footing. He still leaves shit around occasionally but rather than clear it up or say something sarky, I try and say something less 'naggy' and more constructive. I'm afraid talking is the only option, but it's got to be done when you've both got time and not an ambush when DH gets home from work (learnt that lesson the hard way...) Other than that, focus on the big thing (the course) rather than the little things, which are annoying, but not financially crippling.

Doli You have reaffirmed my decision not to have another, as I dislike being upduffed the first time, so if the second is worse I'll have a for you

Plonky tell me more about your course? what's it for? Do you already have a camera?

We're off on a boating holiday tomorrow - wish me luck. I'm taking everything that DD owns, just in case...

Oh Gerry, I'm so sorry you're having a shit time. I don't think LTB is the answer and even if I did I wouldn't suggest it.

Here's what I'd do...write a list of all the things that are causing you problems. Everything from him not taking his expensive course seriously to leaving his socks lying around. Then prioritise them - what can you live with, and what can be forgotten?

The list is really for you to organise your thoughts. He's never going to see your point of view if you go to him screeching that he's doing your head in (tempting as that may be, it's sadly the least effective kind of communication).

Is dh particularly struggling with the responsibility of having a wife and child? Could he possibly reduce his hours when your new position? Or is he behaving like this because he's a man child? Personally we have a few of these issues and I don't think they're relationship-ending. I think our compromise is to get a cleaner. Cop out, I know, as it stops dp actually modifying his behaviour but it also stops me resenting him because the money is coming from his salary.

I really hope you get through this with a positive outcome.

Any it's a 5 day course at a uni, it's basically how to frame a scene, use lighting and photoshop to make photos I can sell. Essentially I'm fed up work wise and want to be a family photographer. I already have a dslr so I need to start playing around with it more.

Gerry I have been known to write letters in the past. Enables you to prioritise and appropriate frame and phrase your thoughts. I use the: when you ... It makes me feel... To try and take the blame away from him doing stuff TO make me feel crap but pointing out that IT DOES make me feel crap. He can also revisit it a few times before you have the discussion. Which I schedule.

Hope there's something in there that helps.

Thank you, I feel better this morning. Wotta I like that idea- I've tried letters in the past but he's ignored them, but if I say 'read this, we are discussing it at 2pm on Sunday' maybe that'll help.

Can't stay, have to go and sit in an empty office finding something to do whilst everyone else is striking. I'm in the wrong union so have to be here all day despite the fact the school is shut to students.

gerry really sorry that you're not very happy. I totally understand how the monotony of little things can pile up and become a big thing. I get so fed up of putting coat hangers away, closing the wardrobe door, picking up and folding his pjs, and moving pants and socks from the floor to the wash basket. every morning. I would definitely agree with Plonk that writing things down is a good way to take a good look at them before you discuss them with him. When DP and I were going through a bad patch, that's what helped me. Seeing it in black and white in front of you can really go far to helping you prioritise what you need to say. Unfortunately, communicating them to him is the hard part, but you will need to get it out in the open for things to change. I wish there was a magic pick-yer-shit-up potion I could brew for you and the rest of us

plonk the photography course sounds lots of fun. DP and I were talking the other day how we'd like to have some family pictures done soon. Maybe I'll holla your way...

doli you can talk about wind and being fat and tiredness all you like, you won't put me off. Hmm, remind me of that when it happens to me and I don't stop bitching and moaning

betty poor little DD. She does look ever so adorable with her pot on but I can imagine how horrible it was for you. Still, at least she's on the mend now.

DS woke up inconsolable at about 10pm last night and nothing would help. He refused calpol and blubbered his way through cuddles. We stripped him off, put him in front of the fan and rubbed his tummy, then he started sobbing because he wanted to go back to bed. He slept through after that though and I had to force him to wake up to take him to my mum's this morning. I hate working on days when he's so scrumptiously cute.

Glad you're feeling a tad more chipper Gerry. I think a day of MNing, FBing and writing that list beckons. You know where we are if you need to sound off.

Something I know you're sneaking a read of this while you're at work. I was actually going to ask if you'd be willing candidates - I need to build a portfolio. All you'd need to pay for is the prints - and I know a guy. Hmm I wonder what got into DS? Hopefully just a wonder week - or do you suspect another night terror? It's horrid when they're like that.

We've not coslept in a few weeks. Or didn't until this morning. DS woke at 4.30 and I popped him in with us. He settled down soon enough but he is the wriggliest ARSEHOLE to share a bed with. There. I just called my son an arsehole.

I'd best get on with some work. My head's swimming how dissatisfied I actually am with being a Content Marketer for such a boring company. I am a discontent marketer.

[hugs] Gerry, even though you're feeling a bit better today. I know what you mean with feeling like you could sort things out if he'd just talk, but how do you force someone to talk? With the man I've discovered the answer is: you don't. But you can insist that they listen. I was a bit horrified when you said you've written him letters in the past and he's ignored them - that's you trying to communicate and he can't be arsed. I'd have been fuming.

Wotta makes a very good suggestion. Take the picking up of socks, for example. Unless he's a giant wankbadger, he's not whistling merrily as he flings them about the room and gleefully picturing you clearing up after him. He'll just be not thinking, because depressingly often, people don't. The trick is to get him to understand that, no matter his intent, the effect is you feeling like an underappreciated skivvy. It's just getting him to understand that that's difficult. Or rather getting him to understand how it makes you feel and that you won't tolerate that. This is (partly) why I kicked the man out when I did - all attempts to get through to him verbally failed, and it didn't half give him the kick up the arse he needed, because he realised when I said I wouldn't put up with a lifetime of growing resentment caused by being forced into the skivvy role by someone purporting to love me, I really truly meant it.

plonk not sneaking a read...having a blatantly obvious read the family-Something would be happy to be your models.

It's also about being able to frame the effect in clear terms, the socks does make you feel like an under appreciated skivvy no doubt, but also explaining that it clearly suggests that in his head his time and energy is more important than yours (he can't be bothered to spend an extra two seconds doing something because you will and it's ok for him to own that two seconds of your time for that task...?). As Stormy says, I don't believe he's ever thought of it like that (if he has... LTB ) but having had it pointed out to him he needs to own it.

Good luck.

YY to him owning your time when he doesn't pick up after himself. Tch, these ladies say everything I want to but can't!

Something Ok! When's this fun run obstacley thing what I agreed to?

gerry i could have written your earlier post (apart from the computer course bit). We really come to heads when it's that time of the month and he is exhausted. Maybe when you go full time things will be better because he knows you work full time too. I have never tried writing letters but we do talk if ds goes bed on time. 1-2-1 is better rather than a toddler wanting attention. I don't think it is a reason to LTB then we would never ever be with a bastard.

We had a 2 hour settling in session at nursery today. Tomorrow I will be leaving him there. AIBU to be excited to have 2 hours to myself.

any enjoy your boating trip. Hope you packed the sea sickness tablets.

plonky your course sounds fun. I wish I had a fun job.

Gerry What is it with men and their inability to take responsibility for any form of domestic task? It maddens me. I had hoped it was limited to the 1970s generation and before, brought up by indulgent mums who treated their boys as princes and their girls as domestic slaves. But no. It would appear the modern metro male is just as bad.

I think everyone has come up with some really sensible plans of action, so I won't go over old ground. All I will add area couple of pearls of wisdom I have learnt the hard way, and believe me I really did go about the exact same problem the hard way.

1. Get a cleaner. I mean that. I spent years, literally years arguing we didn't have the budget (it may not look like it now, for a very long time we lived a bit hand to mouth, courtesy of over burdensome mortgages and endless building work), that cleaners never really clean, that I didn't want a stranger dealing with my mess and poking about in my house, all that blah... and you know what, it was bllcks. Absolute bllcks. We have a cleaner now, and I can safely say it is probably one of the single most important factors in keeping our relationship solid.

The thing about cleaning, and tidying, and general house work, is no amount of owning of anything is going to make up for the fact that people have different levels of acceptable mess. Take DH. He will happily live in squalor, and I mean real squalor. When we separated he absolutely did. The reality is he doesn't care, until the level of mess and dirt gets to such that ants move in and he has had to recycle is pants, at least once. At that point he might have a blitz, or more likely ring someone and delegate.

I suspect your DH is the same. The reason he doesn't pick up his socks, isn't because he expects you to do it, it's because having them on the floor is no biggie.

And on the subject of picking up, one unforeseen advantage of having a cleaner is it has made DH much tidier. Whereas he doesn't normally care about pants on the floor, he is much more squeamish about Mrs X from down the road seeing his pants on the floor. We have no more pants on the floor . I call that a result.

1. The work thing. That bothers me, and makes me wonder one thing. How is he in himself? Is that level of apathy normal for him? Before you wade in guns blazing I'd just like to sensitively raise the question could he be feeling a bit down about his career?

You are a successful career woman, who has been given a very senior role in your field at really quite a young age, and I get the impression you are the main bread winner. Might he be finding that hard? I'm married to a successful man, who is extremely sought after and has City CEOs literally biting his hand off for his input. I'll be honest and say that at times I find that hard. It doesn't matter what I choose to do with my life I will never match up to him, and anything I can earn will always be a pittance in comparison. Old fashioned attitudes can make this even harder when the male female roles are reversed. So, I'm just wondering if perhaps he has given up a bit. I know I have.

1. The written word as already suggested is what saved us. It took some fairly extreme circumstances to get DH to the point where he would talk, and by the time we got that far I was too hurt to face him without anger. So we poured or hearts out on email, and reconciled that way. Then we moved on to dinners out, and hours sitting in the summer house at night just talking in the dark. You can say so much more in writing without interruptions, anger, or time wasted on pointless defensiveness. You can also edit it. The thing about face to face, you can say stuff in anger you don't mean, and once said it can't be undone. We've all been there.

1. I'm here if you ever need to talk, and I'm neutral as we know noone in common. It can be easier to talk to someone outside of your normal circle.

Yummy I get excited about free time too! Enjoy!!! I'm feeling a million dollars today as DH is having a day on non-work new project things so took the toddle for 2 hours this morning. I woke with a zing in my step, went for a 1km swim, walked to town without a pram to do some admin, and got home in time to cook us all an early (edible) lunch which I was able to eat whilst it was hot, before starting my shift. As a result I no longer feel fat and bloated, and can just about feel that start of the pregnancy glow. Plus my hair's dead shiny today. You just can't beat a good hair day even if the only ones to see it are the dogs

plonky you should take a look at 'photoshop actions'. They have really been a revelation to me and can give your pics a lovely look without fiddling for hours!

I feel sick and i'm still on dry land... ~~~~~~~~~~----/~~~~~~~~~