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November 2012 - Any tips for surviving the 18-month sleep regression?

999 replies

StuntNun · 08/04/2014 15:57

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2035882-November-2012-Are-the-LOs-old-enough-for-Mothers-Day-yet

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
PetiteRaleuse · 12/04/2014 12:50

If you look at the units stunt 28 units is a bottle of whisky. Over three days less than a bottle of whisky could be reasonable if it wasn't the norm. Well, compared to a hardcore drinker who would drink one a day.

You say you have been concerned for a while. This is a red flag I think, as well as the fact he is drinking to, pretty much excess, on his own.

I would start off by keeping a booze diary, and maybe looking at what Al-Anon have to say. Beware that if he does have a problem and doesn't accept it there is nothing you will be able to do. It often falls to the spouse to be an enabler in fact, though the spouse sees it as support. Presenting him with clear facts will be all you can do. It's a v difficult situation to be in so I hope you are worrying needlessly.

I would step back, observe and take notes for a few weeks. And inform yourself re alcohol abuse via Al-Anon. They are very good, and I think they probably have a lot of resources online nowadays (when I was a kid it was church hall meetings only)

ValiumQueen · 12/04/2014 13:15

Stunt, this is my bread and butter, so I am happy to communicate via Messenger if you want.

The recommended limits are 14 units per week for a female, and 21 for a male. Most folk will consume most units at the weekend, so I would be concerned that he is drinking that much during the week, especially as he works, and no doubt drives to work.

You have done right to say you are concerned, but nobody stops drinking for others, even spouses or children. They have to stop drinking for themselves, and will only stop drinking when they begin to see it as a problem. In my line of work we tend to double reported drinking amounts, but as you are there, and seeing the empties, you will be able to get a more reliable picture of the situation.

I would encourage him to keep a drinking diary, time, amount drunk, who with, mood etc. When is his first drink of the day?

Can he go a day without alcohol, or longer?

Perhaps a check on his liver function might help. If levels are raised, that can scare some folk into changing their habits. The liver can recover very quickly until it reaches a certain point.

What are his thoughts on his drinking? Why is he drinking? The diary would cast some light on this.

If he wants to reduce his drinking he could go to his GP who would refer him to the local alcohol team, or he may be able to self refer. It depends on area. This will only work if it is him wanting help.

Whether he wants help or not, I would encourage you to look into local family support. There is usually something around, and talking to others who have similar experiences will be very helpful.

How is he when he drinks? If there is violence, or you feel scared or threatened, then you need to give serious consideration to your future together. Sadly with alcohol things often get to rock bottom before people will change.

Anyway, send me a message via FB if you want to chat further. Well done for sharing. That is the first step Thanks

ValiumQueen · 12/04/2014 13:18

J has just gone down for his first nap in his big boy bed. He got in, rolled onto his side, shut his eyes and Zzzzzzzzz Hopefully this will help him with his nights.

ValiumQueen · 12/04/2014 15:01

He has just woken, happy, no crying, and is now asleep on my lap! Growth spurt is hitting I think. He ate two bits of toast this morning! He never eats more than 1/2 a slice.

flouncymcflouncerson · 12/04/2014 15:28

Only popping in to say to yw my J is walking properly this week too!! Grin Grin

StuntNun · 12/04/2014 15:41

Thanks for the replies regarding my DH. I was in a bit of a panic when I posted. I suppose this is how alcohol dependency happens though, it creeps up on you overnight. I have hidden beer in the past to make sure there was some left when I wanted some but I had attributed this more to greed (if it's there he'll drink it) than to a problem with alcohol. But if you Google hiding alcohol it's supposed to be alcoholics that do it. I'm pretty sure I'm don't have a problem though as I don't get anywhere near 14 units in a week. My biggest concern is that DH isn't very introspective and he doesn't like talking about things so he isn't likely to take in that there's a problem and he certainly won't seek help. I don't think I've been enabling him but I think he does use me as an excuse to drink e.g. he'll open a bottle of wine because I've had a bad day not because he's had a bad day. YW I don't think no/low alcohol options would work as he's never gone for them even when I had them in the house when I was pregnant. BigPig the drinking on his own is alarming, I quite often find him with a beer or a whiskey in his hand whereas he used to only be a social drinker. PP I think you're right about not buying alcohol but we do have quite a supply understatement in the house already and I'm not up for pouring it all down the drain. Hopefully things haven't got that bad yet and he can cut down rather than have to stop drinking entirely. PR thanks for the info about Al-Anon. I haven't tracked his intake before and I was a bit taken aback at the quantity but thinking about how often our glass recycling gets full I suspect this is a representative amount. Confused I can only remember one day so far this year that he hasn't had a drink although there may have been more. I don't think I would be able to get him to the GP VQ. I'm sure he will think he can manage himself and he doesn't need help. Tbh I think he is self-medicating depression with alcohol. It doesn't help that he's hugely dependent on coffee. I have no idea how he sleeps when he's had two strong cups of coffee after he gets in from work. Maybe he needs the alcohol to counter the effects of the caffeine. I don't think his drinking is having much effect on the family. It's usually after the kids have gone to bed and there's no violence or aggression, he's not falling down drunk or anything. I'm more worried from a health point of view.

OP posts:
PennieLane · 12/04/2014 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValiumQueen · 12/04/2014 17:23

One possible question for your DH Stunt if he says it is not a problem, is to gently challenge him to having a week alcohol free. See how he gets on. Just a thought.

MsJupiter · 12/04/2014 17:26

VQ there is a thread in Classics which has lots of household tips including smells in car.

Stunt my DH has an ongoing issue with alcohol. It got quite bad a few years ago but he has been on top of it for the most part since. He knows it is a deal-breaker for me and that I will ask him about it so we keep things in the open, we both know if he starts hiding it or being secretive then things are worse. His coping techniques include going running, having alcohol free months or periods and having smaller amounts of good quality drinks. He can be defensive about it and I always notice it before he does (eg if he's making excuses to drink) but ultimately he does want to face up to it and fix it and so the motivation is there, which is the hard part. Hopefully seeing the bottles is the first step for your DH.

Lily311 · 12/04/2014 19:08

stunt my father is an alcoholic, he has been sober for about 8 years. Started the same way as your dh's, his alcohol consumption just increased and one day my mum realised that he was in trouble. She forced him to go to aa, had counselling too. It was very tough, the first year nearly broke them. They actually have a strategy plan, no alcohol at home (my mum stopped drinking completely too) and my dad drives to work and everywhere as he never drunk when driving. The weekends are the hardest and he still misses alcohol, he put on a lot of weights. Not sure what I wanted to say with this, I just know it was very hard for both of them.

Elizadoesdolittle · 12/04/2014 19:52

Ah pidj so that's why my log in kept failing! spent so long trying to log in I have no time to post now. Will be back later to catch up on thread.

PurplePidjin · 12/04/2014 19:53

Sorry, have FB'd it as well hopefully that'll warn a few folk Thanks

YellowWellies · 12/04/2014 20:03

Have read 'the Snail and the Whale' so many times today I'm blurring the words and frequently referring to "the tiny whale on the tail of the snail"...... Confused

PurplePidjin · 12/04/2014 20:16

I often use a cherry to buy a currant bun for similar reasons, yw Wine

Elizadoesdolittle · 12/04/2014 21:25

stunt. That's tough. I've grown up around alcoholics. My dad was one and it basically killed him at the age of 57. I tried everything I could to stop him drinking and he eventually sought help with AA and GPs who were all marvelous but it was too little too late. It is an illness, I truly believe that. It's not normally just alcohol though, that masks other issues. Depression being the most common. Does he suffer from depression at all? Sorry, I don't wnat to scare you and obviously my story is the extreme. But that sounds like an awful lot to drink on a day to day basis. Me and DH rarely drink at home. We are typical binge drinkers which I know isn't healthy but personally I would rather go out once a month and have a blow out than drink every day. I guess I'm quite weary of drinking at home as I associate it with negative connotations. I enjoy a drink when I go out but having a glass of wine sitting at home just does not appeal. I'd rather have a cup of tea.
Anyway bit like lily I'm not sure where all that came from. (Glad your dad is keeping it under control).
stunt hopefully your DH will be shocked at the amount he is drinking and it will make him cut back. Perhaps putting a financial perspective on it may make him cut back as if he doesn't think he has a problem (and he may not, it just might have got a bit out of control) then he won't see a reason to cut back. But put in monetary terms it might hit home more. Can you just buy enough to last a week and if he does exceed the amount on a regular basis you have more ammunition to make him see how much he's drinking. Sorry for the lengthy post!

yw That's great. Although E took independent steps weeks a go she still only walks holding hands. I can't wait for her to start walking properly as it's annoying being used as a walking aid!

fruit I'm shit at doing DD1's hair. I can do a ponytail, bunches etc but no elaborate designs. The day after she cut her head I asked a friend to put it in a french plait so it would stay out of her face for a couple of days. It looked so nice as well. I wish I could do them.

GTbaby · 12/04/2014 22:19

I dont post about this much any more. It really upsets me as you all are the only ones i talk about it to. And that in itself (not having rl ppl) upset me. But... I've had a few so i'll go ahead and ramble

Stunt I know exactly how you feel. Pointing out to fh exactly how much he has had has helped in the past. And i have video him when he is drunk and showing him the next dayBlush
He still drinks a lot. But I now stop him right when he had had to much. Including in front of his friend other day. He doesn't know his limits. It's always one more. He has done drink free weeks. He has done periods of a few drink a night. But at the end of the day it gets more n more again.
It's difficult when you realise there is an issue. I wish it was like the movies. We could hold an intervention. He would realise his issues. He doesn't though.

GTbaby · 12/04/2014 23:15

Have a broken the thread. Oops Blush

Kyz · 13/04/2014 00:31

You haven't gt I'm here, but I haven't read anything above your last comment I just wanted to say it's ok you haven't broken it :)

flouncymcflouncerson · 13/04/2014 00:48

I'm reading but still feeling like crap so posting is a bit too much effort just now :(

Kyz · 13/04/2014 02:16

Hugs flouncy, lots of hugs

Kyz · 13/04/2014 04:16

Hope everyone else is asleep :)

BigPigLittlePig · 13/04/2014 06:03

If dh complains about being tired later today, I may not be responsible for my actions Angry

Kyz · 13/04/2014 06:15

Bad night pig? [coffee] xx

Kyz · 13/04/2014 06:15

Well that didn't work. But proves my tiredness. Maybe you'd prefer a Brew