December 2012: This too shall pass, this too shall pass

[HoneyMumandSon]

keep repeating the mantra...

My parents and IL's have never changed ds's nappy it's not something I would expect or think that they would want to do. I'm a bit 'meh' about family though

Stacks my dad bought us up on his own (three girls) from when I was three, I'm definitely closest to him.

I'm really close to my dad in all but distance. He's going into hospital today for major heart surgery and I can't be there. :(

Going to try and go down on the train (Edinburgh to London) sometime soon to visit him in the hospital if I can, or just after he gets out. Will also be bringing him home here for his extended recovery period hopefully.

Surgery pushed back til April 7th. I'm also feeling much better and I think I know what caused my illness - badly prepared dried kidney beans. There's no way I'm ever buying dried again, even if they are loads cheaper!

Hi everyone, just catching up - Seymore and Honey well done for seeking support and hope things start to get better for you both soon. Welcome back Clarella, wondered where you'd been. Sounds like you've been doing a fantastic job in v difficult circumstances.

Have been a bit of a mess today. Had a massive row with DH last night. Tbh, things have been difficult for a while - he's still very stressed at work and I'm still quite resentful about how he was immediately after N was born (put it this way, he wasn't quite as much of an arse as the 'D'H on the thread linked to a few days ago, but he wasn't far off it at times).

Anyway, I'd been feeling pretty rotten yesterday with a heavy cold which he knew before he set off in the morning. Didn't hear a peep from him all day, not so much as a text to see how I was. Now I know this isn't crime of the century but it's something that's happened numerous times before (including when N was two days old and he knew I was a bit apprehensive about being on my own for 10 hours with 2 DC). I told him calmly that I was a bit disappointed that he'd not been in touch, and he absolutely flew of the handle saying I had no right to "constantly nag him" and I have "no idea" what his life is like (btw, I do work in the same profession as him but think underlying all this is resentment that I work pt even though we made what I thought was a joint decision that this made more sense financially until both DC are at school). He then said some really vile things I don't really want to repeat, and stormed out saying he was going to stay at PILs. He then came back after half an hour with a pint of milk, and I don't think he ever had any intention of leaving which actually makes the whole thing seem even more pathetic.

He's been very apologetic today (even rang to see how I am which is unheard of) but I'm still really angry. It's not a one off either, although it's the first time he's actually 'left'.

Deep down, I do want to sort it out - he's a fantastic father, and when things are good between us they are great- but I don't want to live like this either .

Sorry for length of above (and well done to anyone who's actually still awake!) Just don't really have anyone else to talk to as stupidly feel disloyal sharing any of this with anyone in RL.

Oh, ispy. Hugs for you, this sounds like a tough time. Are things quite different compared to pre-baby? Would it be possible to have a frank, non-blamey chat about the challenges you're both facing?

I think it would be good to find someone in rl to discuss this with - you're not being disloyal, all relationships have their tensions and by talking about it you'll make it better - you'll get perspective, ideas, sympathy. It's not 'telling tales', it's garnering support.

Sorry I don't have too much to say, but I hope things get easier soon.

Oh ISpy poor you as you say he obviously has some issues that need dealing with but until he can sit down and discuss them with you, without getting angry, there isn't much you can do. I hope you get things sorted soon

Oh ISpy sorry to hear things are so tough. When I had problems with my XH I didn't talk to anyone because it felt wrong to somehow. However it just made it all so much more stressful, and maybe contributed to things going downhill as quick as they did (it was going to end either way, as things were never good).
Could you find a friend to talk to, but start out by telling them that you love DH, need to talk about the problems between you, but want said friend to understand that there's lots of good you're just not talking about right now. On that basis you can offload a bit but hopefully trust the friend not to think badly of your DH. Getting DH to talk to a friend might help him too. Someone you each trust to listen and sympathise, but also tell you when a behaviour/expectation you have of the other is unrealistic.
Alternatively, try something like Relate? They may be able to give you some better advice about how to talk to your DH directly while avoiding confrontation.
I sometimes talk to DH and start out by saying I want to talk about how I feel about things. That what I'm saying isn't true or fact but it is how I feel, and is like him to understand that and help me think of ways to change that. Like, your DH may say he can't ask after you through the day in work because he's busy, but he will make an effort to ask as soon as he gets home. To avoid confrontation you could let him go first, don't interrupt, just listen.

Feel free to ignore me. ((Hugs))

Thanks so much everyone. Feel all teary now, but in a good way I think!

I'm going to try and have a calm, non-blaming discussion with him once the boys are in bed. I have also thought about Relate, and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to get some perspective from a friend. It's so tough though - I think I often fall into the trap of 'putting on a front' and pretending everything's fine, when actually it's really not. Need to get over myself and get some help though.

ispy ((hugs)) it sounds like you have the right idea about talking to your DH. It sounds like a really difficult position for you to be in and he seems to need to sort some stuff out himself.

Thanks for all of your concern and well wishes. Basically I've had a lot of problems with depression in the past but had been a lot better over the past couple of years. After the way D arrived I was having a lot of trouble getting over how suddenly everything so got in touch with the women's health psychologist who id touched base with when I was pregnant and who agreed some trauma work would be useful. As we started to do that work she touched on some of my old stuff which had never really been resolved and came to the conclusion that rather than it being straightforward (!) trauma the birth has triggered a lot of my previous unresolved issues. All very well but whether its pnd or just depression (I don't really know how they would separate at the min) I no longer fall into this psychologist's remit so I get palmed off to another waiting list. I'm really upset by this as she was the first mental health professional I've had a good relationship with for a long time and I hate the fact that I just get passed on again when I could har got somewhere workong with her. Sorry, rant over.

Ispy that sounds so rough! DP and I have our moments but we try really hard to listen to each other and I do my best to speak plainly & simply with him (English isn't his first language and we do have some discussions in German but they get a bit confusing) although I think the advice offered here is super.
I hope you get to have a talk to him later.

stacks I've had a tummy bug / diarrhoea today and yesterday - dr said there is lots of it about here. So you have my sympathies!

honey that is such a shame! Is there no way you could continue to be her patient? So sorry for you trying to deal with so much and on top of that the extra stress of going from pillar to post to get the help to deal with it ((hugs)) for you

and ((hugs)) for Ispy!

Apparently not nutella I'm not on her remit whatever that means. I find it really hard to trust people and the twice before I've found psychologists I have worked well with I've been passed over for the same reason which is why I have up and never resolved stuff in the first place. All this has done in reinforce the fact that if I ever trust someone I'm gonna get screwed over.

Honey that's really rubbish

Ds won't go to sleep he's been awake since 10:30!!!! He's had two ten minute naps since then, hardly worth it. Dd is ill again and dp has fucked off to football training

Well today me and DS went to the institute of psychology she he could participate in some research. He had an MRI scan whilst they played 'social sounds' to him whilst he slept. It was a pita getting him to sleep on the trolley, then we seemed to be playing a really weird party game trying to get him all strapped up, where every time he moved we all froze!

He was such a good boy I am very proud of him. They only got 3/4 of it done before he woke (quite startled to suddenly be in an MRI scanner) so have asked us to go back in April as he was so good. I think a picture of his brain will be a nice addition to his memory box!

Oh and they weighed him. He's now 13lb 10 oz at 14.5 weeks. He's back to just above the 25th line (he had dropped to just above the 9th at 8-10 weeks).

Sorry to hear of poorly mummies. honey it's shite that you can't stay with your counsellor! ispy it's really hard after having a baby, I think a non-blaming convo is probably the direction I would go.

ispy that sounds tough. I also think the advice on here so far has been really good. It is always worth remembering/reminding each other that parenting young uns is really hard and draining and doesn't always leave much for each other. Someone on here had a good expression? Although as you said its something that has sort of happened before, I'd think it was worth considering some counselling - even just a session or two to give you a framework for discussing and moving forwards. I wanted to try relate a few years back when DH and I were going through a tough patch, however they insisted on the same day and time each week - DH works shifts so we couldn't do that. Thankfully we managed to sort it out with some honest but kind conversations.

honey that really really really sucks. Is the waitlist for other counselling really long? Please try to remain open to findi g a good new counsellor / just like any new person you meet, some you'll get on with, some you won't, (except you'll be sharing your scariest stuff with them!). I have had a couple if counsellors in the past - one didn't seem to get me or my issues so I never saw her again, one was good, and whilst not a magic fix, did help me to move forward. This particular counsellor was private not NHS, but did agree to reduce her fees when I said I couldn't afford her! Do you or dp have any access through work, like an employee assistance programme?

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time Ispy I hope your discussion goes well.

hobey I hope you get a lively new counsellor soon.

We've had another meltdown. DS was hysterical and screaming rather than crying. I had no idea what to do and the bloody wankers next door were loudly discussing who was gonna come round and tell us to STFU! Noone apparently as I am not currently digging a grave in my back yard! DP's still at work so I rang my dad to get me some cal gel as I think it must be teeth. I calpolled, him cal gelled him, force fed him a bottle and he's sparked out on my chest! Bring me brandy!

Brandy for willyou

ISpy I know how you feel about not having anyone to talk to, DH and I have had a difficult time juggling his unemployment then very challenging new job and new baby. If I spoke to my family I would only get "I told you so" and my closest friend loves to bitch about her DH, so would not give very constructive responses. We had a very calm but constructive chat about our feelings (like Stakes said) and we settled a lot of tension.

Honey unfortunately the mental health system is so disjointed and muddled (think Mr. Messy of the Mr Men) they couldn't manage to treat/support anyone who didn't tick the exact boxes for each service. It's equally frustrating when I try to refer someone and get told "they don't meet our criteria". I hope the waiting list speeds up for you, and the right support comes quickly.

We have had the second green runny poo in 2 days, is this a teething thing or has he just been poorly? He hasn't been himself for the last week, had assumed it was the start of teething but the poo has made me think otherwise. I have also had a sore throat since Monday and tonsils red, glad work is just for this week, don't think I'll be going back full time!

Yes, brandy all round (I have lots of Jack Daniels in the house, but no coke to drink it with :( )

I have plenty rum but no coke too Eggs. Green runny poo can be teething, we have it here too.

Yup, eggs that sounds about right. A few years ago I was in hospital having a blood transfusion because of repetitive self harm making me anaemic but the DSH team couldn't get involved because it wasn't a specific episode of self harm that got me admitted...

OBEM makes me need to have another baby somewhen (not right now obv!)

Lots of stuff said tonight that I want to respond to but am too tired after having people over for dinner. So I wil leave it as a rain check, with brandy for all and a decent night sleep for babies and mother alike.

Honey i don't have any suggestions other than could you not go back to your GP and explain all the messing round is making you feel worse and see if he could get you a urgent referral so that your not on the waiting list as long. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

Willyou i would of been tempted to knock on their door and tell them to stfu as they were disturbing the baby ha

Ispy, i hope your conversation goes well with DP. Could you ask someone to babysit whilst you have the conversation and maybe go out and have a date night at the same time.

Isthat bet you were dead proud of your LO at the MRI. Congrats on getting him to sleep. And on his weight gain.

Stacks hope your dads op goes well when he has it.

Seconds i can totally understand where your coming from. Its not that you want them to change your LO's nappy you just want them to have some quality time together. Maybe they don't feel confident handling babies and they maybe so much better on your next visit. Hope you enjoy the rest of your trip out there.