October 2011 - my, oh my, how the first years flew by!! It's birthday season!!

[MummyDuckAndDuckling]

So excited that the first birthdays are upon us! Will try get a copy of the stats..

To be there are two issues (i) John and (ii) his family

I never interacted with my dad's family as it turned out he was the prodigal son so therefore nothing was his fault (I was the reason he didn't do well at school and therefore flunked out on life - yes I was told this as had a period of interacting with him and his family around 16-18). However I see no reason if they are honestly nice people for you not to have a relationship with them even without John on the scene. If they turn out to not be able to separate you and S apart from John then you can cut contact again. Although I am inclined to think that if they honestly wanted a relationship they would have made more effort

(ii) John: My dad would have one or two meetings with me every few years in the first 10 years. Similar theme, he was sorry, we would have regular meetings then nothing happening. tbh it didn't really effect me, although I imagine it did my DM. She never bad mouthed him, just said they were two young for it to work and they went their separate ways (or they were never really together proper anyway). It was once I got to 16 that it hit me and I seeked contact out. I guess as you become an adult you start thinking about this stuff. I am glad my mum took the route she did and never stopped him making contact when he did. It's like he was ever around long enough to act toxic (not that he was) or cause damage. In the time I saw him I came to my own conclusions and stopped contact (that because I hated him, just because I thought he was pathetic, his guilt clouded everything and he turned into the young man he was when I was born - assumed DM had badmouthed him and was defending himself when I wasn't even bothered). Of course if he had messed with my mind much when I was young, I'm sure DM would have put a stop to it. Like MrsH said, at this age she won't remember so is a good time to test things. I know he doesn't deserve it but I think it comes down to knowing you did your best to ensure S could have had a father and if he doesn't become one, then the blame lies squarely with him. Naturally don't put yourself out for him either. What you do know is about being able to look S in the face when she is older (I'm not saying your feelings don't count)

anyway that's my take on it, hope some of it OK

Thank you mrsh, cp

That's exactly it, if this is going to happen and waters be tested, then I want it to be now while she is still young. At the end of the day, I will never bad mouth her dad to her as he is after all her dad. The guilt over not seeing her is with him, not me. Although the immense guilt I feel that it's very unlikely me and him with ever be together again and therefor she won't grow up with her dad around every day is something that eats me up inside. I know loads of children grow up like this, but as its not something I have experience with I can only imagine what it will be like to her. I know it's not to say I don't meet someone in the future who is happy to take on the 'dad' role to her.
mrsh I've known him for 6 years (together on and off for a year at the start, then friends for few years then we gave things another go which ended just before I found out j was preg) and he isn't a bad guy which is what throws me as to why he just walked away from everything like he did. His sister had a baby young, father not involved and the way he spoke about him was with such anger that I never once thought it would be like it is.

Still no reply back from him yet, it's like deja vu all over again....

What a hard dilemma! Agree with penguin that there are two issues here, John, and the family. Also, feel free to disregard everything I say!

I think you need to give the aunt and other GPs a chance at least. That way, if S ever asks later, you can say that you did try. You may be surprised, and if it doesn't work out, at least you'll know. Also, from a biological perspective, it would be good to at least meet them. My cousin doesn't know his father and doesn't mind, but now he's in his late 40s he wishes he at least knew what genetic issues his dad may have (ie heart problems, diabetes etc) - S may feel the same when she's older. I guess I am just thinking about tricky conversations you may have with 16 y/o S if things stay the same and how to make those easier now!

As for the father, perhaps any contact could come with conditions as to how regular it needs to be - ie once a week/fortnight/month? At this stage that would be good for you having it set in stone, good for S as it's regular, and a good test to see whether your exP has the b@lls to man up and do what it takes.

How hard this must be! And as I said above, feel free to disregard what I say.

duck I agree with what the others have said, take them as separate issues and I think if you give both the option to be in S life then it's up to them to work it out. I'm like you my parents are still together so it's hard to understand what S might feel like when she's older. DH however had his dad leave when he was 18 months old and his earliest memories are of screaming and fighting. Every time his dad came to pick him up it ended with fighting and it has really shaped the person he is today.
As CP says if you can remain calm and steady all the way through I think your actions will do more good than any damage he might be able to do.
Hopefully his family turn out to be lovely and supportive. Good luck it's not an easy situation x

Thanks ladies
It's always good to hear someone else's views on things. As it stands he hasn't replied yet. It's this that pisses me off . A quick snoop on his fb shows me that 10 mins after he text me yesterday morning he became friends again with his ex gf (the one who I was told gave him a hard time about visiting S when she was first born).
And of course as it was all I was thinking about last night, I've woke up having had all these vivid dreams about us being back together . I hate that he can stir up my emotions like this!!!

pene I dress all mine in trackie bottoms/leggings/jeans with long sleeve tops, short sleeve t shirts and jumpers, cardigans. Think, tesco, asda, matalan and some next. I love love love eva in dungarees, she looks mega cute. It would have to be a special occasion for the girls to be wearing expensive dresses and j to be wearing shirt and trousers. The amount of clothes i through away because i just cant get the stains off the front is ridiculous. And the kids don't give 2 hoots, so why bother?

I would try the old mn saying 'did you mean that to be sooo offensive'

cheshire There will be a rush on that liquid now (forgot the name) magic sleep liquid.

mummy I've had this dilemma with C, with slight variations. I take c to see her grandparents. I have done since she was 2, as he is estranged from them. They have done nothing short of worship the ground she walks on. They have helped me out more than i can remember and she loves them and still wants to see them regularly. I would definately say give them a chance.

As for her dad, it's a tough one. My opinion as always been that C should see her dad and i shouldnt stand in the way of that, as he is her dad and i don't want her turning around in her teens/adulthood saying you are the reason i dont have a relationship with my dad.
However, i think now, with the upteenth interview tomorrow with yet another cafcaass officer, how much i wish i would just have sabatoged their relationship early on and it would all be over.

I think he should get one last chance. I would tell him it's his last chance. Come to some rock solid arrangements. ie, every other sat at 1-5pm or something and tell him if he starts mucking you around the deals off. Then at least you can say to s that you did try but he kept missing contacts etc. It must be the worst feeling for a kid to be sat there all dressed and excited, waiting for their dad to pick them up and he keeps letting them down. That's probably why it's good to try him out now, while she's still young enough not to be upset by any future flakiness on his part. iyswim ?

engels Eva got a bash in the face yesterday too, when it met the floor. one of the naughty boys at playgroup decided to ram her from behind with a pram. She cut her lip with her tooth and had a red nose all day. She did that silent cry for so long i had to blow in her face to get her to breath. The dad of the boy said 'is she ok?' I dont think i answered, not purposefully, but just cos i was so concerned about eva. i probably made him feel 10 times worse than he already did. He took the boy home straight away anyway.
Hope m isn't too sore.

Turns out DS can climb the little indoor slides at playgroup and go down them by himself. He is also trying to run and then falling flat on his face. He is a climber so is always sporting a bruise on his face. Current one is from the face palming the hoover.

Update--

So he text back, basically shifting all blame into me saying how I'd told him I didn't want him around/involved- utter lies! So he was keeping his distance . He says he wants us to draw a line under everything and start fresh, he wants to get to know his daughter and be the dad he should be. While to an extent I welcome this, I'm just angry it's taken 14 months and is the same story he's came out with before!

I told him that I want him to be in her life, that I believe S should grow up knowing who her dad is, but I wont stand for being disrespected and S messed around. So I said he has one more chance, he fucks this up and he can fuck off sorry for language!

So, I'm just waiting to hear what his next response is. I never thought this day would come, I was enjoying it being just me and her. I don't want to share her now

Hope everyone is good. cp s is becoming a climber, can get onto couch and has came close to leaping off the sides

Just catching up!

duck what a tough situation. I think you've done the right thing re one more chance and then thats it. As someone else said at least if you find out he won't commit to visits now S won't remember and won't be upset by it and you'll still know you've given him the chance.
Re the grandparents situation I'm not really sure on the one hand why haven't they contacted you sooner and on the other I can see what a weird position they must be in having never met you. Could you maybe meet them for a coffee without S and test the waters that way?

pene W wears track suit bottoms and dungarees with the odd pair of jeans. I think he looks fine in them (and v cute in dungarees as sassy said) I buy them for the fit and comfort as W is so skinny we have trouble sometimes finding ones that are long enough but still stay up! (And he's wearing baby grows at the moment so I don't have to pull things over his head - that's so going to get me some looks when we venture out of the house!)

duck certainly sounds like a headfuck

just take solace in the fact that you have the high ground and did right. If he can't let go of his guilty and keep needing the project it onto you with his twisting of the situation, then it will be him that is haunted. Also be aware he might be sabotaging himself on purpose, engineering (perhaps unconsciously) an situation that makes you tell him to go away because then he can turn round to his friends and family 'see I tried, but duck...'

This might be against the grain, but I'm not sure about going straight into/talking about weekly visits. For now I'd keep them as one off events and take it from there.

once they are older mothercare isn't bad for skinny toddlers. HnM is good as well, although having reusable nappies certainly helped. The few trackie bottoms we do have for DS fall off when he wears a disposable. Although a lot of places do the elasticated adjustable waists, watch out for the material as if it's quite stuff, once it is tightened up they can be quite uncomfortable for DD. You want nice soft stretchy material. So some jeans and those skinny trouser materials can be bad.

Hooray for my new cafcass officer. She was brilliant. Saw through him in 5 minutes and agreed he doesn't have a normal perspective on life. She was talking about having him diagnosed or being observed, until she met C, and decided she was so level headed and has the measure of everyone, that it might be better to just let her dictate if she wants to go or not.

The solution she suggested was to get rid of the court order. No contact will be in place and its up to c to decide when she goes. The consequence of that is he wont be able to take me to court ever ever again. Almost crying with relief. But still got to wait until the court date and the judges decision, she may still say no, but im hopeful she wont.

I can almost smell freedom

That's brilliant news sassy
Fingers crossed it all still goes to plan!!!

That's great sassy

Oh sassy, what good news for you

I need to do some work tonight

Such good news sassy.

A has been having nightmares - anyone else had their babies having this? He cries and cries at night, sometimes it's wimpers, and sometimes it's screams. Thing is, his head stays down though so we wonder if he's still asleep. The night before last he appeared to even be crawling in his sleep, hit his head on the end of the cot, and woke up screaming. It's about 3 times a week and we're not sure what to do. Getting him up doesn't work as he's so clingy only co-sleeping will do afterward.

Plus, it makes me sad to imagine what he might be having such bad dreams about

duck sorry to hear about all your drama. must be very unsettling. nothing to add to the wise words of the rest of the Oct ladies, but thinking of you

pen M does that sometimes. If he's really screaming could be teething? M normally sleeps so well, but when his molars were coming through he screamed for an hour, would only get to sleep when rocked and with us, and then woke up again at 4am to exercise his lungs again.

sassy great news

I am heading into work on my day off tomorrow for bloody meetings Going to miss my lay in morning with M.

I second pain

We're having similar Pen and one molar just arrived

M has had the most awful poos and wind since we got back from England (and when we were there as well come to think of it).

He's eating and drinking like normal, no temperature.

He's just a poo machine - The smell in his room this morning was disgusting!

Am initiating M in the wonders of Disney - have just put Snow white and the seven dwarves on

And now he's dancing along to "Whistle While You Work"

S is on about 4/5 poos a day right now and they stink!!!!
at the dancing!

Good god........4/5 poos a day, from 1 child.

Can you imagine if that happened in this house???

12/15 poos a day would have me abandoning ship.

I know!! Before she was maybe 2 times a day max. No idea what's going on inside her

No words of advice here Mummy. I personally wouldn't want to see the other Family members though if I had never seen them before anyway, plus why have they not got in touch sooner if they are that arsed? . Sounds like he phrases his texts in such a way that you have to contact him, otherwise then he can blame it on you though.

One poo a day here max but been screaming since 6pm and DH has gone out so there is nobody for me to pass her too and I am not a patient person. She has had all the drugs I can give her. I hate stupid teeth. I feel so sorry for her but I find constant noise very stressful (this I have learnt tonight).

Can we set up a babysitting service, including over night, whereby everyone hands their babies to the October Mummy for that day/night? If we set up a rota I might only have to put up with the screaming every 10 days or so Not sure how that would work with the overseas babies though!

Pene I think P is not awake sometimes when she yells through the monitor. It's like being woken in the middle of a horror movie