Hi all
Sorry I have been out of touch!!! Finally got a second to post birth story and a bit of an update. It hasn't been an easy 10 days since little Tom got here on 28 October.
I'm going to be frank and say that the past week and a bit has been the hardest of my life. This is the closest I've ever come to actually not being able to cope. It's so SO worth it to have Tom (it's hard to believe how much I love him) and give him cuddles but I'm only just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I mean things are getting exponentially better day by day and we're feeling more happy and less overwhelmed now but it's been a rough ride. It's been a full-on assault for all three of us, even DMIL has found it very very hard (and she raised three hell-raisers!!).
Delivery was very fast after my waters broke spontaneously after second dose of induction gel (about three hours total for 1-10cm dilation and delivery... normally it's about 1cm dilation per hour). Contractions were very fast, very close together and very FUCKING painful, eternally grateful for the epidural. Went from calm to feral screaming in about 2 minutes. An epidural by the way does not make the pushing baby out part completely painless.... why did nobody tell me that! I can safely say I totally underestimated how painful it would be, not sure if that's just because of the induction. I mean while they were examining me (just had gas and air at that point - anaesthetist was waiting for urgent 20 min bloods to come back b/c of my high blood pressure) if someone had said they had a gun and would shoot me in the head I would've said yes. I actually begged the midwife who helped me stagger into the delivery room for a c-section with general anaesthetic .... "no, dear....".
Tom did poos inside (distress from the induction) and inhaled meconium (baby's first poo) so he had to get suctioned quite forcefullly and have CPR when his heartrate plummeted. Midwife and paedaetrician started yelling and the emergency team rushed in, it was like a scene out of ER and I do not ever want to repeat that experience. :( it was all too much for poor DH who passed out at that stage with the shock of seeing poor little Tom's arms flailing limply around as they did chest compressions, and he had to be taken out by the midwives :( we narrowly avoided having Tom go in to intensive care, thank god. I had a second degree tear which took an hour of stitching but it's not too painful and is recovering well. Hahaha on a funny note there was a totally wet fourth year med student who observed the birth - first delivery he'd ever seen. DH said the look of abject horror on his face as I tore when Tom was crowning was priceless. 
We got home last Tuesday. Have had major bfeeding problems which were not getting any better on my own in the very busy hospital. Basically because the hospital was so busy we were just sort of dumped on the postnatal ward after my stitching was done and DH was told to go home as it was the middle of the night - me in floods of tears, bleeding profusely and trying to dress baby/feed him for first time with no help/trying to walk around and change him even though epidural hadn't worn off. Had to give him formula for a day or so when he stopped wanting to eat and had signs of dehydration. We are trying to get the bfing back on track while also getting nutrition into him however possible. Have hired a big hospital grade milking machine ;) so he is on bottled expressed milk most of the time except when I can get him to latch. There have been lots of tears (mostly mine rather than Tom's) - less so in the past few days - but I'm trying my best to keep my chin up and not feel like a failure. Baby blues hahaha yeah right more like being hit by a hormonal freight train!!
I did not expect breastfeeding to be this hard - the docs/midwives think it's because his delivery was so traumatic/had suctioning etc he doesn't like things in his mouth and his head is a bit sore. DMIL was shocked as well at how hard it's been - I think all three of us thought that people who said they couldn't breastfeed were just a bit lazy/not committed enough - we are completely 100% corrected on that point. I thought you just put them to the boob and they would just get on with it like every other mammal on the planet, but this is certainly not the case. DMIL was actually the one who suggested to just get him home and feed him formula if we had to, because I just wasn't coping in the hospital and he simply wasn't eating. We weren't prepared for anything other than breastfeeding so had to get our head around bottles/sterilising etc - a friend went out and got everything we needed and taught us what to do, it was massive help. Also I think the lack of support at the hospital has made a huge impact on getting feeding established - not to say the staff weren't fantastic, but only when I could get hold of them.
Anyway he is thriving now and that's the important thing - eating lots and lots of expressed milk and sometimes getting in one or two boob-sucking sessions in a day. He's putting on weight and is happy in every other way! It's not sustainable though to continue this very time consuming try-to-latch/give him a bottle if it doesn't work/pump milk/sterilise bottles cycle - the home-visit midwife has said to give it till Saturday. I am going to do booby boot camp between now and Saturday - just stay in bed with him as much as practical with lots of skin to skin. In practical terms he has to be breastfeeding fully and properly by the end of this month when we fly to NZ, otherwise he will have to be fully on formula. Sorry for that in-depth analysis of breastfeeding issues.... I guess it seems like not a big deal to normal sane people but that's what's been the biggest headfuck on top of the traumatic delivery and awful first few days.
So what have we been doing the past few days?? Trying to feed him, cuddle him, change him frequently, take pictures of him..... try to keep sane.... it's getting better all the time though. Today feels like the first day where I really enjoy him and am not just terrified and feel like a failure. He is perfect and an easy baby in every other way though - it's honestly just the feeding.
I think a lot of this was my mismatched expections. All of us just expected I would bf no problem and my Type A personality has not helped. Have tried everything I can think of. We are going to give Medela Calma teats a go today. Just got to get to Saturday and will reassess.
Hope all you lovely ladies and babbas are doing well!!Sorry I haven't been able to catch up on what you all have been doing. I have to get ready to take Tom and myself to doctor shortly (need to check up on my high blood pressure) and I need to change him and figure out how to to take a bottle of expressed. Yes, things like going to the doctor, everything else about taking care of a baby - the 24/7 job of trying to get him to breastfeed makes this nigh on impossible.
Fuck. Sorry for the rant. 