Dec 08 Mums - still biffing on

[LadyThompson]

Yes, yes, it's a bit lame. I wanted to say: "Still fucking on!" but wary of causing offence....

I know 'biffing' is a bit PG Wodehouse, as well. You'll just have to humour me

Aaahhhhh have had another massive screaming match with ds2 today. I actually got to the stage where I thought I would really hurt him badly. I smacked him, several times, though did it on his jeans in an attempt to not hurt him too much. But emotionally it all comes out the same doesn't it. Has anyone got any idea how to stop them escalating. I'm su it is something I am doing wrong, the way I react or something but I can't pinpoint the moment that I say something or do something that pushes him over the edge

Oh Vag. That is hideous. It's not you. Please don't think that. It's such a difficult age and you can do things one way one day and it's fine. Next day same thing and all hell breaks loose. I put DD1 in her room, shut the door and walk away until she's calmed down. If we're in public I tend to pull her in close and growl threats at her. But quite often at home, I can think I'm staying calm and dealing, but something snaps and I smack. You know we have similar attitudes on this. Thinking loving thoughts at you xx

Vag Oh hon, have been there many times. If we could say what it was that tipped us over the edge, it probably wouldn't happen. Sorry for brief post but just to say do not beat yourself up about it, you are a brilliant BRILLIANT mum

Beans Am totally sending you vile-sisters-are-vile hugs too :) Cathartic to have written even if you don't send - why don't you speak to other sister first? Always good to share specially as it sounds like she'll totally agree with you x

She's on hol, but have texted her. Now feel like I'm being petulant.
Have you decided what to do about your sis, kiwi? I think bigger person probably rises above it!

VAg seriously please dont beat yourself up. MY DS2 is as vile as can be sometimes and infact had an epic 45 min screamthon round Sainsburys last wk and I had to sit on him to get him to calm down enough to put his seatbelt on I think 3 is such a ruddy hard age they are still babies in so many ways but yet are trying so hard to be big boys & girls and sometimes it just doesnt work and all hell breaks loose. I often dont think DS2 even knows why he is so angry. Big love and have a cocktail. Tomorrows another day. xx

Beans I too have had hideous issues with one of my sisters in the past involving some quite horrific emails being sent to me. But I do think you are right not to send it especially not when you are so angry. I would take the night to think about it and re write it tom. When you can be more calculating and measured. Maybe inc your other sister and word it in a way so that you can between the 3 of you get a plan in place for chrimbo which allows your parents time with you all in the least stressful way possible. Stay strong.

Jam, you are wise woman. Our new nursery teacher said something so obvious the other day, but which I needed to hear re Whizz - they're still so little. We expect a lot of them and they're wee. you're a fab mum, Vag, and I think a lot of us on here find you inspiring And we seek your advice. Fret not!!

Yes, I will delete it, I think. Paste on my don't mind face and carry on. I just know she's thoughtless, but that's always the excuse used for her and it's getting a bit wearing now she's nearly 44!!!

X

Huge sympathy on the fury with 3.5 year old front. T has pushed all my and DP's buttons on the last few days and we have had to manhandle him everywhere. Shut in room as early as 6am. Biting, kicking, screaming. I thought he had turned into the devil child but it sounds like there's something going on right now.

But please be gentle with yourself, Vag, I can only echo what everyone else is saying about what a fabulous mum you are. I know it's no consolation when they are being little shits. It. will. pass. (won't it?)

Kiwi, you poor lamb, so glad you at least had the distraction of a sexy doctor. Sending lots of healing and sleeping vibes.

Beans, I am very glad you got all that out in writing. How would it be if you spoke rather than wrote? At least you wouldn't have a permanent record that she could hold against you...

For any of you early risers, I've started a thread where I try to live by Granny murray from Me Too!'s aphorisms over in chat. Yup, I need a hobby. here

Sorry beans I didn't see your post earlier. I actually think you could send her an email which includes that last paragraph, you could start with it something saying how tired your mum & dad are and that is why you and DSIS2 are not staying overnight. It could just be a polite email, letting her know what might be best for all. Am shocked that, in the circumstances she is going away. How long do they go to France for?

Thanks for all your kind words, it helps to know I'm not the only one. Beans I sometimes wander if smacking as a punishment is better than smacking frustration. I really don't like how I feel in these cases. And yoir right, I say all the right things and stay calm and then all of a sudden I snap and fly off the handle. Ds2 has said a couple of times recently when he does something mildly naughty "don't shout me mummy, it scares me". How bad does that make me feel!

Beans, I'd be bloody tempted to send it. This is about your Dad and not her.

Vag, I've had the worst day with DS1. We've been out and I swear I could have left him there and just gone home. He's the loveliest little boy in the world 80% of the time. But he's so bloody ungrateful. He's been on a steam train, to the beach, had chips and ice cream. But still demands toys and more stuff. DH had to step in after I lost my temper and he got him to calm down.

Good morning ladies, apologies for not being on for a while. I seem to have been very busy doing nothing lately!

beans I actually think that maybe you should send that email, or at least some of it to your sis. She clearly isn't thinking about your mum & dad at all. My own sis can be very selfish blinkered, most things revolve around her and her own until a gentle shove brings her back to reality.

vag Oh my word I hear you! I have smacked DS out of shear frustration before now, especially after all his pre-school antics. You are only human lovely and a bloody fantastic mum. It happens, this age is so challenging for all sorts of reasons. They seem to be growing up but are still so little. There is no right or wrong way to handle any of it - whatever gets you through I say! Defo agree with jam.

rubes Hope your okay,sounds like things are still manic for you at he moment.

kiwi How you feeling today?

DS has his hearing test on Wednesday. I wonder how he will get on, what if he is a bit deaf and that does account for some of his shocking behaviour...maybe I'm just looking for excuses...actually he hasn't been too bad at home. Its definitely pre-school that brings the worst out in him.

Right I'd best go and get some breakfast and sort this house out. DD's 'friend' ie the object of her obsession is coming to play this morning. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing but she asked and her mum is coming for coffee too. Lovely & sunny so we shall kick them into the garden I think!

I bloody love you lot. Elsewhere on MN smacking gets "don't do it again, violence, hitting someone smaller than you blah blah blah I have never ever smacked my child". Noone will admit to it. Well they are bloody well lying.

I lose it with dd too. She is just so bloody difficult! I hate myself for losing it. I know there are other ways to deal with it. Sometimes, sometimes I think a smack can be a good effective punishment but onl when delivered as part of dealing with things calmly not when losing it, losing it causes fear, is irrational and lacks consistancy. However, I do lose it and I yell and someties swear and I say things I shouldn't and I smack. And then I have to listen to dd playing with her toys and telling them off and saying they will get a smacked bottom and I want to die.

However, yesterday I gave a sharp, effective smack. We were out at a National Trust place and dd threw a major strop after our picnic on the way to the den building activity. She screamed and screamed, I was hurting her, it was too hot, the hill was too steep, she didn't want to build a den, she wanted to build a den, she needed to wipe her nose, she wanted to go home, she didn't want to be outside she wanted to be inside, I was squashing her.....all at full volume. I ignored and dragged and I told her I wouldn't talk to her if she shoulted at me so each new complainted was screamed several times then the screaming stopped and he nicest most polite voice came out to say "mummy I don't want to be outside" to which I replied that I understood and then the screaming started again. Eventually though she didn't stop, she was getting violent, was squirming out of my grip and running away, she was ruining the day for poor ds1 so I gave her a smack. The tantrum was over within 30 seconds of that, she walked the rest of the way happily and spent a couple of hours den building very happily.

Kiwi you win on the disasterous night!

Bean the mind boggles, it really does. I hope you manage to talk some sense into your sister. FWIW though, I know it seems to you like totally the wrong thing to do and I know it pisses you off because you would love to spend the night with your mum and dad but are sensitive to their needs but she is like this, she has always been like this and your parents still love their daughter for all her flaws, they know what she is like and accept it. I don't think it is worth fighting over, a few subtle hints perhaps but I bet your parents would rather have her for the night and spend time with her even if it tires them than have her flit away and hardly see her or have all of you fighting.

Oh Indith you made me cry when you talked about hearing DD talking to her toys. For me it is hearing my sweet gentle DS1 speaking to DS2 the way i do. Also when both of them are impatient with me & each other & want everything now, & I know it is my fault because I call them or ask them to do something & am annoyed if they don't answer me immediately. I think I have a little of what Nolda feels, DS1 was so easy& never screamed, whereas DS2 screams for everything! I think he is starting to see my preference for DS1. But I love them both to bits, and if given the choice of two kids like DS1 or a DS1 & a DS2 I would def go with my two boys & their lovely different personalities. Anyone off to the beach & I'm determined to enjoy them.

Beans how are you feeling about the letter this morning, have you spoken to your other sister?

Kiwi, how are you today? Any sign of your immune system?

Kayz your DH is very good with the boys, they clearly love & have so much respect for him. Such a good example for them.

Bon voyage! See you next wk.

Hello all! Spot Your Granny Murray thread made it onto the Mumsnet talk newsletter email thingy, I see . Fame! (of sorts)

Vag I think I might finally be on the mend, yes. Think it was the hot doctor who did it . Have not run now for 8 days and desperate to get going again before I lose too much fitness, so hoping to be able to go tomorrow. DH not on Limpics duty until pm so should be able to go to running club hooray!

Re smacking/ kids, I've had DD1 say to me - apropos of nothing, when we've just been chatting away, "I don't like it when you smack me Mummy". . It's not like is a regular occurence but it obviously makes a big impression (not literally I hasten to add) Then again the other day she burst into tears and howled "I'm sad Mummy!!" and I said "why?" and she howled "I'm sad because I need a poo and you said we aren't home yet!"

Errr yup. That's a tragedy and no mistake

Thanks all. Tips always gratefully received. I have slept on it, as advised and find it matters less this morning. I am just always staggered by how entirely wrapped up in herself she is. Makes me fume and sad and if we weren't sisters, we definitely wouldn't be friends. I love her dearly, but it doesn't necessarily mean I like her particularly, IYSWIM?

Indith - you are a far nicer person than me. And, to be honest, it's more about my Mum, who spends her life putting us off coming to stay as she says it tires Dad out. Truth be told, Dad would love all of us to come and stay. But what she means is it tires her out! She won't really let us do anything and wants to do it all herself and insists on doing all the cooking and clearing up! Drives me bonkers! But then I see myself doing exactly the same when friends come to stay - she needs to learn to accep the help we're offering!

I don't know if this makes you feel better or worse, Vag, but one of my daughters' (not entirely sure where apostrophe goes there - any clues?) favourite games is naughty step. They put their dollies on the naughty step and if they continue to be naughty, they get shouted at and smacked. I can't think where they have got that idea from. Ahem. But they spend so much happy time doing it, I don't have the heart to stop them. Today has been a surprisingly easy game, especially as am in the throws of potty training DD2! She is being a little wonder and only one accident so far... Although a poo has yet to make an appearance. Could be interesting...

Jam! HAVE A MARVELLOUS TIME!

My sister is much the same, wrapped up in herself and her life and yes I love her and care about her but we don't get on. It amazed me when I first was with dh to find he spends a good hour a week on the phone with his brother. Anyway I have had to come to accept that my parents do get frustrated with my sister but they love her so all I can do is hint at things she could change but I can't wade in. Her wedding and my dad has been a sticking point recently. Not on the same scale as with your dad of course.

Have a great time Jam!

Today has been mental! dcs shattered as they didn't go to sleep until late because dd was pissing around after falling asleep in the car so they are very grumpy but dd fell asleep in the car again. Oops. Have managed to bung dinner on now feeding baby waiting for friend to come pick a sleeping bag up. My house has transformed into a complete hovel. I'm sure it was quite respectable a couple of days ago. Have also stupidly offered some baby stuff for free on a local FB forum that is in the bags that were going to go to the charity shop and have people asking about it so I need ot go drag it back out of the car and remind myself what is in there so I can answer questions. Then I'll have to organise pick ups. why did I do it?

Oh and got to town today, decided it was too hot and since the old buggy lives in the car boot and ds2 now big enough I'd stick him in there instead of the sling. Of course I got him in it then realised there was a rather vital screw missing and the seat was only half supported. Oops and buggar. Luckily I had a sling!

Dh was supposed to be taking the kids off my hands a fair bit this weekend then informed me he was rowing Sat morning and then the plaster said he could come do the loft Sunday but dh has some bits of boarding left to do so he'll have to do those Saturday afternoon and even if he does take them out Sunday I won't have peace as the plasterer will be here.

Never mind! At least it will be done so we can get it painted, hit Ikea and move the girl in! Then I can think about when to kick the baby out. I love co-sleeping with little babies but I am not really qualified to be a full on attachment type as I also love kicking them out.

This is what I sent instead:

Hi DSis

Been thinking about Xmas since our chat last night. My advice would be that you avoid staying a night in parents house and fly into Heathrow and stay at your home, and then go to parents house for the day on Xmas Day, same as Claire and me. Then either stay another night back in London and fly back out of Heathrow, or fly back from Gatwick direct from parents house. I'm sure there'll be loads of trains down there, or else you can hire a car.

I just honestly think that it would be far kinder to Mum and Dad if you didn't stay - nothing personal! They both get so very tired these days, and there's no knowing how Dad will be come Xmas. And that generally dictates how tired Mum is too.

Bossy little sister, but you did ask for my advice!!!!!

Hope you're still having a lovely time. Pru seems to have cracked potty training and is weeing on the potty with impunity. It helps that it's so hot they've spent the day naked! Although craps are yet to be tested. Suspect I may find a curler hidden somewhere around the house at some point. Joy.

I put last bit on so I didn't piss her off. Ever the compromiser! Spoke to Mum and she actually asked me to send it as DSis's children are so dreadful she doesn't want them to stay. How awful!! Eek.

Indith your DH needs a talking to!!?

That sounds good Beans, hope it works.

To be fair to dh he didn't know about the plasterer when he organised rowing, we had talked about him coming Tuesday. The extra stuff dh has to do up there before the plasterer is fairly basic and will make it look better finished but isn't vital, we'd agreed dh would do it before plasterer so long as he did it evenings as I need him in the day for a bit of a break, I'm finding the holidays hard tbh. Anyway this means he'll have to do it all Sat afternoon. Oh well.

Trying to persuage tired ds2 to go to sleep as ds1 and dd splash in the bath after playing out down the back road past bedtime. I fear it is getting rather shouty in there. Come on ds2 sleep!

Woop Woop. I bought the bootcamp issue of Women's fitness magazine and noticed a typo. They had said that 8g per kilo of bodyweight is the recommended daily intake for an adult. However, it is actually .8gm (or .5-1gm technically depending on how much muscle building your doing, but av is .8). Anyhoo, I wrote to the editor to point it out (I know nerd) & she was very grateful & sent me a free mag, & it just arrived this morning!

Also, Beans I didnt realise that story was real. Does your friend realise that story was doing the rounds on email a few years back, but in that story she had given her lady bits a bit of a freshen up with a cloth in the bathroom which it turned out her daughter had used to store her left over sparkles.

Quick smug post, which will doubtless come back to bite me on the arse... DD2 seems to have cracked potty training in two days. Takes herself off for a wee and even did a poo without prompting today!! Extraordinary. Sure once the novelty wears off she'll regress!

Vag, that's so nice to get a freebie. Nothing more pleasing!!

X

That is brilliant Beans!! Well done DD2!!

I have come with similar smugness! DS2 appears to be completely potty trained!! He hasn't had an accident in a week. Even his overnight nappies are completely bone dry. So pleased with him.

Hurrah for potty training!

I think we have a success of sorts here too as ds1 seems to have got night sussed finally! So far we have had 3 dry nights, one wet but he woke up as got out of bed mid wee so just a small patch in bed and he did the rest in the loo followed by another 3 dry. I'm trying to get 7 dry in a row and bribing him with the promise of a new lego model . If I get him sorted I'll try dd who probably could have done it ages ago but we couldn't face it on top of her waking 10 times a night.

HURRAH! How lovely.

We had a BBQ last night for 8 and it was really good fun, but wow it's hard work on us wimmin isn't it? Man stands outside and does caveman cooking, while we slave doing salads, marinating meat, laying table, getting it all sorted. We all got very drunk and I am feeling exhausted today. I went to bed at 1am and left 3 of the boys up, including DH. They were staying over. This morning, outside and the kitchen were totally cleared away (I'd done the washing up!!!), but DH had done the lot and the other lazy buggers had sat and chatted while he did it around them! How naughty! But I suppose they are guests!

DH has taken the girls to his parents' place as they have a pool, so the girls can swim. His sister is there with her little boy, so it's really nice. I opted to stay at home as it's rare to get time to myself. DH said he was fine with it, but was obviously a bit miffed I'm being so antisocial. But originally it was just going to be a swim and I wasn't expected to go and now it's lunch as well. Meantime, I'm now feeling really guilty. BUT I have hoovered the whole house, changed various sheets, hung out two loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms and done an online shop. HOW am I feeling guilty??? V annoying. Anyway, chores done and I'm going to put my feet up.

What's the news on here?

Amazing how you can feel guilty at having "time to yourself" when you are actually doing housework isn't it? We all do it though. "oh poor dh with all the children, can he cope? We should make a resolution to feel no guilt!

Plasterer has just left, the job looks good. Fingers crossed dh won't have to be away this week so we can paint Thurs/Fri then hit Ikea at the weekend and move dd in!

Oh this is so like maternity leave. DH makes the odd comment about how I have all that "time off" when DD1 is at nursery and DD2 naps. Um yeah those clothes magically wash themselves and fold themselves into your wardrobe, the house has magic fairies to clean it etc etc

I have woken up with an absolutely horrible headache and the grumps and we've run out of muesli because DD1 ate it all. Why can't she eat rubbish cereal like normal children eh??