December 2008: because i unwittingly finished the old thread

[waitinggirl]

oops. sorry. didn't realise i was post 1000. hope people find this...

I've just read back my post. God I'm crap at giving advice. Ignore me. Note to self not to ramble. Bullet points I think are best for me. I said nothing at all constructive like lady and Jolly did in about 2 lines.

Lady that's very kind. I had thought about dd but now I think I'm not going to worry with her. She vomits on about 7 outfits a day and they have a nanny who they are locking upstairs with the littles (she also has a v small littleun) it's mainly for ds, but I have just seen that Tesco has the skeleton things half price for 3 quid - bargain. I will have a look tomorrow and also at Sainsbury's for something in DS's size - he's a bugger anyway and it's hard enough to get him dressed in normal clothes so I don't want her or I to go overboard.

Have just walked to the shop - dd howled the whole way. Seriously this child does not sleep! Kiwi & WG I hope this helps - so far (and I know it's early days) but the 2nd child can be COMPLETELY different. DS napped all the time and was easy to settle at her age - she's a bloody nightmare. I hope it's just an early days thing, but if not, I hope the trade off will be that she's more clingy than DS is in public places when she's a toddler!!

Oh and Lady that small boy at ITNG sounds just like ds! - Actually I'm not sure, he's quite obsessed with TV and tends to just sit there so you never know....

WG: what a shocker of a night. You've had some good advice on here (and I may well be x-posting) but I would add that I think things can be really hard for fathers in today's world. They are expected (and enjoy) to be more hands on but they also have the pressure of being the traditional breadwinner. And all that bubbling pressure and anger and sadness doesn't have an effective safety valve. Mothers can talk to each other and share the misery and support each other. I don't think many men have the same support networks, so they're either keeping quiet or relying on their partner for support when said partner is pretty frazzled herself. I'm not saying we have it easy - far from it - but whrn it comes to messy things like anger and fear we have more options. This group is a good example, we've seen each other through a lot. My DH certainly has nothing similar. He occasionally gets parenting advice on Twitter but that's not quite the same...

All this is saying that I can empathise with how he feels ZbUT I have no idea how to fix it. Or if it can/should be fixed. May e he just needs someone to talk to.

Yep, Effie, v much agree with all that.

And Rubes, also agree re my DD2! She is really hard to settle and sleeps a heck of a lot less. And is still eating for Britain!

Those of you with two...when does it start to get easier? (Don't say 'never' ) From when I woke until 4pm I was basically just dodging between the two of them. Apart from the time I snatched on here (and I am a fast typist), I barely had time for a wee or a drink. There is always someone who needs food/a new nappy/whatever...DD1 has been asleep since 4 and DP is now home but I feel completely frazzlefied again. I am not unhappy, just knackered and my back hurts. And can you believe my incision/scar still hurts? It is still a tiny bit gungy in one v small area but it looks very good. However, I do feel I should feel stronger by now - I had it done 4 weeks on Wednesday!

Lady I'm hardly qualified to reply to your question but I will say it DOES get better and I'm only 2 months on from where you are. Give it another month.
For me, it got a lot better when I 1,stopped BF which was about at about 2 months and b throwing myself in. IE the day I forced myself to drive to Westfield (dropping DH at work then continue on with the 2 of them and spend FIVE hours alone with them, I thought I was going to come out of it a nervous wreck, but it helped, and then the at home stuff (feeding / bathing the two of them together, bedtime routine by myself all seemed like a walk in the park.
Seriously - you will get so much more comfortable when you find the best way to do things, the way that works best for you, dd1 and dd2, and soon it'll be easier than dp helping!
My dh has been working a shed load though, for eg he is on call again tonight and at best won't be back until 9pm, and will only be home till 630am and that is if he doesn't get called in during the night...
The hardest part has been when I've been sick - I felt awful, and it was a struggle, especially as ds was sick and dd I actually thought, how do people do this if they get very very ill, and then the reminder of AVO in bed that time..... yikes.

why do I always use brackets but never close them? Idiot.

Thanks Rubes. I figured when DD2 is three months things might be better, so that's kinda Christmas, which is ok. I do count my blessings as I don't feel depressed, but I am deffo healing vv slowly. It doesn't feel like there is anything wrong with my scar now, just like it is all a very very slow healer. I reckon it's just a case of being patient (for once!) Hmm, know what you mean about illness though.

Is your DH's heavy work pattern because of the new place he's at? How is he finding it?

Evening ladies I will attempt to post a logical post :S.

Lady this may sound silly but how is your diet. Are you getting lots of green leaffies? If its not been great of late and I know fitting in meals with one child let alone two can be tricky, maybe a multi vitamin tablet with lots of zinc & vit E might help. Also some good oils & lots of water.

WG I remember early on your DH being a bit obsessed with sleep. I think Effie is right men are under a lot of pressure these days with no outlet. Also worse still your DH & his family traditionally don't talk about stuff do they. Little sleep and middle of the night freak outs go hand in hand but to say that he hates is life is quite full on. I think he needs to see someone or start properly talking to you or someone close about his fears.

Spot I think I meant did you talk about a lot of stuff not the lottery

Pubes I thought your post was very helpful you explained yourself well. I'm like you, I'm more likely to go mental at DH, he never really ever starts an argument. We fight very little but that is mainly due to him knowing how to handle me. Poor thing I am hard on him, if one of the boys hurts themselves on his watch I go spare and get all accusing at him. But if it happens when I'm looking after them he never blames me and is very nice about it.

WG I agree with Effie. Through our couples counselling I have only now discovered how desperately low my DH felt around the time our second child was born. He has no really close chums nor would he talk about things like that with his family. Hopefully, you can get your DH to talk more to you about how he is feeling, although I realise that is added stress for you that you don't need whilst you are pregnant etc.

Gosh ditto Vag - that's exactly like it is with us!! Exactly!

Lady - dunno he says they are very disorganised where he is now, and he also doesn't know how they do things there etc yet. It's much quieter with trauma stuff, but much busier with electives.
He's probably more busy with this other work he's taken on to be fair, but he's currently trying to write some software to make what he's doing much much quicker and he will then have next to nothing to do at home related to that. He's had some quiet days at work though and has been able to get some of it done there.
He just now accidentally called me from his pocket and it sounded quite busy!

bugger dh called - he was half way to the car and got called back in [irritated]

thank you all for your comments and insights. he knows he needs to talk to someone. but i'm going to try and get him talking to someone before number 2 arrives.

we'll be ok. thank you all...

Evening Ladies

Anyone else just watched Spooks? I love Richard Armitage. He looks very much like my first love and I do enjoy my hour with him on Monday nights.

WG - You have already had some great advice here. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you have been having bad nights and that your DH is struggling to cope. I know that in the past when I have been a bit depressed and anxious, I have had those moments in the night when everything blows up and feels huge and scary and terrible. It sounds like your DH is maybe a little depressed and I second the suggestion of some personal therapy for him. If he won't do it for himself will he do it for you and R and the new baby?

Lady - On reading your post I tried to think back to the first few weeks when I had two. And do you know what? I can't remember it! I think I was so tired and busy that my brain didn't have time to record any of it for memory. I actually feel a bit sad about that on DD2's behalf. Anyway, it is very full on having two. And while I am not sure that it will get any less full on in the near future, it will be easier to deal with once DD2 is sleeping more. You will also get used to it and develop strategies. TBH I could not have coped home alone with them both all day. DD1 was with a nanny three days a week and that was a god send. Are you still thinking of sending O to nursery when you move to your new house?

Nolda - Lovely to hear from you. I am glad that Relate is proving such a positive experience. I hope you and your DH come out of it stronger and happier.

Verso - Lovely to see you too. Like Lady I want to know if you are still considering ttc number 3.

Beans - I think jeggings can look OK with boots and a long sweater. I couldn't get away with it myself but I don't mind the look. Why not try some on and see what they look like?

Invis - Enjoy France. And yes the CSR was depressing. Morale at my work is very low and we are lucky enough that we should avoid compulsory redundancies. Nevertheless we are on a pay freeze, a promotion freeze, a recruitment freeze and our bonuses have gone. All that and we have to count ourselves lucky in comparison to many other Departments. I can't see how so many cuts, brought in so quickly, can do anything but damage the country more. But then I would say that as I work in the public sector!

Right, got to go as I have my assessment for my phobia therapy in the morning. I need to think of a articulate way to explain my madness!

You will have no probs, Avo, as you have explained it with great articularity on here. Good luck! Yes, I think O will go off to nursery when we move, even if it is only one morning a week (they are only open in the mornings...) Also, they only accept them when they are over 2 and that will not be until 25 Nov in DD1's case.

That's when the Ashes starts, cricket fans! (Ah, just me then ) Not that I will be seeing it, it's only on Sky and we don't have that here. And no highlights on any terrestrial channels Shame, as it would be hugely soothing to watch that during the night feeds.

Hope your DH is safely home now, Rubes.

Veggie, you are dead right as is often the case - my diet hasn't been as good as it normally is (fewer grren veggies indeed, but I had a large plate of tenderstem broccoli tonight). I am still taking the preggo vits though, until they run out.

Avo - sorry, didn't mean to add to the depression, it must be worse in the thick of it. I just feel depressed for my friends trying to manage through it and sad as I know they have been doing useful and productive things, which will be scrapped just as they are about to bear fruit. The likes of me wittering on about trips abroad can't help!

LadyT - in answer to your question, like Avo says, hard to remember but a few landmarks are a) getting more sleep (in our case at around 3 months) made a huge difference and then DS getting to the stage where he can amuse himself for a bit whilst DD is grew and got mroe and more able to do the same. DS toddlerdom has been much easier than DDs as he doesn't look to us for amusement, he just runs after his sis! Getting tricker again now as they are starting to squabble over stuff, but that's the way it goes.

WG - happy to see your post at the end of the thread. The dead of night is never a good time.

Hi Verso and Nolda!

hello,
Had a nice time at MILs. Now I feel mean for being horrid. DS slept really badly there, it's really annoying as he wakes up the bloody dog, and then the dog whines it's such a pain in the arse. But MIL didn't moan which was good. Oh and I HATE HATE HATE DS being around the dog as if he touches it too roughly it growls at him and I am permananently on edge if they are both in the same room. Fortunately the dog spent most of the imte upstairs.

LadyT re it getting easier for me it was 7 weeks when DD started sleeping better. It is still not easy on the days I have both of them though. If you are hoping to get stuff done, well you are better at managing stuff than me if you can! If I manage to keep the house in roughly the same condition and make tea on the days that I have both of them then that is a good day.
Also I still dont' have the hang of evening routine, mainly cos DD just SHOUTS from 5 til 6ish regardless of what you do and WAILS if you put her down, but I can't cook tea otherwise. Can't really put her in a sling to cook. The other day I decided to cook a big batch of cheese sauce as we had loads of leftover milk and DD was SCREAMING. DS decided to attack her. So I picked her up, she was SCREAMING, DS was SCREAMING and clinging on my leg as he wanted DD back to torment, I was stirring cheese sauce and thinking "HOW am I going to drain that pasta and get some cheese sauce on it when I can't put this baby down?" Such a pain in the bum!

wg glad you are feeling a bit better. And we don't fight often in the dead of night but when we do we always make sure we do it properly with big old screaming fits (usually from me)

WG, how are things today? It must be so hard for you both, but you can achieve great things with talking therapy. Can your GP put him on the waiting list asap? Some GPs are trained as counsellors as well (mine is, and a sex therapist to boot!) and might be able to make time at the end of surgery to help. Thinking of you. Things always worse in the night, alas.

LadyT, I think you will feel better and more able to cope once you physically feel better, IYSWIM. You poor thing, you have been so unlucky with the sections and the afterpains. Is there anyone who could come and stay to help out for a few days whilst you rest properly? I am worried you are doing too much. Alternatively, is there someone who could either do house works or child works while you rest? You know how fond I am of my teenage girls - absolute bloody lifesavers here. Could you find similar, even if they are playing with O when you are there? I also found liberal helpings of rich tea biscuits and C beebies a godsend.

Summer, I am very nervous with kids around animals. Lucy got bitten by a dog when she was about 3.5 and I am always twitching in case it happens again.

Hello Invis, good to see you. Glad new job is going well.

Nolda, hang on in there with the counselling. It will be worth it in the end. I wonder if we would benefit from it. Might stop the competitive tiredness.

By the way, anyone had a brazilian blow dry? Am sorely tempted. Are they safe? I am sadly no longer BF and won't be preg again, but are they generally OK?

Must nip off and make my mother a birthday cake, then grout my face and then drive to Guildford! Deep joy. I'll be back on later I hope. Love to everyone.

Lady its not necessarily the reason you are healing slowly (I have my theories on that as you know [stern matron face emotion]) but it would help move things along now. I'd keep up the pregnacare a little longer and get into some chickpeas, mixed nuts, soya products, sweet potato & eating nutty muesli for breakfast with bran.

Spot we had ok sleep lastnight which coincided with him eating all his dinner and most of his porridge pudding. So maybe some of it is hunger. He has really stepped up the top gropping for my boobs during the day since stopping night feeds, does T ask for more milk during the day now. When he does it I give him a special snuggle cuddle as I think he just wants the closeness but wonder if T does it too.

DS2 is becoming very outgoing in.public and has started say "ellow" cockney geezer style to anyone who walks close enough to him. It's really cute. His brother still has a teeny east London accent (his midlands accent has pretty much disappeared) so I'm not sure if he gets it from him.

Right better go we are seeing the first of 3 houses in 40 mins and I'm still in my PJs

Morning.

dd slept all night in her cot from 730pm-6am and only woke once for 10 min feed at 2am so I am feeling particularly sprightly not sure if it was keeping her awake in the AM more or the fact that her sleeping bag was in the wash so she was swaddled will be experimenting tonight.

DB hows Grandad and Nan today?

WG, how's DH and yourself?

Good luck with the houses Vag

Sybs I've had a Braz Blow Dry about 10 weeks ago - V safe if you go to a good place although most don't use formaldehyde these days anyway. Quite pricey mine was £200 and def didn't last the full 12 weeks it's suppose to, however my hair is weird like that and didn't take to a straightening treatment years ago and also won't stay curly with rollers
My friend had it done at less reputable salon and it didn't work period. My hairdresser didn't know and commented on the condition of my hair being brilliant.
Guildford - very near me [waves]

V excited as just heard today a good friend coming to town tomorrow Haven't seen her in about 4.5 years since my wedding

PS am I the only one who has 2 kids full time?

Oh - no Vag too of course! No nursery for you either right?

Avo - Good luck with your assessment today.

Lady - The early days with DC2 all a bit blurry in my memory but DD going to pre-school was a godsend. Another endorsement for Cbeebies.

Summer - I share your dog anxiety. My mother has a crazy rescue dog that I don't trust. My mother rarely looks after the DCs on her own because she has to shut up the dog otherwise there is too much going on for her to keep an eye on. Last time she had them, however, on my return I looked into the sitting room window to find the dog and children jumping about unsupervised as my mother had nipped to the loo .

Vag's DS1 goes to school though some of the time?
I guess most people on here except us second timers get the free hrs at nursery as their elder DCs are over 3, so yes probably just you Rubes and LadyT.

I think looking after 2 would be easier if bloody DS could be vaguely trusted around DD. It feels like a constant game to keep him away from her, a bit like the "How can you get the chicken, fox and grain across the bridge without one of them getting eaten"? problem, only harder.

Morning all, T properly ill today, up at 4am with a raging temp and just coughing and looking sorry for himself so today will be a bit of a sofa day I think. I know I'm guilty of doing too much with him when he's poorly and he'd probably get better much quicker if I just stayed in. But I have cabin fever already! What do you do when you have to stay indoors (other than cbeebies) and your DCs are too ill to go out but not ill enough to sit on the sofa docilely?

Hi Sybs, I don't know if I dare ask about a Brazilian blow dry. Do you get very straight pubes??? Good luck with the cake, what type are you doing?

SL I am glad you had a nice time but slightly disappointed in your lack of comedy stories.

WG that is v promising that DH is willing to go for counselling, a lot of men wouldn't . Totally sympathise with the middle of the night rows, they are a regular occurrence here and will surely only get worse with DS2. Sorry no answers, just bag loads of sympathy.

Veg, no we didn't talk about a lot of stuff (in fact I think we did touch on the lottery), cos sadly there's not much to say about the current situation, it just is tricky and so we had a nice time by talking about other stuff and knowing we could read a paper in peace in the morning. Your DH is amazing suggesting you have a whole week off.

BEans I think I may be a lone voice in the jeggings debate, but do ignore me as I have no style. The only thing I would say is that a well-fitting pair of jeans might last longer, fashion-wise...

Good luck with the CBT, Avo

Spot: DS2 will happily potter with paper abd crayons for ages, but DS1 wouldn't at this age. Very easy baking? Building stuff with tins out of the cupboard? Cars? I mostly let DS1 amuse DS2 which isn't much help. They had a competition for who could make the best farting noise in the bath the other night. Kept 'em happy for ages!