Termination many years ago - Will God forgive me or will I go to hell?

[wishitwasdifferent]

I apologise in advance for if this topic offends anyone or if this is not the right please to put it. But I want to ask for advise and don't know where else to turn.

When I was 19 I had a termination and it is something I feel more and more guilty about with every passing year. I am now in my 40's.

My Mum and Dad didn't even discuss with me the option of keeping the baby and it was a case of "here is the money, sort the problem, what will our friends and neighbours think" etc etc. I know it was the wrong thing to have done, I lay in the hospital shaking and in fact I was put to the back of the queue by the nurses as they knew I was very unsure, But I knew my Mum in particular would have been very very angry and so I went through with it.

There is not a day goes by that I don't regret it. I have other children now, but I wish I had fought to keep my baby, I wish I had been stronger for him/her and that I had given that child a chance. I managed to get my feelings under control (although still always guilty) until a few years ago. At that time my now ex husband said in arquements with me (he was an alcoholic)said that I was a useless Mum as I allowed my baby to be murdered and how could I call mself a good Mum if thats what I had allowed in the past. I knew he was just being cruel but it hurt and still does.

Then a few years ago my brother and his wife had a miscarriage. She found out I had had a termination and there was a massive row in the family as she wouldn't speak to me for what I had done. When they did go on to have childen I was not allowed to be a godparent because of my evil past. My Mum has never stood up and said they put the pressure on me to do it, I have taken all the flack from some family members in order to protect my Mum and Dad and I am disgusted with myself that I did it. Why oh why did I let it happen??

I am the most devoted mother ever, I love being a Mum, always wanted to be a Mum right from being very young (and really can't believe I did what I did) I am petrified of dying because of what may happen to me and I used to love to go to church but since the godchild incident, when I have sat in a church it makes me feel like a really evil person and the dying fears etc get worse.

My DH (I re-married) knows everything, is very understanding and tries to support me when I am down over the subject, but I wish I could sort my thoughts out over it all. Any advice please. x

I'm so sorry. I don't really follow religion so I can't advise much. But I do think that any God worth worshipping would offer forgiveness. Though, imo, there is nothing to forgive.

at your family. They sound awful.

I think maybe some counselling would help you with this.

This is not a religion thing, you don't need any god to forgive you. You need to forgive yourself.

You were put in an untenable position by your parents, and they have since allowed you to bear the brunt over what essentially was a decision they took for you.

Allow yourself to feel angry at them because until you acknowledge that anger you cannot forgive them for causing it, and you cannot forgive yourself for what happened. As long as you deny that anger, you deny anything that can follow it.

I'm sorry I cannot give you a god perspective - but nobody on Earth can do that anyway, so you might as well hear what I say.

God will forgive you, you just need to ask him I am sorry for what happened to you with regards to the termination and how your family reacted, must have been dreadful for you.

I obviously can't comment on your specific situation, but this Hell as a place of firey torment does not exist. God is merciful, forgiving, loving and kind, he does not punish people by sending them to hell.

Please keep praying for comfort from him and strength to graciously ignore your families reaction.

The only forgiveness you need is to forgive yourself. You family have behaved abominably towards you about this, am on your behalf.

Many Family Planning Clinics offer post abortion counselling, perhaps you could see if yours does? Maybe your GP can help.

Agree with pronoia, work on forgiving yourself.
Not punishing or atoning, forgiving.
Then work on from there within whatever religion you need to.

There is nothing to forgive. There is nothing wrong with having a termination.

What was wrong in your situation was that you were coerced into doing something you didn't want to do.

If anyone needs to be asking for forgiveness it's your parents. However, maybe they honestly thought they were doing the right thing for you at the time. Your mum absolutely needs to 'fess up to her role in this.

Your family sound very difficult and it seems as if people are using the termination as a means of controlling you and putting you down.

You shouldn't have to put up with this shit.Ignore their bullshit.

Forgive yourself. That's what a compassionate and loving god would do. A god that would condemn you for this is not a god worth believing in

You shouldn't feel so guilty. You didn't have an abortion with the same frame of mind you'd order a pizza. You didn't wake up one morning and think, hmmmm, I fancy an abortion this morning.

I'm sure you agonised over a difficult decision and you were probably stuck between a rock and a hard place. It makes me angry at "religion" (non specified) to think of an obviously good person like yourself, with a good conscience (and imo, a clear conscience) spending TWO decades berating herself.

Arrange counselling so you can talk to sane people who will help you forgive yourself..

i think your SIl is completely out of order, havin a miscarriage may make her sad, bu it gives her zero right to judge you. You don't have a God problem - you have a family problem, they are pushing guilt at you and being deeply unfair.

i presu you are a Christian - i don't think you'll find anywhere in the bible wheer Jesus failed to forgive a penitent sinner, though you'll find plenty where he gets angry at people for judging others.

wishitwasdifferent, God is loving, kind and gracious. Sins are all the same to Him. You do need His forgiveness, imo, because we all do. I am sorry you are still feeling the pain of your decision, it must be heartbreaking to regret something as important as this.

Your ex dh was wrong to say that you can't be a good mother because you had a termination, but you probably know that deep down.

I agree with other posters who say that you will also need to forgive yourself.

Agree with dizietsma about post-abortion counselling - if you search online you will find lots of phone and online options if you want to talk it over with someone not involved. I have friends who do this sort of counselling and DH has just referred someone in his professional capacity so I don't think it is too rare.

I really feel for you - you are in a horrible situation with your family, let alone with your own feelings. I'm glad your DH is supportive. For what it is worth, I believe that every one of us who sits in a church has done something at some time that we know was the wrong thing - it's sort of a qualification for being there! I also believe that God's forgiveness is completely available for anyone who knows they need it, and I hope you can find the help you need to come to believe that for yourself.

Your family sound horrible! They had no right to throw something like that back in your face during an argument. Counselling should help but I think you need to discuss it with your family in a calm situation how it is affecting you now and how they are making it worse.

Good post EdgarAllenPoe, every word of it. Completely true.

I'm positive that God is forgiving and loving and that most importantly you need to forgive yourself for a decision that you were coerced into making.

Your family sound horrible. I'm glad that your DH is supportive and sorry that you've had to go through so much horror.

You shouldn't feel that you can't attend church. Do you have any friends in the area that attend church that you may be able to go with? Will your DH go to church with you? Could you maybe try out a few churches in your area and find one that's friendly and not judgemental?

Those who judge need to take the mote out their own eyes first. Let those without sin cast the first stone.

From the christian prospective Jesus died that we might be forgiven. It is sad that you feel you can't go to church. I hope that someone on this thread might be able to suggest a sympathetic organisation who could councel you to help you cope with your guilt.

The god child incident was obnoxious, clearly your brother and his wife have not taken the baptism promises seriously. God is not like that.

God will forgive you, it is what he does.

Don't torture yourself over this. Find a counsellor who can help you come to terms with this.

You should not be carrying the burden of guilt for your family over this. They are being deeply unkind, pushing their sorrow onto you.

Jesus forgave all those with character failings. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone".
"Judge not that ye be judged". His biggest criticism was not the people who laboured daily to live a good life but those who were selfish and greedy. You do not sound selfish or greedy.

You need to forgive yourself, you need to mourn your lost child and you need to realise that your actions did not come about through callous disregard, or selfishness. You did not have much choice.

There are many of us who have made mistakes through our lives. God will forgive us.

Despite what happened, you are a good woman.

God is very forgiving. He loves you and knows your pain. Turn to him for forgiveness and healing.

If you believe in him then you don't need to worry about Hell.

He loves you so much. Please try to forgive yourself.

In addition some Christian counselling might also be a good support too.

Also your family are not acting Christ-like at all!!! I believe God gets angry with some of the things that are supposedly done in his name - and their dreadful, unsupportive, accusing behaviour falls into this category.

People around you have been dreadfully cruel, but some of the posts on here have already said what I would say too - God loves you and has already forgiven you. Get some proper help and support to get past this. If you could turn back the clock I'm sure you'd do things differently, but sadly we just can't do that. I hope you find some peace.

Like most others have said, if you ask God will forgive you. Ask him to help with your emotional pain as well. What you've been through has obviously been very difficult for you.

You also need to forgive yourself, you have been carrying this around with you for years and it's eating at you.

I can't believe how badly you have been treated, when you needed grace and understanding you got shouty faces and turned backs. That is not how you should have been treated at all and I'm sorry that others have done this to you.

I think you really need to go and speak to someone about this though and have some post abortion counselling. I know that some churches offer pregnancy crises advice and that some of these centres offer post abortion counselling through this service. They can help you by just helping you talk through it and doing other things like helping you to come to peace with the child you didn't get to meet. I know that this process isn't for everyone, but if you feel able you could speak to someone about what they do. I know that care confidential do help set up some of these centres and that they have a helpline where you can talk to someone here.

I hope and pray that you get some peace on this issue.

God forgave you long time ago, He is very merciful to those who sincerely regret their past wrongdoings.The Bible states it in many many places. God's mercy, forgiveness, salvation He offers is actually what a Christian faith is all about first and foremost.

It is only you who find it hard to forgive yourself and your family are very very harsh and unfair to you and are putting serious obstacles on your way to acceptance and recovery.

Abortion is very wrong in itself but there are degrees of personal guilt and I can say with confidence, based on what you wrote, that you should not take much blame for what happened onto your shoulders. Others seem to have much more to repent about.

You come across as a wonderful very loving mother and a kind,soulful person. Please, believe it yourself, be kind to yourself.

I would advise you to google Rachel's Vineyard, you will find plenty of support .
Also, ' Priests for Life' is a truly wonderful website.

I really really hope that with the right support and personal prayer, you will find great peace and renewed happiness.

You have to make decisions in life and some of them are very tough and no one can judge you for them as they feel right for you at the time. Being a Christian I believe God really really loves you and there is no sin too big for God to forgive, all you have to do is ask him. Do you have any Christian friends that you can talk to and perhaps pray with you. It doesn't have to be mega spiritual. You clearly have some belief in God or perhaps this would not be a question you would ask so it may help.

Speak to your priest/vicar. Believe me, they will have heard it all, and will not be shocked or judgmental. It helps to hear the words out loud, 'God forgives you...'

God will forgive you, you just need to forgive yourself.

We have all done things that we regretted, especially when young and unsure, and influenced by others.
Your family sounds fairly difficult - if it were me, I think I would probably have it out in the open that I had felt pressured by my parents, especially if I were being judged unfairly by other family members - but that is just me, and not necessarily the right thing to do!
I guess your SIL has just had a baby, and maybe is still thinking with her hormones, so the issue is particularly sensitive to her at the moment?
Could you talk to her about it in a few years time?

How will you go ahead with making peace with yourself? I know of one person who felt similar feelings to yours (slightly different situation), who trained as a midwife, and eventually saved the life of a baby who had been given up as still born! That's an extreme case, but could you do something to help children?