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Original poster

Are you afraid of death?

79 replies

Pinkfluffyslippers · 30/09/2009 21:53

Sometimes I think I'm not afraid of death and I wonder if that's normal.

I believe in an afterlife so surely I shouldn't be frightened of it.... BUT I wonder if this is normal. TBH there are days when he thought of an eternal sleep is really rather nice!

BTW none of my close relatives has died so I haven't had any close hand experience of this which may explain my casual attitude.

Would be interested in what what others feel....( do hope I'm not upsetting anyone by asking this. )

Thanks
PFS

PS: Am watching Dan Cruickshanks prog on death....which may explain this.

OP posts:
hmc · 01/10/2009 00:27

Zazen - did you have a serious illness. You don't have to answer because I am simply being nosey

hmc · 01/10/2009 00:29

Sorry, ignore that question, bit intrusive

vickiadele · 01/10/2009 00:33

Im more worried about people dying that i love, i would prefer to die first TBH

zazen · 01/10/2009 00:45

No HMC, no serious illness, and I don't mind you being nosey
Hypothermia, when doing some field work up some mountains way up north when a storm blew in, I dug in and was kindof drifting off, very pleasant it was too, until I copped what was happening, and got going.
And more recently double pneumonia, with raging temps and hallucinations - very interesting.
And near misses on my bike (flying through the air in slow mo having been hit by a car) wondering how I was going to land, and whether I was going to break my neck, or be squashed by oncoming traffic - that kindof thing.

All a blessing I would say. Focuses the mind.

hmc · 01/10/2009 09:34

Zazen - you need to be more careful! [gently admonishes in maternal way]

AnotherMuesliPleaseBarman · 01/10/2009 11:38

Absolutely terrified ever since I was a child, to the point where it's almost constantly in the back of my mind. I certainly think about it every day and wonder whether this is normal. Like Portofino and EightiesChick, it's the 'eternal nothingness' that makes me panicky. Discovering the author Julian Barnes and realising that he, too, has a similarly huge and all-consuming fear kind of helped. In a way. His novel 'Metroland' contains a passage which describes my own feelings about it really well, including something along the lines of 'I'm not afraid of dying, as long as I didn't end up dead at the end of it...'

ABetaDad · 01/10/2009 13:51

Despite what I said earlier about not being worried for myself, I suppose I am a bit afraid of dying before I get all the things done I want to do.

I don't mean climb Mt Kilimanjaro or see the whales of Patagonia but more like seeing DSs grow up and having kids, founding a successful business/charity, getting a painting in the Royal Exhibition or writing one good book. Not doing something really noteworthy so I could say that was worth a my life. I do not think there is an ever after so I just feel like I have to get it all done before I go.

Its tough being an aetheist, non specific God figure believing, cloistered CofE, guilt ridden Methodist with a Jewish mother.

Jux · 01/10/2009 14:02

I am not scared of death, but I am worried about having a long slow painful one. I am not sure what I believe as I was brought up a catholic, was educated by nuns, and it's hard to just not believe in heaven. Intellectually, I think that if there is no afterlife then death is very easy and you'll be dead and won't know anything about it.

When I was in primary school we were threatened with hell and all that that implies and I was very afraid of it. Now, I think that there are very few (if any) people who would deserve hell assuming it existed, that purgatory is here on earth in this life anyway, and death would take one straight to heaven. On the other hand, I suspect that death just means death and I won't be able to worry about it once it's happened.

I do think that every person has an effect on this world and that therefore every person's life is worthwhile, whether they do exciting things, good things, bad things etc or nothing out of the ordinary. There is an effect, and that effect is necessary. So I don't feel the need to do anything specific, but to be the best person I can be doing what I'm doing, which these days isn't very much!

Original poster
Pinkfluffyslippers · 01/10/2009 22:04

Thanks for these very thought provoking answers.

Yes of course I'm terrified of leaving DD behind or DH or if (God forbid) they went before me... I can't imagine how awful that would be.

I do think though that I'd be more scared of death if I didn't have my faith in an afterlife - having that infant school belief of sitting on a cloud strumming a harp is really rather consoling. !

I know that in the RC church it is quite normal to pray for a good death - which seems a bit morbid at first but when i thought about it, I thought it seemed a rather nice idea. Would be v interested to read the prayer if anyone knows it. ...?? (I've googled for it but have come with a range of answers)

God Bless xx

OP posts:
whoingodsnameami · 01/10/2009 22:15

I am a little scared of dying, however, the thought of living forever terrifies me. So, the way I see it, I would'nt want to be immortal so I have to die. I am also quite curious to see if we are aware of anything when we die, as in the afterlife, but if I could choose, then I would opt for nothingness when we die, no afterlife, no awareness.

pointydoug · 01/10/2009 22:18

I think it's very hard to say for sure until you are actually facing it. And there may be worse feelings involved than fear.

zazen · 01/10/2009 22:54

But is fear of death not just attachment to your personality?
Do those of you who fear death, and not existing, fear dementia also?

How would you feel if you were in a coma, locked in, unable to move? Do you think you would still exist?

Do you fear that?
Or do you look on illness and pain as a way of helping others? We can push out the boundaries of our compassion, and those around us, by behaving compassionately, to ourselves, and each other, when we are old and ill, and lead by example, so to speak. There is an opportunity there.

If you knew your personality was just a construct, and not really essential, would you still fear death?

Jux · 02/10/2009 19:29

pinkfluffyslippers, I will ask mum's priest that when I talk to him about her funeral (she died a few weeks ago).

She had, I think, a good death. She had a few weeks notice, time to put her affairs in order and tell us what she wanted, and who should get what etc. She was actually looking forward to it, to seeing my dad again and all sorts of things which I don't really subscribe to. Not only that, but she was up and about as usual for most of the day, and only deteriorated a little that evening, enough to get me calling the doc who told me she wouldn't last the night. She was dead, peacefully, with dd holding her hand, within 4 hours.

zazen, I agree with you I think about the attachment to personality. After death, it isn't going to be like this, is it?

My nightmare would be your coma scenario. I would hate dementia too, but dementia creeps up slowly and there is plenty of awareness that something is not right.

I don't look on illness and pain as a way of helping others. I might have in my past before I started suffering illness and pain on a constant and chronic level, and have learnt the hard way how little it helps anyone. If things were different, maybe dd would learn greater compassion through it, by examples set to her, but that isn't what has happened.

I assume my personality is a construct of my genes and my experiences. Without my genes a lot of it will go. How do I carry my experience over without a brain to carry the memories of them?

Anyway, I'm feeling jaded tonight, so ignore me.

bodeniites · 02/10/2009 19:36

i am very very scared to die i cant imagine just not being i love being alive even with all its problems and the thing is i cant escapeit i am going to die and as for the childen etc dont go there

TsarChasm · 02/10/2009 19:43

Have recorded the Dan Cruickshank programme -I'm so intrigued by this subject.

I'm scared of it happening before I'm ready(ie old and tired of life). I'm scared of dying alone and in pain. I scared of leaving my children unprotected. But I accept that it must a happen one day and I'm ok with that provided all those other things don't apply.

TsarChasm · 02/10/2009 19:47

Yes def agree with the other point on this thread about those I love dying. That troubles me much more. The older I get the more potantial danger I see.

zazen · 02/10/2009 23:09

Jux, my heart goes out to you in your sorrow. I'm glad your Mum had a good death - it is good to get everything in order. My Dad was the same when he died - he was looking forward to seeing his family members again, and it was very peaceful for him, and for us.

I'll be thinking of you at your Mum's funeral.

Original poster
Pinkfluffyslippers · 03/10/2009 21:22

Jux - my condolences to you. Thank you for taking the time to post on this at what must be a difficult time for you. Yes, I would appreciate the "good death" prayer.

Zazen I like your approach this is one of the reasons I find the Buddhism philosophy so helpful / interesting / relevant to where I am now.

On the subject of death I do always like it when people say the deceased was "called home" it seems a wonderfully comforting phrase.

The Dan Cruickshank programme has a website linking into an OU course (!) on dying... if anyone is interested this is the link:
www.open2.net/deathanddying

I've had a quick look at the website but I don't really want to read / watch the videos in case it shatters my illusions.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 03/10/2009 21:31

I wasn't until I had my son. I am not afraid of my own death. I am terrified of leaving him behind before he's all grown.

beaniesinthebucketagain · 10/10/2009 00:04

i choose to ignore the fact, the mere thought in my head has me in a state, no sleep and deeply distrested, I live for today tomorow and the next year, it scares me so i ignore it and love every minute of what i have now!

katiek123 · 11/10/2009 20:25

'Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come'

Rabindranath Tagore

Original poster
Pinkfluffyslippers · 12/10/2009 07:10

Thank you for the beautiful quote Katie.

PFS X

OP posts:
pamelat · 15/10/2009 20:09

I am very scared about leaving my DD. I am terrified of her dying before me.

In fact, this thread has made me sob as its something I try not to think about, as basically one day one of the above will happen, hopefully it will be leaving a grown up DD with a supportive family of her own.

Am scared of being eaten by worms but also scared of being "burnt", am opting for burnt.

My grandma died 4 months ago and I am/was very close to her. I cry about her most weeks (am pregnant too which does not help . I went to see her in the chapel of rest and for the first time, I believed that you leave your body, this has halped me with the silly worm/burning scenario.

My grandma died peacefully, in hospital but wi family holding her hand. I saw her the night before but was 5 minutes late to get to her that morning . The night before she had started to shut down and I could see a tear in her eye . I know that only months ago grandma was terrified of dying, terrified of leaving us and terrified of being alone, that hurts a lot.

I tell myself she is now at peace. Had lots of dreams about her watching over us, but being unable to speak but just being there. I would give almost anything to know what has happened to her.

In a fear way, its lessened it for me, as whatever will happen to me, has already happened to her. Maybe I will see her again, at least I will know.

said · 15/10/2009 20:18

I'm not afraid, as such, but I'm pissed off that I'll die and not see what my kids will do when they're older. I'm pissed off that life will go on without me and I'll miss stuff. I think I'd hate to know I was going to die though; don't think I could function in that state of permanent extreme anxiety.

onlyjoking9329 · 15/10/2009 20:24

i dunno that i am scared of death as such, having watch my DH die slowly from cancer thats the sort of thing i fear, i fear leaving my kids when we have no other family to look after them.