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Philosophy/religion

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Catholic funeral - what to expect

73 replies

squashyhat · 12/12/2024 14:29

I am (loosely) C of E and am attending a Catholic funeral next week. There is a requiem mass and a cremation on separate days. Can anyone tell me what to expect? I have heard that it's likely to be quite long. I am confirmed so can I take communion? And what is the dress code? Is the cremation for family only or does it vary? Obviously I could ask them all of this but want to avoid adding any stress.

OP posts:
Seainasive · 12/12/2024 14:33

I went to a RC funeral last week and only RC people took communion. You should expect a proper mass, so at least an hour.

ExhibitionOfYourself · 12/12/2024 14:36

It's just mostly a mass, with certain readings (Lamentations, Job, Wisdom, among others), sometimes family and friends bringing gifts associated with the dead person, sometimes someone speaking about the dead person after Communion. The priest may also speak about them in the homily. No, you can't take communion. Catholics don't have specific dress codes. You will need to ask the family about the cremation.

ExhibitionOfYourself · 12/12/2024 14:36

And yes, an hour sounds about right.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 12/12/2024 14:36

You can't take communion.

The requiem mass will be relatively quick if its during the week with no choir. Longer if they do it in a full sunday mass. Depends if the family are doing eulogies at the crem or in the mass too.

VaddaABeetch · 12/12/2024 14:38

It should be approx an hour. Usually family do readings, prayers of the faithful, symbols of the persons life. Eulogy is after the mass. I’ve never been at one that lasted longer than 15 minutes.

Hoppinggreen · 12/12/2024 14:40

I can't help with the funeral itself but I went to one where the deceased and her family weren't catholic but her DIL was. The DIL was very confused when it only lasted 30 minutes and then everyone had one drink at the pub afterwards and left.
She was expecting a very long service followed by a bit of a piss up

Toddlerteaplease · 12/12/2024 14:40

An RC Mass is pretty similar to the C of E. Although the response is 'and with your spirit'
Instead of Also with you. You can't take communion although some priests will allow it at funerals if you are C ofE.

Fink · 12/12/2024 15:29

It is appropriate to wear what you would to a CofE funeral (i.e. smart, black) unless the family has specified a dress code. It's appropriate to bring/send a card. You can also bring flowers, but some families ask for no flowers.

The majority of funerals have a high proportion of non-practising people in the congregation, so the priest will be ready to lead everyone through the responses, when to sit & stand, and probably explain all the symbolism.

It will probably start with the entry of the coffin, with some music. The coffin may be carried by family members or the funeral directors. If the family are very devout, the coffin may already be in the church before the funeral from having had a previous service for the reception of the body the day before. If there is a procession in, you can either arrive before that and stay in your place in the church, standing once the beginning of the service is announced (either the funeral director will ask everyone to stand, or a bell will be rung), or if you want you can join in the procession after the coffin. The closest family members go first, and others slot in more or less according to how well they knew the deceased, but there's no strict hierarchy.

They'll have an introductory bit with placing Christian symbols on the coffin (a cross and a Bible) and blessing it with holy water.

Then there'll be some bible readings. Possibly a sung psalm. The priest will preach a sermon. There will be prayers read by the family (often children).

There'll be the rest of the Mass (called the Liturgy of the Eucharist), which is mainly prayed by the priest and you don't need to do much. There will be prayers you recognise and can join in with, such as the Our Father. Remember to stop at 'deliver us from evil' and don't continue with 'for thine is the kingdom ...'

Communion is next. Usually with a hymn. As pp have said, you shouldn't receive. No one will stop you if you do, but it's not properly allowed. You may receive a blessing, if you wish, or stay in your pew and do nothing. If you want a blessing, you show it by crossing your arms over your body with each hand touching the opposite shoulder. You can do that just before reaching the front of the line/rail.

After communion, there will be a eulogy given by the family. Sometimes one person, sometimes two or three.

At the end, there will be a final blessing of the deceased with incense, and then a procession out with music. You process out with everyone else, letting the immediate family go first. And everyone stands around as the coffin is placed in the hearse.

Since the cremation isn't immediate, people then generally proceed directly to the reception. If you aren't going to the reception, you give your condolences to the family before leaving.

It's highly likely that there will be an order of service booklet with the hymns and readings in. It might also have the Mass responses in, but not often. It will nearly always have personal memories & photos from the family and details of the reception and cremation - which will tell you whether the cremation is close family only or all are invited. You're generally expected to take this away with you (and do what you want with it once you're out of sight), but if you don't want to then it would be fine to leave it at the back of the church.

There won't be a monetary collection during the Mass. Occasionally there will be a person collecting on the way out, for a named charity. More often, there will be a notice in the order of service saying something like 'Family flowers only, please. If you would like to make a donation in X's memory, we are raising money for Y.' (Y is most often a hospice/cancer charity or similar that cared for the person who has died, sometimes a particular cause that the deceased supported). And there will be details of how to make a donation online/by post.

Some families will add personal touches, but that's the outline of a standard Catholic requiem Mass.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/12/2024 15:30

Long boring service, with the coffin in the church - it may or may not be open.
Consider a dress and tights and smart shoes - depends on your usual style, but go on the smart side.
Coat, and vest underneath your top as it may be cold in the church.

MaybeALittle · 12/12/2024 15:33

EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/12/2024 15:30

Long boring service, with the coffin in the church - it may or may not be open.
Consider a dress and tights and smart shoes - depends on your usual style, but go on the smart side.
Coat, and vest underneath your top as it may be cold in the church.

A coffin will absolutely not be open in the church.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 12/12/2024 15:37

EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/12/2024 15:30

Long boring service, with the coffin in the church - it may or may not be open.
Consider a dress and tights and smart shoes - depends on your usual style, but go on the smart side.
Coat, and vest underneath your top as it may be cold in the church.

I have never been to a catholic funeral with an open coffin in my entire life!

TheRainItRaineth · 12/12/2024 15:38

I don't think the coffin will be open! Never seen this, been to dozens of Catholic funerals.

Fink · 12/12/2024 15:39

MaybeALittle · 12/12/2024 15:33

A coffin will absolutely not be open in the church.

It may be, but not during Mass. If there is a viewing of the body in church it is done before the Mass starts and then the coffin is closed before the Mass. There are some Catholic countries where an open coffin is more normal and we occasionally have it in our church, but hardly ever. I would say only about 10% of post-covid (Catholic) funerals have a viewing of the body in the church before Mass, and a vanishingly small proportion have an open coffin during Mass.

mitogoshigg · 12/12/2024 15:44

It's a full mass around 75 mins typically. Unless instructed otherwise wear formal black clothes. As far as the crem, varies by family but usually if there's a church service the crem is close family only

mitogoshigg · 12/12/2024 15:47

@MaybeALittle

I've encountered open coffins. Unusual but couldn't categorically say it won't be

wildfellhall · 12/12/2024 19:32

This thread is totally awesome. Love the expertise as a lapsed Catholic, haven't been to a Catholic funeral for years so I can't remember what happens.

Candlesandmatches · 12/12/2024 19:39

Just to add the reason non-Catholics (and actually some Catholics depending on their situation) can’t take communion is because Catholic teaching is that the consecrated host is actually the body of Jesus. One part of eligibility to receive is 1st confession and 1st communion (and some other things for adults)
The C of E don’t teach that. For them communion is a representation of Jesus and a commemoration. It isn’t actually his real presence.
In a nut shell.

WalterdelaMare · 12/12/2024 19:40

Don’t take communion. You can go up and have a blessing instead at the same time the Catholics receive communion.

There will be much incense wafting and holy water dousing of the coffin.

The crem bit is not very Catholic. There will not be an open coffin.

wildfellhall · 12/12/2024 19:43

And going up for a blessing is fine for any comers. You just go up & when it's your turn you bow your head and if you want to make it really clear you cross your hands over your chest as you bow your head.

Thats what I do as I'm a Lapsed.

Mummyratbag · 12/12/2024 19:43

If no one else has said it the Catholic Lord's Prayer doesn't inc "forever and ever" I have been caught out still talking after everyone stopped!

SavingTheBestTillLast · 12/12/2024 19:51

I think most people have said a lot
Catholic here
If they are regular church goers expect lots of people from the church to attend

The casket is carried in
There will be readings by family members if they want and if not the priest may read something on their behalf
Family members usually also do readings from the Bible as part of the mass
There will be a full mass service with Holy Communion.
You can’t take the host as you’re not Catholic but you can walk up to th3 Alter for a blessing. If you want this cross your arms in front of you and the priest will understand. Lower your head, He will put his hand on your head and say a few words of blessing. When he removes his hand you can walk away.

Expect the whole service to last 60 to 90 minutes.

WalterdelaMare · 12/12/2024 19:54

If it’s trad catholic, the coffin might already be there as there will have been a ‘removal’ to the church the evening before, with a short service.

SavingTheBestTillLast · 12/12/2024 19:57

Good point re The Lords Prayer
Also OP
Dont say
‘for thine is the Kingdom the Power and The Glory”. We don’t say that, the priest does.
Something to do with the power and the glory of The King I think in the Church of England which of course we don’t do .

so after ‘but deliver us from Evil……you stop.

SavingTheBestTillLast · 12/12/2024 19:59

WalterdelaMare · 12/12/2024 19:54

If it’s trad catholic, the coffin might already be there as there will have been a ‘removal’ to the church the evening before, with a short service.

Although often the coffin is removed to the church the evening before

Stays there overnight with family
But then walked back into the church again
Our family and church do that.
I really don’t know why

MaybeALittle · 12/12/2024 20:06

WalterdelaMare · 12/12/2024 19:54

If it’s trad catholic, the coffin might already be there as there will have been a ‘removal’ to the church the evening before, with a short service.

Separate removals seem to have been phased out around here since Covid.