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Philosophy/religion

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Catholic funeral - what to expect

73 replies

squashyhat · 12/12/2024 14:29

I am (loosely) C of E and am attending a Catholic funeral next week. There is a requiem mass and a cremation on separate days. Can anyone tell me what to expect? I have heard that it's likely to be quite long. I am confirmed so can I take communion? And what is the dress code? Is the cremation for family only or does it vary? Obviously I could ask them all of this but want to avoid adding any stress.

OP posts:
DogInATent · 13/12/2024 07:49

@MaybeALittle I suspect it's mostly that no one checks - there are a lot of strangers at funerals, and they're trying to be welcoming to everyone so make a point of not checking passports or whatever it is that confirms your flavour of belief. Even if I wasn't an atheist I'd still have to remain seated, because strict canon law has an extremely unscientific view of the effects of transubstantiation on gluten - and I know that bit of canon law is routinely bent in many places.

MaybeALittle · 13/12/2024 07:53

DogInATent · 13/12/2024 07:49

@MaybeALittle I suspect it's mostly that no one checks - there are a lot of strangers at funerals, and they're trying to be welcoming to everyone so make a point of not checking passports or whatever it is that confirms your flavour of belief. Even if I wasn't an atheist I'd still have to remain seated, because strict canon law has an extremely unscientific view of the effects of transubstantiation on gluten - and I know that bit of canon law is routinely bent in many places.

Oh, I don’t think canon law has much truck with reality. Though the transformative effects of transubstantiation on gluten is funny (in the abstract — not if you’re gluten-intolerant, obviously!)

(I am also an atheist, but a culturally-Catholic one.)

DogInATent · 13/12/2024 07:58

MaybeALittle · 13/12/2024 07:53

Oh, I don’t think canon law has much truck with reality. Though the transformative effects of transubstantiation on gluten is funny (in the abstract — not if you’re gluten-intolerant, obviously!)

(I am also an atheist, but a culturally-Catholic one.)

I'm coeliac but can afford to be amused due to my absence of faith. It's a very odd argument the church has backed itself into a corner on, because the only argument in favour of their position on gluten in the host is that it is truly time-travelling cannibalism.

Tinytigertail · 13/12/2024 07:59

My Catholic FiL had a Requiem Mass and then a smaller crematorium service, it was a couple of hours for the whole thing. You can't take communion, but you can have a blessing, you indicate this by joining the communion line and crossing your arms (hands on shoulders)

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/12/2024 08:07

My partner went to one just recently- said it went on for ages (and they barely mentioned the individual themselves). Everyone was smart, black clothes.

sashh · 13/12/2024 08:08

Fink · 12/12/2024 15:29

It is appropriate to wear what you would to a CofE funeral (i.e. smart, black) unless the family has specified a dress code. It's appropriate to bring/send a card. You can also bring flowers, but some families ask for no flowers.

The majority of funerals have a high proportion of non-practising people in the congregation, so the priest will be ready to lead everyone through the responses, when to sit & stand, and probably explain all the symbolism.

It will probably start with the entry of the coffin, with some music. The coffin may be carried by family members or the funeral directors. If the family are very devout, the coffin may already be in the church before the funeral from having had a previous service for the reception of the body the day before. If there is a procession in, you can either arrive before that and stay in your place in the church, standing once the beginning of the service is announced (either the funeral director will ask everyone to stand, or a bell will be rung), or if you want you can join in the procession after the coffin. The closest family members go first, and others slot in more or less according to how well they knew the deceased, but there's no strict hierarchy.

They'll have an introductory bit with placing Christian symbols on the coffin (a cross and a Bible) and blessing it with holy water.

Then there'll be some bible readings. Possibly a sung psalm. The priest will preach a sermon. There will be prayers read by the family (often children).

There'll be the rest of the Mass (called the Liturgy of the Eucharist), which is mainly prayed by the priest and you don't need to do much. There will be prayers you recognise and can join in with, such as the Our Father. Remember to stop at 'deliver us from evil' and don't continue with 'for thine is the kingdom ...'

Communion is next. Usually with a hymn. As pp have said, you shouldn't receive. No one will stop you if you do, but it's not properly allowed. You may receive a blessing, if you wish, or stay in your pew and do nothing. If you want a blessing, you show it by crossing your arms over your body with each hand touching the opposite shoulder. You can do that just before reaching the front of the line/rail.

After communion, there will be a eulogy given by the family. Sometimes one person, sometimes two or three.

At the end, there will be a final blessing of the deceased with incense, and then a procession out with music. You process out with everyone else, letting the immediate family go first. And everyone stands around as the coffin is placed in the hearse.

Since the cremation isn't immediate, people then generally proceed directly to the reception. If you aren't going to the reception, you give your condolences to the family before leaving.

It's highly likely that there will be an order of service booklet with the hymns and readings in. It might also have the Mass responses in, but not often. It will nearly always have personal memories & photos from the family and details of the reception and cremation - which will tell you whether the cremation is close family only or all are invited. You're generally expected to take this away with you (and do what you want with it once you're out of sight), but if you don't want to then it would be fine to leave it at the back of the church.

There won't be a monetary collection during the Mass. Occasionally there will be a person collecting on the way out, for a named charity. More often, there will be a notice in the order of service saying something like 'Family flowers only, please. If you would like to make a donation in X's memory, we are raising money for Y.' (Y is most often a hospice/cancer charity or similar that cared for the person who has died, sometimes a particular cause that the deceased supported). And there will be details of how to make a donation online/by post.

Some families will add personal touches, but that's the outline of a standard Catholic requiem Mass.

All of this. ^

I will add that at some of my family events people have taken communion who shouldn't have (family 50% RC 50% something else) and we just laugh about it.

The reasoning is that in the RC church the host is believed to actually turn in to the body of Christ, C of E say it represents it (I think) so if you don't believe you are putting Jesus on your tongue you are not taking communion even if you do swallow the bread. If that makes sense.

There will probably be bits that include standing, sitting and kneeling, if you don't want to take part just sit.

Often with funerals the priest will explain what is happening and why eg the coffin and deceased my be anointed on their way in to the church. As Fink said funerals and weddings often have people of other faiths and none.

Before covid there used to be a 'sign of peace' where you shake hands with people around you and say, "peace be with you", I know they stopped the hand shaking during covid and I don't know if it is back

Chillilounger · 13/12/2024 08:17

As a catholic I can take communion In Other churches but it doesn't work the other way around because transubstantiation....

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 13/12/2024 08:37

DogInATent · 13/12/2024 07:49

@MaybeALittle I suspect it's mostly that no one checks - there are a lot of strangers at funerals, and they're trying to be welcoming to everyone so make a point of not checking passports or whatever it is that confirms your flavour of belief. Even if I wasn't an atheist I'd still have to remain seated, because strict canon law has an extremely unscientific view of the effects of transubstantiation on gluten - and I know that bit of canon law is routinely bent in many places.

Ha! I was at a Catholic funeral back in Dublin recently and the priest directed people who required it to get gluten free communion from one particular person. I hadn't considered how that works with transubstantiation but it's definitely something of a conundrum!

belleager · 13/12/2024 08:53

The gluten isn't at all a problem for traditional Catholic theology of the Eucharist. The "accidents" - appearance, taste, texture, perceptible composition - remain the same by that teaching, and microscopic elements don't undermine that.

There isn't an absolute prohibition on non-Catholics taking the eucharist - it's a matter of diocesan instruction delegated to the celebrant - but I don't really see why non-Catholics would want to receive unless invited to. Priest will probably give the advice given here about the blessing but there won't be any drama around it.

If you've been to Anglican services there won't be anything terribly strange. If you strip out most of the luxury and pomp from a royal funeral it's not much different. It's a mass with a bit more family participation than usual, with a possible eulogy at the end.

Bbq1 · 13/12/2024 10:10

MaybeALittle · 13/12/2024 07:34

Yes, but this has nothing to do with Catholicism. Catholicism doesn’t have a specific funeral dress code. Dressing as if you’re going to a nightclub would be equally inappropriate at a C of E/Methodist/Unitarian funeral.

@DogInATent, I believe you, obviously, but canon law stipulates non-Catholics aren’t allowed to take communion at a Catholic mass, so it shouldn’t be down to differences in local practice.

Yes, I do know that. I'm a lifelong Catholic. Of course it goes without saying that the mourners should be modestly dressed for any funeral - unless otherwise stipulated. I was commenting on appropriate funeral wear in general and it just so happens that my Uncle's Requiem Mass was the most recent funeral I attended where I saw inappropriate clothing.

Highlyrecommended999 · 13/12/2024 12:40

but I don't really see why non-Catholics would want to receive unless invited to

Aside from the intricacies of Canon Law, as a fellow Catholic, can we really not think of reasons why someone in the Church of England might want to take Communion at a Catholic funeral?

Would they be very different reasons, say, to why a Catholic wants to take Communion?

Because we are all Christians and taking Communion celebrates that kinship which bonds us together in a life of faith?

And that bond strengthens us to live a Christian life and prepares us for life after death, which is all the more relevant at a funeral?

And that Christ spent his entire ministry welcoming outsiders, embracing those that are different in some way, sharing bread and wine to all who were assembled at a wedding, whatever their belief or none, and railing against the Scribes and the Pharisees who understood the letter of the law but not the heart and soul of it?

Not to mention that it might be a source of strength and healing when grieving?

RedRosesPinkLilies · 13/12/2024 15:00

I guess it comes down to the Doctrine of Transubstantiation. Catholics believe the Eucharist bread and wine become the Body and Blood of Christ - see Eucharistic Miracles and the words Jesus used at the Last Supper.
Protestants believe the bread and wine represent Jesus.

Its a difference in belief, not trying to exclude people for no reason.

I do wonder if some people on this thread would be as rude if this was a discussion about Muslim funerals.

VaddaABeetch · 13/12/2024 18:10

In England people seem to dress much more formally than Ireland. Here it’s ‘respectable’ clothes. No need for dresses & heels.

eyestosee · 13/12/2024 20:10

Personally, I think the effect of remembrance involves a transubstantiation in that the act of Communion involves being interiorly transformed and becoming more Christ like, His flesh and blood manifesting in and through us. 🙂

I was christened C of E but describe myself as simply Christian.

Funnily enough the priest at my Roman Catholic grandads funeral said we could take Communion regardless of whether we were confirmed Catholics or not. Or we could receive a blessing.

There was a lot of fumbling when it came to my turn. Even though people before me signalled for a blessing and so had I. The priest had obviously expected me to take Communion and stumbled! I only didn't because I thought I might fumble crossing myself or something. But that stumbling/fumbling was very memorable to me. We exactly mirrored each other's hesitation in that moment!

MaybeALittle · 13/12/2024 20:48

VaddaABeetch · 13/12/2024 18:10

In England people seem to dress much more formally than Ireland. Here it’s ‘respectable’ clothes. No need for dresses & heels.

Yes, but we go to a lot of funerals, usually nipping out from work, or into a funeral home on our way home from something else — you can’t do that if you need to wear Terribly Formal Clothes.

Fink · 13/12/2024 21:14

MaybeALittle · 13/12/2024 20:48

Yes, but we go to a lot of funerals, usually nipping out from work, or into a funeral home on our way home from something else — you can’t do that if you need to wear Terribly Formal Clothes.

I'm (techincally only part) Irish but live in the UK and work in a church. I've got 3 levels of funeral dress code:

  1. I was close to the deceased, and wil be attending the reception: black dress, shoes, and coat.
  2. I have chosen to attend this funeral but we weren't close and I probably won't attend the reception: generally sombre, smartish clothes.
  3. I didn't realise there was a funeral on today because I didn't check the parish diary properly: whatever I happen to be wearing.
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/12/2024 23:09

Im catholic and recent funerals have been about an hour long. All very personal, with eulogies, music and photographs projected onto the church walls.

And the best parties afterwards. Lots of singing, dancing, tears and laughter. A real celebration of life.

C of E funerals I've been to have been very depressing and dull! Cups of tea and hushed tones. Not how I want my funeral to be.

Clothes should be black and respectful. Sorry OP the pink cardigan isn't right at all. No one will be wearing anything other than black.

honeyfox · 13/12/2024 23:15

The pink cardigan even under a coat might be a little too much.

tellmesomethingtrue · 14/12/2024 01:14

Be prepared to be 'told off' for not attending church.

DoubleShotEspresso · 14/12/2024 01:37

OP @Fink Has perfectly described proceedings, there will likely be an Order of Service which will guide you.
I hope you are welcomed and feel comfortable enough to go up for a blessing.
There is no official Catholic dress code for funerals. However, I would think it's a safe bet if the family have opted for a requiem mass, most will be in black or at least muted colours. Personally, your outfit description sounds absolutely fine, but the pink cardigan would be a bit too bright, maybe navy or a softer colour?

RedRosesPinkLilies · 14/12/2024 08:13

@tellmesomethingtrue who tells you off for not attending church?

liverpoolnana · 14/12/2024 21:14

RedRosesPinkLilies · 14/12/2024 08:13

@tellmesomethingtrue who tells you off for not attending church?

I was wondering that. I must have attended over a hundred Catholic funerals as I help in the background, and have never heard anyone being told off. Quite the contrary, in fact, as everyone is warmly welcomed whatever their background.

AnneElliott · 14/12/2024 21:39

Agree with most previous posters (not catholic but married to one) and yes you're not meant to take communion.

Although I assume no one checks, although my SIL always comments later if anyone says 'thank you' rather than Amen after they take communion (she hands out the bread - can't remember what her role is actually called). This marks them out as non catholics according to SIL.

The only time I've seen someone asked was my DS in a CofE church. He went up to take it and the priest asked if he'd been confirmed (as he was about 8/9) but relented when he said he'd received first holy communion (I'm assuming cofE) are older maybe when they receive confirmation?

I wouldn't wear pink, but I think you wear black to every funeral unless the family has specified otherwise.

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