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Sexual ethics within Christian marriage - are there boundaries in the bedroom?

68 replies

bakedpotatoforlunch · 01/12/2023 13:11

We've been married for many years. We are both committed Christians. We are totally exclusive, faithful, committed to one another and love each other very much. We also have occasional anal sex. It's gentle, careful and mutually enjoyable. It has occurred to me sometimes to ask myself is this okay?

Having read various online views on this from a Christian perspective it seems there is no settled opinion. There is no mention in the Bible and the nearest I can get is the Song of Songs where there is a sense of general encouragement of physical passion and sensuality. My own thought is that God is not prescriptive in these matters but leaves us to work out from his overarching commandment to love and care for one another and this must include the context of sex. Where does that leave anal sex where there is potentially the possibility of tissue damage or infection if not careful (which we are, very, and have never had issues)? I would be interested in the views of others.

OP posts:
UnbeatenMum · 13/07/2024 13:57

I think there definitely are boundaries. Anything involving a 3rd person for example (including porn), anything degrading, coercive or dangerous. I'm not really sure what my view is on anal as it's not something I've ever been interested in trying, I'm not sure what the motivation is or the risks, but I think it's good to consider these things carefully.

VincitVeritas1 · 13/07/2024 14:38

The Bible has a lot to say on sexual immorality, how Christians should be living their lives and despite what some may claim, God does care very much what we do with our bodies. Here are just some of the many verses on this subject:

'Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.'
(Hebrews 13:4)

'But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person - such a person is an idolater - has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.' (Ephesians 5:3-7)

“I have the right to do anything,” you say - but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” - but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:12-20)

'Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.'
(1 Corinthians 7:1-7)

'For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life - is not from the Father but is from the world.' (1 John 2:16)

'It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.'
(1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)

It’s clear from reading the Song of Songs that God intends sex between a husband and wife to be loving, mutually enjoyable, pleasurable and not exclusively for reproduction.
There are a few things that married couples should not partake in. These include the involvement of a third party, such as threesomes, adultery and the use of pornography.
I would also be uncomfortable with having sex during a period, but that is not so black and white. I think your concerns about anal sex are justified. Use your God given discernment and also pray about this. If it’s pricking your conscience there’s probably a good reason for this.

VittuunterroristitFuckterrorists · 13/07/2024 15:06

VincitVeritas1 · 13/07/2024 14:38

The Bible has a lot to say on sexual immorality, how Christians should be living their lives and despite what some may claim, God does care very much what we do with our bodies. Here are just some of the many verses on this subject:

'Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.'
(Hebrews 13:4)

'But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person - such a person is an idolater - has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.' (Ephesians 5:3-7)

“I have the right to do anything,” you say - but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” - but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:12-20)

'Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.'
(1 Corinthians 7:1-7)

'For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life - is not from the Father but is from the world.' (1 John 2:16)

'It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.'
(1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)

It’s clear from reading the Song of Songs that God intends sex between a husband and wife to be loving, mutually enjoyable, pleasurable and not exclusively for reproduction.
There are a few things that married couples should not partake in. These include the involvement of a third party, such as threesomes, adultery and the use of pornography.
I would also be uncomfortable with having sex during a period, but that is not so black and white. I think your concerns about anal sex are justified. Use your God given discernment and also pray about this. If it’s pricking your conscience there’s probably a good reason for this.

Homophobia is alive and well in 2024.

Firapple · 13/07/2024 17:40

If it’s pricking your conscience there’s probably a good reason for this

Or you've been so thoroughly brainwashed by the bodyshaming tendency of certain strands of Christianity which sees celibacy as the highest good, and human sexuality as only acceptable if corralled within certain strict limits (married, heterosexual, only certain orifices allowed etc), that you have an internalised guilt?

The aunt of a student friend of mine who grew up in 1950s/60s Ireland in a devout Catholic family married around 1970 and says that it took her and her husband months and months after the honeymoon to have penetrative sex, despite the fact that what they were doing was mandated as licit by the Church, just because they'd internalised 'Thou shalt not...' in relation to anything sexual.

LeftFooter · 13/07/2024 18:08

You’re completely wrong about this @Firapple. It’s religious people who have the most satisfying sex lives
www.patheos.com/blogs/davearmstrong/2020/02/sociology-devout-married-christians-have-best-sex.html

Suzieandthemonkeyfeet · 13/07/2024 18:10

Unabletomitigate · 01/12/2023 13:20

This is definitely a conversation you need to have with your pastor. Or in your bible discussion group. Or in the tea tent at the next church picnic.

😂😂😂😂😂

TingeOGinge · 13/07/2024 18:14

Surely it's about self control and abstinence before marriage?

So having anal sex is breaking that? Just because it's the anus and not the vagina doesn't mean you're not giving in to temptation and the sin of sexual contact outside of wedlock?

I also thought anal sex was frowned upon? So I'd day you're probably being more perverse in the eyes of God?

If you're doing that you might as well just have sex?

I don't really understand why you think bum sex is OK? 🤣

TingeOGinge · 13/07/2024 18:17

Is it because you think you're not taking her virginity? You've penetrated her with your penis, neither of you are virgins.
The vagina isn't some magical orifice of purity.

You're fucking her in the arse, there's nothing pious about that.

Eeeden · 13/07/2024 18:21

It is nobody else's business what happens in the sex life of 2 consenting adults. If there were a god I doubt very much they would be interested.

Eeeden · 13/07/2024 18:23

For what it is worth, anal sex is many steps further than vaginal.

MiscellaneousSupportHuman · 13/07/2024 18:24

David Lodge described the permutations of sex as

a) doing 1 thing with one person
b) doing n things with one person
c) doing 1 think with n people
d) doing n things with n people

He said that committed Christians are fine with a&b

As long as you are both consenting, then I don't think the bodily detail is important

VincitVeritas1 · 13/07/2024 19:41

It wasn't necessary to quote my entire post @VittuunterroristitFuckterrorists and nothing I stated was homophobic.

The OP is married @TingeOGinge.

@MiscellaneousSupportHuman Just being consenting adults is not enough. Sex outside of marriage is fornication.

VittuunterroristitFuckterrorists · 13/07/2024 20:27

VincitVeritas1 · 13/07/2024 19:41

It wasn't necessary to quote my entire post @VittuunterroristitFuckterrorists and nothing I stated was homophobic.

The OP is married @TingeOGinge.

@MiscellaneousSupportHuman Just being consenting adults is not enough. Sex outside of marriage is fornication.

I quoted you because I was responding to you. Didn't realise that's not allowed. 😐

And yeah some of the implications behind your post are homophobic. I've unfortunately read enough of your many, many lengthy bible quoting posts both pre- and post- flounce to realise that.

batt3nb3rg · 13/07/2024 22:39

TomPinch · 13/07/2024 01:52

You say this and yet you have just attempted your own, equally unconvincing and off topic 'gotcha'.

It’s not at all off topic given what was being replied to was saying “don’t be silly OP, you don’t need to worry about what the Bible says about sex because you don’t follow all these other rules”. I was pointing out that those rules are not for Christians.

VincitVeritas1 · 13/07/2024 23:38

I quoted you because I was responding to you. Didn't realise that's not allowed. 😐

Just use a tag @VittuunterroristitFuckterrorists, saves a lot of room!

I'm flattered you've taken the time to read some of my other (very lengthy) posts.😉

littlegreencaravan · 13/07/2024 23:42

If you like it up the bum I'm sure god won't mind.

Firapple · 14/07/2024 13:32

LeftFooter · 13/07/2024 18:08

You’re completely wrong about this @Firapple. It’s religious people who have the most satisfying sex lives
www.patheos.com/blogs/davearmstrong/2020/02/sociology-devout-married-christians-have-best-sex.html

Note the institution at which the study was carried out.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/07/2024 18:48

batt3nb3rg · 13/07/2024 00:47

I understand that many athiests love "gotcha"-ing Christians, and that's all fine and good, but you need to do some theological study before doing so. It is actually the whole point of the New Testament that God has made a new covenant with man that is based on a person believing that Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for their sin, and that the new covenant replaces the old covenant that God had with the Jewish people. The 613 commandments are not observed by Christians because they are not for us, not because we are sneaky and duplicitous.

Pretty sure there isn't a parable about doing one's Missus up the arse, though. Unless it's the sower of the seed one.

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