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Original poster

Sexual ethics within Christian marriage - are there boundaries in the bedroom?

68 replies

bakedpotatoforlunch · 01/12/2023 13:11

We've been married for many years. We are both committed Christians. We are totally exclusive, faithful, committed to one another and love each other very much. We also have occasional anal sex. It's gentle, careful and mutually enjoyable. It has occurred to me sometimes to ask myself is this okay?

Having read various online views on this from a Christian perspective it seems there is no settled opinion. There is no mention in the Bible and the nearest I can get is the Song of Songs where there is a sense of general encouragement of physical passion and sensuality. My own thought is that God is not prescriptive in these matters but leaves us to work out from his overarching commandment to love and care for one another and this must include the context of sex. Where does that leave anal sex where there is potentially the possibility of tissue damage or infection if not careful (which we are, very, and have never had issues)? I would be interested in the views of others.

OP posts:
abouttobecomeagrandparent · 01/12/2023 13:13

You do you

Unabletomitigate · 01/12/2023 13:20

This is definitely a conversation you need to have with your pastor. Or in your bible discussion group. Or in the tea tent at the next church picnic.

HeliumChestedTrollop · 01/12/2023 13:21

but doesn't God condemn sodomites?

SylvieLaufeydottir · 01/12/2023 13:23

HeliumChestedTrollop · 01/12/2023 13:21

but doesn't God condemn sodomites?

In the same context in which he condemns to death those who eat shellfish and wear mixed fabrics.

copiley695 · 01/12/2023 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LoveTheDarts · 01/12/2023 13:26

As long as you don't look back you'll probably be ok 🧂🧂🧂🧂🧂🧂🧂

idontlikealdi · 01/12/2023 13:27

What are your committed Christian views on homosexuality?

EauNeu · 01/12/2023 13:29

Doesn't the Bible tell us to turn the other cheek

Tukmgru · 01/12/2023 13:31

There’s no such thing as God, so don’t worry about it.

Validus · 01/12/2023 13:52

Are you thinking it is ‘sexually immoral’ or ‘unnatural desire’?

Sodom and Gomorrah were firebombed because they apparently ‘indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire’. But where in The Bible does it say this would count?

TiptoeTess · 01/12/2023 14:19

Imagine being God and being expected to give a fuck about this.

Original poster
bakedpotatoforlunch · 01/12/2023 14:32

I'm neither a perv nor a troll. I am simply asking if there are certain boundaries regarding sexual behaviour within Christian marriage. Sodom and Gomorrah are synonymous with selfish, destructive behaviour of the most serious kind not acts of loving intimacy within a relationship of life-long commitment.

As it happens I do believe in the reality of God and the bible as guidance for my life. I accept that other people will have very different views and my question isn't whether God exists or not. I happen to believe he does. My question, which I hope is a serious one, has to do with a specifically Christian ethic but one which unsurprisingly does not come up in conversation readily. One which other Christian people might possibly also wonder about. Which is why I ask it here.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2023 14:38

From the love and respect side, I'd assume God is ok with consensual acts of which you both get pleasure.

From the old testament angry God side, isn't sex meant to be for procreation hence men can't masturbate because of the seed, no contraception etc. that's the side that would possibly condemn sex which won't get you pregnant.

Assuming you've already done that, I'd go back to the first bit.

MrsJellybee · 01/12/2023 14:51

I’m atheist, but here goes…

My understanding of why the ‘God’ of the Bible (old) was so against sodomy and masturbation was because it was non reproductive sex. In the Bronze Age, such sex was problematic to certain populations that were dwindling in number, at risk of annihilation from war, disease, famine. Certainly the Hebrews were in this category. The Greeks, not so much… Certain peoples didn’t live long enough to enjoy recreational sex. Sex had to have a practical purpose which was to reproduce. It wasn’t the act itself (masturbation, anal sex, withdrawal) which was the problem, but rather that it was a reproductive dead end.

We don’t live in such times now. Don’t worry about it.

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/12/2023 15:10

Given that you think God would be against it due to the danger rather than anything to do with reproduction, surely all sex would be as bad.

I've thrown my back out twice in the past 6 months during plain old PIV, and DP once gave herself a black eye when she fell off the bed while hopping on rather too enthusiastically.

Personally, I don't believe in God, but if one did exist, I struggle with understanding why a loving god would consign his worshippers to everlasting torment just because they enjoyed a bit of bum fun.

Marthawhochanged · 01/12/2023 15:43

We go back to the old wording of the marriage service:
"With my body I thee worship"
Please do not go to the Old Testament and try and unpick any kind of behaviour recommendations. It is more than can be done in a lifetime.
Jesus is about Love Forgiveness and do unto others...etc
Enjoy yourselves and have fun.

OhpoorMe · 01/12/2023 15:50

Tukmgru · 01/12/2023 13:31

There’s no such thing as God, so don’t worry about it.

You're in the religion and philosophy topic, be respectful.

MuchTooTired · 01/12/2023 15:56

I thought anal sex was fine, at least that’s what I’d been led to believe devout Christian’s do pre marriage to remain a virgin before marriage. If in doubt, I’d go to confession to clear it!

Ilovelurchers · 01/12/2023 15:56

This is not something the majority of modern Christians would worry about or give any thought to. But most Christians in the UK aren't too worried about God having an opinion on their sex-life full stop, providing it is consensual and kind.

I wonder if you belong to a particular denomination of Christianity with extremely traditional views? If so you would perhaps be better off seeking advice from people within your own church, as the majority of respondents on here aren't Christians at all, and those who are are likely to be a lot more liberal than you, for the main part.

For what it's worth I can't conceive of a God who would object to consensual sexual acts between adults myself. But respectfully, I imagine your conception of God is so different to my own, as to make my opinion irrelevant to you.

WhyMeWhyNowWhyNot · 01/12/2023 16:00

I would really really hope that if god exists he has more important things to worry about - but given the appalling homophobia that exists in most religions i expect he’s far more exercised about who is putting their willy where than he is about kids dying of starvation.

Mariposista · 01/12/2023 16:12

One of my closest friends is a vicar (ordained 5 years ago). She is married to her second husband (so divorced) who adopted her son, and she will marry me and my boyfriend. I have discussed sex with her (mainly over wine). She reckons as long as it is part of a consensual, loving monogamous relationship - you're good to go. And she knows loads of unmarried/engaged couples are at it, and doesn't condemn that. And yes, I did ask if that includes use of sex toys.

Meanwhile the pastor of the church I used to go to when living overseas was really radical. He had 7 kids with his wife who he had married age 19, regularly churned out sermons on how sinful most sex was, and anyone new in the church got 'the talk', by means of a welcome. It was very uncomfortable (although we did laugh at it).

To each their own, but I don't think you have too much to worry about.

CurlewKate · 01/12/2023 16:21

I don't think there's anything in the New Testament about anal sex. There is in the Old, though so it depends where you get your guidance from. Some churches say that any act of sex must have the potential for reproduction.
I think you need to talk to your minister about it.

Also- I know you've said you are-but really do be incredibly careful.

secretrugbyfan · 01/12/2023 16:57

It's an interesting perspective (from my atheist POV) that you are happy to follow religious guidance that was written thousands of years ago, but would almost certainly rule out many historical values/beliefs from not long ago (woman must serve husband, do as she is told, not speak up etc etc). I don't agree with the historical values BTW, and you are right to follow what you choose to do, but has nobody ever questioned the Bible as being out of date and not relevant to the way we live now? This is an honest question, rather than something to provoke a disagreement/argument. As for anal sex, as long as you enjoy it, you are safe and don't injure/hurt each other, and you both like it, just do it.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 01/12/2023 17:05

EauNeu · 01/12/2023 13:29

Doesn't the Bible tell us to turn the other cheek

Bravo 😁

Firapple · 01/12/2023 17:06

This is remarkably silly, OP. Do you obey all the rules about shellfish, wearing wool and linen together and not ploughing with an ox and an ass from the Old Testament? Given that the Bible has precisely zero things to say about anal sex, why are you looking for alternative sources of 'wisdom' on your deity's likely opinion on your bedroom antics?