Sexual ethics within Christian marriage - are there boundaries in the bedroom?

[bakedpotatoforlunch]

We've been married for many years. We are both committed Christians. We are totally exclusive, faithful, committed to one another and love each other very much. We also have occasional anal sex. It's gentle, careful and mutually enjoyable. It has occurred to me sometimes to ask myself is this okay?

Having read various online views on this from a Christian perspective it seems there is no settled opinion. There is no mention in the Bible and the nearest I can get is the Song of Songs where there is a sense of general encouragement of physical passion and sensuality. My own thought is that God is not prescriptive in these matters but leaves us to work out from his overarching commandment to love and care for one another and this must include the context of sex. Where does that leave anal sex where there is potentially the possibility of tissue damage or infection if not careful (which we are, very, and have never had issues)? I would be interested in the views of others.

The thing is, you as a woman, already have a naturally made hole for sex. You don't need to use your bum.

So, as Christian, it's not really doing it the natural way, which is how we were made and what God intended.

The "sin" of sodomy derives from the Genesis tale about the men of Sodom. It specifically refers to anal sex - the men wanted to rape Lot's male visitors, even after he'd offered them his daughters instead (!)

Civilisations from the Bronze Age onwards have outlawed sodomy, frequently taking it to mean any non-reproductive sex and always meaning anal sex.

Incidentally, Sodom and Gomorrah were real city-states whose reputations were deliberately trashed as an excuse for robbing & destroying them.

As a Bible believer, however, you go ahead and believe the story. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your married sex life, but you shouldn't at the same time re-interpret Genesis to suit your preferences.

I'm not sure what you hope to get from this thread. As you've already noted, this is not an area where the biblical teaching is explicit, so different churches and individual Christians will vary in their approach. You've clearly come to your opinion after proper discernment and in good conscience, and by agreement with your husband, so you're good to go - it doesn't matter what other Christians do in this instance because it's not a case of a clear commandment either way.

FWIW, my church teaches that sex should be for the mutual enjoyment of the spouses, as well as procreation. In practice, that means most things which are consensual and not degrading to either person are ok, but if the man ejaculates it must be PIV. That's the basic summary, anyway.

@bakedpotatoforlunch .

The end of the day it's how you feel about this , how you are treated in your relationship, about your personal boundaries, personal ethics,
as long as you know about possible health risks involved with this sexual practice and how mimise them ect,
it's quite well known sodmony is percieved in Christianity religion as being an unofficial tabbo a no go terriority cause of the prickly problematic issue of this unconventional sexual practice being regarded as being the sexual practise associated strongly with homosexualiy,
i think this kind of sexual practice is like sexuality version of akin to liking marmite you either like it ,don't mind or thinks it's far too weird gross, or just don't like it,

Your kind of question is symbolic of why i think ✝️ christiany and other established kinds of religions
when it comes to agency tends to quite often encourage women to regress to defer their personal feelings or needs for the higher good of the their faith etc,
which can be detrimental to their well being in other ways too,
be self sacrificing ,allways be kind think of others instead of yourself first, as its selfish,

I’m broadly Pagan, but my best friend is a committed Christian and an all-round marvellous human being. We both are of the opinion that any form of loving, consensual sexual expression is not only ok but an absolute gift from the divine/god/however you choose to conceptualise it. Although we come from very different perspectives, we agree that the only ‘sin’ in sexual terms lies in behaviour that’s hurtful, exploitative or non-consensual. If you and your husband are happy and satisfied and it enhances your closeness and love, that’s a beautiful thing.

Thank you. I really appreciate your responses. I think generally I am happy in my mind with how things are. I think as a previous poster says if something enhances closeness and love that has to be a good thing. @Fink I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting in terms of responses. In our church which is very "middle of the road" sex is simply never mentioned. Personally I'm fine with that so far as I'm not the sort of person who especially wants to share things which are fundamentally rather private. At the same time it is good to be able to ask a question from time to time, to find out what others think, as I can do on a forum like this one.

Each to their own and you do you. I know a lot of people get pleasure from inserting things into their bum. A lot of folk get pleasure out of doing lots of things that are 'questionable' and feel the need to seek assurance they are not alone. The bottom line (excuse the pun) is that God knows our hearts and He has given us free will do do whatever we desire. To a follower of Christ Jesus I would say that God made our genitals for procreation and enjoyment, and He designed the anus as part of our alimentary canal to evacuate faeces and to allow the release of gastric gases. As a consenting adult, it's your choice, and nobody else's business (ooh, another pun?) if you want to mix the two.

As you're a Christian, then you get to pick and choose the parts of the bible you believe in.

No one cares what you do in the bedroom so long as it's legal and safe.

I've no idea about scripture so I could be wrong here and my apologies. So, if you're a Christian then you follow the teachings of Jesus..

I'm sure he didn't spend his time debating the pros and cons of anal sex within married relationships with his disciples. I'd also lay money that some of disciples had their own opinions on the subject, for a whole variety of reasons, not least because they were human beings.

If what you do is consensual and you're doing things safely is there really a moral issue?

Unfortunately plenty of Chtistians do seem to care what other people do in the bedroom.

Indeed. I and most of my siblings wouldn't exist if the Catholic church had not had such strong ideas about the immorality of 'artificial' contraception (the papal encyclical Humanae Vitae in 1968 said it could not be permitted because it 'opened the way for marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standards'), and that every act of sex needed to be a potential act of procreation.

Basically, marital fidelity is easier to enforce when you're shit-scared of getting pregnant.

And not wearing a condom is waaay more important than attempting to curtail the spread of AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa and elsewhere.

I see AtheistZombieBot™ has arrived.

The ancient Greeks, Romans and Egyptians only tolerated homosexuality when there was an age difference AND when the receiving partner was a slave. Slave women could also be tortured anally (eg being skewered). That’s why all the monotheist religions from the middle east banned it — it was a way of slaves reclaiming ownership over their own bodies.

The reasons for the slave populations of ancient Arabia banning homosexuality and anal sex has nothing to do with modern times. Feel free to ignore.

They never taught us that in History in the 80's. It would have been much more fu than the Cuban Missle Crisis.

Source: trust me Bro.

Do you have any source on that?

I think your conscience is pricking you (pun unintended) because you know that what you’re doing is not ideal — and not what God intended. Your bum isn’t meant for that and you could do yourself an injury.

Read about the theology of the body (books by Christopher West) for a fuller exploration of why God does care about all this.

Wow I'd never heard that about the reasons for not having anal sex then. Where can I find out more?

So much makes more sense in context!

(no longer Christian but still fascinated.)

Google Catholic sexual ethics with the relevant search term. Catholics, as you might imagine, have rules for this as for everything else — in a good way in my book!

Considering that there is no way to biblically justify a woman being a vicar, I wouldn't give very much weight to the opinions of your friend on Christian love and sex.

I understand that many athiests love "gotcha"-ing Christians, and that's all fine and good, but you need to do some theological study before doing so. It is actually the whole point of the New Testament that God has made a new covenant with man that is based on a person believing that Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for their sin, and that the new covenant replaces the old covenant that God had with the Jewish people. The 613 commandments are not observed by Christians because they are not for us, not because we are sneaky and duplicitous.

You say this and yet you have just attempted your own, equally unconvincing and off topic 'gotcha'.

God gave us boundaries for clear reasons, like the coastal authorities put up signs on cliff edges about the dangers of unstable cliffs and rock falls. Reproduction is a necessary part of the continuation of life but an achilles heel to the species, it opens up many vulnerabilities to various kinds of peril... STDs, reproductive cancers, physical injury through birth, psychiatric injury through PND, heartbreak, psychological trauma, anal prolapses, mismatched dynamics between the sexes, moral quagmires created by surrogacy/selective IVF etc etc. That's just prosaic level mundane world consequences. There's a whole plethora of metaphysical consequences that are waiting in the wings to manifest into the physical realms one day. God's commandments for the bedroom and reproduction ensure boundaries and safeguarding for the vulnerable of the species, women and children especially, and ensure healthy human relationality and social flourishing. The created telos (intended purpose) of the vagina and the anus are, ahem, very different 😉 Sexual ethics are Chesterton's fence stuff... they exist to keep lupine, or other perils and consequences out of the human realm. Only God is privy to the full extent of the bigger picture view of the moral and consequential landscape, so that's why we need to align to his intention for creation and not our follow our own desires and hedonism.

"Anything we do that falls short of perfect harmony with the will of God is sin. Sin is not merely rule-breaking, but failing to live in accord with the structure of reality itself." Rod Dreher

This is remarkably silly, OP. Do you obey all the rules about shellfish, wearing wool and linen together and not ploughing with an ox and an ass from the Old Testament?

This argument has zero foundation if you know anything about the gospel. I've written about this before:

(apologies for length of post!)
The laws you're referring to come under the Law of Moses, which were given to the Israelites. Christians are no longer required to follow this law. After Jesus was crucified & resurrected He created what is called the 'New Covenant'. The Levitical priesthood was replaced when Jesus became for us the new, eternal, Great High Priest:

'Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest. He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. Jesus has been found worthy of greater honour than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honour than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. " Moses was faithful as a servant in all God’s house,” bearing witness to what would be spoken by God in the future. But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory.' (Hebrews 3:1-6).

We are no longer under the Mosaic Law, but under the law of Christ:

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” (Galatians 5:1-6)

…“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” (Galatians 5:16-26).

There was a lot of debate in the early church in regards to the recent Gentile (non Jewish) converts:

"Certain people came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the believers: “Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved.” This brought Paul and Barnabas into sharp dispute and debate with them. So Paul and Barnabas were appointed, along with some other believers, to go up to Jerusalem to see the apostles and elders about this question. The church sent them on their way, and as they travelled through Phoenicia and Samaria, they told how the Gentiles had been converted. This news made all the believers very glad. When they came to Jerusalem, they were welcomed by the church and the apostles and elders, to whom they reported everything God had done through them. Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to keep the law of Moses.” The apostles and elders met to consider this question. After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith. Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear? No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.” (Acts 15:1-11).

…’Then the apostles and elders, with the whole church, decided to choose some of their own men and send them to Antioch with Paul and Barnabas. They chose Judas (called Barsabbas) and Silas, men who were leaders among the believers. With them they sent the following letter:
The apostles and elders, your brothers,
To the Gentile believers in Antioch, Syria and Cilicia:
Greetings.
We have heard that some went out from us without our authorization and disturbed you, troubling your minds by what they said. So we all agreed to choose some men and send them to you with our dear friends Barnabas and Paul - men who have risked their lives for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore we are sending Judas and Silas to confirm by word of mouth what we are writing. It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.
Farewell.’ (Acts 15:22-29).

As a general rule, if a law is reiterated or confirmed in the New Testament, then it still applies today. The Mosaic Law can be divided into three main categories; moral, ceremonial and civil. Moral laws, such as those found in the ten commandments, will always be relevant. Ceremonial laws, such as those relating to ritual purification before entering the Tabernacle of God, were specific to the nation of Israel and temporary. Other laws, such as not wearing mixed fabrics, related to the governing of Israel, set the Israelites apart from the nations around them and kept them from adopting their pagan customs and practices. So as you can see, while we can now eat pork and shellfish or wear clothing made from two or more different fabrics, Christians should not be involved with sexual immorality, worshipping idols or any other ‘acts of the flesh’.