I'm no longer a Christian at age 40. So what now?

[DustSalad]

Hey

I became a Christian when I was very young - accepted Jesus in the special prayer when I was about 8 or something. My dad was agnostic but my mum was a strong believer (she converted after we were born). I wasn't forced into it or anything. I suppose I just believed what my mum told me. I suspect I would have laughed at Christians otherwise as I was quite into science.

But I was never a very good Christian especially when I became a teenager. I didn't enjoy going to church much despite trying, sometimes very hard, and even going on Christian holidays and reading Christian literature. At other times I slept around and drank a lot. My default setting is to swear and be cynical and generally not even like other people that much, never mind want to be kind and loving to everyone!

So at age 40 I just don't know what I believe anymore. I do believe there are contradictions in the Bible. I actually find the Jesus character really irritating - he never just answers a question, it's always a bloody riddle with him!

And yes I can absolutely see how organised religion is all about controlling women and making money. But that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't still a God...?

I feel a bit down now though. I haven't told anyone how I feel. A lot of my friends are from church. I even still say the same sort of things I always have eg I wrote about God in a condolence card to someone today from church.

What do I do now? Read books on athiesm? Who do I talk to? My church minister or my local athiest?!

Thanks

*I really like pubs btw

I just want to add, in regard to being 40 and unmarried, if you have any inclination towards bisexuality or even repressed Lesbianism, you can easily find a lovely Lesbian partner and even have a family.
I'm lesbian and lesbians don't have age issues ( it's a male and gay male thing). 40-60 years old it's easy to find a partner; this is a normal nice employed woman too!

I agree with much of what you say, @PermanentTemporary (though not your inference that Christianity is invented by humans and there is no God) - if OP has already tried lots of different churches then yes it might just be that church is not for her. But if she hasn't then it's sensible that she does before she gives up on it. Personally I like pubs and churches, but not all of either of them.

Thanks everyone, you are all brilliant!

Haha I wondered if I'd get slaughtered for my evisceration of Christians who annoy me!

Again, lots for me to think about. I'm off work next week so will have the brainspace I hope!

@DustSalad thanks for posting and being such a breath of fresh air. Hope you find peace in it all, stay courageous.

I grew up Christian/ Methodist.
But principles like ' do unto others' etc I abide by, but other stuff sex before marriage, homosexuality etc are absolutely ok.
I certainly believe in God, but one who loves all - and does not judge - as religion (designed ti control the masses)
I believe god is inside us all, and that we all have the potential to be good,bad or somewhere in between.
I have met many people who walk as angels
Iife can be hard , and life can be beautiful
But there is certainly something more to all of this than what to see, feel and understand

I certainly think I'll see dad again
After he passed I could sense him clearly for a very short time.
And yes the Christian did pinch Christmas from the Pagans - something about making Christianity more popular.

Congratulations on your emancipation!

Don’t rush into finding a replacement though. If you are destined for an alternative spirituality that will reveal itself in good time!

Oh gosh, how liberating for you!

Once you get on the internet you do go down lots of rabbit holes around leaving a religion, such as, figuring out what your morals are, how your personal relationships will change, how there might be feelings of loneliness if you are losing a community, and how apostates can endanger themselves by renouncing their faith.

Atheism is very broad and has extreme fringes. Agnosticism is a "not sure" "I need proof" "maybe" "half in hslf out" approach which is also very broad. When I was figuring it out in my teens, I was agnostic until my early 20s when Richard Dawkins caught my attention. I don't agree with everything he says now because there are many, many other "freethinkers" that have influenced my view. Look for videos by Ricky Gervais and Sam Harris, Shaparak Khorsandi and Christopher Hitchens.

The UK humanists offer tons of information but they are turning increasingly political these days. The National Secular Society campaign for seperation if church & state.

Not Christianity, but I read Yasmine Mohammed's book Unveiled: How Western Liberals Empower Radical Islam very helpful. She describes how her life was within Islam and how it was when she left. I also liked the Little Book of Humanism by the UK Humanists. I'm not a humanist myself but it offers ideas about unbelief. If you can get through it (I couldn't) you could read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. The good thing about all these books is you can read them, agree or not agree with them, and it's ok.

On TV "Unorthodox" (Netflix) was a drama about a young woman who escaped her arranged Jewish marriage to live abroad. Again, not Christianity, but it gives you an idea of what religion & culture gives, and takes away.

I hope eventually you'll find peace and develop views of your own with values you can live by.

You don't need something to call yourself, or a label to put yourself under. It's okay to just not know. That's where I'm at. I just don't know. I accept it's all a bit mystery and get on with the here and now. If there's anything more, I'll find out. If there isn't, I'll be none the wiser.

This is useful. Thank you

This is also true

It's very hard when your beliefs change around you. Remember, the guiding principle of nearly all religions is kindness, and that includes to yourself. It might be useful to speak to a trusted clergy member, as many will have had crises of faith. It's also important I think to recognise the Bible is just stories to illustrate ideas, not reality, and that not believing the stories doesn't mean you don't understand the message

I am a bit different, because I came to faith as a teenager through reading the bible on my own. My family are atheist and find it very strange. I now attend church but I found church very difficult for a long time, for all the reasons mentioned! It is not always welcoming and I don't speak Christian! Church is a man made institution full of all human failings, so your criticisms and frustrations are understandable. Perhaps you could try different churches or no church for a while. There are some alternative home churches (depending where you are). Sometimes a break from church for a few months can help to reset and consider what works, if anything.

I have doubts, but I can't understand how anyone can genuinely think about these things and not doubt. I have heard it said that doubt is given to us by god to allow us to chose to experience faith. It is part of faith, not a rejection of faith in itself.

My very wise FIL says in faith you may have times of being warm, cold or lukewarm. And that this is part of a life in faith. Maybe this is a lukewarm phase for you? And thinking about it as a time for reflection may be good?

Good luck!

OP, I could once have written your post. I was a devout CofE for over 20 years until I stepped one foot out of place, as it were; the church I went to had few flowery skirts, had a lot of older great people and a lot of sharp-witted younger ones, with wicked senses of humour. I miss them but that church has changed over the recent years and they're no longer members anyway. After said stepping out of place I was rather unpleasantly treated, and eventually left. Since then I've looked at a number of paths; I went to Pagan moots but realised they had the same gatekeepers and bigots as the Church did; I struggled for some time wondering what I was. I found my own way through the Tarot and it led me again back to God, but this time under my own terms and without any people trying to feed me man-made dogma. I sadly look at the Church as a group of superstitious and often plain wrong people with well-meaning motives, but a rather childish view on stuff (no offence intended to any of them, it's just my own view). If I had to describe myself I'd say part Christian, part witch, but above all a solitary walker of my own path - and it has been the best thing I could have done. I can read the Bible alongside great books on Tarot, witchcraft, spirituality, I have to please no one other than myself, and I can look myself in the eye without apology. I'm not sure that labelling ourselves is helpful. I don't believe God cares what label if any we hang on ourselves, so long as we live true to our own Will and do right by others. Be peace, OP, you'll find your way, hopefully you'll enjoy the journey!

How about exploring Buddhism? I read "Buddha in Your Mirror" book 12 years ago (whist doing Christianity Explored course). I never looked back. There are a lot of practicing Buddhists in the UK. To find your local group please contact SGI-UK

You talk about rejecting Christianity and seem to recognise that this doesn’t mean there isn’t a God

Many people I know, me included, believe in a God/higher power but no organised religion. I see the bible as another collection of religious allegory intended as a guide for personal and spiritual developments, full of symbolism and code. I see Christ as a concept that can be applied to every person. Jesus was pointing this out.

interestingly the age of 40 is often seen as an age of access to more esoteric knowledge. 40 is a period of cleansing and renewal and change throughout the bible. A period of getting ready for the next stage. For example, traditionally Kabbalah in Judaism was only studied after the age of 40 when there was deemed to be appropriate levels of understanding.

Take time some think what you believe. Even some types of Christian’s consider Jesus as being an allegory.

I’m similar to @NutellaEllaElla, I suppose I’m a Christian (non practising) but more atheist and close friends to a Catholic (but she’s disillusioned with her faith).

What put me off religion was going to a Catholic convent school but I was Protestant. The nuns on the whole were awful, so bitchy and gossipy.

My DM in the 70s became a Sufi. They welcome all religions and their books are amazing if that’s a route you’d like to explore.

I’m so glad I found this thread.

I left church in April after going intermittently through covid. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I was raised by my mother who is a strict evangelical Christian and if she knew I was writing these words she’d be ringing the church pastor for prayer.

I’ve just had enough of it. I was raised to believe that I was sinful, a ‘wretch’ and if I ever did anything good, it was God not me. As a result, I have profound low self esteem which has affected my life for years and I am now nearly 40.

I went to church week in week out like a sheep, feeling guilty if I just wanted a lie in, then covid happened and I didn’t have to go because I couldn’t. And it felt so fucking great. My husband still takes the kids and feels sad that I no longer come with them. I feel worried that they may be subjected to harmful messages, although the church he goes to is more liberal and then enjoy going.

being brutally honest, the Christian’s I have experienced have been the most judgemental, gossipy people I have ever met. And I no longer wish to endure it.

and whilst I type this, the sad thing is I am wondering if this is the devil in me and I if am in fact bound for hell for being ‘against’ God. They say when you are ‘saved’ you are free but I have felt enslaved by the whole thing for so long. I will always be terrified of going to hell, even though I am now trying to think with my own mind.

@Sprockgirl glad this thread is helping.

I know what you mean. I feel guilty about rejecting Jesus who, i've been taught, suffered and died in agony just for me.

What a lovely thing to teach people (incl children), I mean, talk about emotional blackmail.

I read somewhere that actually what sort of justice is that, to execute an innocent person in place of the "guilty".

Yes exactly. And it’s a bit like someone else said, outside of the church there’s no way I’d let my kids near some of these people- and it tends to be mostly men telling women what to do!

my mum was telling me her church supports gay people to actively remain celibate the other day and I just felt total rage about it. People are being gaslit around just living their lives and making personal choices and that aren’t illegal like they treat it as such!

I don’t know how I will get over my guilt and shame from moving away from it. It’s a toughie.

@DustSalad I realise now how cruel and controlling it is to tell children that a man died for you because you are so bad. It’s so fucked up! I only realised this when I had children and couldn’t bring myself to teach this to them.

The concept of original sun makes you loath yourself and constantly feel bad about everything. Then surprise surprise don’t worry god forgives you and makes you feel loved. It’s making people sick so you can sell them some medicine! The Christian relationship with God is like an abusive partner.

It's a load of shit, isn't it.

I mean no-one asked me before entering me into this "believe in me with no evidence or you will go to hell forever" game.

I found Elizabeth Goudge's books really helped me make sense of Christianity in its best forms - though I wouldn't describe myself as a Christian (brought up as a Catholic though, so understand being fed a certain dogma as a child, which I promptly rejected as a teen).

I think she was secretly a pagan at heart : ) Her books are fiction but with spiritual themes.

Her dad was a canon, but she always was curious and wanting to work things out for herself. Her Christianity is very forgiving.