I'm no longer a Christian at age 40. So what now?

[DustSalad]

Hey

I became a Christian when I was very young - accepted Jesus in the special prayer when I was about 8 or something. My dad was agnostic but my mum was a strong believer (she converted after we were born). I wasn't forced into it or anything. I suppose I just believed what my mum told me. I suspect I would have laughed at Christians otherwise as I was quite into science.

But I was never a very good Christian especially when I became a teenager. I didn't enjoy going to church much despite trying, sometimes very hard, and even going on Christian holidays and reading Christian literature. At other times I slept around and drank a lot. My default setting is to swear and be cynical and generally not even like other people that much, never mind want to be kind and loving to everyone!

So at age 40 I just don't know what I believe anymore. I do believe there are contradictions in the Bible. I actually find the Jesus character really irritating - he never just answers a question, it's always a bloody riddle with him!

And yes I can absolutely see how organised religion is all about controlling women and making money. But that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't still a God...?

I feel a bit down now though. I haven't told anyone how I feel. A lot of my friends are from church. I even still say the same sort of things I always have eg I wrote about God in a condolence card to someone today from church.

What do I do now? Read books on athiesm? Who do I talk to? My church minister or my local athiest?!

Thanks

I can completely relate to this, OP. I'm 10 years older and going through the same thing. It's like a bolt hit me, and suddenly Christianity just looked liked jobs for the boys (I know quite a few clergy). I always say vfecoming a member of the clergy is a middle classed way of having a nervous breakdown, dropping out of the rat race, and having the church look after you! But I digress. Religion is very much about controlling women, and I'm struggling with that, esp as I'm getting divorced and now in no man's land amongst the smug married Christian women.

I'm not bitter, but I find going to church suddenly boring and repetitive after 30 years. They just don't seem to have the answers to what is going on the world, except to say " end times" . Its been end times for 2000 years!!

My advice would be to find an Alpha course to go on, or similar. It takes you back to basics - who was Jesus, why did he die, what about science, why is there suffering, etc. It sounds to me like you may never have fully accepted Jesus or had a real relationship with him, or even if you did you've lost it along the way.

I know lots of people, from atheists to strong Christians, who found Alpha really helped them on their Christian journey, and even those that don't have found it interesting in helping them understand what others believe or what they themselves really believe.

And I'd like to point out that organised religion is not all about controlling women or making money - but like in all parts of life there are some bad churches out there. So if your church made you feel like that, find another one.

And if after that you do walk away from the church and Jesus, then find yourself another community, whether it's through volunteering or a hobby.

Enjoy liberation op. It's hard to go back once you've opened your eyes.
You can separate dirty, corrupt religion from theism anyway if that helps. Are all your friendships based physically in church? You can stop be friends with religious people.

I'm atheist and am really good friends with a active Catholic. Religion never comes up in our conversations. You don't have to centre it in your life anymore. GP and explore other interests.

You might enjoy reading Sarah Bessey 's book "Out of Sorts".
It is the story of how she sifted through what she did/didn't believe and I have found it very helpful in starting my own journey of sorting through what I do and don't believe.

Your faith is your own.

the bible is a translation, I’m a scientist and I believe in God, the Big Bang theory, dinosaurs and evolution. The bible is a series of books which were selected so I don’t look at the words from a literally point of view but more like what does this story tell us, just like what does this painting mean or piece of art. Some books such as the book of Mary or Thomas weren’t selected.

I tune out when at my very liberal church someone does a sermon and fixated on one word - which might not even exist in English but it’s a translation. On Sunday it was someone talking about genesis and the Hebrew of a word meaning formless and it doesn’t it doesn’t have a translation maybe chaos? The planets formed out of chaos. I believe in eras of time - but we believe that from science eg light, water, planets, photosynthesis, then animals etc then mankind

my daughter comes to church but calls herself a humanist but she enjoys the social side

I’m pro abortion or at least the right to choose, homosexuality, sex outside marriage and yes I do think about the oppression of women but also remember what the books such as Ephesians were written for and to …. And times change we used to stone people in the U.K. we don’t anymore …. Etc times change

Figure out who you actually are, and what you think, without indoctrination?

Of course organized religion is all about controlling women, anyone who can't see this is utterly blind.

Embrace your new freedom OP! You've rejected the patriarchy's insidious messaging.

Congratulations

You celebrate!

I was brought up in the Catholic faith, and then I started to question it at about age 13.
Since then, I've tried to follow just what I feel - what my heart tells me is kind.

I'm definitely not perfect - and sometimes ( even many times!) I do what I wish, in reflection, I hadn't done.
And sometimes I think about what I've done and whether I could have done it better.

Isn't that what life is all about though? - just trying to live in harmony with other people? And questioning whether we 'got it right'

Sometimes you think you could have done it better.
Sometimes you think they could have done it better.

Life's not perfect and we're not perfect.

I think people can learn to trust their hearts ...............

I feel like I maybe actually wrote that !!

Witchcraft. Seriously, look into it. Nature worship, herbology and inner goddess archetype.

Maiden - mother - matriarch aspects of the goddess.

Go with the flow of moon cycles and your own female cycle. So empowering!

Half the people at your church probably don't believe, especially the more educated scientific ones. It's about social fabric and community as much as anything.
The good news is that if you have stopped believing you don't need to do anything. That's kind of the point - there's no higher being watching you with a list of demands

Thanks everyone, some really good points here...

I'm sad though because this means that there really are people/pets who have died who I won't see again.

I can just IMAGINE what my mother would say if I told her today (Hallowe'en) that I'm now into witchcraft. Honestly she would physically cart me away for an exorcism.

I was brought up in a Christian family and really believed/tried to believe up until the age of about 30. But like you, I did lots of drinking/sex/partying - accompanied by lots of guilt and shame.

When I was about 30 I was reading a book by Derren Brown of all people I think, where he talks about losing his faith and I suddenly realised that it was all just made up. All the 'signs' that God had given me, all the experiences I'd had that proved God was real - they were all in my head, wishful thinking.

Honestly my life has been so much better since then. I'm not constantly asking a mythical being for forgiveness and worrying what he has in store for me. I'm not worried about Satan and people I love going to hell because they don't believe. I just live my life trying to treat other people as I would like to be treated. And sometimes shit things happen and it's not down to God or Satan, there's no plan for my life that I need to follow. It's utterly liberating.

What do I do now? Read books on athiesm? Who do I talk to? My church minister or my local athiest?!

How about you just live your one and only life as happily and productively (if you want) as you would like? Is it important to discuss/read about things that you can't change or influence?

You don’t have to be an athiest just because you don’t believe everything in the bible or enjoy church. You don’t have to be Christian either. Do some meditation, learn about Buddhism is my advice to you. It’s a refreshing way of pondering the meaning of life, and possibly life after death, without actually believing in god/s.

If you don’t fancy buddhism, try hippy groups like druids, pagans, or maybe even find the same sense of community in a hobby like reenactors or whatever. Play with it. Don’t spiral into ‘life has no meaning’ try more for ‘life is a fascinating mystery and no one including all the various church dudes has a clue what it’s all about”

@AliMonkey , thanks. Ironically I used to teach part of a course equivalent to the Alpha Course. Honestly, I can talk the talk amazing. I know my Bible really well. I'm sort of "fluent" in Christianity. I really thought I DID believe. Even a year ago I would have pitied someone who wrote my OP.

@PosterBoy Yes, I have to keep reminding myself that it's not that I'm rejecting God, it's that I no longer think there's anything there to accept or reject in the first place. It's an absolute mindfuck to be honest.

I mean, I don't even know whether to put up my Christmas tree anymore. All my decorations are religious-themed (crosses and the like). Although I was a bad Christian, all of my thoughts were still based on there being a God and an afterlife. It's like I have to rejig my entire brain.

It's almost like I would be happier if I just carried on pretending I believe if you see what I mean. Ironically, even Jesus himself says "the truth will set you free". YES BUT WHAT IS THE TRUTH?! I swear I'm 50/50 on the whole thing. Maybe this IS just the devil. Or maybe I've been kidding myself for 40 years.

Thank "God" (!) I don't drink anymore or I'd be steaming by now.

I wonder if part of all of this is that at the age of 40 I've finally realised there IS no amazing Christian husband out there looking for me, ready to make promises in front of God. @MackenCheese lol at the smug married Christian women, I know what you mean! I never fitted in with the ones in our church - I don't own a single flowery skirt, I don't bake and I definitely don't smile indulgently at children misbehaving in church.

If you are still looking for something, or somewhere to explore your ideas and beliefs (but not dogmatic) I would recommend the Quakers.

Although rooted in Christianity there is no obligation to be a Christian. I'm not, though I a respectful of those who are.

I met quite a few people at our local meeting who felt they were a bit spiritually homeless - some older, who had left their church for various reasons. I always thought that was very brave and honest. Some stayed, some didn't, but it's a safe space to reflect and people were very open to discussing these sorts of things over coffee. I love the silence, and always have new things to absorb from the ministry (which can come from anyone attending).

Just a thought. Good luck on your travels.

You don't need to read books on atheism to be an atheist. You just need to stop going through the motions of subscribing to something you don't actually believe in.

I'm sad though because this means that there really are people/pets who have died who I won't see again.

That was always the case though. You won't feel dad after you die when you don't see them again, because you won't know.

Congratulations, it’s hard but trust me you don’t need it. I left full on evangelical Christianity around 10 years ago after having my children. The reality of having to teach them about original sin, hell and the gruesome sacrifice of Jesus made me realise how awful it all actually is. I am the daughter of a pastor and it was hardest decision I ever had to make but I don’t regret leaving Christianity and the church. I finally felt free to trust and believe in my own autonomy. It’s terrifying but liberating. There are quite a lot of ex Christian podcasts out there that I found really useful.

I'm a witch and pagan and believe in the afterlife and reincarnation too. So yes I expect to see my family and pets. So can you!
Christians didn't invent or own the afterlife, the same with Christmas; celebrate Saturnalia the pagan holiday that celebrates a golden age of peace and the birth of the sun, the winter solstice ( this was on December 25th. until Pope Gregory changed the calendar, now the solstice is December 21)
Christians just took it over...

However, perhaps you could try living 'as if'? Even if you no longer believe, lots of the teachings of Christianity point toward ways of living a moral life. Judge not, that ye be not judged. Do the good things, even without the expectation of a heavenly reward.

I'm an ex Catholic, and would probably identify as Pagan/Quaker.

There are Quakers who don't believe in god in the traditional sense or even at all.

Quakers have a good moral compass (to my mind), supporting peace and reconciliation, and have a strong history in equality before it was ever fashionable.

Not wanting to steer you @DustSalad but when I went to meeting I felt like something clicked. I loved the spiritual side of Catholicism (I think Mary represented the goddess to me as a child though didn't have the words then), but despised so many of the things the Catholic Church has done - and covered up - and misogyny. As a teen I began to see, and disagree with ideas like original sin, and later the abuse that came to light etc etc.

But having access to a church as a child (where I could go alone and light a candle) was quite precious and beautiful. It opened a door, but perhaps an unintended one : ) I'm still exploring and I think that's a good thing.

'Be open to new light wherever it may come from.'

Anyway, just my tuppence worth. I think what you're doing may feel scary (total mental reconfiguration) but it is liberating. It's good to be curious. Sometimes we need to break free of old, outworn beliefs and ways in order to make space for something else. Our relationship with our faith (or beliefs whatever they are) is rarely static through life.

I went from christian to pagan at 38 after being treated very badly by my church for the crime of being a single mum.
I'm much happier now and have lots of non judgemental friends who couldn't care less if I am a single mum.

I'm a Christian and a scientist, I recently came back to my faith after many years basically doing my own thing and maybe thinking God couldn't help me with the big questions in my life. I was so wrong! By trying to go my own way and solve problems myself, lots of things went wrong, but I realise that I have learned so much on the way, and I can now bring that to my faith.

I think you need to talk to God about how you feel, all of it, trite as that may sound, because I am getting the feeling that although you know the 'facts' from the Bible you haven't got the 'heart' of its message, the deep love God has for us. I am so happy to have reconnected with that and know that the Holy Spirit is with me no matter what. I have learned I must bring all my worries and concerns to God, he wants that close connection to his children.

I did a short theology course online and that helped to iron out a few wrinkles and doubts for me, and clarified some of the points where I'd been misunderstanding things. I also listen to David Diga Hernandez on YouTube who often preaches about the Holy Spirit and his role in our lives. It's the Holy Spirit who teaches us.

OP I do hope you can find your way back to your faith.