I'm no longer a Christian at age 40. So what now?

[DustSalad]

Hey

I became a Christian when I was very young - accepted Jesus in the special prayer when I was about 8 or something. My dad was agnostic but my mum was a strong believer (she converted after we were born). I wasn't forced into it or anything. I suppose I just believed what my mum told me. I suspect I would have laughed at Christians otherwise as I was quite into science.

But I was never a very good Christian especially when I became a teenager. I didn't enjoy going to church much despite trying, sometimes very hard, and even going on Christian holidays and reading Christian literature. At other times I slept around and drank a lot. My default setting is to swear and be cynical and generally not even like other people that much, never mind want to be kind and loving to everyone!

So at age 40 I just don't know what I believe anymore. I do believe there are contradictions in the Bible. I actually find the Jesus character really irritating - he never just answers a question, it's always a bloody riddle with him!

And yes I can absolutely see how organised religion is all about controlling women and making money. But that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't still a God...?

I feel a bit down now though. I haven't told anyone how I feel. A lot of my friends are from church. I even still say the same sort of things I always have eg I wrote about God in a condolence card to someone today from church.

What do I do now? Read books on athiesm? Who do I talk to? My church minister or my local athiest?!

Thanks

I would suggest that you stop attending church. It's a common misconception that not going to church makes you a bad Christian. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus tells us that if two or more gather in his name, he is there with us.

I read my Bible a lot, and study with my wife. I follow the word of Christ (however unlike yourself 😂I LOVE the parables in the New Testament, as I find them easy to digest as it really breaks down Christ's commandments). We can't all be happy & smiley and love everyone all of the time and abstain from fornication and the like... that's why Jesus died and suffered for us! Ultimately to receive his salvation, the only two requirements are that we believe he is the messiah and that we truly repent.

@Gagagardener see i sort of feel the opposite now. Like I was trying to be nice to people because it was the right thing to do, turn the other cheek and the like. But now I CAN be mean to people who deserve it imho. My tendency these days is to avoid people as much as possible and only bother with my family, close friends and my animals.

I'm reading everyone's ideas by the way and taking them on board. i'm really grateful to have all these different and intelligent ideas that you are all giving me.

With reference to pp turning away from religion because of the problems of ORGANISED religion (paedophilia or how they treat single mothers or whatever...)

See isn't that potentially throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Just because the organised church has its faults, that doesn't mean God doesn't still exist and is as horrified as anyone else at his church's behaviour? I mean ALL institutions/groups have their failings.

Thought you might be interested in the Jonathan Edwards interview from when he had a similar change of outlook... If you don't want to click on the link directly, search for "Jonathan Edwards" agnostic "the times"

https://archive.ph/VV29R

OP I reckon God still holds you even though you aren't in that place.

Re drink/drugs/sex etc. This is a risky metaphor depending on your upbringing but I have nothing else as a lay-person in my basket.... if you took all of your worst stuff and told your dad, he's not going to reject you. Even stuff that you keep doing. He might feel sad. But he's going to hug you close.

@CrunchyCarrot yes I've actually yelled out at God that I fucking hate him! (I once read that it's fine to be honest with God, it's respectful in a weird way because at least you are being honest with him) So I'm just a more potty-mouthed version of the Psalmist.

I mean what if I had a child who was ill/died/murdered or whatever. I'm still just supposed to go "oh well, it's part of God's mysterious ways". Why was God's need for us to have free will (because he didn't want robots worshipping him, only wants a relationship with those who choose it with him) which then allowed sin to enter the world, more important than all the suffering though the years.

What do I do now? Read books on athiesm? Who do I talk to? My church minister or my local athiest?!

This made me smile.

That’s the thing about not believing, it’s not an active state of being. I guess it’s the opposite. There’s no need to jump from being an active Christian to being an active non-believer, you can just… be.

Just take some time out to just be yourself, and experiment with what life is actually like when you aren’t forcing yourself to fake being a good Christian. That doesn’t mean you have to morph into a horrible person 😅 But maybe try sitting with these feelings like you can’t be arsed with people (I know that feeling too well) and generally being a flawed human with mean thoughts, as we all have sometimes.

PS. I have went to church twice on a Sunday for 20 ish years then pretty much never again for the next 30. I also dislike most people and def ALL organised activities. There's a place for you in all of it.

It's fine to yell at God, he wants an honest relationship with us, as you say, and it's pointless keeping things bottled up.

That's a tough one Dust Salad, but believe that God feels and understands your pain and those are fair questions, ones many of us have struggled with at one point or another. I recently realised that whatever suffering we have in this lifetime, it's so, so short compared to the eternal life we will gain, when all suffering will cease, sin will disappear, and we will live in harmony with our Creator and the world, which will be restored.

See @DustSalad unlike PP, i think you have a connection with God because you sound disconcerted and sad and that wouldn't be the case if it had only been a religion for you. I know I had an active faith for a very long time but then my safe house became my mad house. I left 13 years ago. I actually needed therapy for 2 years to get over the grief. We lost all our friends and had to start over. On a heart level I'm still connected somehow but my brain tells me that if God is worth their salt, we will pick up again on the other side. For now, I'm taking responsibility for myself and refusing to be an emotional hostage to anyone or anything. It is a mind fuck, especially when you start to say it out loud. But you have to live authentically because it will take its toll if you don't and fabricating faith is hard! Oh, and you will always be fluent in Christianese!

I agree. God could still exist and be horrified at what is done in 'his' name.

However, I couldn't align myself to a church that covered up these things and caused such huge spiritual and mental damage (mother and baby homes in Ireland etc).

I'd love to chat to my dear gran, who felt her religion sincerely to the end, she said 'Don't be sad I'm going home to my god'. She had a very pure belief, and attended mass etc (though was scathing of the church exploiting poor people for money) but I'd love to know whether she'd ever had any doubts or spiritual droughts. Even very 'devout' people have their times where they might feel cut off or at odds with their faith, or god - Mother Teresa is one example.

There was a great quote I can't remember who said it but it was along the lines of the best of all faith has doubt and the best of all doubt has faith.

Having a very rigid view can often blind you from many other wonderful perspectives and people and their wisdom. As Rumi said 'out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing,there is a field. I'll meet you there'

As much as we want to have a mental 'place' to park our spirit/soul, there is so much we don't know, can't know.

Another remembered quote - 'before birth is a mystery, after death is a mystery but what a marvellous country in between!'

The suffering/free will question is one that has bothered many people.

How could an all powerful, all knowing god allow it?

I don't have the answer, and many better minds than mine don't either.

I just have to do what little good I can with what I have.

Breathe and look around you at the beauties, ugliness and strangeness of people and the world?

Listen to music, read poetry, novels and science? Perhaps for a while music and poetry that aren't religious, or where religious characters are just part of the scenery.

Get in touch with friends and family members, religious or not? Connect? Plant something?

I dont shout or get angry with God because I'm no longer a believer. Find new ways of thinking about the world. But not conspiracy theories; don't replace one unhelpful framework with another.

In the spirit of brutal honesty, I'll tell you another thing - I find a lot of Christians very irritating.

Some of them are, let me be polite, "simple-minded" - entirely lacking in intelligence or critical thinking.

Others are just very bland, very boring - the aforementioned flowery skirt wearing, cake-bakers (6 home-schooled kids for the serious ones). They would die on the spot if I made an off-colour joke.

Others of them I think are only in church because no-one else would have them - they are borderline insane/weirdos, especially some of the men. I mean genuinely pathological as opposed to just rocking their individuality. The sort you would pull your child away from in the street but because it's in church it's ok.

I actually find it hard to find any Christians on my wavelength (and I have tried a few different churches).

I know, I know, I sound like a raging, judgemental snob. I've been keeping a lid on my feelings all these years and now it's all spilling out!!

Hi again, actually you don't sound raging. This is what you think, and I happen to agree. Simple-mindedness maybe, and I see an over representation of the neurodiverse and neurotic (men and women) ,or what we used to call weird people back in the day. Sorry to offend (I also live with neurodiversity at home) I completely understand, and struggling with it too. I haven't flounced off in a huff,but when my friend goes: are you coming to church tomorrow? I go: nah!

Yes this is so true! Only at church are you supposed to force yourself to be friends with people who you don’t like or find hard work! I grew up in churches like this. In a lot of ways I know that it’s good to accept everyone and be skilled at getting on with people, but it’s not really genuine or natural. It turned me into a people pleasing dormant who didn’t understand it’s ok to know your own mind and make your own choices.

Ah OP, this made me laugh. I was born and raised in church (my dad was the minister) but until I 'got' it for myself (and not just riding on my parents' faith), I too could have written this. The only thing that's kept me going is a proper heartfelt connection to Jesus. Churches and the flowery skirt brigade have let me down repeatedly but I've never been able to shake the solid confidence that God is real, he likes me and he wants a relationship with me.

Maybe it's time for a new church? Or finding some authentic Christian's who aren't irritating and crushingly boring? I know lots and there's also loads of good music, books, teachers out there who are the real deal. I'm training to be a minister and I hope that if I ever lead a church, that'll it be the sort of place where people can be themselves in the presence of God.

@ButtonsForEyes would you be able to recommend some specific podcasts? I'd be interested to listen.

OP, I have a bit of a different story to you. I was a devout Christian as a child and teenager and decided I no longer believed when I was 19. I am a pastor's daughter and was very involved in the church. And it was so difficult when I left - I felt completely lost. It is hard when you're so invested in something. It contributed to years of depression for me, though I think that had been brewing for a while. I also found that many people didn't understand the significance for me (similar to many of the responses you've got hear - just saying celebrate or whatever).

It might be hard for a while, but that's OK. It might be worth trying some counselling to help you unpick it all, and reading some of the books about people's experiences that are recommended here - I don't have any recommendations unfortunately- I threw myself into alcohol and casual sex (sounds fun but really wasn't). Also maybe try to find a new hobby, not to replace Christianity, but just to bring some fun into your life during a potentially difficult time.

When I experienced a bereavement a few years ago I went back to the church briefly and it helped me a lot. Similar to others though I found 2 very Liberal and accepting churches. One was CofE (I found it through a secular LGBT organisation, even if you're not LGBT it might be a way of finding something). The other was Unitarian - the minister used literature from all religions and atheists and agnostics. Similar to Quakers I think (though I've no experience of them) it's a very open place.

Be kind to yourself.

I prefer to see God as a nurturing wise Mother. Never telling us what to do or giving commands but gently guiding us through life and being there in our toughest times.

OP, I really think you just need to find a better church! Of course churches have all sorts of people in them, as they accept everyone, but I find that really refreshing, as it means I mix with a whole range of people with different backgrounds, jobs, ages, etc - whereas otherwise I'd probably be mainly surrounded by middle-aged middle-class professionals. Don't get me wrong, there's lots of those in my church too, and there's a few weirdos, but not a lot of flowery-skirt-wearing home-educating cake-bakers (in fact I can only think of one, in a church of hundreds). Having said that, there's plenty of little girls in flowery skirts, and cake definitely features in many of our church activities!

Hopefully a better church will help you to find your way and build a proper relationship with God. You may also find freedom in being somewhere that you're not known, as you may find it easier to admit you're struggling. On the other hand, you should also be able to share your struggles with Christian friends - we've all had doubts at times - and ask them to pray with you?

If you were brave enough to let us know where you live, perhaps we could recommend some churches to try?

What do you do now? Whatever you want! There's no need to read any books or join any groups, unless you want to. Just live your life as you see fit.

OP says she's not a Christian anymore so why does she need to find a new church?

Hi OP,

I laughed at your honesty there. I was a Catholic until I was 50 and then I stopped believing. There was so much I didn’t believe in over the years anyway, and I actively campaigned for things that the Church forbade like abortion, divorce, gay marriage. But I sort of accepted that I could change it from within and make it more like me 🙄. I even ran the youth mass and was on the baptism team. But then, during Covid I lost it all. None of my children believe and we are all negotiating a new life as atheists and being happy as people.

You can still find communities that you can be part of. And you can look from the outside at all religions and just wonder how do so many people accept things without question. I tell myself that it was so hard because I grew up in a theist state, Ireland in the 1970’s and 1980’s only allowed one form of thought, Catholic thought. And still my spirit managed to rebel and I managed to argue for abortion rights even when it was not acceptable at all.

I also know of so many mentally unwell men who used religion as a means to abuse their wives and children and it saddens me that this is still the case, in many many religions from small born again Christian churches to other religions.

Enjoy the freedom, start a hobby in your old church time, like hiking or running or reading. I don’t miss it all all. And I still celebrate Christmas as a cultural part of my heritage.

Because church's aren't just for Christians, they are for people searching for a faith as well, or even just curious and wanting to find out a little more.

And anyway, although OP says in title "I'm no longer a Christian", it's clear that she's still not sure, eg "I just don't know what I believe anymore" rather than "I don't believe any more", and it seems to me that it's her church she's turned against rather than God. And obviously as I'm a Christian I'd prefer her to give it another try rather than walk away. It's like saying "I don't like pubs, because I've been going to the Red Lion for years and I now realise I don't like the people there", instead of just trying a different pub.

But I think it's more than possible to realise that the reason you don't like pubs is that they are glorified alcohol delivery centres full of functional alcoholics* - that it's not just this pub or this group of people, but a fundamental spiritual and cultural issue that is no longer reasonable.

I have done a fair bit of church and synagogue searching in my more religious periods. High Anglican, low Anglican, Forward in Faith, evangelical, fundamentalist (speaking in tongues etc), Roman Catholic in this country and elsewhere, Methodist, Quaker, Reform Judaism, Liberal Judaism, Masorti. Plus I've visited a mosque and a temple. For years. And almost inevitably I've realised that the common factor is not God but humanity. Religion is just something that humans do.