Anyone feel like they've joined a cult - Christian perspective please

[Sweetladyjane]

This might be a rambly so I apologise in advance for this.

I recently left the evangelical church where I became a Christian after falling out with the pastors after they told me I needed to rely on God more than the Dr's for my bipolar. It wasn't a friendly leaving and I still have a lot of resentment about feeling pushed out.

I joined a CofE church where it seems the teaching is very authority driven and although they talk a lot about building a relationship with Jesus they are also very anti women leaders and take a strong line on LGBTQ+ which doesn't align with my beliefs.

This coupled with having a non-Christian boyfriend (he's an atheist) I'm feeling pushed out again. I work for a Christian charity and one of my colleagues is a fundamentalist and uses every opportunity we're alone in the office to preach at me. He even went so far as to send me scripture quotes just before I went away with my boyfriend for the weekend so he could meet my parents.

I'm feeling very confused about where I fit in at church - or even if I do and a little like I've been brain washed.

It's further complicated by the fact that I work for a Christian charity and am also a Street Pastor and volunteer in the college chaplaincy so I would have to stop the street pastors and chaplaincy work if I wasn't a member of a church and I love both of these activities and feeling a calling to help people and I'm not sure if I could find other voluntary work in the secular world.

I guess I'm looking for direction on where to go with these feelings and how to make a decision on if I leave church and go it alone.

Thank you for reading and any advice gratefully received!

I think you’d enjoy the Nomad podcasts.

Nomad

OP hasn't been in any mainstream churches. She was in an evangelical church then what sounds like a CofE evangelical church.

You will get bigotry and narrow-mindedness in every church @Sweetladyjane but in my experience it's much more common at the evangelical end of the spectrum.

What do you actually believe? Hard you hard into biblical literalism, predestination and salvation by Faith Alone? In that case you might (as PP suggests) have to accept that a lot of your fellow travellers don't like women and homosexuals and you will have to try a lot of places out before finding the right fit.

If you are more traditional then Catholic, Methodist and middle to high CofE should suit you.

Slso- the next time someone hectors you about religion at work, lodge a grievance. There is no excuse for that.

You might like to try out a Quaker or Unitarian congregation.

Both tend to be progressive and quite focused on good works.

Christ said not a word about homosexuality or sex outside marriage (other than adultery). He affirmed traditional marriage, and spoke against sexual immorality, but assuming that means he thought homosexuality was wrong is a leap - given he had many criticisms of society at the time, it cannot be assumed he went along with (at the time) traditional views of homosexuality and pre-marital sex. He was noticeably inclusive though.. 🤔 wasn’t he?

It's poor translation in the Bible anyway. It didn't refer to homosexuality, but paedophilia .

Quite a few translators and their patrons of the last 1000 years have a lot to answer for tbh

THE church?

Which one? I presume you mean THE church is your local village?

Because you can't possibly call the whole of Christianity with its hundreds of variants, differing doctrine, varying spiritual emphases, billions of worshipers across 6 continents "THE church". 😂

I really like Edwardandtubbs's answer.

My understanding of Christianity is that "love your neighbour as your love yourself" is the only commandment. If people are being mean to you, or about other people, then they have missed the point a bit.

It might be worth reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S Lewis. It is an amazing book about how people in churches can totally drive one another up the wall. It always helps me when I am struggling with conflict.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.

I’m a cultural Christian rather than a believer but have always felt very welcome at cofe parish churches. Our church has a small, largely elderly congregation. Gathering as a community is the focus - the Christianity is’ light touch’. We have standard services, nice hymns, a sermon on an aspect of life based on a bible reading, but generally rules for life rather than hell fire and brimstone. We have coffee afterwards but I’ve never heard anyone discussing religion, it’s more of a sociable catch up. Very welcoming to anyone new, especially young people! No one would care what religion / sexuality etc people were at all. If an Islamic person came to church people would be just as kind. The only think that wouldn’t go down well would be rudeness! Because the average age is old the congregation is comprised of very nice, kind people with life experience - they mostly want to talk about their grandchildren! I think you need to find a village church.

I wonder if you might find attending Society of Friends (Quaker) meetings positive. Just based on my lifelong best friend who is a Quaker and my experience of attending meetings with her. It is spiritually intense but very open and inclusive with equality built into it from its origin. Also a strong focus on social action and peace work.

I had similar experiences with this in CofE and Methodist churches. I joined a Pentecostal church and haven't looked back. Pastors encourage us to have our own beliefs, not just be part of a hivemind, LGBT members are very much accepted and loved members of church etc etc.

If OP just wants to join a club with rituals she could also consider Islam or Rastafarianism. Presumably since OP is Christian none of these options would suit.

I hope you find somewhere you feel comfortable, OP. I’m pretty sure most congregations would be thrilled to have you. I work with a lot of CofE churches. The majority avoid teaching on LGB issues, as their congregation and indeed leadership hold a variety of positions. There is no single stance.

There was a course recently called ‘living in love and faith’ that churches were encouraged to run. It explores the different understandings of LGB matters without coming to conclusions. That’s where the cofe is right now.

If I were you I’d shop around- ask your colleagues where they go and avoid that one unless you get on really well!
Look for ones with female vicars- that will answer one question! In my church we’ve had 5 in 20 years, only one male.

😆 at the poster saying that OP’s views on women, LGBT and sexual relationships are the problem and ‘not biblical’.

So you: attend church, are a member; your paid job is in a charity funded by a religion; and volunteer for the church in a role involving espousing its teachings etc.

That is a lot! It is bound to be difficult if people around you so many hours of the week espouse views you disagree with.
it’s also inconsistent to disagree with them and take an active role in the voluntary positions where you’re representing that specific church - ‘cognitive dissonance’.

You mention fearing not finding alternative voluntary work: that seems illogical. There are loads of volunteering opportunities available.

Most employers - including those funded by religious organisations - would discipline a team member for making negative comments about a colleague’s personal life and sharing ‘pointed’ reading materials and ‘Preaching’. It’s bullying.

Suggest dropping the volunteering and seeking to address your colleague’s behaviour with their manager or, if your employer won’t deal with it appropriately, seeking a new job.

I'm a Humanist but know a few Quakers. You might feel comfortable with them, they seem to be very welcoming and accepting of everyone.

No good if you like singing hymns though, of course.

Quakers and Unitarians are Christians though.

I am not religious.

some Church of Scotland churches are much more progressive. My local one where I grew up is much more forward thinking.

I appreciate this isn’t helpful to you but for me, I find it strange that the churches in England seem much further behind when the more mainstream churches in Scotland are further ahead. (There are definitely many other types of churches in Scotland with hugely aggressive attitudes).

I was surprised by some of the comments from previous posters. why do we need to take such a literal interpretation of the Bible? Surely any modern civilised society that wants to retain a relevant church needs to understand that the vast majority of people want an inclusive church, which means, including those who are homosexual?

I'm training to be a minister and if anyone in our church advised someone to not take meds, they'd be the ones we'd be falling out with. Such nonsense! I'm really sorry you had to experience that.

It sounds as though you haven't yet found the right church so I'd encourage you to keep looking. As others have suggested, look on the church finding section of websites for denominations like New Wine, Assemblies of God, Elim, the Evangelical Alliance, HTB etc.

In my view a true evangelical church will be clear on what the Bible teaches on some of the issues you mention but it will still absolutely be welcome and open to everyone. We're all broken and imperfect people and church should be a place where we can worship, get good teaching, make friends, serve and just feel part of a community.

Good churches are out there so maybe consider visiting some more. In my church-searching over the years, it really was like buying a house. Sometimes you just walk in and feel at home! The church I serve with now is small, a little old fashioned around the edges but so many lovely, loving people. We're a real community who love Jesus but also genuinely care for each other too. I hope you're able to find a church home soon.

I am Christian and would describe myself as ‘liberal’ and would not tolerate anti LGBT sentiment or silly things like advising against doctors for bi polar meds. I also would not get involved with the hardline evangelical churches…I am a Catholic, maybe sounds extreme but I would try local Catholic Churches? The ones I have been to (dependant on the priest) have been very welcoming, rational, very un cult like and I can genuinely say I have met all sorts of people who’ve been welcomed in along my journey - single parents, divorcees etc. of course you will get a few conservative priests who will take a hardline on some things. But the vast majority are lovely, very welcoming and non judgemental. I really feel I’ve found a home there and it seems to me the closest church (although maybe best of a bad bunch) to the actual teaching of Jesus as they were meant to be interpreted - ie loving everyone. Give a few local priests a call and explain, I bet you will be pleasantly surprised.

Oh, as for your work situation, I know it sounds really simplistic but have you asked him (firmly) to stop? Just something along the lines of, 'this is making me feel uncomfortable and I would like you to stop'. If he persists you can make a complaint.

I've worked for Christian organisations too and they take a dim view of any kind of harassment. You have a right to do your job in a peaceful environment without anyone haranguing you.

Btw I’m the same, my DH is non Catholic and many others at church go on their own, no-one bats an eyelid.

I am so sorry you are not feeling comfortable in church. I only recently found the perfect fit for me. A lovely traditional CofE church with a lovely lady curate, where we are all welcome, all precious to God ‘just as we are’ as she says, and all able to take in as much or little as we want. Don’t lose hope.

I would suggest a quaker meeting. Its very different to evangelical church . No singing, just quiet time with your self and Jesus/ spirt/ god. Even if its not where you feel your long term spiritual home is, it might be a nice place to still get support from a congregation while you think. Although no communion and no rituals if those are important to you. Just be prepared for your first meeting to be a bit odd! ( everyone sitting in a circle for an hour ) . The more you go the more it makes sense. And not like a cult at all. Quakers always try and be respectful of different views and open to spirt in many forms ( in my limited experience anyway)

I'm a roman Catholic and married an atheist in our local church , with our son. The priest had no issues , he has also christened the children of same sex couples as well. It's clear you need to find something a little less hard-core.

Because being a Christian means different things to different people. For example, you might have a hell and broom stone version of homosexuality is wrong, so is abortion etc and their faith trumps any reasonable discussion.

Like any relationship you often get toxicity particularly when people have serious views and want you to have the same ones.

I can’t tell you the number of sermons I have walked out of when the sermon is given usually by some upstanding local man who is a senior leader eg GP or teacher or even an ofsted inspector that abortion is wrong under any circumstances etc I can’t fathom how this people are loving and empathetic and neutral when a 14 year old who has been sexually acted comes in - when I’ve heard them preach the line of totally wrong.

A lot of churches want to grow numbers, numbers means more money and churches are businesses with running costs. Salaries need to be paid.

Also some churches want to control you, believing that their line to God is better than yours etc

People spout on listen to the word of God - but the bible is a load of books put together and translated by men with their interpretations and other books missing.

Traditionally churches controlled people - the local religious leader made all the decisions a bit like a local sheriff.

Too often bad action eg affairs are blamed on satan and people not having responsibility.

Being a Christian doesn’t stop you having your own views or questioning what right or wrong. Try many until you get one that fits you and don’t be afraid to walk away. You should not come out after a service after an hour feeling awful etc I’m now not afraid to go - nope I don’t believe that.

For me homosexuality, abortion, divorce, evolution and accepting and understanding other religions are not wrong and women are totally equal - end of. But I have studied and have my own views. I also understand churches are a huge group of people and in all walks of life take any 100 random people and some people I will agree with, some are fake, some have extreme views etc

For me:read, pray and find somewhere where you are happy. For me this is congregation churches where everyone is equal - usually. I normally try about 5-10 when I move area and normally end up asking a friend who is a Christian and with similar views to me where they go and their experiences. Your faith is yours. Someone else’s truth might not be yours and they are not more right than you. Also when people say ‘this is true, this is what God said’ it might not be.