Any Witches Here? Part 16

[speakout]

Or Wiccans. or Pagans? Or anyone who is interested in a magical path or feels some magical stirrings.

A place for support, learning, swapping ideas and magical inspiration.

Woolyminded

Glad you have popped in again, lovely to see you. I was just ruminating over buying a new duvet today when your post popped up. I was looking at weighted blankets in Aldi yesterday, I had read they aid sleep, and I was tempted instore- they looked cosy, two different weights depending on your own body weight- and shades of grey.
So helpful that you posted. I have ordered one online from ALDI just now. Hopefully it will help.
I am working today, but have time for a yoga class at lunchtime and some saining/smudging.
My mother has a meeting at the church today, there is a concern in many churches - that numbers are drwindling. The Presbetyrian church in scotland has announce 50% of ministers will be sacked and churches sold. We had 11 or 12 churches in our area now there are 4, and mostly elderly congregation.
So the meeting has been called to discuss the emergency of people leaving god's holy ways in droves.
Giving me time to weave some magic.

It is interesting that they are making a judgement call now when the pandemic is not over and a lot of people still don't feel it is safe to be in a church. the 2 religious ones here refuse to step foot in a church atm for safety concerns wrt to their health vs covid. I guess they have to balance the books and this is the driving factor but will be interesting if they need to "rehire" down the line when the pandemic is over.

Glad you get some time to yourself to weave your magic Speakout

Anyone got any tips to weave some magic into the task of sorting and filing paperwork. I have probably about 8 boxes of the stuff to deal with today. And honestly i really don't want to.

Blue sky here, it is looking like a lovely day.

@speakout and @Woolyminded I vouch for the weighted blanket! I had chronic insomnia that lasted for over 4 years, I was surviving on 3 hours of broken sleep a night. I felt like my soul was broken.

I tried lavender, milky drinks, amethyst under the pillow, warm baths and finally, sleeping tablets. Nothing helped, until I got my weighted blanket. Immediately, I started getting 6 hours of sleep a night. My husband hates it, so it's on my side of the bed only.

HillsBesideTheSea I think you are right, these are fiscal decisions- but no bums on seats then no income- numbers have been falling for decades, and recruiting young people is getting harder. In the past people were more accepting of dogma, of set and brittle rules. They- and we have the internet, have exposure to ideas and new ways of thinking.
Part of The Great Turning.
Maybe Revelations has it right- although it is predicting the end of the church, not the world.
The decline of the church is symbolised for me in this song- very popular, but I love it.

I have some paperwork to do to, but as well as being an unpleasant chore it will be arousing some really upsetting emotions for me, it will be a roller coaster, with tears and upset- but has to be done.

I am having one of those days where even people walking around and breathing is really really pissing me off. This pandemic needs to sod off so people can leave the house occassionally! we'll ignore the fact that one person's work place has gone permenant work from home and stopped renting their office space, and the fact that one person should actually be in school but looks like death, and the third one is actually helping me get some stuff done. But still there is nothing better than having an empty still house for a little while when it is normally always a bustingly noisy chaotic place.

My flippant response to dealing with paperwork is - ceremonial fire!! But of course the reality is that life now so often demands admin that cannot be dodged.

I collected new glasses today. Varifocals. Ostensibly for driving and crafting in front of the TV but have been told to wear them full time for the next couple of weeks to adjust. I hate them. I am hoping the adjustment is quick....

queenrollo
I hope the varifocals work for you.
I got them two years ago, persevered for a couple of weeks and just couldn't get along with them. I went back to singe vision glasses.
The following year my optician suggested persevering, wearing them only for a few hours a day- it did take me a few months, but I finally got used to them and find things a lot easier not than with single vision glasses. I am very short sighted, and if I need to see anything tiny my best close vision is still with no specs but very close to my eyes.
I find varifocals helpful when supermarket shopping, I can see distance and also read fine print on labels.
It took my OH a long time to get used to them, and again he doesn't find them perfect either, but better than singe vision lenses.
For me the key was breaking them in gradually, wearing them for only a few hours a day- it's a bran adjustment, not an eye adjustment!
I didn't get round to my cleansing ceremony today, events overtook me, I ended up having to make phone calls, pick up documents and generally run around doing mundane stuff.
I did have a good yoga class though, and feel a lot lighter than I have of late.
HillsBesideTheSea I symapathise, my idea of bliss is a few days at home totally alone- as much as I love my family!

The boxes i am dealing with are ones created and hidden from me by the hoarders of the house. We have reformed their hoarding habits predominantly. So things are coming out of the wood work to be sorted which is good in the long run. But they are a walk through the destruction of my life in order to give ds the best chance. I have been looking for a diagnosis report for him that he currently needs. He has just expressed strong opinions that i don't care about his welfare, and that I am focusing on the wrong thing.

I am emotionally raw and wanting to walk out for some space. But my life is currently in tatters again because I have been putting other people's welfare first and it is not an option to not let it fall to tatters. I am in the middle of dealing with a mess for ds that he really does need my involvement in and really does affect his welfare it is just not the issue he want priority on which also means it is not an option.

And i will not be finished this task today. I am tried of having my life destroyed for the benefit of others it is not a choice, it is an essential priority no choice kinda of situations I am tired of being wrong for doing what is needed rather than what I want, when i have to live with the consequences. I am tired. And i just want the opportunity to focus on me and fix my mess.

Some weeks are rough. This is one of them. it will get better when I no longer have all this past lingering over my head. And what does not need to be kept will be burnt. But right now, in the middle of it all, its tough.

HillsBesideTheSea

Sounds like a scenario I can relate to. Watching people we love in hard situations and not being able to fix things.
Sounds like your DS will benefit from your input, but that can't be done at the expense of your own desctruction.
You don't have to support every moment of every day, so take that time to fill your own cup.
Helping others who strugggle to help themselves is best done from a position of your own strength. Primarily for your own sake because your life is valuable, but caring for yourself means ultimately you can be of better support to others. be that rock when loved ones are struggling is the most caring and loving thing you can do.
But that means putting your own welfare at the top of the list.
You can choose to have your "life destroyed for the benefit of others", but that is not actually benefiting them, nor you.
We can't always put things right for other people, we donlt always have that control- but we do have control over our responses and actions. It is a work in progress for me, but having that shift in thinking has helped me a lot.
My circustances haven;t changed a great deal, but my abikity to deal with them have. Take all the help you can from outside sources, and we are always here too. X

Hills sending you lots of love and nurturing energy, as I recognise being in a position that you cannot walk away from. In some ways I live with that daily, on a very low level but occasionally it grows into a problem that needs dealt with. When our children are the focus of that it is utterly binding.

I can't choose Speakout there is no choice. It is a do what has to be done situation. No if's no buts no choice. Do or do not. And do not is not an option I will ever choose because the guilt of the consequence if i don't would destroy me more than the doing currently has.

Ds is not dead. Every ounce of destruction is worth that much.

HillsBesideTheSea I am sorry for your distress, truly. And I probably have more personal experience in a similar situation than you realise.
But your life is still worth a great deal.

@HillsBesideTheSea I can feel all your emotions, you are in such turmoil. I can't say I'm understand what you are you going through, I am sorry that this is happening to you. We can try and support you by listening on here.

Hills I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, you sound like you've totally reached the end of your tether. Struggling to support our DC is the hardest job in the world because our energy is so closely intertwined with theirs. As mothers, we feel their emotions, their sadness, their joy, their pain, in our own bodies. This is something I've known since having children, but I actually read something today explaining the science behind it, I'll try and find it to share with you.

Can I ask how old your son is? Obviously I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I've been through a lot with my DS1, so I can empathise. I agree with Speakout that there's only so much you can do to support, there comes a point when you have to allow your DC to walk their own path, and just be there to catch them when they fall. Sending you lots of love and solidarity and hope things will feel calmer tomorrow.

Speakout do let me know how you get on with the weighted blanket. I've heard good things about them so I hope it helps. I hope you've warmed up a bit, is it just that it's very cold where you live at the moment, or do you think your body is reacting to how stressed/ tired you are? I always seem to feel cold when I'm tried. Like you, I've been having lots of odd dreams, situations and people from the past emerging, I was reminded today that Mercury has just moved into retrograde, so I wonder if this has been affecting us?

Queenrollo I hope the varifocals work for you. I hate wearing glasses so once been trialling verifiocal contact lenses. They're brilliant for out and about, but no good close up and they make me feel a bit disorientated indoors. Maybe the prescription needs tweaking, I should really make time to go back to the opticians.

17. The boxes i am dealing with have over 10years of struggle. And having to re-live it so to speak in the middle of the current crisis has probably pushed me over and edge. I had no idea of the contents of these boxes. I didn't create the boxes. I thought i have sorted and filed the stuff from that time. So it has been a complete side swipe on an already raw day. Especially as i have my own battles i dont have energy for.

VioletCharlotte yes I have warmed up a bit. A good yoga session with a teacher I have known for 15 years or so, not part of my regular schedule but always a pleasure to have a class with her.
I do get cold when am anxious or stressed, so feels natural to want to buffle up and drink warm tea.
I do feel today has lessened my difficult week overall, I am feeling more relaxed than I have done in a while.
I remember reading years ago the adage that mothers can only be as happy as their saddest child. I have come to realise this is not only untrue but can be damaging. Unhappy children ( and I am talking aldolescents or older) often live with a burden of guilt, and seeig parents despair adds to their burden.
A good article here was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me- realising that my joy is still something that needs attention, despite how much someone I love may be in pain.
“you’re only as happy as your saddest child” is hogwash!

www.thechaosandtheclutter.com/archives/parenting-myth-youre-only-as-happy-as-your-saddest-child

Hills Please don't spend your time raking through years of negative emotions.
Diagnostic reports will be on file with whoever did them. If it was NHS, then it should be easy to obtain a copy.
Ditto private especially if you can remember the Consultant's name, the NHS don't usually add private reports to someone's GP records.

Your DS will have two NHS sets of medical records, GP medical records and hospital medical records.

He will have to request them, (you can complete all the forms and obtain them if he is under 16. If he's older, do what you can with the request and get him to sign or grunt on the phone that he understands what you're doing as his appointee. ) usually there are details on your GP and hospital websites for obtaining them.

Some let you make an appt and you can have copies there and then, do check.

Nowadays they are free because of GDPR, when I needed DD's I had to pay about £80 to GP and again to hospital.

I echo speakout's wise words, you're doing yourself no favours getting so emotionally fraught.
Right now, all you need is the correct diagnostic report, it's only a small pile of papers.
Then emotion contained in what's written there has already been gone through at the time. Hard as they are to read because they only focus on deficits and not the whole person, try and think that you're presenting this evidence about a stranger who needs written evidence to be able to be seen to have difficulty in certain areas.

Detachment from the emotions surrounding things like this can help you to cope. It's not easy, but it is possible.

If you have ever dealt with CAMHS then you know that it only stands for "can't actually make hell stop". My experience is that it will be impossible to get replacement reports (especially in the timescale needed (ie yesterday)) and these boxes need dealing with at some point. And it is something productive i can get done, and i think need to get done. And these boxes have been weights on my shoulders for as long as i have found out about them. Until I clear them they will continue to be. I have to clear the past to move forwards. And I need it more for me then him.

Ds is calmer and have deep cleaned his bedroom. We have appointments with medical peeps tomo. He is safe. There's a hole in the wall he will be fixing and making good.

And then tomorrow (and possible a couple of nights) there will be a very very big bonfire and a getting rid of that weight of things that can be let go of. And hopefully then I really can start to put the past behind.

And when i can, there will be a trip away for just me. Because i am tired of being the responsible grown up for 3 other people. I need to be the responsible grown up for me.

CAMHS, like most of the NHS is woefully underfunded. The waiting lists are ridiculous. I've not had experience with them myself (other than through work) but from what friends have said, you're not alone in your frustrations.

A bonfire sounds like a really good way of releasing all the negativity held in that paperwork. And I love your plan for a solo trip, sometimes just a bit of time alone is what's needed to sooth the soul. I'm glad your DS is feeling calmer, I hope you are too and that you manage to get some restorative sleep.

Sending calm and strength and love Hills, we are here to listen and help where we can. If I could come round and help with the physical paperwork I would!

On the subject of sanctuary and escaping and alone time, I have always maintained that living alone (and staying single and childfree) is the best decision I ever made for my own mental health - and I have a secret dream that when I retire with my like-minded best friend, we'll have enough money to create a safe haven for anyone who just needs to get away and be for a while. Ideally a separate little cottage on our land ignoring current reality of two very small houses being unlikely to fund a big homestead even if mortgages are paid off in the future. Life is so busy and there are so many demands put upon us as women, especially women who are mothers, that I'd love to somehow facilitate breathing space.

In the interim we're here to listen and while I don't have children, I can see and feel very clearly your love for yours and the compulsion to do the best for them, even if it's not the best thing for you.

I am pleased to hear there will be a bonfire - I hope that helps to release the unexpected emotions and leaves you feeling calmer and steadier 💙

Sending healing energy to all who need it this morning.
I don’t know your situation @HillsBesideTheSea but I can certainly empathise. I too have a son who has had the unfortunate experience of camhs. He is now an adult still living at home and still the cause of all my anxiety and sadness.

I have recently realised that I no longer want to spend anymore of my life being so affected by his. It is impossible some of the time but I’m doing what I can to detach a bit. It’s so hard when it’s our children.
I am torn between the thinking that if I don’t try to keep him safe no one will and I should always be responsible somewhat because he has asd. That if I take my hands off the wheel I will have to live with the consequences which will still affect me and the knowledge that I’ve already used up a good chunk of my life being unhappy and completely involved in his and time is running out for me to find peace.

It should be easy for me because my son completely resents my help and treats me badly yet I love him so much and can’t bear to see him suffer.

Thankyou for your words speak out. I have read and re read them. I am much better than I was a year ago at stepping back and thinking of myself but there’s a way to go and the reminder helps.

I’ve been having lots of vivid dreams this week too. Very unusual for me.

After my chores are done I’m planning some more de cluttering today ( I actually enjoy it ) and a nice walk. Followed by some reading and tea drinking.
I’m waiting for a date now for my house move, everything seems to be in order and I’m getting a little bit excited !

HillsBesideTheSea

Sometimes we js have to demand that time/energy/headspace for ourselves. Worrying 24/7 will not change a situation. We c do what we can do, but we then need to step back and make use of any respite we have. Even with ongoing situations that we can't resolve, we still can create a life with joy and spaces clear or sorry and stress.
When we make that a priority then life becomes easier.
Put yourself at hte top of the list. Obvioulsy if there is a crisis that becomes a priority, but if those we care for are busy, safe, asleep, elsewhere, occupied, then rumininating over a negative situation is not good for you.
Do you get support? If not seek it out, create your own havens.
Make time for meaningful self care- even snatching 10 minutes to medtate, speak to your GP about your own MH, find ways to soothe your soul. And when i can, there will be a trip away for just me. Because i am tired of being the responsible grown up for 3 other people. I need to be the responsible grown up for me. That is good to hear.

I hope today is a better one for you.
Must dash, have an early yoga. XX

Unfortunately not. A night of no sleep and today will be full of conversations about whether ds is to remain living with me. Long term decisions requiring short turn around. I suspect it will be another very emotionally raw day.