Do you ever feel guilty for not worrying?

[pensivepigeon]

I like to be quite pragmatic and hopeful over the future. Once I've done what I feel I need to do and all that can be done is to wait and see how events unfold, I try not to worry and to believe the best. However, what impedes this, is what I can only describe as a guilty feeling that I should be spending my time more concerned.

Does anyone else feel like this? What do you find helps overcoming this?

Are you a Christian?

It is you yourself feeling guilty, and not anyone else making you feel guilty?

@lightand, thank you for your reply. I have my own beliefs but would welcome views from people of any/every perspective.

I think I am concerned with being compassionate to other people's feelings. When other people are more upset or worried over the same thing or sort of thing and they want vindication, in that they don't want their experiences and dilemmas minimised or judged, it make me question myself out of not feeling the same. However, I need to function and want to enjoy life so realise being more optimistic is necessary for me to do this. But I don't want to be too selfish either. I also sometimes worry about being too strong and having to take on more problems which might be too much for me.

Is this related to modern life and social media in some way?

I'm looking at ways to stop stressing over things I can't control. I have not, in the past, been a religious person, but now trying to take on board lessons that stop me worrying.

I feel as if I have spent a fair chunk of my life trying to help other humans and I now don't think it was necessarily valuable to them or me.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick, I apologise. But if you're saying you don't want to stress out about stuff that isn't connected to you, I completely understand.

AFAIC we live in a bizarre world where the expectation is that we "should" take an interest in every problem worldwide. I don't want to do that to myself.

I've made a new rule of max one hour web surfing each day, including commute time where applicable. I am using too much headspace on things that have nothing to do with me. I appreciate that some of these things might arrive in my life later - bloody globalism - but I will deal with them then.

It is good not to worry.
I wouldnt worry about not worrying!

You’ve just replaced worry with guilt

Is this related to modern life and social media in some way?

All sorts of things really but social media is included. I see the way it affects people I know too. I just don't want to be dragged into the worrying if there is no action to be taken or if action has been taken but there is a delay in the results to come to fruition. I find trying to reassure or be positive can be taken the wrong way but I want to think positively. It does make me feel mean, though, sometimes when I won't join in a really heartfelt rant!Thankfully my immediate family feel the same way as me.

But if you're saying you don't want to stress out about stuff that isn't connected to you, I completely understand.

I don't want to stress about stuff that does affect me directly either! I see the fear feeling as a danger signal. Once alerted to it, I decide what, if anything, I need to do about it but then I like to move on. I've had cancer, I think it has heightened my perspective on this really.

I wouldnt worry about not worrying

I know it's ironic! I'm full of it! I also feel very judgmental against people judging other people!

You’ve just replaced worry with guilt

That was my concern, yes. It's like the guilt of being privileged. Or survivor guilt. But when I can't see how to solve other people's upset I don't know how it helps if I get upset too.

AFAIC we live in a bizarre world where the expectation is that we "should" take an interest in every problem worldwide. I don't want to do that to myself.

Yes, I agree with this!

I think we are probably in a similar headspace
It's hard to avoid giving offence but wrt to the things outside us e.g. politics of a different country, I have had to tell people I don't want to discuss it. "Mm" only goes so far when they want someone to join them in ranting. Then it can be that you disagree or simply don't care or aren't interested. And really don't want to listen!

The only person who is pissed off so far is my cousin but I think the numbers might grow. I am debating whether to tell people in advance that I'm trying to take a different approach.

In terms of whether it does affect you, I often prefer not to share my troubles because I don't want to dwell on them.

I do think it's going to reduce my social interactions but I don't actually care.

Ypu say

"But when I can't see how to solve other people's upset I don't know how it helps if I get upset too." I agree. I am even reaching the point where I find it hard to listen though. It depends what it is, but recently
I have politely asked mum to stop moaning about trivial things. She looks a bit pissed off but there is so much that can spoil your day, why add to it?

In terms of whether it does affect you, I often prefer not to share my troubles because I don't want to dwell on them.

Me too.

I do think it's going to reduce my social interactions but I don't actually care.

It does, I have found. It sometimes leads me to feeling a bit lonely. I find myself thinking 'bland pleasantries' in order to make conversation. Sort of seems less real, somehow. People also will make thoughtless comments when you don't make a fuss, they genuinely forget what you have been through! Although, I do tell them the facts.

I agree. I am even reaching the point where I find it hard to listen though.

Yes, with you there! Hence the 'bland' modus operandi. 'Oh, how awful, poor you!' Etc etc ad infinitum...

(I find non confrontational conversation moves onto a different subject quicker!)

pensive "People also will make thoughtless comments when you don't make a fuss, they genuinely forget what you have been through! Although, I do tell them the facts."

I think I have done it once and paid a high price. It was also with a friend who had cancer and I didn't know her when she had it, so i am guilty -
I forgot that she had it.

But I have had people do similar to me and have not been annoyed. I feel the world is so overwhelming, it can be hard to keep track of what you can and can't say to people, and who has been through what.

Many people have so many people to keep up with, they are struggling.

I really do sympathise with something serious e.g. a person being burgled.

But when it gets to "so and so gave me a funny look and I think they think this etc" i'm out of sympathy and no longer have the patience to listen.

It might cause loneliness in future but I would probably get a pet for company! 😂

But I have had people do similar to me and have not been annoyed

If doesn't make me annoyed at them but I do feel a bit disconnected to them by it.

It might cause loneliness in future but I would probably get a pet for company!

I like making friends with wild animals! More of an equal footing!

OP do your feelings have any link to dislikes of contemporary technology and human computer interaction?

Very specific question I know!

I like technology, generally. I think it's amazing to be able to research and chat to people so easily. But I'm not one for joining in on posting on Facebook or Instagram. I wouldn't like to feel the pressure of documenting every aspect of my life for an audience to comment on.

Oh okay

I probably would have said the same a couple of years ago. I may just be having a phase.

I do get nostalgic sometimes for the times when we were less connected. However, the fact my DH was able to work remotely when I was having cancer treatment was a literal life saver.

Seems like you're a more logical than emotional thinker. I'm the same way. If there's an issue I generally don't get stressed about it, but think about how to fix it. I've been called cold because of it before but I'm just not an overly emotional person. There's nothing wrong with it at all. I've learned to surround myself with similar people.

Thanks, @Gooseygoosey12345. I've never really though of myself as logical before. More a dreamer, really, but reflecting on it, I probably have become more logical in recent years.

@pensivepigeon

I do get nostalgic sometimes for the times when we were less connected. However, the fact my DH was able to work remotely when I was having cancer treatment was a literal life saver.

I think that aspect is great

But we are way past that aspect now so I just wondered if it had anything to do with your feelings.

Did you pick up the narrative quite young that you were responsible for other people's feelings - were your parents worriers I wonder?

@LunaHeather, maybe. I mean people are able to communicate their thought very readily on lots of different platforms now. That knowledge requires a somewhat 'strong stomach' sometimes!

@GeidiPrimes, that could be a factor. My late DM used to confide in me since I was tiny really. She would worry and catastrophise sometimes too. My DF often confides in me now. In one way it's nice but in another it does make you feel more responsible and that feeling of responsibility is not entirely warranted, if it is not advice they want, only sympathy, I suppose. The sympathy sort of pushes you to feel the same way but if you've a different view you might not. Yes, I think that might be the cause of some of the guilty feeling. But I don't think the guilt is warranted because it is not right to feel guilty just for having and appreciating a different perspective on things.

Do you struggle with theory of mind? I mean, great that you’re pragmatic and optimistic, but you need to respect the fact that other people respond differently to the same events. No one is right or wrong in their response. And they’re almost certainly never asking for a solution when they tell you about something worrying them unless they say ‘What would you do?’

I’m also calm (grew up the eldest child of two major catastrophisers), but sometimes what other people consider their own ‘optimism’ is just head in the sand stuff.

A friend of mine was in end of life care in a hospice, and I had come from abroad to spend some time with her, and was staying with a close family member nearby. Every time I’d seen my friend — and I wasn’t even mentioning her, it was the family member constantly asking — she would say ‘Well, you never know!’ and ‘The doctors will find something!’

Well, no. Because her team had long since stopped treatment for an aggressive incurable disease, and she was in end of life care and, as it turned out, only a few days from death. But this family member couldn’t bear that being stated.

Do you struggle with theory of mind? I mean, great that you’re pragmatic and optimistic, but you need to respect the fact that other people respond differently to the same events.

No, in that I know it, understand and appreciate it. However, I think there are pressures in life when you feel differently to others. I think there is also a very human desire for 'oneness' for people to want their feelings validated by others feeling the same. I think my guilt stems from the fact that I often do feel differently to others. And my optimism and hope has stood me in good stead. I could have given up on lots of things in my life that I didn't, against advice sometimes too, but I won out in the end. Even if I had lost, the fight for me would have been still worth it because I needed to give those things a chance.