Do you ever feel guilty for not worrying?

[pensivepigeon]

I like to be quite pragmatic and hopeful over the future. Once I've done what I feel I need to do and all that can be done is to wait and see how events unfold, I try not to worry and to believe the best. However, what impedes this, is what I can only describe as a guilty feeling that I should be spending my time more concerned.

Does anyone else feel like this? What do you find helps overcoming this?

Because her team had long since stopped treatment for an aggressive incurable disease, and she was in end of life care and, as it turned out, only a few days from death. But this family member couldn’t bear that being stated.

I think in those circumstances it is important need to respect the wishes of the person being treated. So if they have accepted they will die soon this needs to be respected - it is their life and death.

@pensivepigeon

Because her team had long since stopped treatment for an aggressive incurable disease, and she was in end of life care and, as it turned out, only a few days from death. But this family member couldn’t bear that being stated.

I think in those circumstances it is important need to respect the wishes of the person being treated. So if they have accepted they will die soon this needs to be respected - it is their life and death.

Sorry, I perhaps wasn’t clear.

The dying woman was my friend. The blindly optimistic family member was my family, and didn’t know my friend.

My point was that I had been perfectly clear on the fact that my friend was close to death, in a hospice, on an end of life pathway, but my relative, fully aware of this, kept saying ‘Well, you never know!’ and ‘The doctors will find a way!’

I remember finding it deeply bizarre. My family member wasn’t upset, and I wasn’t upset or confiding in her, but every time I came in from the hospice she would follow me around the house asking questions and responding with perky clichés.

I think she genuinely thought she was helping, but it felt as though her optimism was some kind of knee jerk that bore no relationship to the actual situation.

I think she genuinely thought she was helping, but it felt as though her optimism was some kind of knee jerk that bore no relationship to the actual situation.

My DM was in end of life care. I didn't do that. I knew she was about to die, and it felt good in a weird way when she did die because she had been suffering a lot. Her body had packed up.

But, equally, I have had an aggressive cancer. I'm still here and in remission. I would be very pissed off if people started being pessimistic about my prognosis.

Delighted you’re in remission, @pensivepigeon, but my friend had long stopped being treated and her organs were shutting down. It was a matter of whether she had three days or a week left. She was perfectly calm, as was I, and we spent one of our last conversations talking about scattering her ashes. Then I was going home to someone who would follow me around asking how X was, and I would say ‘Getting weaker, only conscious for a few minutes today, they’re saying 48 hours’, and my relative would say ‘Well, you never know!’ and ‘We’ll hope for the best, that the doctors come up with something!’

I get you @Threeleaper, as I said, in my earlier post, my mother was in the same situation as your friend. It was difficult for me to deal with too being the one that survived.

I nearly started a thread, not on this exact topic but wondering

Do some people feel forced into these weird conversations? Does anyone feel the world talks too much? Is anyone else wondering if there's a movement or religion that's about quiet?!

It's taken me time to understand some people talk to fill a silence. It can be really damaging though, like pensive with comments people make about your health. I had an accident and injury and when I returned to life and work, I was amazed by how many "I know someone who sustained your injury and is in permanent pain".

I was so flummoxed, I mentioned it to my boss and she said "honestly, these people don't secretly hate you, they're just saying what they think out of kindness".

I am recovered and looking forward to today's workout!

I feel as if not only are people overthinking, they try to drag me into their overthinking.

Do some people feel forced into these weird conversations? Does anyone feel the world talks too much? Is anyone else wondering if there's a movement or religion that's about quiet?!

I think there's quiet in a lot of religions such as ones which use contemplative prayer, silence and meditation. I value quiet too. However, I think there is also a time for noise, that can be a release of sorts.

I have come to the conclusion that it takes wisdom to be in sync with others but also that we don't always need to be moving in the same direction as them. Sometimes we need distance from people who are just not on the same page as us. And we need wisdom to discern what is appropriate at all times! I don't always 'get it' but have found this thread useful for mulling events over and picking apart what I am experiencing.

I feel as if not only are people overthinking, they try to drag me into their overthinking.

Yep, that certainly happens!

@LunaHeather

I nearly started a thread, not on this exact topic but wondering

Do some people feel forced into these weird conversations? Does anyone feel the world talks too much? Is anyone else wondering if there's a movement or religion that's about quiet?!

It's taken me time to understand some people talk to fill a silence. It can be really damaging though, like pensive with comments people make about your health. I had an accident and injury and when I returned to life and work, I was amazed by how many "I know someone who sustained your injury and is in permanent pain".

I was so flummoxed, I mentioned it to my boss and she said "honestly, these people don't secretly hate you, they're just saying what they think out of kindness".

I am recovered and looking forward to today's workout!

Quakerism?

Maybe

I think I need some kind of Luddist movement. Then again, I'm sure it's possible to be anything and just be a hermit as much as you can.

Sounds a bit along the lines of Stoicism. I try and practice this too. Or mindfulness. I try and practice this a bit to be less overcome by emotions. I think it's healthy.

Thanks,@Orangeblossom1977 .

I think I've worked something out with regard to this subject. I think people have a tendency to issue advice or warnings like they are telling someone off / correcting them. So you can be going about minding your own business in a carefree manner and someone will observe you and give you a piece of advice that feels like a telling off (for going about apparently unconcerned). I think this is where my perceived guilty feeling for not worrying might stem from.

Funnily enough, it was my DH, that made me think of this. His response to something I'd asked him not to do, was along the lines of 'How do expect me to know that?'. I replied, 'It's advice, not a criticism. I was telling you because...etc'.

OP now I'm curious for more context.

What would you like to know @LunaHeather?

More about the conversation with your DH

Apologies if too nosey, just wondered what the relevance was.

It's very boring! I'd asked him not to shut the bathroom door right up when getting up in the middle of the night because the handle is really loud and squeaky!

OP, are you neurotypical?

@Stonehopper, yes.

@pensivepigeon

It's very boring! I'd asked him not to shut the bathroom door right up when getting up in the middle of the night because the handle is really loud and squeaky!

I must be honest, I can't make a connection between this and the original topic but it might just be me being thick.

It's just something that came to me,@ LunaHeather. I think that when I'm going about carefree and not worrying that I'm almost expecting a telling off (or at least some stern advice). Hence the guilt feeling. My thinking is that it's a learnt behaviour because the times I have received stern advice have been those times when I was to all intents and purposes carefree. So that's the connection.

And my DH was certainly operating the bathroom handle in a carefree manner and making a hell of a racket in the process! But to be fair the handle cannot be operated without it squeaking.

I'm not making the connection with the original topic either, @pensivepigeon. What does your husband unthinkingly waking you by squeaking the bathroom door at night have to do with you being pragmatic and hopeful about the future, hence not worrying and then feeling guilty about not worrying more?

Not worrying = carefree.

My husband was unconcerned (carefree) over making a noise getting up & was not impressed I'd asked him not to used the squeaky door handle. He felt criticised whereas I knew we'd not discussed it before and I was just advising on a new plan of action - no criticism.

Thinking back over the times I'd been carefree and received advice in a similar manner led me to make the connection between not worrying about something and half expecting, in the back of my mind someone, to come up with some stern advice. The stern advice which causes you to feel a bit accused and stupid for not thinking of it. Hence not worrying leading to a guilty feeling, like you'd not thought it through enough.