Do you struggle with the 'rules'?

[marmite92]

I know it sounds strange, but I've been thinking a lot about religion lately as my mum passed away last month in her 50s, and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I'd describe myself as agnostic but do pray sometimes, but my auntie has a very strong faith and feels comforted by it.

The trouble is, when I think about the rules in Christianity it worries me, because there are things I can't undo, and things I don't want to adhere to. For example, I've been married for a short amount of time which was a rushed mistake (mainly due to the diagnosis of my mum), so I'm divorced and I know that's frowned upon. I'm also very liberal, and I cannot believe things like being gay is wrong, that having sex unless married is terrible etc. I also struggle to think we are all born in sin, doesn't make sense to me.

So I guess my question is, am I allowed to feel like I can explore this if I know I will cherry pick what I like and don't like? How do you deal with the conflict? Sorry for the ramblings!

There are several Christian denominations that do not believe that being gay is wrong, or that sex before marriage is wrong, or in original sin.

Christianity is not a monolith. Start researching different churches.

Christianity is a broad church. The Anglo Catholic end of the C of E has a very high proportion of gay priests. Divorce isn't a big deal any more. I'm a priest and divorced. You are more likely to find conservative views on divorce, homosexuality and women in leadership in the conservative churches. Sounds obvious but not all churches are conservative. Google Inclusive church and see if they have any churches near you. Cathedrals are often inclusive.

and things I don't want to adhere to. For example, I've been married for a short amount of time which was a rushed mistake (mainly due to the diagnosis of my mum), so I'm divorced and I know that's frowned upon. I'm also very liberal, and I cannot believe things like being gay is wrong, that having sex unless married is terrible etc. I also struggle to think we are all born in sin, doesn't make sense to me

You'd fit in with the CofE.

Have you actually bothered to find out what different denominations are like?

Most religious people pick and choose the bits that suit them anyway Crack on.

I'm a Christian and gay and go to an Anglican church. The vicar and curate both know and are fine with it. As others have said, the CofE is a pretty broad church with a wide range of views in its churches.

The bible is also not clear on a lot of things people claim it is clear on. You can have as many interpretations of it as there are people reading it, I reckon. If not, why don't we all believe the exact same things? Why do Baptists only have adult baptism, but the CofE baptise kids (for example)? There are myriad interpretations, and I don't think its necessarily 'cherry picking'.
Context is all....

I would say C of E or various offshoots would suit. I go to a Methodist church, have been divorced, was married for the second time by an Anglican vicar who was also divorced and am openly supportive of gay clergy and marriage

Like a PP said, the most important commandment according to Jesus' teaching was to love God and love your neighbour

I find great comfort in prayer and handing things over to God that I am not in control of

As Christopher Hitchens used to say, most religious people take an 'a la carte' approach to their religion at the best of times. Picking and choosing which bits to follow and which to ignore then claiming it's because they have a different 'interpretation' of their respective religious text.

There is a different 'interpretation' to suit everyone, so you don't have anything to worry about. Just make it up and claim it's your considered view.

If you want added religious bonus points you could even claim you prayed about it for guidance and got clarification from higher management personally. Nobody can argue with that.

Thank you for all your replies. I have 'bothered' to look into it but it's only very recently I've thought of this since my mum died it's new to me and part of my family though they are loving and open minded the churches they go to are evangelical. I will definitely look into more opened minded ones, and I agree about these things being social constructs over time that has changed but as I said because some of my family believe these things are the word of god it's set me off more worried about these things than questioning them if that makes sense

I've never had religious inclinations before but after losing my mum last month I would love to feel comforted thinking she's somewhere else, at the moment I don't have that and I just feel she is gone which is so painful

I'm sorry about your mum marmite losing a loved one is always hard. All I would say is that it does get better, it just takes time.

The fact you are asking these questions mean you know the whole religion thing isn't really true, you are just seeking comfort. It's completely natural, but seriously, don't lie to yourself. An uncomfortable truth is always better overall than a pleasant lie.

You'll feel better in the long run accepting your mother has passed away, she is at peace, in exactly the same state as she was for all the billions of years before she was born. That wasn't bad, was it?

The fact that lots of normally sensible people look to religion in desperation when a loved one dies isn't really a recommendation weary.

Lots of people come out of prison strongly religious as well, its because they don't have anything else and are desperate enough to overlook sensible objections.

None if this happens because of the 'inherent truth' of your specific religion.

Hi OP,

I was raised religious, Grandparents very religious and all schools I attended were.

Then I went anti religious and actually became quite angry, due to some of the things you mention.

Then found what I would call connection to source, to my own spirit. I suppose it’s spirituality. I pray to God, Jesus, but also to the Christ light within me and within all of us.

I see that we are all gods and goddesses and all are amazing beings, rather than it being external.
It helps me understand that Christianity in a man made religion. Whereas no one can ever take away my connection to my higher self.

Hope that makes sense

This pic also helped me understand my feelings better

So I guess my question is, am I allowed to feel like I can explore this if I know I will cherry pick what I like and don't like?

Of course you're allowed. What's more, it's virtually compulsory. Religion is about following the holy book, up until the point that its stops you doing exactly what you want to do, at which point you say "well that bit is just a metaphor" or come up with some other excuse for ignoring it.

Thank you @Homestayer that's exactly what I used to think. This is my first proper grief of someone close and I so wish I could feel comforted by something. I'm only 27, the thought of a long life without my mum is devastasting to me but I see the comfort of others where they think they'll meet again and I wish I could feel that. I guess I wanted to see if I can find that faith and connection but so much of it doesn't align with how I think.

I like that picture @LuluBellaBlue me and my mum had lots of deep conversations before she passed about what we thought about god and spirituality and she described it exactly like you have, that's it's in all of us. She prayed and went to church during the past year but also did meditation and read up on lots of Buddhism too

This is my first proper grief of someone close and I so wish I could feel comforted by something.

Take comfort in physics:

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy is created in the universe and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, ever vibration, every BTU of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid the energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point, you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off you like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue in the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy is still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone. You're just less orderly. Amen.

At least Christianity teaches to its adherents to treat others as you’d wish to be treated.

Parts of it do. Other parts call for the death of non believers. Revelation 21:8 puts the faithless in a group with murderers, and condemns us to a lake of fire.

What was the OP saying about cherry picking?

Homestayer - I was an angry atheist like you so I know where you are coming from.

Where was the angry part? I think you're projecting.

Homestayer - I was an angry atheist like you so I know where you are coming from. You are angry because maybe you think people of faith have weaker minds and are praying on the vulnerable to join their mindless nonsense?

Oh, bless.

OP, if you discount the large percentage of the 'rules' of Christianity, Judaism and Islam which are about controlling the 'threat' of female sexuality and clearly you should then you've actually removed a lot of the more obviously dead wood, anyway.

Weary I'm really not angry at all, that's you projecting.

I'm just stating facts.

And I don't think the religious have 'weaker minds', or are stupid in any way.

I see them as victims of a system that preys on the vulnerable and the psychological needs of those in pain. Religion targets the emotionally neediest in society, or children, who are equally vulnerable.

Just look at what you and others are doing to the OP on this thread right now. Getting someone at their lowest and most vulnerable and taking advantage of their lowered defences to push a religious agenda that by their own admission they wouldn't even consider if they weren't so sad.

Shame on you and all like you.

1555CC

Bravo!!!