Thank you @Dutchoma. I'm autistic with generalised anxiety disorder and I'm just not Ok right now. I've been busy and on the go with no stops or breaks since the 7th Dec and I'm just not OK.
While I've been at uni my mum basically transformed my room into a storage space so I've got nowhere to hide. I was staying away from home from the 19th, I went to visit a friend with another one of our housemates till the 21st. Our housemate went home on the 20th and my friend and I went to visit a different friend for his bday. We we're supposed to just be there till the 22nd but he (and his mum) asked me to stay another couple of days as he was singing and playing in two different concerts so I ended up staying till the 24th. Which I'm pleased about as he's not at uni this year and I miss him like crazy. He did ask me to stay until the new year but I said no because I love my family and they'd have been devastated if I'd not went home. Yet when I went home all they can do is criticise the fact that I went away before christmas supposedly for four days so I'd get back in time to make cakes and do crafts with my nieces and nephews but then extended my visit by two days because I miss my friend and he finds Christmas at home difficult as he and his dad clash.
My family are not Christians so struggle to deal with me being one but accept it with minimal teasing. However when they found out that it was just me staying with him and his family as the other three guests left there was an uproar. They wanted to know who was around and when, what we we're doing, where I slept and what pjs I packed. I had a normal pair of a vest and long pants pjs to wear under a onesie as he lives in an old and draughty house in the middle of nowhere.
Some of there ideas of what exactly we got up to are funny, some are interesting and some are downright vulgar. I know that they're teasing but they either think very little of me or of him and he is as straightlaced and bible following, law abiding guy there is. There are a lot of demands to meet him which is fair. I've been on holiday with him, stayed at his and I'm going away with him again in the summer.
They struggle with the fact that I can't/wont say what our relationship is as I don't know we're very good friends, we care for each other a lot and have a very intimate bond but we're both also autistic, still at uni and awkward. For all I know he could be gay or whatever (I doubt it, but he could be) and they can't grasp that that wouldn't upset me or change how I feel about him as I disagree with their notion of romantic or familial love being the only valid forms.
I love him as a person, and while I find our relationship as it is now (somewhere between friendship and dating) confusing as I'm sure does he but that doesn't mean that I love him or will love him any less if we only ever remain friends, I love my friends and the people around me equally and think that that sort of platonic love and fondness for people is worth any less than romantic or familial love. But the other feelings I feel towards him are confusing and I don't understand them so I pray and they don't understand why I'd rather do that than tell them, when I know that God holds the answers I need and they'll tease me instead. They'll try to help me understand as well but they'll still tease me and I'm feeling rather fragile right now
I'm currently trying to process all of the different things I've done and places I've been, people I've seen and all the interactions that I've had both with him and other friends and strangers. As well as my family's reaction to me staying away before christmas, which while dramatic I understand because I never deviate from routines and I did in a big way this year. I'm trying to sell a load of unwanted gifts that my family bought me this and last year as they don't know me at all while also trying to empty or declutter my room from the crap my mother put in while I've been away and boxing stuff to give to charity and stuff that can go in the loft instead and piling stuff for that my nieces and nephews might enjoy having or playing with.
While also having a massive case of PMS and irrational behaviour due to hormonal imbalances and an inability to shutdown or meltdown due to a lack of privacy (I've been sleeping on the sofa and with my mum which I don't mind for a short time but I can't cope without my space right now my head is too full). Which is also stopping me from being able to revise for uni exams or complete my essay which are due the 1st and 2nd week back. I cannot process work until I have processed everything else and I can't do that till I have space.
I keep praying for grace and peace as I know I am far more blessed than many but right now all I want to do is get on a train or plane and run away.