Note: if you’re not of the Christian faith and only want to be unpleasant / tell me it’s all rubbish anyway, please bugger off to another thread.
I’m having what I can only describe as a dark night of the soul. I cannot hear or get through to God and I’m questioning the whole thing, it’s been this way for months.
I was raised a Christian (but in a very dodgy cult type environment which is a whole other thread) and as an adult found my own faith if you like and have always attended evangelical churches. I hate church from an interaction point of view if I’m honest because I don’t like most Christians (I find them fake, insincere, full of ‘jargon’ and never there when you actually need them and sure as heck don’t have any actual answers about the biggest questions) but I attend when I feel able mainly out of guilt because “church is important and believers need each other” but more because I’ve got young kids and I feel I should be sending them to learn about God / Jesus. And they love it, they thoroughly enjoy church and get very excited about going. Loud music, dancing, games and bible teaching, what’s not to like if you are 6?
I’ll be honest and say I’m totally disillusioned by the churches we’ve attended as every single one has started small and then it’s a matter of a year before they’re demanding money and trying to build a mega church, with all sense of pastoral care and discipleship gone and a complete focus on money and buildings. The one we have attended for 5 years now wants a million odd quid to knock down its perfectly ok building and create a whole new one. Meanwhile people in other parts of the world don’t even have running water. So that’s a big problem for me and has been for a long time.
But I always had my faith. However now I cannot connect with God at all and frankly I’m in a dark, empty place. I have never felt so alone. We attended church yesterday and they sang how He has never left us ever ...and in my head I’m screaming “Really?!! Really?!!!” For context I’m also someone who was sexually abused as a child and have all kinds of other crap happen as I’ve grown up into adulthood and beyond including infertility, so I’m probably more disillusioned and bitter than some as I look as the shiny, perfect young Christians who life hasn’t kicked to the kerb and just feel angry.
I know I sound bitter and cynical and I know I’ve become that way. I just don’t know what to do. I am so ANGRY with God. I feel so abandoned. I’ve tried repenting, shouting ....nothing.
It also probably doesn’t help that with the evangelical movement there have been lots of prophetic words etc spoken over those close to me over 20 odd years now and I’ve not seen them fulfilled but then everyone makes excuses and says ‘well they didn’t have enough faith...well sometimes prophetic words have an expiry date...’ etc. Meanwhile I watch people suffer and given false hope.
If you’ve read all of this well done! And if you have any suggestions on how to get out of this awful misery I’d be grateful to hear them. I’m bordering on thinking it’s all a total lie and if it isn’t, how can God be all loving / merciful etc and yet at such a hard time in my life (so much has gone wrong) I cannot find Him anywhere. Yesterday they preached on “persistent prayer” and yet I’ve been practically screaming at heaven for the last 3 months to no avail. I’m beginning to think I’ve been talking to myself all these years and Christianity is nonsense. I suppose it’s our own fault in many ways, as look at what Job went through. He got it all back afterward but how can that ever make up for all the trauma and loss?! Anyway I digress but seriously if anyone can help me I’d be grateful. I don’t have a single Christian I even trust enough to take this to, I think my lack of faith would terrify most of them and have them arguing with me rather than trying to help me!