Christians - dark night of the soul / feeling jaded

[FrightsaidRed]

Note: if you’re not of the Christian faith and only want to be unpleasant / tell me it’s all rubbish anyway, please bugger off to another thread.

I’m having what I can only describe as a dark night of the soul. I cannot hear or get through to God and I’m questioning the whole thing, it’s been this way for months.

I was raised a Christian (but in a very dodgy cult type environment which is a whole other thread) and as an adult found my own faith if you like and have always attended evangelical churches. I hate church from an interaction point of view if I’m honest because I don’t like most Christians (I find them fake, insincere, full of ‘jargon’ and never there when you actually need them and sure as heck don’t have any actual answers about the biggest questions) but I attend when I feel able mainly out of guilt because “church is important and believers need each other” but more because I’ve got young kids and I feel I should be sending them to learn about God / Jesus. And they love it, they thoroughly enjoy church and get very excited about going. Loud music, dancing, games and bible teaching, what’s not to like if you are 6?

I’ll be honest and say I’m totally disillusioned by the churches we’ve attended as every single one has started small and then it’s a matter of a year before they’re demanding money and trying to build a mega church, with all sense of pastoral care and discipleship gone and a complete focus on money and buildings. The one we have attended for 5 years now wants a million odd quid to knock down its perfectly ok building and create a whole new one. Meanwhile people in other parts of the world don’t even have running water. So that’s a big problem for me and has been for a long time.

But I always had my faith. However now I cannot connect with God at all and frankly I’m in a dark, empty place. I have never felt so alone. We attended church yesterday and they sang how He has never left us ever ...and in my head I’m screaming “Really?!! Really?!!!” For context I’m also someone who was sexually abused as a child and have all kinds of other crap happen as I’ve grown up into adulthood and beyond including infertility, so I’m probably more disillusioned and bitter than some as I look as the shiny, perfect young Christians who life hasn’t kicked to the kerb and just feel angry.

I know I sound bitter and cynical and I know I’ve become that way. I just don’t know what to do. I am so ANGRY with God. I feel so abandoned. I’ve tried repenting, shouting ....nothing.

It also probably doesn’t help that with the evangelical movement there have been lots of prophetic words etc spoken over those close to me over 20 odd years now and I’ve not seen them fulfilled but then everyone makes excuses and says ‘well they didn’t have enough faith...well sometimes prophetic words have an expiry date...’ etc. Meanwhile I watch people suffer and given false hope.

If you’ve read all of this well done! And if you have any suggestions on how to get out of this awful misery I’d be grateful to hear them. I’m bordering on thinking it’s all a total lie and if it isn’t, how can God be all loving / merciful etc and yet at such a hard time in my life (so much has gone wrong) I cannot find Him anywhere. Yesterday they preached on “persistent prayer” and yet I’ve been practically screaming at heaven for the last 3 months to no avail. I’m beginning to think I’ve been talking to myself all these years and Christianity is nonsense. I suppose it’s our own fault in many ways, as look at what Job went through. He got it all back afterward but how can that ever make up for all the trauma and loss?! Anyway I digress but seriously if anyone can help me I’d be grateful. I don’t have a single Christian I even trust enough to take this to, I think my lack of faith would terrify most of them and have them arguing with me rather than trying to help me!

Pete Greig is great. I've heard him speak a couple of times. He's so down to earth. Jeff Lucas also has books on prayer.

Fright- I shall light a candle and pray for you, I hope this gives you some comfort.

Prayers from me also, I have been thinking about you today 💐

OP I am not a christian, but I am not here to be unpleasant.

You seem to be struggling so much- a kindly meant suggestion, could you try looking outside the box?

Perhaps the answers you seek are not to be found where you are looking.

It's a very tough place to be, OP.

I used to go to evangelical / charismatic churches, and back in 2008 had a similar experience to you; only I did walk away, for a number of years. There were other things going on with me, and it was actually as a result of (NHS) therapy that I started finding my way back to God.

I found the Quakers to be helpful - I don't belong in evanglical churches any more; my theology is too much at odds with it I think, and like you, I wonder where / how the problems of poverty / homelessnes etc., figure in a lot of church thinking. But Quaker theology is more 'socially aware' if that makes sense.
I also found going on silent retreats to a monastery incredibly helpful - I've not lost my faith, but I have big difficulties with 'church', which can lead to a lonely path, but one that can be worthwhile.

I don't know.... it's a horrible place to be OP, and I feel for you. God is big enough to take all your doubts, anger, confusion, pain....and all the rest of it, but sometimes you just feels like you need a person who understands, who you can talk to rather than shouting into the ether.
There is also wisdom in sitting in silence - sometimes we don't make it all that easy for God to get through to us (it took me 12 years before I was ready to listen); not saying that's the case with you, but we do need to listen as well.

Some of the writings of the desert fathers, or celtic spirituality / monasticism can be really good for getting back to the heart of things as well.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling to hear/feel God. My personal experience is that when I am going through this, often I am subconsciously closing myself off and shutting doors without realising/meaning to. There is also the possibility this is demonic oppression, which I've also experienced and overcome. It is so hard when you don't have fellowship. It makes such a difference. My vicar, church and Bible study group are so important to me. I think my priority in your situation would be finding another Christian you feel able to talk to. If you are anywhere near me (Bristol/Bath area) I'd be happy to meet and talk. Also have you considered a healing retreat or weekend? They can help you feel closer to God.

I'm reading your posts and thinking have you heard of sozo or been for any prayer ministry
I too have been hurt by church as has my DH. I went for prayer ministry when having my issues & it really helped because someone else was listening/ praying & tuning into God for me.
Also be encouraged it says light defeats the darkness & god is with us through the hard times.

Bless you on this journey

Thank you all so much for your replies which I’ve been carefully reading and taking notes on helpful things. We also have the screwtape letters amongst our books @floral so I’m going to read that too. I was raised on C.S Lewis’ children’s books so I’m very comfortable with him and I’m hoping he can offer some wisdom. I’m also going to look into the orthodox theology you mention, it sounds very interesting. Sometimes we almost need our faith ‘reframed’ and that’s what I think is going on here a bit. Thank you @floral for your detailed posts, incredibly helpful and what you say really resonates with me.

I have felt much more peaceful since posting here and reading all your replies, it’s been enormously helpful.

I visited an abbey earlier this week to try to reconnect a little, and although I had a toddler in tow, I did have a few moments alone whilst DH took her off and it really helped. Being in a literal ‘house of prayer’ which has been worshipped in for centuries has a real weightiness to it. Even as a child I remember visiting the local CofE with school regularly and that sense you get in very old established churches / cathedrals etc is something quite special.

@madhair your church sounds lovely and there is one like you described local(ish) to me. We’ve visited before and liked it very much, the only thing that puts me off - but I’m not sure why - is because I grew up in the area of the church and attended schools there I know absolutely tons of people there. For some reason it makes me feel a bit awkward but I’m not sure why, maybe because my childhood was unhappy. I really enjoyed the quiet early service there but it’s no good for the kids. Your previous post is also really helpful and I’m looking into Jean Paul De Caussade.

@rangerider thank you for the suggestion, I’m adding it to my list.

I'm RC and find everything demoralising at the moment especially politics etc. To quote Voltaire I 'Cultivate [my] own garden'. I try to move along taking what I can to spiritually nourish myself

Thank you everyone who has prayed, it has made a difference.

Thank you @speakout for your thoughts, I have to say having come on this thread and being able to be honest has already lifted some of that desperation I felt. There’s a verse in the bible about bringing things into the light to be dealt with instead of letting them grow in the darkness - not quite ‘a problem shared’ but the basis is bringing it into the open to deal with it. This was my first step on this thread and I already feel lighter for it. Because I firmly believe the answers do lie within the Christian faith for me and it has been such a huge part of my life, I’m not ready to look elsewhere, but thank you for the suggestion. When I was much younger I did explore other options but nothing has ever come close.

@bathsh3ba you may have a point ref demonic oppression, and I know it’s certainly real.

@bigfoot I had a sozo a couple of years ago and it was a really good experience. I travelled a fair way for it but it was worth it. Its been suggested I go back which I may do at some stage, it’s been quite a tough year!

Thank you all for your advice, comfort and prayers. You are a seriously super bunch of people.

Should also thank whoever suggested Christian radio - hadn’t even thought of that and it’s such a good suggestion! And thank you for the FB group idea - I’m not on Facebook but if I go back on I may take you up on that.

@MsForestier to be frank I’ve been like that a long time - I found the sermons overly long and generally overly simplistic when I was attending church so found myself listening to online preaches a lot for some proper ‘teaching’. I was listening to Bill Johnson a lot and Kris Vallotton - both got me through a crisis a few years ago when I stopped attending church for a couple of years altogether. They’re bethel preachers, and for some bethel is contentious, but I personally have found their teaching brilliant and have learned an awful lot.

Just a couple of thoughts.
I totally get what you mean about the perfect Christian bubble. I came to the faith as an adult and so many times I've been privy to conversations that made me want to scream- those poor struggling sinners are right here in this room!
Remember too that those annoying fakey churchians have their own struggles, they might not admit it but it's true.

It sounds like some prosperity gospel teaching has made it's way into your church's/friend's thinking which can be so poisonous. Yes, our God is a God of healing and miracles and prayer is powerful - in bringing us closer to God, He ain't our personal genie!

There are 2 sure fire things that help me when I feel spiritually dejected.

1. Reading the 'red lines' - Jesus' words (might not be red in your bible!) Fix our eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12.2) Remember who he really is, what he actually says.

1. Listen to some Keith Green (super retro Lol, but amazing.) Grace By Which I Stand is excellent - some lyrics:

^Lord, the feelings are not the same, I guess I'm older, I guess I've changed. And how I wish it had been explained, that as you're growing you must remember, That nothing lasts, except the grace of God, by which I stand, in Jesus. I know that I would surely fall away, except for grace, by which I'm saved.^

A lot of stuff useful here. Thanks OP and best wishes.

A little support from someone who can't seem to find God in traditional churches and hasn't for the last 45 years.

I have learnt deeply that God isn't religious, people are.

The Quaker beliefs are closest to what I've experienced as the God I know.

I have learnt that when you can't hear him or feel him you need to praise him. Worship him and go with your inner self reaching out in praise.

Wonderful things happen. You are accessing him on a completely different level with this simple act.

This isn't about how the Church perceives God or what the Church might advise. Its about your soul connecting with God.

It's very raw, it's you and God no one else interpreting or dictating how, where and why.

I do this regularly, but always when He is not in focus.

Thank you @cooking, that’s really helpful advice. It seems the Quaker’s are regularly mentioned on this thread and others so I really need to check them out, I admit I know practically nothing about them so it’s time to get educated!

Reframing is a very good word to use. The focus remains the same, but the stuff around it needs adjusting - all the assumptions and baggage you pick up over the years need to be looked at again and discarded if no longer appropriate.

It can be really scary to reassess, even within the faith framework you have, and you might feel a bit three steps forward, two steps back for a little while, but I'm of the opinion that God created life, and life means growth and change, and that's a good thing.

Precisely that @floral. I’m looking at it all and thinking I need to reassess carefully what I’ve been taught / what I’ve unconciously picked up. I went from a cult type fundamentalist environment with everything strictly set out and no room for free thinking to an evangelical setting that seemed very free but as time goes on I’ve seen it’s far less so than I thought and I question much of what they teach too. I suppose it’s about getting back to basics too...it feels like it’s all gone too far away from the basis of the Christian faith and the focus is very material. Buildings, money, worship bands, decent coffee, pulling people in etc. I can’t help but wonder what Jesus makes of it all sometimes.

It’s like I read on here somewhere that Jesus wasn’t a Christian. That actually hadn’t occurred to me!! We’ve made it into all it is, He didn’t. We really do overcomplicate things.

I’ve read up on Quakerism and can really see the appeal. It seems so much more original and basic.

This thread is doing me the world of good re-evaluating my beliefs!

I have a very similar journey map to you. I found the Quakers a little too loose for me - like going from a really tight fitting restrictive outfit to a big unsupportive tent dress - so I settled somewhere in the middle (well, Catholicism feels like the middle to me because there's structure, but it's a big enough place to explore and there's mysticism and so on, iyswim).

But be encouraged. Christians have following Jesus for two millennia, and we've always been a diverse bunch. One thing that helped me, having come out of something so hugely bible-centred, was to begin by exploring early church writings. I know that sounds a bit left fieldly academic, but it really brought home to me that the modern evangelical use of scripture is really alien to the place it had right at the outset.

The bible grew out of a very specific community, and they didn't all wander round with leather bound copies under their arms, quoting chapter and verse (I'm sure you know this, btw, not trying to be patronising). The Church was a religious community, worshipping together, growing together and battling to be true to their beliefs in a very hostile world. This is totally relatable, as my kids would say!

Keep seeking truth, keeping seeking God. He is not playing cosmic hide and seek, or trying to trick you. I shall keep praying for you. xx

Lovely post floral

I'm a fairly new Christian - but I just wanted to say that I'm praying for you- that you find peace and restoration of your faith xxxxxx

It’s so true what you say @floral, it was never what it is today and that’s encouraging to be honest because I’m no good at being like that! I want to explore its depths but not feel penned in whilst at the same time the structure is so reassuring.

@yellow I hope my post hasn’t put you off in any way, as you can see from this thread things don’t get easier once you become a Christian but there is a real peace which, since posting this thread, has started to return. I know ultimately I’m growing from this as opposed to dying of it!

I'm so glad you're finding these posts helpful, op. I just would like to echo what @floralbunting has said so beautifully - God is not hiding away, God is pursuing you fiercely and passionately, always longing for you. But for some reason we don't always sense that in our emotions, and sometimes we do. Praying for clarity of mind as you reevaluate stuff and think it all through. The Abbey sounds like it was a lovely place to be at peace a while

Keeping you in my prayers.

Thank you @madhair