no Christian doctrine teaches that non-believers are going to be 'having a conflab and a fair bit of joshing' with God.
No, that’s not true.
One fairly standard (to the point of being mainstream) interpretation of hell is that it is a) eternal separation from God, and b) chosen by those who wish eternal separation from God. Jesus has already saved everyone; to not be in heaven, you have to actively reject that as an act of free will, which requires you to be fully informed of what you’re rejecting. So on that understanding, atheists wouldn’t be destined to eternal torment any more than polytheists from a tiny mountain tribe in South America 10,000 years ago would be.
I’d add that while you conceive of eternal separation from God as just some wishy-washy ‘not very nice’ thing, it’s obviously a fairly big deal to Christians, and the kind of thing that would be metaphorically described as eternal torment.
Another view is that heaven and hell are the same thing - the eternal presence of God is experienced as torment by those who don’t want it and bliss by those who do.
I wonder if we did a survey of Christians around the world, which view of the nature of Hell would be in the majority, yours or the 'fundamentalists'?
“The fundamentalists” aren’t “the people who disagree with me” - it’s a theological position I’m describing.
As for what Christians believe - well, half of the world’s Christians are Catholic, and the Catholic Church does not teach that all unbelievers automatically go to hell - it’s a part of Catholic doctrine that whatever you believe about Hell, you still can’t say who’s going to Hell or not, because that would be assuming God’s power of salvation can be constrained by mortal knowledge and understanding.
Another large portion are Orthodox, who generally teach the “same thing, different experiences of that thing” view of the afterlife I mentioned above. Then there’s the churches in communion with the Anglican Church, which - see above what a CofE Christian already told you. Mainstream Protestant teachers and beliefs vary (obviously), but there are definitely a large number (including probably the best modern Protestant theologian, Karl Barth) who took a view that universal salvation was possible and should be hoped for, the “Jesus already saved everybody” approach.
Now. I appreciate this all sounds like so much woolly meaningless theology blather to you, which is fine. I’m not trying to convince you of any position regarding afterlives. But if you want to argue about what Christians believe, you do need to grapple with the reality of what Christians actually believe.
You realise they would see your position as just as 'wrong' as you see mine?
NO WAY, fundamentalists think I’m wrong? Well blow me over with a feather!